Tag: porn

Take it off, sweetcheeks.

Nice Porno Company Will Pay Aaron Schock’s Legal Fees, And All He Has To Do Is Guys

Oh hey, Aaron Schock, long time, no see your perky, adorable Republican buttocks! Gosh, has it been a year since you were the most Millennial fashionista in Congress with the most elegant Downton Abbey office ever? It has! And...
Lesbian outlaws

Lesbians Terrorize Hawaii Supermarket With Kisses, Lesbianism

Same old story. Go on Hawaiian vacation, go to grocery store with lesbian lover lady, research various melons (the produce kind, not each other's), kiss lesbian lover on cheek, end up in jail for a couple days for allegedly...
They're only cuddling to protect each other from the Devil Women.

Dudes Who Wait Until Marriage Bad At Boning, Probably Gay, Says Science

Hey-o, my fellow Christian bro-mies, what are YOU doing? Just staying abstinent until marriage, because you're pretty sure Jesus says no getting your dick wet until you're with whatever lady-wife you pick out at age 19, like a common...
Muy caliente!

Playboy Will Still Make Naked Ladies For You, But Only In Mexican

The other day, the world was shocked-but-not-really to find out that Playboy, the iconic magazine known mostly for hard-hitting journalism and the occasional picture of a booby, would be getting rid of the boobies entirely and going to a boner-free...
When did Tobias Fünke become a publishing consultant?

Playboy To Go Never-Nude In 2016. We’ll Be Grieving In Our Bunk

When we saw the headline "Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women" in our newsfeed Tuesday, we were pretty sure it had to be from one of those dollar-store imitations of The Onion, not the...
Somebody set up us the dong!

Is America Ready For This French Retro-Porn Sci-Fi Parody? Your Saturday Nerdout

The weekends are for rest, relaxation, and catching up on binge-watching The Walking Dead (yes, even Season 5). Oh, and maybe doing something about that mass of matter in the kitchen sink before it achieves self-awareness and launches Judgment...
Nope.

Baltimore Public Housing Maintenance Dudes Getting So Much Head, Bro

GRRRRR. So here is a new twist on "Fuck The Poors." How about ACTUALLY Fuck The Poors? Or at least force them to give you head, or other assorted sex favors, in exchange for maintenance work in public housing? Because...
RUN AWAY, ANNA!

Josh Duggar’s Penis Had A Accident On Another Porn Star

Everybody in the front row, cover yourselves with plastic, because we're about to Gallagher some more Duggar spooge your way. Remember how Josh Duggar had to go to the Fuck-No-More Bible Camp, after it was revealed that the porn...
HERE IS SOME SEX ADVICE, YOU GUYS.

Rush Limbaugh Mad Teenage Boys Don’t Put Out Like They Used To

Yesterday, Grandma Kaili told you Wonkers about a new CDC study that says Kids These Days are real fuckin' boring, in that they don't go under the bleachers at school and play sex games on each other, and they...
Science experiment.

Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America

  Last week we laughed and laughed at Rick Santorum, who really thinks Pope Francis needs to shut right up about climate science, because the pope, despite having studied chemistry, is not a scientist. Why focus on things like that,...

We’re Being Invaded By Reptilians! (Not Just Rick Scott!) Your Florida Roundup

It’s been a banner week for Florida Man, that marvelous, mystical creature that haunts our waking dreams and provides us with an endless supply of hilarity and rage. Let’s dive right in! We’ll begin with what is obviously the most...
Shoe, gourd, either way you're going to Hell!

In 1979 Sermon Against ‘Life Of Brian,’ Young Mike Huckabee Was Already One Biggus Dickus

Now that he's "running for president" again, very serious contender Mike Huckabee has to endure all sorts of embarrassments, like people quoting all the dumb things Mike Huckabee has ever said. It just comes with the territory -- the...
Apparently before he found the kiddie porn on his iPad, Mayor Lee was very excited about the Independence Day Jubilee.

North Las Vegas Mayor Is Not Familiar With His Kiddie Porn, No Siree

It's that age-old story. You open your iPad and the internet goblins have put a bunch of kiddie porn on it, so you freak out and call the cops, who are your friends, because you are the mayor of...
Shield your eyes!

Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?

Made you look. But here is an interesting thing that is coming back up, now that Jeb Bush is one of the Republicans likely to lose to Hillary Clinton in 2016. Did you know that, while Bush was governor...
Do it on your own time

Fired Baltimore City Employee Just Liked To Watch Porn All Day At Work, Is That Wrong?

Who among us doesn't occasionally spend a bit of our "work" day on non-work things? Baltimore City officials estimate the 39 hours an employee spent watching pornography on the job during a two-week period equated to about $1,166 in salary....
Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he's...