Tag Archives: prayer

  pray the concussions away

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Is there nothing this man CANNOT fail at, we mean do?
Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them. No, it is not about padding or anything like that, it is prayer! You see, Allen West played football in high school, so he is an expert. Speaking to a wingnut group in Texas, West explained that back in HIS day, they made sure to pray before every single game, and because of that, he doesn’t remember ANYBODY getting injured or paralyzed. Read more on Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!…
  Are We Having Funds Yet?

How Much Money Will God And Liberals Send To Maine Family Planning Group?

That's Why I Love Mankind
Looks like the Culture Wars have spilled over from food fights to competing claims of divine intervention in fundraising campaigns. With the Great Indiana Gay Pizza Crisis (please give generously) finally at an end — or at least the GoFundMe page no longer taking contributions — there’s now an attempt to get Big Gay-Hating monees for the Washington florist who had to pay a $1000 fine for refusing to do the flowers for a same-sex wedding. That one is currently at $127,000, a pretty good return on a fine. Read more on How Much Money Will God And Liberals Send To Maine Family Planning Group?…
  A Personal Relationship With The Lord

Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God

Ayyyyyyyy, this guy!
And so it came to pass that the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) submitted a lulzy public records request to the office of Christianist Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. What, FFRF asked, was the substance of the Governor’s conversations with one Jesus H. Christ, formerly of Nazareth? Read more on Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God…
  Onward Christian Soldier

Hero Minister Wants Christians To Get Spiritually ‘Violent,’ Because It’s Working So Well In Nigeria

Remember John Hagee, John McCain’s favorite Bible-humping lunatic pastor who, like any good Christian, believes the Catholic Church is the “great whore” and Hitler was God’s personal hunter, sent to Earth to kill all the Jews except for maybe five, who were then chased to Israel so they could bring about the Christpocalypse? Of course you do! As if all of that weren’t bad enough, worst of all, he is pals with Joe Lieberman. Anyhoo, John begat a son named Matthew, and Matthew-Son-of-John seems to take after his dad in that he is a) nuts, b) very confused about Jesus, and c) super fucking nuts. On yesterday’s “Hagee Hotline,” Matthew Hagee called on conservative Christians to become more “spiritually violent” in fighting against things like gay marriage and abortion because secularists who support such things have “become violent with people of faith.” Read more on Hero Minister Wants Christians To Get Spiritually ‘Violent,’ Because It’s Working So Well In Nigeria…
  coming in on a wingnut and a prayer

Supreme Court Tells Towns They Can Pray To Jesus All Night Long

Happy news, America — your town councils can legally start meetings with prayers that are as full of Jebus as you want them to be! The SCOTUS ruled in a 5-4 decision that the town of Greece, New York, was not in violation of the First Amendment’s Establishment clause, even though all but a few of the prayers offered by the council’s guest chaplains were exclusively Christian. We’re pretty sure that there’s no way any other municipalities will take that sort of thing to extremes or anything. Why, yes, South Carolina, we are looking at you. Read more on Supreme Court Tells Towns They Can Pray To Jesus All Night Long…
  remember: it's not in the constitution

You Got Your God In My Government: The Year In ChurchState

Way to go, America! Looks like we got through one more year without becoming a Handmaid’s Tale theocracy, being taken over by sharia law, or rounding up all the Christians and putting them in FEMA camps, so all in all, we’d have to say the state of Church and State is as contentious as ever. The biggest Establishment Clause case that the SCOTUS has heard in a while, Town of Greece v. Galloway, won’t have a decision until 2014. In that case from New York, the town council is being sued for opening meetings with an invocation, almost exclusively given by Christian ministers — the Court has previously ruled that invocations at public meetings are OK as long as they aren’t specifically sectarian, and the current case will determine the lawfulness of Greece’s very Jesus-y opening prayers. The possibility that a discussion of pothole repairs might be kicked off by merely invoking “the almighty” instead of “Christ our Savior” led the Southern Baptists to warn that a ruling against Greece would be pretty much the same as forcing all Americans to be Unitarians. And if that happens, there’s just no telling whether there will be enough coffee to go around. Read more on You Got Your God In My Government: The Year In ChurchState…
  all aboard the je-bus

PC Police End Hero Praying Bus Driver’s Mission To Save Muslim Children

A Minnesota school bus driver — who’s also a pastor at two Minneapolis churches — was fired from his bus-driving job last week for mixing up his two occupations. Needless to say, he believes that interfering with his evangelizing to a captive audience of children on a bus is a violation of his First Amendment rights. George Nathaniel received a warning and was transferred to a different route after the bus company received complaints from the Burnsville-Eagan-Savage school district, but wasn’t going to let some stupid Constitution of the United States get in His Way: “I let them know I am a pastor and I am going to pray,” he said. Because he has a special duty to be a Christian pastor when he is driving a school bus full of Muslim children, don’t people understand that? Read more on PC Police End Hero Praying Bus Driver’s Mission To Save Muslim Children…
  now it can be told

Nice Lady Prophet Explains How Her 6-Year-Old’s Tummy Ache Stopped God From Assassinating Ronald Reagan

Right here is some actual evidence of the power of prayer, so all you atheists just shut up. Cindy Jacobs, a self-proclaimed “respected prophet” who a few years ago repented for all the lesbians and their “girl-on-girl kissing,” told a true tale of the time that her very own son, 6 at the time, saved a president’s life by praying for him! (Not the current president. There are other prayers for him.) Read more on Nice Lady Prophet Explains How Her 6-Year-Old’s Tummy Ache Stopped God From Assassinating Ronald Reagan…
  he who does not have ears to hear is the devil probably why not

Pat Robertson Can’t Believe This Terrible Mother Can’t Even Heal Son’s Deafness Through Prayer

Hey ladies, how are you screwing up your children today? Are you smothering them? You are probably smothering them. Are you neglecting them, with your whoring at your “job”? You are probably doing that too. Are you turning them all into little homicidal maniacs, with, we dunno, welfare fraud? OF COURSE YOU ARE, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But Pat Robertson has one more way you are ruining your kids, and you probably hadn’t even considered it: your kid is deaf because you don’t pray good enough. For real, lady, why do you go and make your kids deaf like that? Responding to a question from a mother who asked why her hearing impaired son hasn’t been healed despite her prayers, Robertson said that her son may be hindered by a “spirit of deafness.” “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed,” Robertson said. “I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” “Why don’t you try that and if it doesn’t work, try something else,” he said. That is some pretty perfect advice: if rebuking the spirit of deafness doesn’t make your deaf kid undeaf, “try something else.” What are some other things these moms who made their kids deaf could try? Read more on Pat Robertson Can’t Believe This Terrible Mother Can’t Even Heal Son’s Deafness Through Prayer…
  did thomas jefferson die on the cross for nothing?

Baptists Warn SCOTUS Of Unitarian Threat

The Supreme Court will be deciding next term whether opening public meetings with sectarian invocations violates the establishment clause of the First Amendment. The Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission filed an amicus brief in the case Friday, arguing that unless towns are free to pray to Jesus before considering sewer plant renovations, then freedom will be over and the government will have forced all Americans to become Unitarians. Read more on Baptists Warn SCOTUS Of Unitarian Threat…
  wee duh people

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate

You might think that our Christianist textbooks would have the decency to mention this true historical event where Jesus handed the Constitution to America’s children while Washington, Lincoln, Adams and Hamilton sang show tunes, but this basic fact is strangely absent from the two textbooks we’ve been reviewing. They don’t even argue that the Constitution is directly inspired by the Bible, though possibly their having been written in the 1990s explains their exclusion of that bit of lunacy, which is mostly a recent product of the highly imaginative David Barton. Even so, there’s plenty of Godstuff to go around! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate…
  darn these onion-slicing ninjas

Nice Time! Arizona State Rep. Gives Secular-Humanist Invocation, Has Not Yet Been Stoned

An atheist state legislator opened Tuesday afternoon’s session of the Arizona House of Representatives with an invocation in which he asked his colleagues to not bow their heads, referred to his secular humanist beliefs, and quoted Carl Sagan. Miraculously, no one shouted “You lie!” or even walked out in response to the invocation by state Rep. Juan Mendez, a Tempe Democrat elected in 2012. For that matter, we have not yet been able to find any examples online of wingnuts citing Mendez’s invocation as proof that America is over, although we suspect this may change as the story hits the wire services. So for the moment, let’s just enjoy the awesomeness of what Mendez had to say … but yeah, we’re keeping an eye on Bryan Fischer’s Twitter, too. Read more on Nice Time! Arizona State Rep. Gives Secular-Humanist Invocation, Has Not Yet Been Stoned…
  they have a friend in jesus

North Carolina Patriots Simply Do Not Care For United States Constitution Tellin’ Them What To Do

Are you a Muslin, or a Jewish, or a Godless, or a witch? Then it is time for you to get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of North Carolina! Republicans there — including the House Majority Leader — have sponsored a bill saying that mean ol’ Constitution, despite a couple centuries’ worth of law and jurisprudence and such other big ol’ words that when you come down to it really don’t mean nothin’, doesn’t actually bar them from declaring Christianity the state religion, which is why Joe Biden is the Pope of Maryland and Massachusetts still outlaws Christmas and burns the witch. State religions for everyone, yeehaw! Vermont can be Unitarian. California will be Scientologist. New York will have endless battles and putsches and holy wars and jihads between reform, orthodox, and whatever that third one is. Liberal? Is that a thing? Read more on North Carolina Patriots Simply Do Not Care For United States Constitution Tellin’ Them What To Do…
  really really real

Romney Mega Prayer Is Real Thing Starting Right Now, Just Might Work: THE LIVEBLOOG

The mysterious entity that created RomneyMegaPrayer.com has already pretty much conceded the election to Barack Obama. “Sort of depressing, isn’t it? Pretty much no amount of campaigning at this point is going to change things. Obama’s going to win,” the cartoon lady in the infographic tells us. “However, a question has been on my mind and it won’t leave me alone.” What’s that question, Cartoon Lady? “What would happen if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney?” Indeed. Read more on Romney Mega Prayer Is Real Thing Starting Right Now, Just Might Work: THE LIVEBLOOG…
  he was applauding too

Gabrielle Giffords Has Won God’s Prayer Sweepstakes, According To Fox

“Nearly 8 in 10 American voters say they believe prayers helped Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords survive the Tucson shooting, according to a Fox News poll released Thursday.” Well, there you have it. We now know why Giffords has made such an amazing recovery: She was a popular subject of prayers, and if there’s one thing God loves, it’s the popular kids. Has the Fonz ever gotten sick? Nayyyyyy. The question is, if Giffords won the prayer sweepstakes — and she has, based on the prizes so far — who lost it? Probably a lot of people who weren’t prayed about very much. Also, when prompted by Fox to do so, most people said they “think the people who commit these kinds of acts will always find the guns to commit violent acts.” Wait, is God providing weapons to murderers too? Read more on Gabrielle Giffords Has Won God’s Prayer Sweepstakes, According To Fox…
  Prayer delivery services

‘1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck’ Facebook Page Maybe Not So Effective

In response to Glenn Beck’s recent announcement that he’s either going to go blind next year or not, a concerned fan has created a Facebook page called “1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck.” Just to be on the safe side and cover all the bases, you know? Beck’s supporters are leaving all kinds of prayers and messages on the page’s official “wall.” Let’s have a look! Read more on ‘1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck’ Facebook Page Maybe Not So Effective…
  drat

We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!

No idea if this is a hoax or not, but a self-identified Republican, “Abraham” — like the famous Jew! — called into CSPAN to ask Republican Sen. John Barrasso why Robert Byrd hadn’t died after Tom Coburn had instructed everyone to pray for it, and they had acquiesced? Maybe Tom Coburn doesn’t know God so well. Weren’t we just talking about expanding medical coverage?[YouTube] Read more on We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!…
  negotiate with this

Terrifying Footage Of Michele Bachmann Prayer Ritual

Hey guys, nevermind, you don’t have to bother asking God to forgive our nation anymore while everyone else in the room moans, Michele Bachmann just took care of that. Oh and also, you don’t need to shout-pray in your raspiest whine for God to kill the Senate health care bill anymore either, some other crazy person already up and did it. [Rumproast] Read more on Terrifying Footage Of Michele Bachmann Prayer Ritual…
  detroit's flourishing political system

Hilarious Monica Conyers Could Be Indicted Today, DEMANDS People Pray For Her

Unbelievably batshit Detroit City Council member Monica Conyers, comparatively young wife of old Congressman John Conyers, may finally go to jail for being an insane, violent criminal. She “has received a pre-indictment letter from federal authorities who have given her until the end of today to reach a plea deal or they will proceed with possible criminal charges against her.” Conyers is famous for threatening people with guns, getting into a shouting match with the Council president — while in session — during which she called him “Shrek,” getting into another shouting match with another Council member during which she “made fun of his hearing, his lack of college degree and started rumors that he has cancer,” and most importantly, in one of the best YouTubes your editor can recall, losing a debate to an 8th grader and getting pissy about it. Will you pray for her today? Read more on Hilarious Monica Conyers Could Be Indicted Today, DEMANDS People Pray For Her…
  debate prep

Not All McCain Staffers Are Godless Heathens

At this point everybody knows about how Sarah Palin griped at some GOP dinner last week about how there was nobody to pray with before the vice presidential debate besides her speech coach/daughter, Piper. And Jesus. Naturally, McCain aides who suffered by her side for months, TWO WHOLE MONTHS, are furious at the suggestion that they weren’t into all that religious bullshit. Read more on Not All McCain Staffers Are Godless Heathens…
  and how's that working out?

Silly Christians Praying For Cheaper Gasoline

Oil hit a new record price today, hooray! It briefly touched $146.23 a barrel before settling down to the much more normal price of, er, $145.85. A gallon of gasoline is averaging $4.09 in the patriotic United States — with D.C. at $4.16, New York at $4.30 and West Coast prices over $4.50. Why do they keep going up, up, up? Because some goddamned Christians are showing up at gas stations and praying, that’s why. Read more on Silly Christians Praying For Cheaper Gasoline…