Tag Archives: press conference

  grab that cash with both hands and make a stash

Child-Regifting Job Creator Justin Harris Got $4 Million In Tax Funds For Jesus Pre-School

These big David Byrne suits dont' just grow on trees, you know.
Hey, we bet you’d like to read a story about sleazy child-regifting monster Justin Harris that isn’t about his sleazy child regifting for a change, wouldn’t you? Lord knows we have plenty of those already, and the whole sordid mess isn’t nearly finished playing itself out. Instead, let’s learn a bit more about Justin Harris, the small-government entrepreneur who says that government never created a single job — no, really, he said that — and who liked to brag in campaign ads about all the jobs he created at his “Growing God’s Kingdom” preschool in West Fork, Arkansas. Turns out he and his wife, Marsha, had a little help creating those jobs! Read more on Child-Regifting Job Creator Justin Harris Got $4 Million In Tax Funds For Jesus Pre-School…
  Parental Rites

Ark. Rep. Justin Harris Had Daughters’ Demons ‘Exorcised’ Before ‘Rehoming’ Them With A Rapist

The power of Derp compels him
The sad, ugly saga of Justin Harris and the “rehoming” of his two adopted daughters just morphed into a B-movie horror flick. According to several people who knew the Harrises, the super-Christian Arkansas state rep. and his wife, Marsha, believed the young girls were possessed by demons and hired “specialists” to drive Satan from the children’s tiny bodies. They also kept their six-year-old adoptive daughter locked and isolated in her toyless room with just a video camera to watch her so she couldn’t “communicate telepathically” with her four-year-old sister. Read more on Ark. Rep. Justin Harris Had Daughters’ Demons ‘Exorcised’ Before ‘Rehoming’ Them With A Rapist…
  Arkansas Unraveler

Girls’ Foster Parents Not Impressed With Kid-Dumping AR Rep Justin Harris’s Sob Story

A member of the truth-challenged community
The bizarre story of Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris and his decision to “rehome” his two adopted daughters with a family friend and employee, Eric Francis, who later raped one of the girls, continued to unfold in High Weird Mode over the weekend. Following his press conference Friday, Harris gave a 35-minute interview to Drew Petrimoulx of TV station KARK in which he continued to place most of the blame for the troubled adoption on the Arkansas Department of Human Services (DHS) and, continued to insist that the children were so seriously emotionally disturbed that they put his entire family in danger. Read more on Girls’ Foster Parents Not Impressed With Kid-Dumping AR Rep Justin Harris’s Sob Story…
  The Christian Lawmaker And The Devil Children

Kid-Dumper AR Rep Justin Harris So SO Sorry … That DHS Screwed Him And His Family (Video)

Marsha and Justin Harris
  After the older of his two adopted daughters — at the mature age of six — was raped by the man to whom he had “rehomed” her, Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris (R – “God’s Kingdom”) gave a press conference today to attempt to justify it. (He did not attempt to justify the rape, by family friend Eric Francis, to whom he had turned over his two adopted daughters in late 2013; he merely attempted to justify the rest of it.) Harris started by “clarifying” that “the victims here are the children,” since the country and the Internet did not take well to his sad claim yesterday that it was he and his wife who had “suffered a severe injustice.” While the girls were “the real victims,” he back-pedaled, he and his wife had been “failed” by the Department of Human Services, which is really to blame. Read more on Kid-Dumper AR Rep Justin Harris So SO Sorry … That DHS Screwed Him And His Family (Video)…
  Won't Someone Please Think Of The Neglectful Parents?

Justin Harris Had To Abandon 6-Year-Old Daughter Before She Ax-Murdered Whole Family

Ugly doesn't begin to describe these. The sweaters are pretty bad, too
Here’s your morning update on Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris, who naturally had excellent reasons for giving up on his two adopted daughters and “rehoming” them with another family in 2013. Harris issued a statement late Thursday to explain that he and his wife, Marsha, are the real victims here. Oh, yes, in addition to that unfortunate business with his 6-year-old daughter getting raped by Eric Francis, the man they “rehomed” the girls with. My, yes, that was sad. Read more on Justin Harris Had To Abandon 6-Year-Old Daughter Before She Ax-Murdered Whole Family…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  Tortoise Song Trilogy

Ted Cruz Will Be New Senate Majority Leader, Pope, Astronaut, And Ballerina

Behold! He stands before us!
With Mitch McConnell’s reelection and the Republicans taking over the Senate, America’s first Otherkin Senator is poised to finally ascend to the Senate Majority Leader job that he has wanted since forever. And who knows, maybe Ted Cruz will actually let him do that! At the moment, Cruz is playing coy, not willing to say on CNN last night whether he’d actually support McConnell for Majority Leader. The Senator from Alberta was only willing to say that’s “a decision for the conference to answer next week.” Not that he would ever be an obstructionist or anything. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Be New Senate Majority Leader, Pope, Astronaut, And Ballerina…
  Trust Me: I Suck!

NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

At least he's sorry
NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league’s multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest possible standards, which is why he also is sure he can keep his promise to do better and not let players’ off-field brutality fall between the cracks anymore. Read more on NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You…
 

Live Blog! Obama Takes Vacation From Vacation To Solve All The Problems

Even though President Obama is supposed to be on vacation (impeach!) on Martha’s Vineyard, dahhhling, riding his bicycle and golfing and spending time with his family and hugging it out with Hillary Clinton, he has jetted back to Washington to huddle with his advisers about how everything is terrible. Iraq. Ferguson. Donald Trump (especially that). Read more on Live Blog! Obama Takes Vacation From Vacation To Solve All The Problems…
  all due respect

Nancy Pelosi Will Be On Your Show Never, Bill O’Reilly, Does Never Work For You?

Here is Nancy Pelosi dismissing a reporter from the Bill O’Reilly Television Zoo Crew, like a boss. “Bill O’Reilly has a quick question for you,” the reporter, who had camera filming his inquiry, began. “He ran into you at the Kennedy Center Honors recently and he said you said you would do an interview with him, in fact he said you would do an interview in your office.” Egad! And why didn’t you drop everything to talk to Mr. Personality, Madame Minority Leader? What are you hiding? Read more on Nancy Pelosi Will Be On Your Show Never, Bill O’Reilly, Does Never Work For You?…
  never give up never ... oh

How Is Barack Obama Ruining America’s Perfect Health Care Delivery System Today?

Caving to the incoherent spittle-filled demands of Republicans — especially Texas Rep. Steve Stockman — that Obama rewrite Obamacare but without rewriting Obamacare and take personal responsibility for personally writing bad code for the Obamacare websites, personally, the president held another at-home apology tour today, in which he used lots of awkward analogies (something about football and also seatbelts?) to explain AGAIN that he really did not anticipate how many Americans would be so dumb as to want to keep their craptastically craptastic insurance plans, and he is VERY SORRY he did not foresee that, and he is also VERY SORRY that he thought people would want better health insurance, and so he will allow insurance companies to keep offering you your craptastically craptastic insurance plans for another year if that will make you happy, you idjits. (He did not actually say that; we’re just paraphrasing and reading between the lines, although really, we wish he would say that because it would be a lot easier to understand than all these weird rambling football analogies, and we’re pretty sure that’s what he actually meant.) Read more on How Is Barack Obama Ruining America’s Perfect Health Care Delivery System Today?…
  we heard he put his feet on the desk once too

Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk

Hey, Drudge and Weekly Standard, did anything happen during President Richard Milhouse Obama’s press conference with the Turkish premiere or prime minister or president or whatever? (We are not required to know who that guy is, because AMERICA.) Oh, nothing, he just CALLED OUT THE MARINES? Well that is one way to murder all of us with martial law and posse comitatus and other terrible FEMA Camp things. “Obama Calls Over Marines to Shield Himself and Turkish PM from Rain,” says the Standard, which is the entirety of its blog post except the vid, above. “OBAMA CALLS IN MARINES,” says Drudge. If you are making Marines take time out from their busy schedules of protecting our freedoms just so you don’t get some Jesus Tears on you, then surely, SURELY, now it is time to inpeach? Read more on Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk…
  waiter could we get a bag of dicks for this fine fellow?

Hey, Has Anybody Else Been As Stupid As This Guy Yet?

The unseen fellow asking Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick whether the Boston Massacre was a “false flag” operation so TSA agents can “put their hands down [his] pants” is apparently Dan Bidondi, a “correspondent” for Alex Jones’s Infowars. Bully for them! Great job, fucking idiots! Because obviously the government did Boston so they can snatch everyone’s pipe bombs, which, of course, you can pry from Alex Jones’s cold dead hands. Read more on Hey, Has Anybody Else Been As Stupid As This Guy Yet?…
  the life of a republican is always intense

Obama Says GOP Wants To Go Get Sushi, Not Pay

President Barack Obama took to the podium in the White House press room to explain that it is not a good idea to shut down the government just because the president has only cut $2 trillion in spending (so far). This seems fair enough, if you are a communist. But the press corps was all “Whycome Nobumer won’t be nicer wif GOPs?” so Nobumer was all “I am a friendly guy! I like a good party! We can haz friends?” Poor lonely Bamz, wandering around the White House late at night, moaning “but what about our relaaaationship?” to which the correct answer is always “Relationship? Fuck that.” What else did Eleanor Rigby say at her presser? Read more on Obama Says GOP Wants To Go Get Sushi, Not Pay…
  don't know what we were thinking

NRA Literally Blows Nation’s Head Off; Midwest Has Sucking Chest Wound

In a bizarre “press conference” that permitted no questions, National Rifle Association executive vice president Wayne LaPierre declined to offer the sort of small but sensible concession that many idiots like your Editrix expected in the wake of the Newtown massacre — offering to compromise on the gun show loophole for background checks, for instance, or maybe something about okay fine maybe we don’t need hollow-point bullets — and instead declared #war on gun-free zones at elementary schools, celebrities, the Legend of Zelda, the lack of a national registry of the mentally ill, and probably single mothers and Easy Bake ovens, we don’t know because at some point his words smashed through our brains and splattered them all over our monitor. It is very messy. Read more on NRA Literally Blows Nation’s Head Off; Midwest Has Sucking Chest Wound…
  cry cry cry baby cry cry

Your Wayback Time Machine To Last August’s House Vote On The Fiscal Cliff

Perhaps you have just watched John Boehner manage to stop himself from weeping through his press conference outlining where we go now, after yesterday’s ceremonial Shitting of the Bed. And you noticed (after of course noticing the ease with which he told fat lies like he was Mitt Romney in orangeface, again) that he mentioned several times that the inability to come to an agreement with the president and the senate is not the fault of House Republicans, because they passed a bill to replace the sequester back in August. Let us remind ourselves of what this comprised. Read more on Your Wayback Time Machine To Last August’s House Vote On The Fiscal Cliff…
  our hero

Barack Obama Will Punch Graham’s and McCain’s Lights Out Probably, He Is So Mad About Them Slagging Susan Rice

Earlier we brought you the BREAKING NEWS that Senator John McCain is a puckered old asshole, and also why he is full of poo. B. Barry Bamz responded to McCain’s typical slurring of UN Ambassador Susan Rice in his press conference today by going all HULK SMASH and practically challenging McCain and his partner in E-vil, Miss Lindsey Graham, to fisticuffs! Here is a thought problem for our Internet friends: Was it SEXISMS by Barack Obama to get all het up on Rice’s behalf? Like, we cannot imagine him being so ruffled and dandery and whatnot if it were, say, Simon Rice under attack? The answer, of course, is YES it is sexisms. But it is our Barry O, so it is okay? Read more on Barack Obama Will Punch Graham’s and McCain’s Lights Out Probably, He Is So Mad About Them Slagging Susan Rice…
  How It Is Done

Bright Young Thing Luke Russert Asks Nancy Pelosi Why An Old Lady Like Her Won’t Step Aside For Someone Young and Cute

So here is your video of Luke Russert being an ass to Nancy Pelosi at her press conference announcing she intends to continue as House Minority Leader. Because, surely there are some 24-year-olds who would be really good at Dem Leadering. Doesn’t that old lady know that Gen Y always thinks they get to be the boss? Oh, and speaking of boss, that is how Nancy handles the twerp: Like a BOSS. Read more on Bright Young Thing Luke Russert Asks Nancy Pelosi Why An Old Lady Like Her Won’t Step Aside For Someone Young and Cute…
  Annals of Journamalism

NRO Simply Does Not Care For ‘Insane’ Questions About Romney’s Bizarre Libya Statement

So, you know how Willard Mittingston Wigglesworth Romney IV made a very important foreign policy statement about the murders of American diplomats in Libya, which kind of left even Republican foreign-policy experts gobsmacked at its tone-deaf injection of politics into a developing foreign crisis? Yeah, that thing. Well, now. Katrina Trinko at NRO’s “The Corner” would just like to point out that reporters asking questions about the crazy thing Romney said is the thing that is actually crazy, thank you very much: Read more on NRO Simply Does Not Care For ‘Insane’ Questions About Romney’s Bizarre Libya Statement…
  greatest day of tucker's life

Brave Daily Caller Muckraker Exercises His Freedom To Troll

Well, Ol’ Barry Obama went out to the Rose Garden to speechify his new plan to kill all white children and let Mexican children have their homes, and then this guy, Neil Munro of Tucker Carlson’s treasured Daily Caller, interrupts him to start babbling something. Obama hates this person but responds anyway. Now people are all yelling at the Daily Caller for its classlessness, how this will hurt its “reputation,” etc. etc. Oh, please. This was a great PR thing that Tucker Carlson did for his little website and your ethical rebukes will only make him happier. Pure bad faith, baby, that’s how we roll in the Greatest Country In The History Of The World these days. Read more on Brave Daily Caller Muckraker Exercises His Freedom To Troll…
  paranoia will destroy ya

Romney Campaign Starting To Get Weird

You guys, we are starting to worry about the Mitt Romney campaign. They seem to be getting a little paranoid, like they’ve maybe read one too many email forwards from Glenn Beck. The event was a double-secret press conference at the solar energy company Solyndra — “double-secret,” obviously, because if the President’s vast army of drones found out about it, they would be surrounded by black UN helicopters and herded onto FEMA trains. The Thursday visit was kept a tight secret by the Romney campaign, which told reporters they needed to travel in a campaign bus to an undisclosed location. A Romney adviser said the campaign had concealed the event location for fear the Obama administration would somehow prevent them from staging it. […] Really, Romney advisor? Like how? Maybe they would have some of their staffers show up and blow bubbles and vuvuzelas in a big Brooks Brothers/Burning Man party? Oh haha no, that is what you did yesterday! So is it something more sinister? (It is something more sinister!) Read more on Romney Campaign Starting To Get Weird…