This is the best that friend-to-nice-ladies David Paterson could come up with, explaining why he decided to exit the New York governor’s race: “It has become increasingly clear to me in the last few days that I cannot run for office and try to manage the state’s business at the same time.” He has a point — can you imagine any incumbent elected official trying to run again, for the same office, while still on the job? A “re”-election campaign, we would likely call this frantic dystopian circus. HOW WOULD YOU SPLIT UP THE TIME! [YouTube]

Whoa, a long-ish speech with the wife and two muppets? He didn’t even lose an election earlier today, and he’s not resigning immediately, so… why he must just be very self-absorbed! Here is why he is not running: Congress is broken and our nation is on the brink of failure, so like a brave statesman, it is his duty to… run away from the problem as fast as possible and make buttloads of $$$ lobbying for one special interest or another! No, “too much.” Let’s go with this: He can be more effective at cutting the federal budget deficit through the private sector. That sounds rhythmically correct, no? [YouTube]

Since most top-notch political pundits do not understand or value public policy, they simply did not care for Barack Obama’s attempt to explain a very complicated reform effort last night with such grown-up words as “incentivize” and “cost-curve.” Psychotic Harvard fart-talk! This is why they are instead focusing on how reverse-racist it was for Obama to say white police officers acted “stupidly” by arresting that black guy who broke into his own home. But don’t blame the reporters! It was Obama’s decision to be so boring for 50 minutes that made them focus on this exciting 51st minute-adverb that “Real Americans” understand. MORE »

Here we have excerpted the traditional “red meat” portion of a Barack Obama press conference, in which we hear from all three network news correspondents, consecutively. Why does Obama cave to John McCain and Lindsey Graham and hate Iranian people and lie about other things such as health and money care? Health care and money? Health care and money care and Iran and John McCain and queers? MORE »

We did not liveblog this Obama press conference, sorry, but fear not! We hear that a website called the Internet has a good recap. TPM describes the President’s attitude as “testy,” and, that’s just how we like our Muslin cooked. Here’s an example of Obama being Testy in response to yet another human asking about his smoking. He tells her, “Fuck off, fraud,” and then cuts a few butts and kicks Chuck Todd in the tummy, to honor Neda. [YouTube, TPM]

• OBAMA TO TALK IRAN, MAYBE, LATER: Barack Obama is scheduled to hold a press conference with Italy’s leathery clown king, Silvio Berlusconi, at 5 p.m. today, to discuss Stuff. In other words, a bunch of reporters will harass him about Iran. His options are to either declare war on Iran or allow John McCain and Andrew Sullivan to do it themselves, on Twitter. [Swampland]

• TIME TO IGNORE OUR IMPORTANT BANKRUPT NEWSPAPERS AGAIN: Symbolism: “The White House announced that President Obama will hold a primetime news conference at 8:00 pm ET on Wednesday — his 100th day as president.” Boy howdy, Ed Henry’ll have to pull a real firecracker out of his ass to top the last one. [First Read]

Robert Gibbs made a very special announcement today about the communist plantation, Cuba! You can now travel and send gifts and clothes there — if you’re a Cuban-American with family on the island, that is. (Although the liberal New York Times writes that there maybe be more easing on the way, which Obama may announce during his trip this week to Trinidad and Tobago, which is very symbolically near Cuba.) MORE »

Earlier today we mentioned CNN White House correspondent Ed Henry’s performance at the press conference last night, and how he and his fellow busybodies were rapidly spinning and spinning and spinning to make it appear as though he didn’t look like a goober when Obama called him a twat. In the latest effort, Henry has written an exclusive article for CNN.com called, “What really happened with Obama.” It is approximately 5,000 words and includes sports metaphors, heavy doses of edge-of-your-seat drama, tricks o’ the trade, and maybe a little bit of SELF-SATISFACTION. To reiterate our headline, it is the worst article in American history, at least since yesterday when K-Lo wrote something funny about Notre Dame and abortions. MORE »

This is what it was like in Soviet USSR Russia, we bet! The guy, on the teevee, every night. Five year plans, advancing upon the enemy stronghold, great progress made in the Martian Dirt Wars, etc. We don’t know FOR SURE about this, as we arrived in the USSR about two weeks after it officially ended — this is true! — and by then it was all tits & death metal on the RUBIN black-and-white set. Anyway, is the recession over yet? Has Komrade Obama talked it away, while his douche-bots in the East Room try to act like they understand anything beyond do-nuts and Twitter? MORE »

LIVEBLOG OF THE DEBATE OR WHATEVER, LATER: Mean old Barack Obama is going on Jay Leno or something at 8:00 ET tonight for another primetime press conference. There’ll be loads of questions about god knows what; anything from the future of currency flows to retarded bowling games to that pop star who beat up his pop star girlfriend. Sam Stein will ask why the Republicans aren’t all in jail. Too exciting for words! So return here a few minutes before 8:00 ET for our liveblogs, and don’t forget beforehand to buy all the liquor ‘n’ guns Prince George’s County has to offer. [ABC News]

Hey it’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday on Thursday, so Barack Obama is giving a commemorative primetime news conference right now! (He would do it on Thursday, but that would preempt Survivor. It’s never too early to ruin one’s reelection chances.) Here’s Ken’s “pre-game blog,” but now let’s see what the man himself has to say. Will he promise us all gold, like Ron Paul did? MORE »

Ha ha, we said we’d liveblog this thing but what if the cable news networks don’t even cover sad old George Bush’s last press conference in his whole life? That would surely be embarrassing, for your Wonkette but most particularly for the President. Well, let’s sit tight and fix ourselves some Bailey’s and coffee before whatever the hell is supposed to happen at 9:15. If there’s no George Bush we’ll just liveblog … uh, Roland Burris? Surely he’s about due for one of his thrice-daily press conferences. MORE »