Tag Archives: portland

  You're fucked too Portland

Seattle To Be Destroyed By Biggest Earthquake Ever, Bye Seattle!

The comments section at Gawker?
OK, Portland and Seattle Wonkers, this is a public service announcement. We are going to need you to find buddies in the comments section (which does not exist), and beg them to let you crash on their couch, because you guys are going to have a REALLY BIG EARTHQUAKE. Yeah, maybe you already knew that, but the rest of America is finding out now, thanks to a fascinating long-read in The New Yorker on what may end up being the biggest natural disaster in U.S. American history. This isn’t some wussy San Andreas Fault 7-point whatever business, this is more along the lines of the 2011 quake in Tōhoku, Japan, which registered 9.0 on the Richter scale and triggered the tsunami that triggered the Fukushima nuclear reactor meltdowns. This is big shit. Read more on Seattle To Be Destroyed By Biggest Earthquake Ever, Bye Seattle!…
  Work Is The Curse Of The Drinking Class

Gov. Paul LePage Will Protect Maine From Threat Of Decent Wages

Guess what body part I'm being? Oh, you guessed!
Maine Gov. Paul LePage is working really hard to earn the title of Most Loathsome Governor in America, which is a difficult task in a nation containing Rick Scott, Bobby Jindal, Chris Christie, Sam Brownback, and so many other worthy candidates. We’re thinking his latest dick move, pushing a bill that would prevent Maine cities from setting a minimum wage higher than the state’s minimum wage of $7.50 an hour, just might be the thing to make him stand out from the rest of the crowd of assholes, making him the dickhead of all dickheads, or cazzo di tutti cazzi. Read more on Gov. Paul LePage Will Protect Maine From Threat Of Decent Wages…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality

Rachel bursts into song
Rachel Maddow brought us some updates Monday to her story last week about the serious outbreak of weird in Oregon. First, as she’d hoped, Rachel scored an interview with C.J. Phillips and Charlie Rainwater, a Portland couple who describe themselves as “high-tech bears,” and they tell her all about their plans for the website JebBushForPresident.com, which is not actually promoting the former Florida governor’s candidacy, but rather, invites gay and straight Americans to “have a chat, share viewpoints, maybe realize that the person you felt you could never have anything in common with is actually dealing with exactly the same issues.” They’re ridiculously sweet guys. And while the domain name isn’t for sale, they do have a backup, just in case: CJandCharlieForPresident.com. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality…
  Come get your drink on

Come Drink All The Beers Tonight At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing, San Francisco

Are you going to drink in San Francisco?
Hi, San Francisco and eleventeen surrounding counties, what are you doing right now? You are counting down the minutes until it is Drinky Thing O’Clock TONIGHT, aren’t you? Yes, yes you ARE. Because that is happening tonight, at 6 p.m.-ish or so, at The Sycamore, and you will be there or be square, which of course you are not because you love your mommyblog recipe hub with dick jokes, don’t you? Yes, yes you DO. Read more on Come Drink All The Beers Tonight At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing, San Francisco…
  if that ain't love then tell me what is

Portland, Oregon, Come Get Your Sloe Gin Fizz, At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing

We don’t think Base Camp Brewing has sloe gin fizzes, but they claim to have a real purty patio, and nice people, and no Pabst. So come on, Portland, and let your Wonket buy you pitchers of beer and platters of fried things, this Saturday, Sept. 20, Base Camp Brewing, 930 SE Oak Street, Portland. Let us call it 6 p.m. to 10ish, because we are one thousand years old. Read more on Portland, Oregon, Come Get Your Sloe Gin Fizz, At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing…
  are you going to san francisco?

We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour

classic wonker
Hey Wonkcats and kittens! A gentle reminder that we will be buying you drinks (or you will be buying us drinks? WHO CAN KNOW?) in San Francisco, this coming Thursday, just six little short days from today! Read more on We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour…
  Nevermind

Here We Are Now Seattle, Entertain Us

Back in our salad days of last June or whatever, we drove around the country, buying you beer. Mostly, this was so we could have a vacation and call it a work expense, except it actually kind of was work. When we lost a man in Kansas, there was no waiting with her until she had de-alcohol-poisoned herself. Nope. There were people waiting on us in Norman, because FUCKING SCHEDULE, and we had to leave Miss Lisa Wines in her hotel room. TO DIE. Read more on Here We Are Now Seattle, Entertain Us…
  supreme court rules sneeze guard must be removed

Portland Ice Cream Parlor Sells ‘Bortion-Flavored Ice Cream To Benefit Planned Parenthood

The Daily Caller advises us today that a Portland, Oregon, ice cream parlor offended the sensibilities of all good pearl-clutching citizens Thursday by holding a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood, and it even “created a new flavor of the frozen treat to mark the occasion.” Oh no! Now even ice cream has lost its innocence! The parlor, What’s the Scoop, donated 10% of all sales during a three-hour window to Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon, Planned Parenthood’s political arm, and featured the “exclusive, limited-edition ROSE CITY REVOLUTION flavor,” according to PPAO’s Facebook page. Rose City is one of Portland, Oregon’s nicknames. That seems pretty mild, really. No Fetus Crunch? No Devil’s Food & Chocolate D&C? Not even a George Tiller Chiller? Seems pretty wimpy to us. But no matter. Whatever the flavor, it’s the amniotic fluid on top that gives it that special kick. Read more on Portland Ice Cream Parlor Sells ‘Bortion-Flavored Ice Cream To Benefit Planned Parenthood…
  bloomers to be next hot fashion trend

‘Women’s Christian Temperance Union’ Still Thing That Exists, Now Opposes Reefer Madness

Nostalgic for the days of Carrie Nation? Want to protect hearth and home from the Sorrows of Drink, or weed, or the Pokémans addiction? Then you may want to get yourself signed up for the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, which is still somehow a going concern 80 years after the end of Prohibition. And since Prohibition was such a huge success, now the organization’s 4,000 to 5,000 members are gearing up to fight the demon weed Marijuana, according to this AP story. Seems that the Maine chapter of the WCTU has resurrected itself in response to Portland’s recent referendum legalizing pot use — a law which is expected to have no real effect, since police say they’ll continue to enforce state laws against the stuff. Read more on ‘Women’s Christian Temperance Union’ Still Thing That Exists, Now Opposes Reefer Madness…
  first they came for the celebrities...

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Leave Bristol Alooooooone

There are some days when Yr Wonkette is very glad that we do not allow comments. Because if we did, we might find ourselves with bucketloads of comments like these, from “Livefree601″ on the topic of Bristol Palin, teen mom and Planned-Parenthood Dismantler: She’s literally the most amazing and strongest woman out there. Who else could remain that strong in the face of haters and slanderers? AND she’s still the fully devoted mommy to the most blessed little boy And this: She’s literally the strongest person out there and the most loving mommy. Such a lucky little boy. Motherhood suits her. And at the end of the day, she’s not fake and doesn’t act like life is perfect. And nine or ten more. Literally. They aren’t all like that, but it’s just hard to get past how sad it is that somebody out there has decided that their hero is Bristol Palin. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Leave Bristol Alooooooone…
  eating was fun while it lasted

Kansas GOP Jealous Of Congress Hogging All The Ways To Shame Poor Hungry People

You know what’s bringing this country down? Not big money in politics, not gerrymandering Congressional districts to create 832 safe seats, and not even bakeries shutting down because they can’t be bigots. No, those are all peripheral issues — the real problem in America is the poors. Seriously, it’s sickening how poor people are just so… poor. They live in ramshackle houses, drive old cars, and don’t even have the decency to wear tailored suits! Seriously, just get some money and stop whining about being poor already, k? Such downers. If there is anything the GOP has taught us, its that the best way to deal with poors is the same way you deal with uppity womyn who want nonsense like equality and non-rapey militaries: shame the lot of them until they go away or die. Well, Kansas is stepping up to the (empty) plate, per HuffPo: Thousands of Kansans could lose food stamps under a new state policy that congressional Republicans hope to implement nationwide. Oh,  joy. A pilot project! Read more on Kansas GOP Jealous Of Congress Hogging All The Ways To Shame Poor Hungry People…
  hot teen sluts

Hero Oregon Math Teacher Suspended Just For Telling Students Planned Parenthood Would Turn Them Into Streetwalking Prosties!

Well here is another fine howdeyedo! Bill Diss, a computer and math teacher in Portland, Oregon, has been suspended just because (according to the district) he is unprofessional and intimidating and harassing and told his students they would end up on “82nd Avenue” (WHERE THE WHORES ARE) if they joined the “Let’s Not Get Pregnant After-School Club for Kidz” put on by the Department of Health and Human Services in conjunction with a bunch of baby-murdering pimpers named “Planned” “Parenthood.” But wait! There’s more! Read more on Hero Oregon Math Teacher Suspended Just For Telling Students Planned Parenthood Would Turn Them Into Streetwalking Prosties!…
  just do it (unless it involves taxes)

Nike Will Trade You 500 Jobs for Billions of Dollars in Tax Revenue

Nice local economy you have there, Oregon. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to it would you? Good, then you’ll surely trade us billions of dollars in tax revenue, for, say, 500 jobs. Isn’t that a sweet deal? Sure it is, it’s a great deal: Under pressure from Nike, Governor John Kitzhaber took the extraordinary step Monday of summoning lawmakers for a hurry-up special session to give the giant sportswear company greater tax certainty. Doing so, Kitzhaber said, would spark a big expansion by Nike in Oregon. It’s unclear where the company plans to grow, but construction alone would tally $440 million, he said. Also too, did you notice the very first sentence in the very first paragraph of this article? “Under pressure from [corporation], the elected representative of [given group or constituency] summoned a meeting like a fire had been lit under his ass to MAKE SURE he could meet [unstated demands] of [corporation] according to [unspecified] time table to provide [financial incentives] in exchange for [some vague thing corporation hasn’t defined or committed to].” Also, “tax certainty” is usually a euphemism for “not paying any taxes,” but you probably already knew that. Read more on Nike Will Trade You 500 Jobs for Billions of Dollars in Tax Revenue…
  not supposed to say it is just like goebbels

Wingnuts Furious Media Ignored Huge Crowds at Romney Rallies That Are Actually Obama Rallies

Matt Barber is an asshole, that is not “news.” He tweeted the above famous photo of a Portland rally (which at the time, we recall, some Foxers claimed the huge crowds had turned out not for Obama but for The Decemberists) and was quite miffed that the media is ignoring these huge, er, Romney rallies? The good folks at Good As You noted this, and Barber was forced most unwillingly to change his complaint from “media ignoring giant Romney rallies” to “now Obama’s rallies are so small!” But Barber seems to have gotten his ridiculously bad information from the crazy person after the jump. Read more on Wingnuts Furious Media Ignored Huge Crowds at Romney Rallies That Are Actually Obama Rallies…
  nice time!

Your Lunch-Time Nice Time Video: Is Anyone In The Portland Police Bureau *Not* Gay Or Lesbian?

Here is your biweekly “niceness” post, wherein we push away, for a moment, sad humans screaming about buggery and Ann Romney being a twatbag. Meet the Portland Police Bureau gals and dudes, every last one of whom seems to be a total gay, telling kids it gets better. Portland may have just landed itself in the finals for the chance to win a Wonkette Drinky Thing just for this. Who do you like best? The policelady who was born a boy, but wanted to grow up to be a beautiful woman just like her mother? Us too. [Via TruthWinsOut] Read more on Your Lunch-Time Nice Time Video: Is Anyone In The Portland Police Bureau *Not* Gay Or Lesbian?…