Primaries - Wonkette

pyrrhic victories

Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). More »

9:26 AM on Mon May 12 2008
By saraksmith
3,163 views, 86 comments

Latest by BrandonMills: @mcgeorge: You're utterly mistaken. I've lived in WV for 25+ years. It's bigotry, pure and simple. They'll make up excuses for it, but the truth of the matter is they are indeed racist beyond belief. Sure, there are enlightened exceptions more »

indian giver

Famous 1972 Democrat Loser George McGovern Throws Hillary Under The Bus

Tragic liberal presidential candidate George McGovern lost horribly to Richard Nixon in 1972 and then became an Elder Statesman and endorsed Hillary Clinton like all the other Elder Statesmen in 2007. But now it is 2008, so it is time for Hillary to go under the bus along with Tom Eagleton. George McGovern officially hearts Barack Obama, the McGovern of the 21st Century! More »

1:04 PM on Wed May 7 2008
By saraksmith
2,057 views, 61 comments

Latest by CthuNHu: A 49-state loser throws the quondam inevitable nominee under the bus. Next, an unattractive overweight miniskirted woman sitting alone at a bar will tell Bill that she really just wanted some alone time right now, thanks. The arc of history is long, more »

liveblogging

Liveblogging The Still No Word On Indiana Night Of Torture!

Indiana is too close to call, and will be too close to call forever, so hoist another drink and let's figure out what Hillary Clinton will talk about in her loser/possible winner speech, whenever she gets around to giving it. More »

9:54 PM on Tue May 6 2008
By saraksmith
7,387 views, 367 comments

liveblogging

LIVEBLOGGING The Indiana Indecision

Here is your Relief Editor, clocking in one million hours after the polls have closed, and all we know is that Barack Obama won North Carolina and Indiana is filthy with Hoosiers. That pretty much brings us up to speed, right? Let's LIVEBLOG the speech Barack Obama is about to give, explaining why he does not have "a tone of condensation" (that is what Tom Brokaw called it) when he talks to the Little People. More »

9:04 PM on Tue May 6 2008
By saraksmith
4,972 views, 211 comments

indiana breakfast time

Barack Obama Ate Eggs This Morning, In Indiana!

No more Hamas waffles for this guy, apparently. Shortly after this unflattering picture was taken, Obama killed the photographer with a left-handed Mauser 66 and continued talking with some nice union representatives about how much money they could get for his abandoned plate of eggs on eBay. [AP/FOX]

12:52 PM on Mon May 5 2008
By saraksmith
1,588 views, 30 comments

wilting support

Cruel Bill Clinton Mocks Fainting Ladies, Old People, Others

Bill Clinton laughed and laughed at people who fainted during one of his interminable speeches in the fetid North Carolinian heat, and this is yet another reason he should not be elected president again. [AP]

12:08 PM on Mon May 5 2008
By saraksmith
1,513 views, 18 comments

bizarro election

Gritty Hillary Will Conquer Laws Of Math!

Even though she cannot win the Democratic presidential nomination by any definable numerical metric such as the popular vote, number of pledged delegates, states won, or amount of money raised, Hillary Clinton will prevail over Elitist Maths and Barack Obama. This is because every time she loses, she wins by saying that losers have to "fight on." And every time she wins, she also wins. So she will lose all the way to the Presidency, unless she wins all the way to the Presidency, and either way it doesn't matter because Big Oil will be paying our gasoline taxes and Rocky Balboa will be the Secretary of the Second Amendment. [New Yorker]

10:51 AM on Mon May 5 2008
By saraksmith
1,516 views, 50 comments

Latest by JimWho: What is all this about voting and delegates? I thought that the last candidate not to make a mistake before the convention was chosen as the nominee. more »

sisters in democratic politics

Chelsea Clinton Nuns It Up

While her mother was off getting ignored by Republicans, Chelsea Clinton took a few days in sunny Puerto Rico to address a group of nuns. Her father Bill stayed on the plane, saying, "Poke me when we get to Vegas." [AP story and photo]

9:30 AM on Wed Apr 30 2008
By saraksmith
1,143 views, 50 comments

crystal balls

Indiana Primary Will Be A Nail-Biter

If Hillary Clinton loses the North Carolina primary by less than 15 points, it's basically a win. And if she wins Indiana by a single pledged delegate, that is also a win. Both of these predictions may soon come true! According to new projections by Congressional Quarterly, Clinton will win Indiana in a squeaker — getting 24 district-level delegates to Obama's 23 — even if she really wins it by up to 6% of the popular vote. Or something. Math is hard! More »

12:12 PM on Tue Apr 29 2008
By saraksmith
1,947 views, 34 comments

Latest by RebelliousRhino: @CakeHate: Oh course, how stupid of me, now that I hear you explain it it's so obvious. more »

annals of cartography

Hillary's Magical Maps!

Top Clinton advisor Harold Ickes arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday armed with magical maps showing how his candidate would win the nomination if Democrats were Republicans, Florida and Michigan's excluded votes were included, and black caucus-goers were cast into the sea. These maps created a spacious gulag in the Middle West for educated voters under 40, and demonstrated how Barack Obama could never win tough Republican strongholds like California and New York. More »

11:12 AM on Thu Apr 24 2008
By saraksmith
3,995 views, 65 comments

Latest by Zirconia: It is with hesitation I share this vision. It has great power; once seen, one cannot unsee. Stranger, you have been warned: Hillary looses the election, but refuses to acknowledge it. She turns up for the inauguration, stands more »

he cheats with his abbreviated sleep schedule

Barack Obama Is Tired (Or Stoned!)

Because the camera is racist, it loves our slender and dignified Senator from Illinois — so it's a rare treat to find a photo of him looking a little rough around the edges, like an Ordinary American. Here's Barack Obama coming off the third shift at the lace mill in Scranton, where he shared a bong with Hillary Clinton's grandfather. [AP Photo]

8:55 AM on Thu Apr 24 2008
By saraksmith
2,363 views, 30 comments

demographics are destiny

Oldsters Key To Clinton's Pennsylvania Victory

This morning, millions of sad, youthful Obama voters are waking up and wondering what the hell happened in Pennsylvania. Here's the scoop, little ones: Pennsylvania's elderly are so old that they make John McCain look young, and they're so numerous that you'd think they were still capable of reproduction. In fact, the only state with more elderly residents is Florida, and at least those old people moved there. They want to be in Florida. Meanwhile, old people in Pennsylvania resemble the humble sea cucumber: sessile, rooted, a prisoner of the very earth that nourishes them. Naturally, these people vote for Hillary Clinton. More »

9:17 AM on Wed Apr 23 2008
By saraksmith
2,655 views, 62 comments

Latest by WASP: @shortsshortsshorts: I second that motion! more »

nosplice:7

Liveblogging The Cable News Blathering About The Pennsylvania Primary

Well friends this is what it comes down to: Begala and Bennett and some other people jabbering about Momentum and numbers vs. narrative. How long before Donna Brazile storms off the set in disgust along with all the other former Clinton staffers? Join us in this long night of misery. More »

8:25 PM on Tue Apr 22 2008
By saraksmith
2,435 views, 48 comments

gambling types

Who Will Win Pennsylvania? Join The Unofficial Wonkette Betting Pool!

All right jokers who like to bet on things! Tell us in the comments who will win, and by how many points, and if you are correct we will uh give you something! We will write a post, all about you, and it will feature a photograph of Hillary giving "the shocker." Writey writey! Submit your PROGNOSTICATIONS before 9pm Eastern (because it will take them at least an hour after the polls close to count this garbage) and you too can be famous on the Wonkette, maybe.

7:47 PM on Tue Apr 22 2008
By saraksmith
981 views, 82 comments

Latest by illnoise: Looks like Laura wins. I was *so* close. Maybe once the official figures come in it'll be closer to 9. Woo! she won by *ten,* stand back, the tide is turning, now if she just wins by 36% (!) in all more »

funny pictures

Dancing Clintards Swaddled In Bags

The New York Senator's campaign is running so low on funds that her supporters are wearing hats made out of trash bags, with only their whistles to protect them from the harsh harsh Pennsylvania cold. [AP Photo]

10:09 AM on Tue Apr 22 2008
By saraksmith
915 views, 41 comments

polling statistics

The Pennsylvania Surge Is Working!

Hold on to your panties, Obamatards: since Wednesday night's debate, Barack Obama has lost a point and Hillary Clinton has gained two in the prestigious Zogby Poll. The final nail in the coffin comes from Zogby's own John Zogby: "No ground really gained or lost by either candidate after Wednesday's debate." DOOM DOOM DOOM. [Newsmax/Real Clear Politics]

11:50 AM on Fri Apr 18 2008
By saraksmith
1,029 views, 20 comments

Latest by High_Heels_Kill: Is Zogby smokin? There's a little hallugenic with that happy mushroom flare going on with his predictions!!! Perhaps Zogby's bitter? more »

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Hillary and Her Old Ladies

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