Here is Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, at this weekend’s Values Voters Summit, talking about pornography. He has a number of interesting thoughts on the subject. Did you know that all porno is GAY porno? It is, seriously. MORE »

ROMNEY’S HOT NEW POTBOILER DUE OUT IN MARCH: Smut merchant Mittens “Willard” Romney will publish a sexy new nonfictional work, No Apology: The Case for American Greatness, an unapologetically graphic 304-page how-to guide to Tantric brain-sex with the awesomest nation on earth. Reserve your copy now! [NBC's Newly Redesigned Local News Sites, Which Are So Purty]

Ha ha ha we randomly clicked on this LA Times headline thinking, “Alex Kozinski, isn’t she that rich NYT gal with the plastic surgery and the surrogates?” But no, duh, the name should ring a bell because Alex Kozinski is the infamous cow porn judge who shocked America last June with revelations that he kept pubic-hair shaving instructionals and other naughty photos, such as naked ladies painted like cows, on some (whoops!) publicly accessible Web page. MORE »

• TUCKER CARLSON TO SAVE THE INTERNET: Check it out, a fancy new clicky-clicky! “Pundit Tucker Carlson publicly announced Tuesday that a right-leaning news site resembling the Huffington Post he’s been planning will go live within weeks … ‘Tell the truth, and be accurate,’ Carlson said of the venture’s goals. ‘It’s very important to live up to the basic standards of journalism.’” Doesn’t making something explicitly “right-leaning” or “left-leaning” in and of itself make it impossible to be an important journalistic news site? Anyway Tucker’s thing will be called hcsfjm.com. [The Hill]

Well, this is odd! Let us pray for the children that this ad never airs between 6AM and 10PM. UTTER VULGARITY. (Obviously this online ad will never make it onto American TVs; it was produced for the Web by a German agency, so it’s “way out of the non-queer American mainstream.”) [Copyranter]

“Weird news,” indeed. Christ! Can’t you people keep your foul third-rate romance/low-rent rendezvous off the freakin’ Internet, which really doesn’t need more pornography, and certainly not the kind you two would create. Ugh. Thanks, Sadly, No!, for the year’s supply of Nightmare Fuel. [The Corner]

National Review’s Catholic Mexican secretary Kathryn Jean “Jonah Goldberg” Lopez has a problem with her Internets, specifically that oh we don’t know maybe LUCIFER has control of it? “Access to porn is probably in your e-mail account’s inbox right now. You’re probably used to just manually erasing it as spam or setting up automated filters to block it out, but you know it’s out there in a big way. What are you going to do?” Maybe you can stop *accepting* those offers, K-Lo, and masturbate to the nearest peeling beige wall instead, like “Real America” does. MORE »

CAN OBAMA SAVE STRUGGLING MAGAZINE INDUSTRY BY GOING SHIRTLESS? Today, like every day, is “sex day” here at Wonkette. Our local porn rag, The Washingtonian, features a topless photograph of President Obama and his precious boobles in its May issue. Now click that YouTube link in the post below and you will have everything (minus a cold glass of Franzia white zin) for a very hot date with yourself, loser. [Washingtonian magazine]

A terribly immature homophobe sent us this childish nonsense earlier about what he and his girlfriend (Princess Leia) were typing to each other on the Internet: “Me and my girlfriend have been discussing it intensely over gchat for the last 20 minutes and we’ve come to the conclusion that we’ve finally found definitive evidence that David Brooks is gay in today’s nytimes column.” Nonsense, David Brooks is white. It means nothing that his driver in Israel, a “young, hip-looking, alt-rocker dude,” protected him after their car raped another car from the rear. MORE »

Here is a SHOCKER regarding the holy trinity of American hobbies (religion, wingnut politics and pornography). It turns out that conservative Jesus Goblins are using up all of America’s precious porn reserves. A new study proves the “red states” consume so much (gay and interracial) naked sex media, it’s crazy! But is there another, hidden angle to this “Wingnuts Love the PR0N” journalistic revelation? Yes! MORE »

Oh noes certain homes in the Tucson area saw 30 seconds of pornography instead of the Super Bowl as the game reached its exciting conclusion last night! With only three minutes left in play, viewers were shocked to see not football but instead a lady unzipping some guy’s pants, and then “he did his little dance with everything hanging out,” said one stunned resident. It looks like an adult cable channel crossed with the NBC feed into certain analog TV sets. This is a strong argument against converting to digital cable. Why does Joe the Plumber want to keep hard-working Americans from viewing occasional free porn? [Arizona Daily Star]