Wonkette

Sweet Japanese Jesus: “A Japanese civil servant was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites on his office computer over nine months, an official said Friday.” 780,000, divided by nine months, divided by 22 workdays in a month… carry the zero… he looked at four billion Internet pornography boobs a day, every day. [AP/Raw Story]

The biggest news story in the world is, of course, about some little ‘tween girl from Disney TeeVee who was forced to pose for naked photographs by an old lesbian photographer for Vanity Fair. This is very shameful, how Conde Nast let its magazine be used for half-nekkid pictures of an entertainer who is a girl child. The little girl only made $100 million dollars for having to be the star of Hannah Montana, which is the story of “Achey Breaky Heart” sensation Billy Ray Cyrus and his secret daughter who wants to be on teevee. The question is, which presidential candidate was more of a lech to the innocent little child, Obama or McCain? MORE »

It’s never too early to do a little Christmas shopping for your worst enemies, especially when the “shopping” is free! Send the people you hate a shitty poster of these beloved “conservative women” bloggers. Ha ha it’s funny because wingnuts are always complaining about “loose women” or whatever. Choose from Ann Coulter smoking on the balcony, Michele Malkin in the woods with a liberal computer, or Keith Richards. (PS — Don’t really do this because the “free” posters actually cost $7. Just print up a few at work. Use all the color cartridges. After all, you’ll be giving them to the people you hate most: the people you work for.) [Free "Luce Lady" Posters]

A shocking new study proves that Republican voters are having more sex than their Democratic counterparts, but Democrats are having less sex with more people, and everybody is basically watching pornography day and night, and both the right and left would happily let themselves be sodomized by the new president, in the White House, as long as that president is “attractive” to the kind of people who vote. MORE »

The Fox affiliate in Los Angeles apparently has the greatest local news show in the world, if this insane Investigative Feature is indicative of the general awesomeness. Meet America’s domestic terrorists, some dudes who bug the fuck out of people on the Interwebs. Or, more accurately, meet the victims — the victims who suffered so tragically, like when the one kid found gay porn all over his myspace page and then his only girlfriend ever broke up with him. Why did the terrorists do it? Just for the lulz.

Anonymous on Fox 11 [Fox 11]

How’d that “Merry Fitzmas” work out, anyway? Oh, not so good? Oh well! Iran totally had it coming. MORE »

America’s favorite ultra-conservative liberal sweetheart gets the full pornographic Esquire treatment this month, with enough homoerotic tough-guy imagery to make Norman Mailer glance wistfully at his shriveled member. For instance, Hagel’s “face is too meaty for poetics, its tectonics shaped by old football injuries and one horrible day in the Mekong Delta when the flesh of it bubbled and burned.” Get a room, dude. MORE »

This blurry screengrab shows what we are nearly positive is one our very own DC Metro trains. After the jump, watch the extremely NSFW video from whence it comes.

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Bathroom gossip and war pornographer Kyra Phillips was reportedly the last journalist (or TV announcer, whatever) to be flown around in an F-14 so that she’d do a fluff feature on how great it is to do a fluff feature on the military. Some Kyra highlights from the transcript: MORE »

Time for your weekly look at the life of leisure that is a gig on Capitol Hill. This week, your questions were all indicative of creepy anti-social tendencies and our Anonymous Hill Staffer’s answers were all sorta mean. You guys were meant for one another.

After the jump: competitive eating, pornography, intern ass, and the Secret Service. You know, typical fare.

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What journalist has the best gig in the country? We think it might be James Wensits of the South Bend Tribune. He gets to follow around Crazy Congressional Candidate Tony Zirkle. Zirkle, whose antics and threats of French Revolution-style public executions we’ve covered previously, is the craziest candidate of the ‘06 midterms — a group not lacking in craziness. Let’s check in with Tony and see what he’s up to this week:

Now, Zirkle says, he will shred a copy of the “original Marilyn Monroe Playboy magazine” at a Monday news conference in his South Bend law office. He has made a campaign issue of pornography and sex-related crimes.

According to Zirkle, he paid $1,200 to an Internet source to acquire the rare magazine so that he could destroy it.

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All we can say is that our Anonymous Hill Staffer needs to get laid. There is notable lack of actual sex and a surfeit of the simulated variety this week, as well as a couple lessons in increasing your word power (among other things).

AHS also let us know that he’d been drinking less than usual this week, because, apparently, a lot of work has to get done in Congress before everyone skips town on Friday. It’s Jesus’ fault, natch. “It’s his birthday or his anniversary coming up next week, so everyone’s going home to be act like they’re good Jesus-lovers.” On that note, this week’s installment of Ask A Hill Staffer is after the jump.

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Guessing Game time. The Hill presents us with a former dominatrix turned porn industry lobbyist. She’s in town fighting the good fight for smut. But who’s she lobbying? MORE »