Science, Technology Combine To Produce Imporant Political Breakthrough
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
Today in the “comical e-mail press releases that make for easy posts” file we have this, the latest terrible Twitter thing about nothing. Apparently Bob McDonnell is an asexual robot while Creigh Deeds is a suicidal pederast, on Twitter: “Front-runner McDonnell is much more ‘plugged in’ and less ‘depressed’ than Deeds; but Deeds is noticeably more touchy-feely (45% sensory category) in his Tweets than McDonnell (33%).” This explains everything about politics. Thank you, Science!
For those of you who like terrible Keith Olbermann, because he was the “only television host to make you happy during the Bush Administration,” tomorrow’s your lucky night, according to this frightening press release: “NEW YORK – Oct. 6, 2009 – Tomorrow night on MSNBC’s ‘Countdown,’ Keith Olbermann will present a Special Comment for the full hour on the need for and meaning of health care reform in the United States. ‘Health Care Reform: The Fight Against Death’ will be a program-length Special Comment by Olbermann, in which he’ll propose group action by patients, and how patients can reclaim the debate over health care reform.” The patients’ group action will be to meet at someone’s house every night to watch Keith Olbermann. THE OUTRAGE!
Now here’s a wacky thing! The Transition team issued a release today announcing a bunch of new mid-level White House staffers (Deputy assistant director of truck nutz, etc.), and there’s a strange inconsistency with the style of the staffer bios. Each is referred to by his or her first and last names upon first mention and then last name only for every additional mention. Yet for some reason, the new deputy legal counsel, Cassandra Butts, is referred to as “Cassandra” in the additional mentions. Sexism much? “Butts” is a perfectly good Christian name! We like Butts. Buttsy! Ah ha ha, we used to have a dandy of a time back in the day, we did alright, with good ol’ Butts. So why does the Obama transition team censor her last name? Did they find some arcane, incredibly childish problem with “Butts” that bloggers would use for cheap laffs? Did they not realize that censoring “Butts” would, in fact, call more attention to their comical paranoia? There is no need to cover-up Butts. [
Few e-mails — especially press releases! — have ever been so deserving of a Gmail Star. Oh, GAHH, this was for “Immediate Release” and we’re 11 hours late! Sorry! Onward. 
“With a large mainstream budget and dazzling special effects, ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is both an epic blockbuster for the ages, and a sexy, erotic adult film that consumers and distributors are fervent to get a hold of. ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is the most pre-ordered film in adult history and Digital Playground is easily maneuvering through the recession unscathed.” DIVERSIFY DIVERSIFY!! Here’s your vaguely-NSFW link. It looks so-so! [
Oh look, it’s past one o’clock on any day, which means John Kerry has just e-mailed all of Washington his 64th press release of the early afternoon. And what is it about? Murder. MURRRRRDER.
It sounds so good until you read the actual press release:
Fred Thompson is still randomly trying to win Iowa, and these days that calls for a Mike Huckabee attack (Huckafuck?) Today, Dipshit McGoo’s Iowa team sent out a press release criticizing Huckabee’s weakness on Thompson’s strongest suit: the ability to take things seriously. 
Silly Andrew Sullivan didn’t mention shit about Barack “The Face” Obama’s technosavvy “innovation” plan in his stupid Atlantic 
This is just creepy and wrong and weird — we got a press release earlier this morning advising us that “PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ARRIVES IN WASHINGTON D.C.” today. It’s from Madame Tussauds, whose Chinatown by-way-of-Coney Island (but somehow… not awesome?) wax museum is opening soon. And yes, Abe’s hideous life mask attached to a 7 ft tall mannequin is on the Delta Shuttle to National right now. He gets in at 11:45. They bought him a ticket and they’re posing him on the goddamn seat. Maybe they can bring JFK’s doppelganger in on the Acela. The quiet car, natch. Press release, after the jump! Still time to make it to the National to see the whole gross spectacle, guys!