Take heart, sad Barry fans: even though your guy lost everything except Vermont last night, he will be President someday–after groundbreaking President Hillary Clinton expires of old age. This morning Senator Clinton hinted that she might add Barack Obama to the ticket if the people of Ohio allowed it. MORE »

If you were John McCain and you had to defeat Barack Obama in order to become the world’s oldest non-Communist President, how would you do it? (Keep in mind that you cannot point out that Obama is “urban” or “at risk.”) The answer may surprise you! MORE »

Serious political sites everywhere are presenting this political photograph so that readers might help solve this great political mystery: Is French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s girlfriend, model and songwriter Carla Bruni, pregnant from Sarkozy’s center-right sperm? Or did she just have a small bit of food recently? [Huffington Post]

Everyone loves orange-headed Space.com founder Lou Dobbs. After all, he has protected you from the Mexican. By hosting a teevee show about how he will stop the Terrible Mexicans, Lou Dobbs truly personifies America: He is a very rich person making millions of additional dollars every year saying things that make certain unemployed people feel angry. And then those angry unemployed people watch the commercials for denture slime or protections against home intruders or time-share offers or over-the-counter solutions to the heartbreak of incontinence. LOU DOBBS IS AMERICA. [Lou Dobbs For President]

The Amazing Kreskin, an ex-famous mentalist who remarkably is only 72, claims he knows the winner of the 2008 presidential election. Being a douche, however, he won’t tell anyone, so we still have to deal with these gawddamn daily Iowa polls. He did write the name on a piece of paper and put it in a locked box, which is safely stowed in NYC’s World Bar. Someone needs to steal this and pry it open, obviously; but if the winner’s Fred Thompson it must be put away immediately. Or if it’s Rudy Giuliani. Or like the other 20 candidates. Kucinich is cool tho. [CBS News]

Silly Andrew Sullivan didn’t mention shit about Barack “The Face” Obama’s technosavvy “innovation” plan in his stupid Atlantic article, and could The Face be upset? He probably doesn’t care either, but still, his campaign sent out an e-mail furiously titled “EXPERTS PRAISE BARACK OBAMA’S TECHNOLOGY AND INNOVATION AGENDA” to show us just how cool he is with the technology hepcats. MORE »

Fred Thompson can’t get a dad-gum thing right, and he’s fixin’ up a fuss like the tadpoles in April-time, or something like that. Before a scheduled interview with Fox News in New Hampshire — it’s only Thompson’s third appearance there — interview Carl Cameron announced into a studio microphone, “The next president of the United States has a schedule to keep.” Oh he totally set up Thompson, who couldn’t help but interject with, “And so do I.” The boy is sick! Just let him go home, Principal God.

Even Fred Thompson doubts he’ll be president [Telegraph]

Randy Crow is not a hero. He’s just a simple North Carolinian running for president as a Democrat. Allow us to introduce this wonder whose website we stumbled across — or rather, allow Randy Crow to introduce himself: “I am the tenth generation or so grandson of Pocahontas through my mother and father.” MORE »

A long time ago in Russia, old drunken Boris Yeltsin needed somebody to actually run the country, which was kind of a wreck at the time, so he appointed a nice KGB spy named Vladimir Putin to be Prime Minister. Everybody was so pleased with the situation that a few weeks later, Putin became “acting president,” and then there was an “election” which Putin easily won and he has been the Royal President ever since. MORE »

America is moving out of the closeted-gay/sex-criminal Bush Era to a bold new “out and proud” world, according to FOX, which has hired a lesbian lady to be president. MORE »

Recent polls show that the fat, oversatisfied inhabitants of the so-called greatest country on Earth are nothing more than a pack of petulant brats who do nothing all day but nag the hard-working elected officials who keep the country’s trains running on time and try to protect the place from Canadian invasion. MORE »