Tag Archives: president obama

  Mainline some top-grade Alabama dumbass this morning

Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around

So it is Wednesday, the third day since Alabama was victimized by a gratuitous federal over-reach-around that required the state to allow gay marriage, even in the really wingnut parts. Let’s look at the Alabammy gay sexy news that has happened since we last updated you on their tantrums, yesterday, when the great majority of probate judges were simply saying, “don’t care about the Constitution, sorry, have you met us?” Read more on Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice

She was living a nightmare. Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Methaqualone Blackout had only meant to make a short trip down the island of Manhattan to marvel at the new Freedom Tower and ponder the hardy spirit of America. But her cab found itself at a complete standstill, trapped in a jam caused by thousands of the hoi polloi out protesting a black man’s choking death at the hands of an officer of the esteemed NYPD. Moved by their spirit, she threw her cabbie several of the Liberty dollar coins in her change purse and exited the vehicle, determined to walk among the people and commune with their spirits. Read more on Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice…
  whine and cheese party

Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?

Yesterday our Glorious Leader Barack Obama (peace be upon him) took to the White House press room for a briefing with the inchoate brain stems that masquerade as the national media. We didn’t watch this because we have some pride and self-respect (also, we were drunk), but we understand that B. Barry Bamz first talked about the success of Obamacare, then mooned the Capitol before twisting CBS News correspondent Major Garrett’s head completely off his shoulders and shooting some hoops with it out on the White House basketball court. Ha ha, we kid about Major Garrett. Severed heads are notoriously difficult to dribble. But the president did tout the success of Obamacare – eight million people have now signed up for insurance through the exchanges, exceeding the original projection by one million (and by two million the revised projection the CBO put out after the initial bungled rollout of Healthcare.gov last fall). It was a bit of a victory lap for Obama, and who can blame him after the five years of non-stop shrieking and bitching and spiteful obstruction he has encountered in his pursuit of cramming the tyranny of affordable health insurance down freedom-loving Americans’ throats? Oh hi, Dana Perino. Would you like to whine like a five-year-old at bedtime? Read more on Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?…
  and next year in jerusalem

Eric Cantor: Why Won’t Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Work With That Nice Friendly Gentleman Eric Cantor?

Gather round, ye children of this fair land. It has cometh to our attention that scoundrels, muckrakers, and charlatans hath sought and attained positions within our genteel federal government. These miscreants have the audacity to make partisan public speeches – IN PUBLIC, no less. These divisive, partisan activities and vile words are not acceptable to the gentlemanly persuasions of Eric Cantor, who nearly fainted from ferklemptness recently. How were Cantor’s delicate sensibilities nearly destroyed? It started when the dumb stupid President called him to wish him a Happy Passover and discuss immigration reform. Yet earlier that very same day, the President gave a speech attacking Republicans for not moving such legislation! The audacity of some people! Everyone knows that Republicans never, EVER, make partisan speeches to raise money one day, only to try to work together with Democrats on another. (Hahaha, they actually don’t, because that second thing.) Naturally, Cantor had to release a blistering partisan press release in which he derided blistering partisan attacks. Because why show class when this will raise more money for you and your party. Let’s hypocrisplore.  Read more on Eric Cantor: Why Won’t Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Work With That Nice Friendly Gentleman Eric Cantor?…
  quiet rooms

Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?

After years of trying to hide his commie pinko inclinations with aggressive free market policies and inclinations towards a deregulatory economic landscape, President Obama is FINALLY letting his socialist freak flag fly–and he’s doing it in PUBLIC, no less, where he has been talking about income inequality and its effect on America’s social fabric. Did you forget that he had made some big speeches about the middle class this week? We did too, because we were busy being distracted by Anthony Weiner‘s Carlos Danger’s penis, but luckily, the New York Times has written an article about Obama’s pivot to open socialist commie Marxism, (probably to distract everyone from BENGHAZI). Read more on Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?…
  "Gitmo" had a strong opening and has proven to have legs

Gitmo To Stay Open, Guaranteeing More Hilarity From Madea

‘Twas a mere four weeks ago when El Jefe Obama gave a speech about drones or something and nobody was really listening until Tyler Perry showed up and yelled at the prez about how he should close the prison at Guantanamo with his magic presidenting powers and Barry actually said that her point of view is important to listen to, and we thought that was cool of him even though Tyler Perry was being rude, and also that those of us who pay attention (yes purity trolls, we do pay attention) know that Congress is the group that has to close Gitmo. The administration can cajole and demand and twist John Boehner’s balls until he turns a darker shade of orange (if there even is a darker shade of orange) but look at how willing the Republican-led House has been to work with the president on anything. Bamz could propose renaming Washington D.C. to the Ronald Reagan Shining City on a Hill and the wingnuts would piss on him. We missed a follow-up on the issue a few days ago. What can we say? Mommy-blogging is hard, you people: Read more on Gitmo To Stay Open, Guaranteeing More Hilarity From Madea…
  You So NSAsty

I’m Sorry, NSA

To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency, I’m sorry. I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications. Read more on I’m Sorry, NSA…
  ricin man is the least popular superhero

Ricin Letters Might Have Been Clumsy Frame-Up, Script Treatment For Coen Brothers Movie

Remember last week when someone mailed a letter containing ricin to President Obama and a Mississippi senator, and it was only about the tenth-most-interesting story going on at the time? And then the guy accused of doing it, Paul Kevin Curtis, turned out to be nuttier than a bag of nuts? And then the cops released the erstwhile Elvis impersonator/Ted Nugent fanboi/accused assassin-by-biological-warfarer? Well, now the cops have arrested Curtis’ sworn enemy in the matter, and it turns out that new suspect Everett Dutschke is also a super-stand-up guy. Wait, did we say super-stand-up guy? We meant an accused pedophile that on his best days is still loopier than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunset Strip club crawl. Read more on Ricin Letters Might Have Been Clumsy Frame-Up, Script Treatment For Coen Brothers Movie…
  Won't someone please think of the unborn children

President Obama To Eat Live Fetuses on TV Or Something Like That

Clutch your pearls and bring out the smelling salts, because this is sure to make fetus fetishists get all faint and outraged and stabby (or clinic bomby — for life, of course): Planned Parenthood Federation of America announced today that President Barack Obama will deliver the keynote address at the organization’s annual gala dinner in Washington DC on Thursday, April 25. The “Time For Care” dinner, attended by Planned Parenthood’s supporters and national and local leaders from across the country, will honor champions of women’s health. Read more on President Obama To Eat Live Fetuses on TV Or Something Like That…
  Down With the Brown

Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever

Campbell Brown is a former CNN anchor and Objective Journalist who is extremely concerned that President Obama isn’t doing enough to combat gun violence. So she took to the always-objective Wall Street Journal editorial page to give the president some objective advice: The president’s campaign against gun violence has produced a stale debate marked by lots of speeches with little achieved. A more creative chief executive would have used this moment to widen the discussion by drawing attention to the increasingly graphic violence so pervasive in television shows, movies and videogames. Mr. Obama is particularly well positioned to challenge Hollywood because of his special relationship with the media world’s elites. Stale debate! Little achieved! Yes, President Obama has failed to pass major legislation through a hopelessly deadlocked Congress in three months, because that’s an easy thing to do. Read more on Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever…
  no fatties

Journey To The Center Of The Derp: Ted Nugent Tries To Mash All Wingnut Buttons At Once

Ted Nugent. Yes Ted Nugent and do not start yelling lovely commenters, because maybe he says this crazy shit all of the time, but this time he has joined up for an interview with a radio talking guy who is just as wingnutted and wrong as him, and they hit every single rile-up-a-redneck-talking point there is for all wingnuttery forever and maybe NOW they will shut up? (They will not shut up.) But still, this is a good link to keep for the next time there’s a chance to play Wingnut Bingo. National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent made inflammatory comments about President Obama and said Cubans “haven’t figured out personal hygiene” during an appearance on an online radio show hosted by 9/11 truther and conspiracy theorist Pete Santilli. Santilli, who has promoted conspiracy theories relating to the December 14 massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School that left 20 children and six educators dead, does little to hide the fact that he is a conspiracy theorist. The recorded introduction to his radio show says that it is broadcast from “FEMA region nine” and that the show’s purpose is to counter “the New World Order, the global elite and their eugenics agenda.” All right! This sounds like this should be fantastic! Get ready, as Nugent brings on the perfect storm of crazy, a whirling all-encompassing final theory of everything – he’s got your Godwin, Sandy Hook, NRA, fucktard radio host, sexism, xenophobia and fat-shaming! Read more on Journey To The Center Of The Derp: Ted Nugent Tries To Mash All Wingnut Buttons At Once…
  what happens in israel stays in israel

Obama’s Sweet Ride Breaks Down In Israel Because The Wingnuts Needed A New Metaphor

Happy Israel Day! Yes! The President is in the Holy Land for the first time ever you guys, and it is so exciting and full of love and Scientology-style billion-year-contracts of eternal and forever alliances, and oh my God, what is wrong with your sweet ride, Pres O? “We experienced mechanical trouble with one of the cars,” said Edwin Donovan, a spokesman for the Secret Service. “We don’t know the cause.” “That’s why we bring different multiple vehicles,” Donovan said. Read more on Obama’s Sweet Ride Breaks Down In Israel Because The Wingnuts Needed A New Metaphor…
  we're not racist you're racist

Very Sane Tea Party Man Warns Of Obama’s Army Of Blacks

Ever wonder what is really behind all this “they deserve a vote, let’s all stop killing each other, no more crazy guns everywhere all the time” nonsense push for “rational” gun policies in America? Ever thought it might all just be a ploy to give the President an excuse to begin the violent race wars we all knew would be coming? Well the Gun Owners of America president Larry Pratt wants you to know you are right! In yet another episode of “things crazy people will say outloud” Mr. Pratt went on Stan Solomon’s very insightful radio program with his buddy the conserva-blogger Greg W. Howard and explained the intricate domino effect of just exactly what is going on: Pratt predicted that President Obama may begin confiscating guns in order to provoke a violent response to justify further oppression, which host Stan Solomon feared would lead to the imprisonment of hundreds of thousands of people. Pratt once again insisted that Obama is acting like King George III, a sentiment with which Solomon concurred, saying, “That will happen quickly and they will wipe those people out to set an example.” But Solomon wasn’t finished: “I believe they will put together a racial force to go against an opposite race resistance, basically a black force to go against a white resistance, and then they will claim anyone resisting the black force they are doing it because they are racist.” Howard agreed: “You may be right because he has been sowing the seeds of racial hatred; we were healing quite well as a nation on racial issues until Obama came along and now we have a lot of racial discord.” Read more on Very Sane Tea Party Man Warns Of Obama’s Army Of Blacks…
  that should do it

Everyone Go Sign Mitt Romney’s ‘Stop Hitting Me’ Petition

Mitt Romney has a never-ending list of complaints about things President Obama is not allowed to criticize him on — Medicare, his business career, taxes, things of that nature — but the Obama campaign simply won’t stop. The only way to stop this now is to get the people involved. We must all sign this petition to get our names in the Romney contact database end the hurtful attacks on Mitt Romney during this most important of elections. Will you, reader, “sign [this] petition if you agree President Obama should take his campaign of division and anger and hate back to Chicago”? Read more on Everyone Go Sign Mitt Romney’s ‘Stop Hitting Me’ Petition…
  rumors on the internets

The President’s Famous And Farming Is Hot

It’s Friday! Lounge in some articles about presidential legacies, lazy candidates, and a changing farming industry. Here’s an article about why presidents shouldn’t be concerned about how they will look when they go down in history. We’re pretty sure the main thing history is going to remember about President Obama is he was the first black president to love gay people! That is, until another one of those comes along and we remember he signed off on the “indefinite detention” act. [The Atlantic] Read more on The President’s Famous And Farming Is Hot…
  rumors on the internets

China Didn’t Want Those Dumb American Jobs Anyway

Your morning news: this time with a main dish of weird news that Americans have finally begun stealing jobs back from China, a side of old news (yeah, yeah, Bush is annoying) and a dessert of future news (everyone’s going to be on Facebook soon!). Read more on China Didn’t Want Those Dumb American Jobs Anyway…
  rumors on the internets

Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!

This Thursday, Mitt Romney’s unlikable, Bill Clinton’s talking some awkward talk, and Barack Obama is making money. This is news? Unlike Bill Clinton, Mitt Romney is a terrible neighbor. Somehow he is gentrifying his already rich neighborhood and alienating his gay neighbors. He clearly needs to throw a huge, weird party with celebrities and funny people and fun drugs, like truffle oil! So basically, the presidential campaign equivalent of a White House Correspondents’ Dinner. [The New York Times] Read more on Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!…
  rumors on the internets

Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon

Today, people are re-thinking same-sex marriage and moon bases, and selling off movie theaters. Wait, what? Is this the future? Where’s my jetpack? Same-sex marriage opposition has dropped significantly since the President spoke in favor of it. Oh, so if the President jumped off a cliff, would you too? [Washington Post] Read more on Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon… Read more on Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon…
  tasty

Obama Transformed White House From Rotting Ooze-Pile To Delicious Treat In 100 Days

Here is something for you all to masturbate to on this “Slow News Friday”: a Jell-O sculpture of the White House that magically goes from limp and decayed to proudly turgid, thanks to our new president. Check out the artist, Liz Hickok, who seems nifty! [YouTube/Liz Hickok] Read more on Obama Transformed White House From Rotting Ooze-Pile To Delicious Treat In 100 Days…
  casting call

Rahm Emanuel, Next White House Chief Of Staff?

Hmm, very interesting! Rahm Emanuel loudly pooh-poohed Howard Dean’s 50-state strategy — you know, the deal where you actually pretend that states besides Ohio and Florida matter in electing a president — and now he has been offered the job of Chief of Staff to that same strategy’s biggest benefactor, Barack Obama. Of course Emanuel is from Chicago, just like Barack Obama, so he is well versed in CHICAGO-STYLE POLITICS (i.e. cooking deep-dish pizzas for William Ayers in Tony Rezko’s slum kitchens, with Louis Farrakhan). Read more on Rahm Emanuel, Next White House Chief Of Staff?…