Tag Archives: president obama

  Don't vote for him if you like living

Jeb Bush Will Murder Medicare And Your Mee-Maw

Why do nobody think I smarts?
Are you an Old? If so, then this post is not for you, because Jeb Bush doesn’t want to murder your Medicare. But are you a card-carrying member of the Future Olds Of America club? US TOO! Do you want to have healthcare during that time right before you cross the Rainbow Bridge your Golden Years? Well then you don’t want to vote for Jeb Bush, because he wants to murder your Medicare, with fire. Bush was doing one of those campaign events where you suck on the wrinkled penises of the Koch brothers in front of a live audience, and said hey, we should get rid of that thing where the Olds get to go to the doctor and stuff: Read more on Jeb Bush Will Murder Medicare And Your Mee-Maw…
  no YOU are the real racist

Dumb Okie Hicks Greet ‘President’ Obama With Treason Flag, Love

President Obama arrived Wednesday for a state visit to the foreign hinterlands nation of Oklahoma, and the natives, they were restless! And racist! Now usually when a duly elected president (twice, fuckers, TWICE) visits, people of all political stripes drop their grievance shit for a moment and show a little respect to the office, but not Oklahoma wingnuts. Instead they decided to show up at Obama’s hotel and wave around their Confederate flags, probably because they’re so proud of their Heritage Not Hate: Read more on Dumb Okie Hicks Greet ‘President’ Obama With Treason Flag, Love…
  Bow down bitches

Use These 5 Black Hippity-Hop Songs To Oppress Sean Hannity’s Lily-White Ass

Sean Hannity knows these are the faces of the True Oppressors.
What is WRONG with Sean Hannity? No, we mean besides the obvious things like his incompletely formed sense of his own masculinity. Hannity had a MELTDOWN over the Confederate Flag on his radio show Wednesday. You see, if retailers are going to get rid of the Confederate flag, he is FINE WITH THAT, but fair’s fair, and they should also ban all that blackity-black music the kids like to twerk to. Right? Because if the Confederate flag is hurtful to black people because of its racist, murderous implications — thanks solely to confessed white supremacist murderer Dylann Roof and for no other reasons at all — then surely rappers who use the N-word in their music are hurting black people just as much as some dumb flag is, right? Read more on Use These 5 Black Hippity-Hop Songs To Oppress Sean Hannity’s Lily-White Ass…
  Because I don't WANT TO Greta!

President Donald Trump Has Secret Plan To Kill ISIS, But Loser Obama Doesn’t Even Care

That's his war face.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Donald Trump has a YOOOOOOGE secret plan to kill ISIS dead, but he ain’t about to tell you losers about it. And why not? Well, because then it won’t be a secret anymore! Last week, Trump (TRUMP!) explained to an incredulous Greta van Susteren why he won’t reveal his plan: “Because I don’t WANT to, Greta.” She responded that we “need all the help we can get!” so Trump explained further: Read more on President Donald Trump Has Secret Plan To Kill ISIS, But Loser Obama Doesn’t Even Care…
  that's not the only reason Rudy

Rudy Giuliani Could Be President Of 9/11 If He Wasn’t Gay Married To Immigrant Abortions

Hey. Remember 9/11?
Rudy Giuliani stopped by the Fox News derp emporium to talk about 9/11 violence in Baltimore, and host Neil Cavuto just wanted to know “Why not you?” for president of America, instead of all these other rinky dink has-beens? Well, the answer is simple: Rudy Giuliani WOULD be a great Republican president, except for how he loves gays, abortion and foreigns so much, which won’t fly with the wingnut GOP base: Read more on Rudy Giuliani Could Be President Of 9/11 If He Wasn’t Gay Married To Immigrant Abortions…
  Mainline some top-grade Alabama dumbass this morning

Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around

So it is Wednesday, the third day since Alabama was victimized by a gratuitous federal over-reach-around that required the state to allow gay marriage, even in the really wingnut parts. Let’s look at the Alabammy gay sexy news that has happened since we last updated you on their tantrums, yesterday, when the great majority of probate judges were simply saying, “don’t care about the Constitution, sorry, have you met us?” Read more on Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice

She was living a nightmare. Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Methaqualone Blackout had only meant to make a short trip down the island of Manhattan to marvel at the new Freedom Tower and ponder the hardy spirit of America. But her cab found itself at a complete standstill, trapped in a jam caused by thousands of the hoi polloi out protesting a black man’s choking death at the hands of an officer of the esteemed NYPD. Moved by their spirit, she threw her cabbie several of the Liberty dollar coins in her change purse and exited the vehicle, determined to walk among the people and commune with their spirits. Read more on Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice…
  whine and cheese party

Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?

Yesterday our Glorious Leader Barack Obama (peace be upon him) took to the White House press room for a briefing with the inchoate brain stems that masquerade as the national media. We didn’t watch this because we have some pride and self-respect (also, we were drunk), but we understand that B. Barry Bamz first talked about the success of Obamacare, then mooned the Capitol before twisting CBS News correspondent Major Garrett’s head completely off his shoulders and shooting some hoops with it out on the White House basketball court. Ha ha, we kid about Major Garrett. Severed heads are notoriously difficult to dribble. But the president did tout the success of Obamacare – eight million people have now signed up for insurance through the exchanges, exceeding the original projection by one million (and by two million the revised projection the CBO put out after the initial bungled rollout of Healthcare.gov last fall). It was a bit of a victory lap for Obama, and who can blame him after the five years of non-stop shrieking and bitching and spiteful obstruction he has encountered in his pursuit of cramming the tyranny of affordable health insurance down freedom-loving Americans’ throats? Oh hi, Dana Perino. Would you like to whine like a five-year-old at bedtime? Read more on Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?…
  and next year in jerusalem

Eric Cantor: Why Won’t Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Work With That Nice Friendly Gentleman Eric Cantor?

Gather round, ye children of this fair land. It has cometh to our attention that scoundrels, muckrakers, and charlatans hath sought and attained positions within our genteel federal government. These miscreants have the audacity to make partisan public speeches – IN PUBLIC, no less. These divisive, partisan activities and vile words are not acceptable to the gentlemanly persuasions of Eric Cantor, who nearly fainted from ferklemptness recently. How were Cantor’s delicate sensibilities nearly destroyed? It started when the dumb stupid President called him to wish him a Happy Passover and discuss immigration reform. Yet earlier that very same day, the President gave a speech attacking Republicans for not moving such legislation! The audacity of some people! Everyone knows that Republicans never, EVER, make partisan speeches to raise money one day, only to try to work together with Democrats on another. (Hahaha, they actually don’t, because that second thing.) Naturally, Cantor had to release a blistering partisan press release in which he derided blistering partisan attacks. Because why show class when this will raise more money for you and your party. Let’s hypocrisplore.  Read more on Eric Cantor: Why Won’t Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Work With That Nice Friendly Gentleman Eric Cantor?…
  quiet rooms

Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?

After years of trying to hide his commie pinko inclinations with aggressive free market policies and inclinations towards a deregulatory economic landscape, President Obama is FINALLY letting his socialist freak flag fly–and he’s doing it in PUBLIC, no less, where he has been talking about income inequality and its effect on America’s social fabric. Did you forget that he had made some big speeches about the middle class this week? We did too, because we were busy being distracted by Anthony Weiner‘s Carlos Danger’s penis, but luckily, the New York Times has written an article about Obama’s pivot to open socialist commie Marxism, (probably to distract everyone from BENGHAZI). Read more on Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?…
  "Gitmo" had a strong opening and has proven to have legs

Gitmo To Stay Open, Guaranteeing More Hilarity From Madea

‘Twas a mere four weeks ago when El Jefe Obama gave a speech about drones or something and nobody was really listening until Tyler Perry showed up and yelled at the prez about how he should close the prison at Guantanamo with his magic presidenting powers and Barry actually said that her point of view is important to listen to, and we thought that was cool of him even though Tyler Perry was being rude, and also that those of us who pay attention (yes purity trolls, we do pay attention) know that Congress is the group that has to close Gitmo. The administration can cajole and demand and twist John Boehner’s balls until he turns a darker shade of orange (if there even is a darker shade of orange) but look at how willing the Republican-led House has been to work with the president on anything. Bamz could propose renaming Washington D.C. to the Ronald Reagan Shining City on a Hill and the wingnuts would piss on him. We missed a follow-up on the issue a few days ago. What can we say? Mommy-blogging is hard, you people: Read more on Gitmo To Stay Open, Guaranteeing More Hilarity From Madea…
  You So NSAsty

I’m Sorry, NSA

To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency, I’m sorry. I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications. Read more on I’m Sorry, NSA…
  ricin man is the least popular superhero

Ricin Letters Might Have Been Clumsy Frame-Up, Script Treatment For Coen Brothers Movie

Remember last week when someone mailed a letter containing ricin to President Obama and a Mississippi senator, and it was only about the tenth-most-interesting story going on at the time? And then the guy accused of doing it, Paul Kevin Curtis, turned out to be nuttier than a bag of nuts? And then the cops released the erstwhile Elvis impersonator/Ted Nugent fanboi/accused assassin-by-biological-warfarer? Well, now the cops have arrested Curtis’ sworn enemy in the matter, and it turns out that new suspect Everett Dutschke is also a super-stand-up guy. Wait, did we say super-stand-up guy? We meant an accused pedophile that on his best days is still loopier than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunset Strip club crawl. Read more on Ricin Letters Might Have Been Clumsy Frame-Up, Script Treatment For Coen Brothers Movie…
  Won't someone please think of the unborn children

President Obama To Eat Live Fetuses on TV Or Something Like That

Clutch your pearls and bring out the smelling salts, because this is sure to make fetus fetishists get all faint and outraged and stabby (or clinic bomby — for life, of course): Planned Parenthood Federation of America announced today that President Barack Obama will deliver the keynote address at the organization’s annual gala dinner in Washington DC on Thursday, April 25. The “Time For Care” dinner, attended by Planned Parenthood’s supporters and national and local leaders from across the country, will honor champions of women’s health. Read more on President Obama To Eat Live Fetuses on TV Or Something Like That…
  Down With the Brown

Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever

Campbell Brown is a former CNN anchor and Objective Journalist who is extremely concerned that President Obama isn’t doing enough to combat gun violence. So she took to the always-objective Wall Street Journal editorial page to give the president some objective advice: The president’s campaign against gun violence has produced a stale debate marked by lots of speeches with little achieved. A more creative chief executive would have used this moment to widen the discussion by drawing attention to the increasingly graphic violence so pervasive in television shows, movies and videogames. Mr. Obama is particularly well positioned to challenge Hollywood because of his special relationship with the media world’s elites. Stale debate! Little achieved! Yes, President Obama has failed to pass major legislation through a hopelessly deadlocked Congress in three months, because that’s an easy thing to do. Read more on Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever…