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Posts Tagged ‘press releases’

ON TWITTER

Science, Technology Combine To Produce Imporant Political Breakthrough

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Today in the “comical e-mail press releases that make for easy posts” file we have this, the latest terrible Twitter thing about nothing. Apparently Bob McDonnell is an asexual robot while Creigh Deeds is a suicidal pederast, on Twitter: “Front-runner McDonnell is much more ‘plugged in’ and less ‘depressed’ than Deeds; but Deeds is noticeably more touchy-feely (45% sensory category) in his Tweets than McDonnell (33%).” This explains everything about politics. Thank you, Science!


ALL CABLE TELEVISION IS POISON

Keith Olbermann To Yell Without Interruption For Full Hour Tomorrow

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

For those of you who like terrible Keith Olbermann, because he was the “only television host to make you happy during the Bush Administration,” tomorrow’s your lucky night, according to this frightening press release: “NEW YORK – Oct. 6, 2009 – Tomorrow night on MSNBC’s ‘Countdown,’ Keith Olbermann will present a Special Comment for the full hour on the need for and meaning of health care reform in the United States. ‘Health Care Reform: The Fight Against Death’ will be a program-length Special Comment by Olbermann, in which he’ll propose group action by patients, and how patients can reclaim the debate over health care reform.” The patients’ group action will be to meet at someone’s house every night to watch Keith Olbermann. THE OUTRAGE!


LET BUTTS BE BUTTS!

Does Butts Embarrass Barack Obama?

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

Butts at workNow here’s a wacky thing! The Transition team issued a release today announcing a bunch of new mid-level White House staffers (Deputy assistant director of truck nutz, etc.), and there’s a strange inconsistency with the style of the staffer bios. Each is referred to by his or her first and last names upon first mention and then last name only for every additional mention. Yet for some reason, the new deputy legal counsel, Cassandra Butts, is referred to as “Cassandra” in the additional mentions. Sexism much? “Butts” is a perfectly good Christian name! We like Butts. Buttsy! Ah ha ha, we used to have a dandy of a time back in the day, we did alright, with good ol’ Butts. So why does the Obama transition team censor her last name? Did they find some arcane, incredibly childish problem with “Butts” that bloggers would use for cheap laffs? Did they not realize that censoring “Butts” would, in fact, call more attention to their comical paranoia? There is no need to cover-up Butts. [The Page]


WE HAVE FAILED YOU

Liberal WONKETT Blog Tries To ‘FAIL’ That ‘Thank You George W. Bush’ Website

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Few e-mails — especially press releases! — have ever been so deserving of a Gmail Star. Oh, GAHH, this was for “Immediate Release” and we’re 11 hours late! Sorry! Onward. MORE »


FROM THE INBOX

Screw Gold Or T-Notes, PUT YOUR MONEY IN PORNO

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

“With a large mainstream budget and dazzling special effects, ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is both an epic blockbuster for the ages, and a sexy, erotic adult film that consumers and distributors are fervent to get a hold of. ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is the most pre-ordered film in adult history and Digital Playground is easily maneuvering through the recession unscathed.” DIVERSIFY DIVERSIFY!! Here’s your vaguely-NSFW link. It looks so-so! [Pirate Porno Economy-Saver Movie]


PSYCHO

John Kerry Plans Genocide?

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

Oh look, it’s past one o’clock on any day, which means John Kerry has just e-mailed all of Washington his 64th press release of the early afternoon. And what is it about? Murder. MURRRRRDER.


2008

Huckabee Minuteman Pedophilia Embezzlement Thievery Revealed

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

It sounds so good until you read the actual press release:

The Huckabee campaign faces national scandal today, as recent e-mails sent by Minuteman Co-Founder and Huckabee campaign member Jim Gilchrist are released that threaten to malign another leader with false accusations of child molestation, pedophilia, embezzlement, and thievery!

And thievery, too!

Huckabee Campaigner and Minuteman threatening e-mail Scandal [Some press release]


FRED THOMPSON

All-Business Thompson Team Calls Huckabee ‘Court Jester’

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

iz smarter thn teh huckbeezFred Thompson is still randomly trying to win Iowa, and these days that calls for a Mike Huckabee attack (Huckafuck?) Today, Dipshit McGoo’s Iowa team sent out a press release criticizing Huckabee’s weakness on Thompson’s strongest suit: the ability to take things seriously. MORE »


CONGRESS

Barack Obama’s Technology Plan: Sleeper Hit of 2007

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

terrorists will fall for those baby internet eyesSilly Andrew Sullivan didn’t mention shit about Barack “The Face” Obama’s technosavvy “innovation” plan in his stupid Atlantic article, and could The Face be upset? He probably doesn’t care either, but still, his campaign sent out an e-mail furiously titled “EXPERTS PRAISE BARACK OBAMA’S TECHNOLOGY AND INNOVATION AGENDA” to show us just how cool he is with the technology hepcats. MORE »


ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Eerie Simulacrum of Tragic American Hero Flying Delta Shuttle Today

Thursday, September 20th, 2007

In a century or so, you'll be a Real Doll - WonketteThis is just creepy and wrong and weird — we got a press release earlier this morning advising us that “PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ARRIVES IN WASHINGTON D.C.” today. It’s from Madame Tussauds, whose Chinatown by-way-of-Coney Island (but somehow… not awesome?) wax museum is opening soon. And yes, Abe’s hideous life mask attached to a 7 ft tall mannequin is on the Delta Shuttle to National right now. He gets in at 11:45. They bought him a ticket and they’re posing him on the goddamn seat. Maybe they can bring JFK’s doppelganger in on the Acela. The quiet car, natch. Press release, after the jump! Still time to make it to the National to see the whole gross spectacle, guys!

MORE »


REPUBLICANS

Nut vs Nut

Wednesday, May 16th, 2007

After crazy 10th-tier candidate Ron Paul’s delightful “9/11 was our fault, would you like an opportunity to grandstand, Mr. Giuliani?” outburst last night, the ornery congressman has quickly displaced Chuck Hagel as the GOP’s single least favorite human being, also edging out Osama bin Laden and Rosie O’Donnell. So bring on the crazy challenges! MORE »