Tag Archives: primaries

  Primarily Boring

Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!

The nominee and his nipples
The last primaries of 2014 took place last night, and there’s a fun upset-not-upset in the mix! Up in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (God Save It! © Charles P. Pierce), lantern-jawed newcomer Seth Moulton became the first Democrat in 22 years to unseat a sitting congressman in a primary, beating scandal-plagued John Tierney by eight whole points. Get us up to speed here, Boston Globe, because not all of us are hardy lobstermen living on Boston’s North Shore. Read more on Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!…
  second amendment remedies

Rand Paul Will Be President Of All Americans Who Want To Carry Guns In Post Offices

We did not listen to Rand Paul’s Rand Paul Party Response to the State of the Union last night, so we are not sure if he talked up his latest, boldest legislative proposal to liberate Americans from a very specific kind of tyranny: the kind where you aren’t allowed to bring your gun into the post office. On Wednesday, January 29, Senator Rand Paul will offer an amendment, in committee, to the Postal Reform Act (S. 1486). The amendment will allow you to drive into a post office parking lot with your gun, and will allow you to carry it into the post office, to the extent state law would allow you to carry that firearm in any other venue. This is a story that would not look out of place on theonion.com, but it is really happening, in America, in 2014, and it is because of two things: One, despite all caterwauling to the contrary, America remains a very wealthy country; and two, the primary system we use to select major party nominees is a joke, and the punchline is Rand Paul. Read more on Rand Paul Will Be President Of All Americans Who Want To Carry Guns In Post Offices…
  losers

A Look Back At The Long Political Career of Ben Quayle

Dan Quayle’s weird kid, Congressman Ben, has had a long, fruitful tour through the halls of American power. He made his name writing pornography about all the bitchez he slammed in Scottsdale, for a blog. He made a comical ad where he called Barack Obama the worst president in history. He made more dumb creepy ads. He won his 2010 congressional race thanks to the big bucks he pulled in from daddy’s friends, like George H.W. Bush. Then he went party swimming in the Sea of Galilee, to procure water for his daughter’s baptism. And last night he lost his congressional primary, ha ha ha. He’s done. Boo! Read more on A Look Back At The Long Political Career of Ben Quayle…
  american pastimes

Hoosiers To Beat Up Old Man

After 36 years in the Senate, Indiana’s Dick Lugar will likely see his political career end tonight for the simple reason that he’s talked to President Obama in good faith a couple of times over the past several years. That’s really it! Bob Bennett’s primary loss in 2010 was pretty bad, too, but at least they could point to the fact that he co-authored a health care bill with an individual mandate. (As have most Republicans at some point, so nevermind.) Dick Lugar, though? Here’s a plain conservative white-haired feller who’s put in several decades getting Indianans whatever they want — and, since Republicans will probably win the Senate, is now in line to get them infinitely more with his seniority — but, regrettably, hasn’t punched enough Mexicans in the face over the last six years or called Obama a Farty Hitler yet. Oh, and he has a house in Washington, where he works! Destroy him! Read more on Hoosiers To Beat Up Old Man…
  quitters

Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor

Newt, Newt, our hero Newt, what are you talking about? Weren’t we supposed to ride this train all the way to Tampa and fuck shit up at the convention? Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight. Weak, Newt. The Newt of ’78-’94 wouldn’t have caved like this. That Newt would’ve castrated Mitt Romney with a T-Rex skull, on pay-per-view. And then he would’ve gotten thrown out of the speakership, but still… would’ve been awesome. Read more on Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor…
  who what where why argh

Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties

Hi. Tonight we are reminded that this country has 50 states and even some territories, and each must have her chance to say, “Ahem” regarding positions of power. It’s time for us to tune in to Mississippi and Alabama (and later, after this Wonkette has gone to bed at 8PM PST or so, Hawaii) and see to what degree its people enjoy the last four lemon and orange Starbursts left in the package, as it were. Already John King is pressing rounded red squares, which means “N/A” in terms of actual information. So far we know that Romney is leading is Miss. and Santorum is leading in Ala. But do stick around, stay awhile! Look at the percent signs on your screen so long that they start to look very strange! Read more on Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties…
  rino mcliberal

Jeb Bush Is So Terrified Of Republicans

What’s Jeb Bush, OLLLLL’ JEBBIE, up to these days besides being rich and Mexican? He’s not running for president, despite many urgings, because “his last name disqualifies him.” He hasn’t endorsed any candidate, most likely — though we haven’t verified this scientifically — because they’re all losers. (Just kidding, we have verified this scientifically.) Not just losers, but scary losers. The Republican party candidates are too busy appealing to people’s “fears and emotion,” Bush says, to win a general election. Why can’t these folks run positive, inclusive campaigns like the one that carried brother George W. Bush to reelection in 2004 over the gay French windsurfing Masshole fucko terrorist and bad soldier John Kerry? Read more on Jeb Bush Is So Terrified Of Republicans…
  suck it fred thompson

Mitt Romney Plans To Win Michigan By Driving A Car

Ahhh, so THIS is Mittens’ plan to win the state he very much needs to win, Michigan: Driving around in a motorcar, through the “real streets” where he proudly lived before decamping to the mansions of Belmont, Massachusetts. “This is personal,” he says about winning Michigan. And did you know that Detroit was in great shape before the Obama administration came to power? You learn a lot from serial liars. Read more on Mitt Romney Plans To Win Michigan By Driving A Car…
  is ron paul president yet?

Let’s Point And Laugh At Mitt Romney’s Horrible Failure

Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing the nomination to crabby old rust tit Juan McCain. He performed infinitely worse last night in his hilarious losses in all three states to Rick Santorum, a whiny George W. Bush conservative who has been dead for five years. Read more on Let’s Point And Laugh At Mitt Romney’s Horrible Failure…
  america heads to the poles

Rick Santorum To Ruin Everyone’s Fun In Tonight’s Elections

Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on. This is the long-awaited End of Fun. Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight? Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway? Read more on Rick Santorum To Ruin Everyone’s Fun In Tonight’s Elections…
  the 90s

Gingrich Wants Florida Primary Rules Changed, Now That He Lost

Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as Mitt Romney being liked by even so much as one person in this world, let alone a couple million. So, following a Hispanic roundtable in Las Vegas on Thursday, Gingrich spokesperson R.C. Hammond told a group of reporters that the Gingrich campaign will be petitioning the Republican Party of Florida to try to get the state’s 50 delegates awarded proportionally. Responded the state’s Republican Party chairman, Lenny Curry, “It is a shame when the loser of a contest agrees to the rules before, then cries foul after losing.” ISN’T IT THOUGH? Read more on Gingrich Wants Florida Primary Rules Changed, Now That He Lost…
  occupy asshats

Romney Says He’s ‘Not Concerned About the Very Poor,’ Stuns No One

Mitt Romney, most undeserving and unexcited winner of the Florida primary since at least 2004, was utterly bored out of his skull during his victory speech in Florida Tuesday, though he at least kept up the practice of being EVIL, my friend, and took the Evil Show to a post-results chat with CNN’s Soledad O’Brien. There, he proceeded to terrify Soledad and the four other people watching CNN by saying how he really feels: “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” This is the real, true, unabashed, unequivocal, undeniable “I like being able to fire people” moment we have all been waiting for (yet have also gotten several other times!!!!) After making it difficult for Soledad O’Brien to know what to say/not kill herself, Romney tried to soften the blow with more terrible rich-man mumbo jumbo, and had some bossy, condescending words for Soledad, too, because she is a woman liberal woman liberal. Read more on Romney Says He’s ‘Not Concerned About the Very Poor,’ Stuns No One…
  save the date!

Obama Being Forced to Show Up to Lame Birther Court Hearing in Georgia

President “The President” “Born in the U.S.A.” “Here to Stay” Obama is required to appear at an administrative court hearing in Atlanta on Thursday over the matter of the location of his birth and whether it disqualifies him from the prize he won in 2008. Orly Taitz, Esquireordinaire is of course thrilled, being the chief instigator of this particular type of time-wasting, though she’s not the lawyer in this particular suit, which was filed by a Georgia resident and is intended to keep Obama’s name off Georgia’s primary ballot. Taitz doesn’t care if Obama tries to skip the hearing because, as It told the Miami Herald, “then he looks guilty. The whole nation understands this man is a fraud.” Read more on Obama Being Forced to Show Up to Lame Birther Court Hearing in Georgia…
  quick and dirty

So Mitt Romney Won New Hampshire, Let’s Hang Out

Mitt Crazy Eyes/9000/My Twinn Doll Romney has been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary, seizing 37.3 percent of the vote, according to AP, with 43 percent of precincts reporting as of the time that this post was delivered to the Internet. Ron Paul is second with 23.4 percent, and Jon Huntsman scurried up to third place with 17.4 percent. Read more on So Mitt Romney Won New Hampshire, Let’s Hang Out…
  endangered species

Jon Huntsman Donating To Himself For a Few Days

Republican fringe-moderate candidate Jon Huntsman sent out an e-mail to supporters the other day announcing that he would match any donations received until midnight on January 4, that being the first day of the rest our lives following tonight’s roll in the Iowa hay. While perfectly legal — there’s no limit to the amount of capital gains a bajillionaire can sink into his or her (her!!) political campaign — it doesn’t feel or sound or smell legal. “I am adding a wrinkle,” Huntsman wrote. A wrinkle? Read more on Jon Huntsman Donating To Himself For a Few Days…
  and let's vote for 2016 while we're at it

States All Looking To Have First Primaries of 2012 Election, Probably Next Week

If New Hampshire moves, that could force Iowa — which has similar rules about putting some distance before another state’s voting — into January. That would break a gentleman’s agreement between the two parties to try to keep the official start of the 2012 voting in February, where it was for decades — before that, voting didn’t begin in Iowa and New Hampshire until March. Read more on States All Looking To Have First Primaries of 2012 Election, Probably Next Week…