Tag Archives: predictions

  your rock and roll fantasy

Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win

She's got all the goodies
We have told you a bunch of made up reasons why every single endangered incumbent Senate Democratic is actually going to win and Nate Silver can go suck a poll of likely voters. Now let’s examine the Dem candidates for open seats and those challenging vulnerable Republican incumbents. Can we use our powers of wishful thinking and nonsense to conjure an alternate reality in which they, too, will all prevail? We can! Read more on Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  is that so

Here Is Glenn Beck’s Very Unique 2012 Electoral Map

Well, over on whatever website or smelly airwave Glenn Beck currently resides, Beck and his friends/unpaid interns have decided to make some predictions about the 2012 presidential election upon which the fate of the universe rides. Here is Glenn’s measured and educated guess! Wow, good. Read more on Here Is Glenn Beck’s Very Unique 2012 Electoral Map…
  getting creative

Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race

Breitbart hologram Mike Flynn has been feeling the warm breeze of change that causes the flag of America to gently billow across his cheek, and also has been sifting through the history books, poring over some of the most improbable scenarios that have ever befallen America, and has decided that because history repeats itself, as long as that history is conservative-leaning, President Obama is completely going to drop out of the race the way Lyndon B. Johnson did in 1968, so weakened was LBJ by Senator McCarthy’s presidential efforts (which turned out so well)! It’s going to happen! Whoever takes Obama’s place, it does not matter, because the ensuing madness and weakness will ultimately portray Mitt Romney as a supreme being, much the way a fly looks supreme when standing next to a flea. This is a great theory. Flynn would just like to add another thing: Senator Eugene McCarthy was “a serious candidate running on an increasingly popular anti-war message.” Yes. Read more on Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race…
  defeated by oscars goblins

Nate Silver Must Be Fired From Statistics

Welllll Mr. Fancy Baseball and Politics Man knows nothing about the Oscars, apparently! He thought that Taraji Henson would win Best Supporting Actress and Mickey Rourke would win Best Actor. Silver’s calculations excluded several important factors, including: 1) Penelope Cruz is very hot and 2) Sean Penn starred in a feel-good Issues Movie that concerns an issue that many people in Hollywood care about. Nate Silver must be publicly shamed, his statistics license revoked, and his $700,000 book advance donated to a math academy of his choice. [New York Magazine, OSCAR.com] Read more on Nate Silver Must Be Fired From Statistics…
  he probably predicts the weather too

CHUCK TODD, MODERN NOSTRADAMUS: Your editor often braves the terrifying hell-beasts at the top of MSNBC’s First Read because its authors really do have a way of putting a narrative frame around the news of the day. Yesterday we found an intriguing set of bullet points about Tom Daschle, concluding with this prediction: “The Rule of Three will now kick in: No other Obama appointee who has a tax problem will survive, period.” And today, wallah! Obama’s nominee for Chief Performance Officer has to withdraw her name from consideration. No news yet on the whys but it seems safe to assume this has something to do with “a tax lien placed on her house by the D.C government because of a failure to pay unemployment taxes on household help.” The authors of First Read are secretly Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod, and Valerie Jarrett. [Washington Post] Read more on …
  soothsaying

Charlie Crist Will Run For President In 2012

Here is a bold Internet prediction: the newly off-the-market bronze Floridian frat-mammal Charlie Crist will make a run for the presidency next go-round. After all the work he put into his failed quest for the Republican VP nod this year — everything from endorsing the reanimated corpse of John McCain to asking a lady for her hand in marriage — nobody would have been shocked if he had just quit politics altogether once the odious Sarah Palin stole his spot. But his decision to forge ahead, putting his bachelor life behind him and doing something nice for the Everglades, means just one thing: he plans to position himself as the safe, non-religious-wingnut, environmentally reasonable Republican alternative for 2012. Read more on Charlie Crist Will Run For President In 2012…
  prophecies

Sarah Palin Planning 2012 Run, Will Be With America Forever

Jesus, has this 2008 election happened already? Like last week sometime? Nope, it starts exactly seven days from today, and will end sometime in December after all the dumb Virginia Democrats who voted November 5th are cast into the sea and John McCain is crowned Permanent Dictator by the Supreme Court, which does not legislate from the bench. Or! Or Barack Obama will win the election fairly cleanly and handily, and Sarah Palin will immediately commence her 2012 REVENGE PLOT. Read more on Sarah Palin Planning 2012 Run, Will Be With America Forever…
  wtf?

Joe Biden Terrifies Everyone With Promises Of Unpopular, Warmongering Obama Presidency

What is this weirdness? Joe Biden was talking to some supporters this weekend, at a fundraiser, about how Barack Obama will basically turn into a totalitarian dictator after he’s elected, just like Hercules did when he rinsed all the horseshit out of Washington by diverting a few rivers. Plus there will probably be another war or something, which Obama supporters will have to get behind. Read more on Joe Biden Terrifies Everyone With Promises Of Unpopular, Warmongering Obama Presidency…
 

John McCain Commercial ‘2013’ Will Save The World By End Of First Term

The latest John McCain ad looks like a crap telecom commercial from 2001, as rendered by a designer who wanted to work for Apple but ended up toiling in direct mail, as delivered by a robot who speaks only in the passive voice. This description actually makes more sense than the ad, which should frighten America. [YouTube] Read more on John McCain Commercial ‘2013’ Will Save The World By End Of First Term…
 

Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). Read more on Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media…
 

Indiana Primary Will Be A Nail-Biter

If Hillary Clinton loses the North Carolina primary by less than 15 points, it’s basically a win. And if she wins Indiana by a single pledged delegate, that is also a win. Both of these predictions may soon come true! According to new projections by Congressional Quarterly, Clinton will win Indiana in a squeaker — getting 24 district-level delegates to Obama’s 23 — even if she really wins it by up to 6% of the popular vote. Or something. Math is hard! Read more on Indiana Primary Will Be A Nail-Biter…
 

Obama Aide Says Mark Penn Is Delusional

Because it is a day ending in “y,” somebody is ripping on poor old Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s beleaguered numbers swami who gets ridiculed every time he opens his mouth. But this time the critic isn’t one of his coworkers! Refreshing remarks, after the jump. Read more on Obama Aide Says Mark Penn Is Delusional…
 

‘Obama Can’t Win The General Election’

Hillary Clinton’s universally reviled strategist Mark Penn made one of those truth-gaffes today when he basically told reporters that Barack Obama can’t win the general election. Then he tried to finesse it, but he failed, and Harold Ickes blamed him for everything and Patti Solis Doyle was fired, emphatically again, for good measure. Read more on ‘Obama Can’t Win The General Election’…
 

Clinton Campaign Prays For 4 Weird Events

Is this Democratic primary season about math, or hope? Is it about victims, victimizers, or zombies? Never before have the electoral waters been so muddied, but one thing is clear: Hillary Clinton’s campaign would be a lot better off if a selection of freak events were to occur in the very near future. Her options, after the jump. Read more on Clinton Campaign Prays For 4 Weird Events…
 

CNN Reporter Singlehandedly Ruins Election For Hillary

newVideoPlayer("malcnn_wonkette.flv", 463, 387,"");Here is some awesome footage of Suzanne Malveaux telling viewers that the Clinton campaign was already congratulating Obama on his big win in the Potomac Primaries … two minutes before the first polls closed in Virginia and two and half hours before polls closed in Maryland. Hillary probably could’ve won the whole thing if Malveaux had just KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT. Read more on CNN Reporter Singlehandedly Ruins Election For Hillary…
 

Rice: No One Could’ve Predicted That the Bears Would Upset the Colts

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, hanging out with the foreign secretary of Russia, was asked who she liked in Sunday’s Super Bowl. “I really like both Chicago and Indianapolis, but I think Indianapolis is going to win it,” she said. Then, as if it were an afterthought, she added: “And that would be a good thing.” Read more on Rice: No One Could’ve Predicted That the Bears Would Upset the Colts…
 

The First, Wildly Inaccurate Taste is Free

Back in late October, financial mag Barron’s released their predictions for the results of the 2006 midterms. While most Barron’s content is subscriber-only, they opened this piece up to the unwashed mooching masses, so that we could look upon their work and know our foolish mistakes — scandals, corruption, wars; none of that held a candle to cold, hard cash. They predicted that the GOP, due solely to their superior fundraising prowess, would hold both houses of Congress. Read more on The First, Wildly Inaccurate Taste is Free…