Wonkette’s associate editor — me! — has received his text message from Barack Obama before anyone else and can exclusively report that Minnesota’s Walter Mondale, who may or may not be alive, will become America’s second black vice president. WHERE IZ MY REPORTIN ACCOLADES BABY? Wait… Walter Mondale? Oh. Oh fuck you, Layne.

Poor Straight Talk Express, it sure had an awful go of things yesterday. At some point, either before or after it crushed an elderly black handicapped war veteran hero’s minivan, some rascally kids put an Obama bumper sticker on it. Check out the first comment on this website, too: “We were planning on doing that in my home town in iowa with a Ron Paul sticker, but decided against it as we figured it would upset people rather than make them laugh.” Huh? [Political Irony]

This weekend, two very exciting things happened in Austin, Texas. Pinko communist Democrats held their state convention, and the governor’s mansion burned into a tragic, crispy crust. Could the two events be related? Let’s examine the “evidence” behind one possible explanation for the calamity: a drunken visiting Democrat left a burning bag of human feces on the (Republican) governor’s doorstep, never guessing the historic building was one vast, uninhabited fire hazard in search of a flame. MORE »

Ron Paul’s most fervent supporters were outraged to learn that “Watson University” had rescinded an invitation for the Libertarian congressman to speak there. One commenter on The City Desk declared angrily that “Ron Paul can teach your entire student body more in 1 hour than they learn in 4 years of study.” But the biggest problem with this educational institution isn’t their brazen dis of America’s greatest patriot. It’s that it doesn’t exist. MORE »

When Karl Rove left his car in the White house parking lot while he went to Texas with the president, some “pranksters” covered it in Saran wrap, stuffed eagles, and an “I Love Barack Obama” bumper sticker. Rove will be getting back to DC tonight, at which point the Secret Service will be dispatched to track down and lock up these jokers.

Pranksters Wrap Rove’s Car [AP via Yahoo]

Representative Marilyn Musgrave, seen here in a photo from Wonkette’s extensive “funny picture” database. (AFP) MORE »

Here is a screen cap from the Drudge Report: MORE »