The FCC has announced a bold new socialist plan to provide wireless Internet all over America, for free! But it won’t have any pr0n, so Americans won’t actually use this free gift. Also, it will be hella slow, as it will be operated by wireless companies forced to do so, by the government, and in competition with the for-profit porn Internet wireless service, which will be super fast. [Silicon Valley Insider/Wall Street Journal]

Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip! Come along with us on Sonny’s magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison. MORE »

No, sickos, we are not going to reveal those photos on the front page of this FAMILY PUBLICATION. Instead we will show you a clip from Judge Alex Kozinski’s appearance on The Dating Game many moons ago, before he started amassing a collection of naughty pictures and viral videos that would shock all but the most seasoned readers of Mad magazine circa 1970. Sexy cow-lady photo after the jump. MORE »

Once upon a time a man kept a stash of comically dirty photos on his web site, and then he blamed it all on his son after people discovered they could access pubic-hair shaving instructionals and similarly “shocking” images from this site. Who is this magical dingus who produced the very worst excuse for hosting a porn stash since Mark Penn told his mom “I’m keeping that stack of Juggs for a friend”? Why, it is Chief Judge of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit and Reagan appointee Alex Kozinski, who happens to be presiding over an obscenity trial. MORE »

Sweet Japanese Jesus: “A Japanese civil servant was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites on his office computer over nine months, an official said Friday.” 780,000, divided by nine months, divided by 22 workdays in a month… carry the zero… he looked at four billion Internet pornography boobs a day, every day. [AP/Raw Story]

French “first lady” Carla Bruni made her living by being photographed partially or completely naked for 20 years, so nude photographs of the supermodel/singer are extremely rare. There are only 32,800 such images currently available for free on the Internets, which is why lonely old Englishmen are expected to bid up to £2,000 ($1 billion U.S.) for this old picture of Naked Carla Bruni, which also appears in the Telegraph article about the auction. Christie’s will next auction an exclusive image of “LOLcats” for £100 Zillion. [Telegraph]

Last Saturday, the Clark County, Nevada Republican party held its convention, and the biggest story was the keynote speaker who laughed at Obama for being abandoned by two (NON-WHITE) fathers. Ha ha, poor Hopey. Apparently, however, it was the Clark County officials who were doing the abandoning — of their morals. MORE »

*OUR BELOVED DISTRICT EMPLOYEES:* “Forty-one District workers have been fired or suspended after visiting pornographic websites on government computers.” Oops! Sorry if we had any role to play in this. [WTOP News]

Rudy’s new ad isn’t quite Mike Gravel-strange, but it is very terrible. Floridians, who get shat on yearly by devastating monster storms from the sea, enjoy few things more than doctored horror images of their crumbling houses and forsaken livelihoods. One of these few things, however, is when ’70s porn music soundtracks said horror images. Rudy really does have a death fetish, doesn’t he? [Rudy Giuliani]

Cocktober 2006 was a beautiful time; we remember it fondly, becoming misty-eyed and nostalgic whenever we are reminded of that better, simpler time when everyone was really interested in sexytime emails and porn. One of those times that makes us misty is right now, as we are told that Nancy Pelosi won’t help Florida law enforcement probe any deeper into whether or not our old friend Mark Foley committed any of a multitude of possible felonies. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement appealed to the Speaker herself to let them look at the backup tapes (tapes?) from Foley’s old computer, but Nancy said no. MORE »

I can’t tell which kid it was in the picture, but Mike Huckabee’s son John Mark — the one who didn’t kill the dog — might have had quite the porn stash while attending Ouachita Baptist University, from where he graduated in 2000. Totes hilare details from a witness, after the jump. MORE »