primaries
Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing [...]
Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which [...]
Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as [...]
Mitt Romney, most undeserving and unexcited winner of the Florida primary since at least 2004, was utterly bored out of his skull during his victory speech in Florida Tuesday, though he at least kept up the practice of being EVIL, my friend, and took the Evil Show to a post-results chat with CNN’s Soledad O’Brien. [...]
President “The President” “Born in the U.S.A.” “Here to Stay” Obama is required to appear at an administrative court hearing in Atlanta on Thursday over the matter of the location of his birth and whether it disqualifies him from the prize he won in 2008. Orly Taitz, Esquireordinaire is of course thrilled, being the chief [...]
Mitt Crazy Eyes/9000/My Twinn Doll Romney has been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary, seizing 37.3 percent of the vote, according to AP, with 43 percent of precincts reporting as of the time that this post was delivered to the Internet. Ron Paul is second with 23.4 percent, and Jon Huntsman scurried up [...]
Republican fringe-moderate candidate Jon Huntsman sent out an e-mail to supporters the other day announcing that he would match any donations received until midnight on January 4, that being the first day of the rest our lives following tonight’s roll in the Iowa hay. While perfectly legal — there’s no limit to the amount of [...]
If New Hampshire moves, that could force Iowa — which has similar rules about putting some distance before another state’s voting — into January. That would break a gentleman’s agreement between the two parties to try to keep the official start of the 2012 voting in February, where it was for decades — before that, [...]
Um, what happened last night? It is almost impossible to know for sure, but here is what we think we know: Delaware jerk-off Christine O’Donnell defeated Rep. Mike Castle, racist Buffalo wing(nut) Carl Paladino won the Republican gubernatorial primary in New York, and Vincent Gray beat Adrian Fenty in the DC mayoral primary (“nobody” should [...]
Oh, God, can you even believe that more primaries are happening? When will America’s suffering end? Today’s victims are in Washington state and Wyoming. Washington has a savage, out-of-control “jungle primary” that will almost certainly result incumbent Democratic Senator Patty Murray facing off against Republican Dino Rossi, who lost the last two gubernatorial races. In [...]
Were you aware that Rep. Michele Bachmann won her little primary in Minnesota last night? In celebration, she has made one of her many vlogs for the Wonkette, which she believes is a LiveJournal written by Michelle Malkin. In it, she describes the secret to her continual electoral success. Enjoy her special form of genius-osity!
Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races! At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen [...]
Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her [...]
There are important elections. And then there are MICHELE BACHMANN elections. Tonight we journey to Minnesota, Connecticut, Colorado, and Georgia: “Gee, I cut onto a mooing nostril accordance” is your prescient anagram of these states. What does it mean? We will soon find out. Polls have just closed in Connecticut, an hour after Georgia. Minnesota [...]
