Wonkette

Oh look, it’s past one o’clock on any day, which means John Kerry has just e-mailed all of Washington his 64th press release of the early afternoon. And what is it about? Murder. MURRRRRDER.

It sounds so good until you read the actual press release:

The Huckabee campaign faces national scandal today, as recent e-mails sent by Minuteman Co-Founder and Huckabee campaign member Jim Gilchrist are released that threaten to malign another leader with false accusations of child molestation, pedophilia, embezzlement, and thievery!

And thievery, too!

Huckabee Campaigner and Minuteman threatening e-mail Scandal [Some press release]

Fred Thompson is still randomly trying to win Iowa, and these days that calls for a Mike Huckabee attack (Huckafuck?) Today, Dipshit McGoo’s Iowa team sent out a press release criticizing Huckabee’s weakness on Thompson’s strongest suit: the ability to take things seriously. MORE »

Silly Andrew Sullivan didn’t mention shit about Barack “The Face” Obama’s technosavvy “innovation” plan in his stupid Atlantic article, and could The Face be upset? He probably doesn’t care either, but still, his campaign sent out an e-mail furiously titled “EXPERTS PRAISE BARACK OBAMA’S TECHNOLOGY AND INNOVATION AGENDA” to show us just how cool he is with the technology hepcats. MORE »

This is just creepy and wrong and weird — we got a press release earlier this morning advising us that “PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ARRIVES IN WASHINGTON D.C.” today. It’s from Madame Tussauds, whose Chinatown by-way-of-Coney Island (but somehow… not awesome?) wax museum is opening soon. And yes, Abe’s hideous life mask attached to a 7 ft tall mannequin is on the Delta Shuttle to National right now. He gets in at 11:45. They bought him a ticket and they’re posing him on the goddamn seat. Maybe they can bring JFK’s doppelganger in on the Acela. The quiet car, natch. Press release, after the jump! Still time to make it to the National to see the whole gross spectacle, guys!

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After crazy 10th-tier candidate Ron Paul’s delightful “9/11 was our fault, would you like an opportunity to grandstand, Mr. Giuliani?” outburst last night, the ornery congressman has quickly displaced Chuck Hagel as the GOP’s single least favorite human being, also edging out Osama bin Laden and Rosie O’Donnell. So bring on the crazy challenges! MORE »

Thanks, as always, to porn. A press release headlined “‘Nappy Headed Ho’s’ Movie May Fund Imus Retirement” found its way to our inbox today. It’s a heartwarming offer from some California porn producers to give $1 from each DVD sold of an upcoming release to Don Imus.

Nappy Headed Ho’s stars girls with closely twisted or curled hair (the dictionary definition of “nappy”), who have sex for money (the dictionary definition of “ho”).

That’s the kind of truth in advertising we just can’t get from the rest of the so-called mainstream media.

If Imus refuses to accept the money, the good people at Kick Ass Pictures have decided to donate it to the United Negro College Fund.

Full release after the jump.

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Justice at last! George W. Bush is about to be impeached and arrested, or vice versa — for trying to murder some guy at Boeing, or something.

Obviously, due to Supreme Court case 05-140, Nancy Pelosi has to order the Police to immediately seize the president and put him on trial.

The case was apparently thrown out last month. That’s probably what “The motions for leave to file petitions for rehearing are denied” means, right? But we’re as anxious to see Bush convicted of murder as any patriotic American, so we’ll show you the whole press release, after the jump.

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URGENT: Can someone help us make sense of this release from Rep. Tom Price’s office?

This is what we’ve got so far: MORE »

What we learned: MORE »