Tag Archives: press releases

  vote knope

Indiana Governor To Start Very Own Pravda, Hooray!

All the cool kids in Muncie wear these
We will comment on this further as soon as we manage to pick our jaws up off the floor: Gov. Mike Pence is starting a state-run taxpayer-funded news outlet that will make pre-written news stories available to Indiana media, as well as sometimes break news about his administration, according to documents obtained by The Indianapolis Star. Pence is planning in late February to launch “Just IN,” a website and news outlet that will feature stories and news releases written by state press secretaries and is being overseen by a former Indianapolis Star reporter, Bill McCleery. And don’t you worry, citizens. It’s NBD, honest. The Pence administration is describing it as “similar to the state’s current online calendar of news releases, but with a new design,” which doesn’t sound so terrible … until you read the state’s own description of this thing: Read more on Indiana Governor To Start Very Own Pravda, Hooray!…
  conspiracies

Wingnuts May Not Believe in Climate Change, But Insurance Companies Sure Do

Ugh, unwashed godless free market-hating ecoterrorist hippie cabal “the insurance industry” is whining about global warming, according to this press release just in from Bernie Sanders’ office. Oh just go make out with a bunch of dolphins, brainwashed hippies: Read more on Wingnuts May Not Believe in Climate Change, But Insurance Companies Sure Do…
  press releases without comment

Michele Bachmann Apparently First Republican To Hate Mexicans

We get so many ridiculous press releases every day, we’re going to start featuring them in this new unintentional comedy section, “Press Releases Without Comment.” TO: tips@wonkette.com DATE: Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 5:15 AM Press Release: Michele Bachmann First To Make Illegal Immigration Top Issue for 2012 Read more on Michele Bachmann Apparently First Republican To Hate Mexicans…
  winning the future

GOP Debate Winner Barack Obama Says No More Press Releases

If you watched last night’s horror movie about what will happen when the world explodes in 2012, then maybe you are thinking to yourself, “That Barack Obama, he may be a secret Muslin terrorizing the economy, but maybe he is also all right.” And that is because the Ultimate Secret to winning a GOP debate is a) not being a Republican, and/or b) not showing up at all! So it is actually a tie between Barack Obama and Rick Perry. Despite President Obama’s debate victory, he is still rather ticked off about everyone hating him and blaming him for everything. He says the problem is not America, because America is perfect, of course! He says the problem is that Congress keeps sending out press releases instead of getting actual work done, a complaint with which John Boehner disagreed, in a press release. Read more on GOP Debate Winner Barack Obama Says No More Press Releases…
  making peter jennings proud

Breathless ABC News Press Release: Our Cameras Caught Gabby Giffords!

Here’s a disgusting little “BREAKING” press release we just got: “Hey guys – Wanted to make sure you saw these first pictures of Gabrielle Giffords since the tragic shooting. Please link back to story and video below if you use.” We sure will, ABC News! Wow, you really tricked that congresswoman who got shot through the head, huh? Bet she wasn’t expecting your paparazzi around that corner sticking a camera in her wounds! You should be very proud of this accomplishment! Read more on Breathless ABC News Press Release: Our Cameras Caught Gabby Giffords!…
  egypt has jumped

The Global Conspiracy Is Complete: Glenn Beck Leaving Fox News Show

According to a press release, Glenn Beck is officially going to “transition off” his show later this year and will no longer be seen by the few remaining holdouts holed up in official Glenn Beck-brand bomb shelters across the nation. Fox and Beck’s production company, Mercury Radio Arts (which is, yes, probably so named just to annoy the ghost of Orson Welles) simultaneously announced they were partnering to work on a few specials for the channel, but let’s be honest, that’s just to distract us — this means Glenn is probably dead. True patriots knew he would one day give his life for speaking the truth, and it appears the Stalin clone army made by illegal immigrant geneticists working for The Muslims finally came to murder Glenn at his Alamo. Read more on The Global Conspiracy Is Complete: Glenn Beck Leaving Fox News Show…
  on twitter

Science, Technology Combine To Produce Imporant Political Breakthrough

Today in the “comical e-mail press releases that make for easy posts” file we have this, the latest terrible Twitter thing about nothing. Apparently Bob McDonnell is an asexual robot while Creigh Deeds is a suicidal pederast, on Twitter: “Front-runner McDonnell is much more ‘plugged in’ and less ‘depressed’ than Deeds; but Deeds is noticeably more touchy-feely (45% sensory category) in his Tweets than McDonnell (33%).” This explains everything about politics. Thank you, Science! Read more on Science, Technology Combine To Produce Imporant Political Breakthrough…
  all cable television is poison

Keith Olbermann To Yell Without Interruption For Full Hour Tomorrow

For those of you who like terrible Keith Olbermann, because he was the “only television host to make you happy during the Bush Administration,” tomorrow’s your lucky night, according to this frightening press release: “NEW YORK – Oct. 6, 2009 – Tomorrow night on MSNBC’s ‘Countdown,’ Keith Olbermann will present a Special Comment for the full hour on the need for and meaning of health care reform in the United States. ‘Health Care Reform: The Fight Against Death’ will be a program-length Special Comment by Olbermann, in which he’ll propose group action by patients, and how patients can reclaim the debate over health care reform.” The patients’ group action will be to meet at someone’s house every night to watch Keith Olbermann. THE OUTRAGE! Read more on Keith Olbermann To Yell Without Interruption For Full Hour Tomorrow…
  let butts be butts!

Does Butts Embarrass Barack Obama?

Now here’s a wacky thing! The Transition team issued a release today announcing a bunch of new mid-level White House staffers (Deputy assistant director of truck nutz, etc.), and there’s a strange inconsistency with the style of the staffer bios. Each is referred to by his or her first and last names upon first mention and then last name only for every additional mention. Yet for some reason, the new deputy legal counsel, Cassandra Butts, is referred to as “Cassandra” in the additional mentions. Sexism much? “Butts” is a perfectly good Christian name! We like Butts. Buttsy! Ah ha ha, we used to have a dandy of a time back in the day, we did alright, with good ol’ Butts. So why does the Obama transition team censor her last name? Did they find some arcane, incredibly childish problem with “Butts” that bloggers would use for cheap laffs? Did they not realize that censoring “Butts” would, in fact, call more attention to their comical paranoia? There is no need to cover-up Butts. [The Page] Read more on Does Butts Embarrass Barack Obama?…
  from the inbox

Screw Gold Or T-Notes, PUT YOUR MONEY IN PORNO

“With a large mainstream budget and dazzling special effects, ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is both an epic blockbuster for the ages, and a sexy, erotic adult film that consumers and distributors are fervent to get a hold of. ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is the most pre-ordered film in adult history and Digital Playground is easily maneuvering through the recession unscathed.” DIVERSIFY DIVERSIFY!! Here’s your vaguely-NSFW link. It looks so-so! [Pirate Porno Economy-Saver Movie] Read more on Screw Gold Or T-Notes, PUT YOUR MONEY IN PORNO…
  psycho

John Kerry Plans Genocide?

Oh look, it’s past one o’clock on any day, which means John Kerry has just e-mailed all of Washington his 64th press release of the early afternoon. And what is it about? Murder. MURRRRRDER. Read more on John Kerry Plans Genocide?…
 

Huckabee Minuteman Pedophilia Embezzlement Thievery Revealed

It sounds so good until you read the actual press release: The Huckabee campaign faces national scandal today, as recent e-mails sent by Minuteman Co-Founder and Huckabee campaign member Jim Gilchrist are released that threaten to malign another leader with false accusations of child molestation, pedophilia, embezzlement, and thievery! And thievery, too! Huckabee Campaigner and Minuteman threatening e-mail Scandal [Some press release] Read more on Huckabee Minuteman Pedophilia Embezzlement Thievery Revealed…
 

All-Business Thompson Team Calls Huckabee ‘Court Jester’

Fred Thompson is still randomly trying to win Iowa, and these days that calls for a Mike Huckabee attack (Huckafuck?) Today, Dipshit McGoo’s Iowa team sent out a press release criticizing Huckabee’s weakness on Thompson’s strongest suit: the ability to take things seriously. Read more on All-Business Thompson Team Calls Huckabee ‘Court Jester’…
 

Barack Obama’s Technology Plan: Sleeper Hit of 2007

Silly Andrew Sullivan didn’t mention shit about Barack “The Face” Obama’s technosavvy “innovation” plan in his stupid Atlantic article, and could The Face be upset? He probably doesn’t care either, but still, his campaign sent out an e-mail furiously titled “EXPERTS PRAISE BARACK OBAMA’S TECHNOLOGY AND INNOVATION AGENDA” to show us just how cool he is with the technology hepcats. Read more on Barack Obama’s Technology Plan: Sleeper Hit of 2007…
 

Eerie Simulacrum of Tragic American Hero Flying Delta Shuttle Today

This is just creepy and wrong and weird — we got a press release earlier this morning advising us that “PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ARRIVES IN WASHINGTON D.C.” today. It’s from Madame Tussauds, whose Chinatown by-way-of-Coney Island (but somehow… not awesome?) wax museum is opening soon. And yes, Abe’s hideous life mask attached to a 7 ft tall mannequin is on the Delta Shuttle to National right now. He gets in at 11:45. They bought him a ticket and they’re posing him on the goddamn seat. Maybe they can bring JFK’s doppelganger in on the Acela. The quiet car, natch. Press release, after the jump! Still time to make it to the National to see the whole gross spectacle, guys! Read more on Eerie Simulacrum of Tragic American Hero Flying Delta Shuttle Today…