Tag Archives: porn

  masters of sects

Porn Band Videos Nekkid Bass Player On Westboro Baptist Church’s Lawn, Shocking No One

In a fortuitous conjunction of publicity whores, Get Shot!, a California band billing itself as “the sleaziest punk band in the world,” has shot a two-minute video of its bass player lying on a blanket and masturbating on the lawn of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas — the “God Hates Fags/America/Puppies” loonies. Internet reaction appears to span the entire range from “ha-ha” to “meh.” Someone, somewhere was probably shocked, although the allegation has yet to be proved. Read more on Porn Band Videos Nekkid Bass Player On Westboro Baptist Church’s Lawn, Shocking No One…
  don't stand so close to close to me

Sydney Leathers’ New Boobs Bounce Importantly Into Anthony Weiner’s Concession Speech

While we are all very busy remembering to never forget, let us take just a moment for A Very Important Think Piece on Sydney Leather’s new boobs and their appearance at Anthony Weiner’s NYC mayoral concession speech. (He lost big time.) Cause oh yeah, she got some, and boy, they are not real and we are not so sure they are spectacular, but we will stay tuned for whatever porn she says she is definitely not doing, for which she used (we are sure) some guy’s money to buy them. To flash around. At a concession speech. Like a lady. Read more on Sydney Leathers’ New Boobs Bounce Importantly Into Anthony Weiner’s Concession Speech…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth

Welcome to another edition of our Derp Roundup, that collection of virtual floor sweepings that are too stoopid to completely ignore but not worth a full-length post. To start with, let’s give an Excellence In Trolling medal to the sometimes-funny Andy Borowitz, whose New Yorker piece this week was characteristically meh, but managed to fool a few people, including Stupidest Guest Blogger On the Internet Mara Zebest, over at Gateway Pundit, whose impassioned overreaction — “Obama is a thin-skinned man-child and the laughing stock of the world” — doesn’t really depend on the veracity of the source material anyway. After commenters pointed out that Borowitz is satire — and a commenter whined about Obama being elected by “low information voters who get their info from Hollywood and comedians” — Zebest pulled the article, but it’s preserved by the magic of Google cache. Thanks, internet! Wonkette wishes a speedy recovery to Jim Hoft, and is exploring the possibility of asking Andy Borowitz to run a story about the $3150 that Gateway Pundit owes us. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth…
  better than poor old octomom

Sydney Leathers Is Your Newest Octomom, With The Pornos, And The Sad

Aww yeah — Anthony Weiner’s delightfully zaftig, beach flopping, tatted-up phone-sexting partner Sydney Leathers has gone and made herself a porno! And what pray-tell is the gal who declared that dear old Carlos Danger is “too busy jacking off to be mayor” doing in said video? Why jacking off of course! And just how many ways can we say ‘saw that coming’ har-har? Yes, Sydney’s solo-porn is already done and up on Vivid’s website, ready for your pay-per-perusal. We do not know how much money she was paid yet, so we aren’t sure how appalled we are — but hey, you know, good for you Syd — what 23-year-old doesn’t dream of becoming one of 6 to 10 girls sexted at by an ex-congressman about her big old feet, boobs and butt? And then getting appropriate representation so that you may profit from said dalliances? Well done, Sydney Leathers, well done. Really makes Fawn Hall and Donna Rice look silly with their “No Excuses” jeans, and do NOT get us started with those purses Monica did. Read more on Sydney Leathers Is Your Newest Octomom, With The Pornos, And The Sad…
  no really the internet is for porn really

Hero Lawsuit Dude Will Stop Apple From Ramming Porn Down Your Throat

Ahem. We were under the impression that we had addressed the key purpose of the internet last week, when we told you what you already know: the internet is for porn. Apparently there is one dude who lives in Tennessee who believes that the internet is for other stuff AND that Apple should have protected him from all the sweet delicious porn he ended up consuming: Read more on Hero Lawsuit Dude Will Stop Apple From Ramming Porn Down Your Throat…
  being evil is the new not being evil

Google Breaks Hearts Of Liberals By Eating Champion Climate Change Denier Jim Inhofe For Lunch Today

Oh, Google. Masters of our fate, keepers of our email, facilitators of our sexytime midday work chatting. We like you. We really really like you. We might gay marry you for, say, 1% of your stock. But we’re kinda not down with you helping climate deniers like treacherous windbag Jim Inhofe get cold hard cash money love: Read more on Google Breaks Hearts Of Liberals By Eating Champion Climate Change Denier Jim Inhofe For Lunch Today…
  big johnsons

New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson

The Michigan Democratic Party elected Lon Johnson as their new chairman Saturday. But you should know that Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is not the Lon Johnson who, in addition to starring in over 1300 adult films, operates the Lon Johnson School of Acting. They are two different guys. You can tell them apart because porn Lon Johnson looks like Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher, while Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson has that weird Eddie Munster thing going on with the front of his hair, like Paul Ryan. Also, instead of appearing in such notable works of erotic cinema as “Gang Bang The Drum Slowly” and the chilling dystopian fantasy “Nineteen Eighty Porn,” Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson runs a venture capital firm and is married to Obama deputy campaign director/scourge of your email inbox Julianna Smoot. The non-porn Johnson has big plans for the Democrats. For instance, he wants to “[b]uild a new party executive structure so that we can better support our historical allies, while also starting new conversations with emerging Democratic…” OH MY GOD, Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is so boring. Let’s learn more about porn Lon Johnson and his “Johnson Technique.” Porn makes us larf. Read more on New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson…
  blowvember

New York D.A. Busted Starring In Nudie Lewdie Dix Flix

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate but equally important groups: the cops who investigate crimes, and the district attorneys who star in Deep Throat Part II: The Bonening. A district attorney in upstate New York has admitted that he acted in pornographic movies in the 1970s then lied when questioned about it during his second campaign. Mark Suben, the DA in Cortland County near Syracuse since 2008, held a news conference Friday to say he had lied about his past in the days before this year’s election. “Recently materials have been circulated alleging that I was involved in the adult film industry about 40 years ago in New York. Those allegations are true,” he said. “I was an actor in adult films for a short period in the early 70s. I was also an actor in other venues including off Broadway, soap operas and commercial advertisements.” Read more on New York D.A. Busted Starring In Nudie Lewdie Dix Flix…
  that's no lady that's my wife

What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?

Never let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it’s Allen West and he’s writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well … here, let us read together Allen West’s sexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged. Read more on What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?…
  we heard she has an interracial child too!

Film Sent To Over A Million Voters Explores Pressing Policy Question Of Whether Obama’s Mom Was A Slut

Good news everyone! The Right has come to its senses and realized the most pressing question about Obama is not “where is the birth certificate?” (DUH) it’s actually “was Obama’s father the left wing poet and activist Frank Marshall Davis?” and! “did Davis take nudie pics of Obama’s mom that later appeared in Bizarre Life Magazine?” Read more on Film Sent To Over A Million Voters Explores Pressing Policy Question Of Whether Obama’s Mom Was A Slut…
  literary spats

American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller

If you ever want to weep bitter tears for the death of American good taste, just purchase a coach class domestic airline ticket and take a little trip across Real America. You will discover that literally dozens of your fellow airline passengers are openly reading 50 Shades Of Grey or its offshoots, a terribly written series of ostensibly erotic pamphlets that extol the virtues of S&M and straightfacedly present the word “argh” as an expression of erotic pleasure. These books originated as Twilight fan fiction but then had even that pleasure stripped from them before being published and becoming inexplicable worldwide best-sellers. But now, at least according to Amazon’s inscrutable book-ranking metrics, there’s a new timeless tale that Americans want to hear about: Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face by a bunch of Navy SEALs. Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex? Read more on American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller…
  orgazmo

Ron Jeremy Wants A Threesome With Romney And Obama, For Civility

How low has American political discourse sunk? Well, if a prominent human choses to say something nice about a person running for president, even if that something nice is about something totally unrelated to politics, and even if that human is prominent mostly for putting his wang inside a bunch of ladies, and also occasionally his own mouth, on film, then people are surprised that you might not agree with him politically! Why would you praise some quality of the person running against the person you are going to vote for, what if they accidentally win and it’s your fault, because you weren’t mean to them constantly? Anyway, point is, Ron Jeremy should really think hard about praising Mitt Romney’s parenting skills in bland, generaly terms, because President Romney will ban all pornography forever and Ron Jeremy will be unemployed. Read more on Ron Jeremy Wants A Threesome With Romney And Obama, For Civility… Read more on Ron Jeremy Wants A Threesome With Romney And Obama, For Civility…
  only trying to help

Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn

“What do you suppose are the chances,” wonders Townhall columnist Mona Charen, that the Cartagena Dozen or whatever, like and watch porn? It’s very important that we talk about this, says Ms. Charen, because if we can just know this one thing, maybe it explains everything, and if we can stop porn, maybe we can stop men from going down south and “damag[ing] their marriages and the lives of their children by engaging prostitutes.” Engaging prostitutes! What a turn of phrase. Charen then answers her own question: the chances are “100 percent,” and so now we know what we must do, with this hard science in our grasp. Turn off the Internet. Take a woman’s hand (as long as she is not a prostitute) and talk to her. Read more on Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn…
  dear penthouse forum

Rick Santorum Now Coming for Your Porn

It seems that Rick Santorum has found time in his busy schedule of condemning “radical” women for working outside the home and using birth control, and nagging English-speaking Puerto Ricans to speak English, and now is turning his hot, penetrating gaze to manfolk-bizness. Yup. Ol’ Smegma Lips is now coming for your porn. Read more on Rick Santorum Now Coming for Your Porn…
  liveblogging auditions

Liveblogging (?) Obama’s Latest Afghanistan Plan Speech Thing

Remember when Barack Obama was all, “And I will stop having all these wars everywhere”? No? Lately, people have been telling us that he never said anything of the sort, which is kind of funny, haha, because we all believed that was his intention, right? We don’t have five whole minutes to go read Wikipedia about it, but now that Obama has been president for almost twelve years three years, we do sort of remember that he just used to go around and smirk thoughtfully at Hillary and say “Iraq is a dumb war.” But he didn’t really say he would end wars, and really all wars are dumb, except for the defense contractors and the oil companies and hedge funds that get to go “privatize” everything when the war is over, in five-thousand years. WARBLOGGIN’ TIME. Read more on Liveblogging (?) Obama’s Latest Afghanistan Plan Speech Thing…
  rare link between politics and porn

Gal Who Interned For Hillary Clinton’s Office Is Now Doing Pornos

America’s political paper of record, TMZ.com, has yet another hot new blog story about how somebody tangentially involved in politics also has naked pictures on the Internet. If you’re a fan of low-end Web porn, you will certainly be excited about this gal, who once worked as an intern in Hillary Clinton’s field office in Buffalo! Read more on Gal Who Interned For Hillary Clinton’s Office Is Now Doing Pornos…
  the best recommendation of the koran

Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden’s Inevitable Porn Stash

Hmm, Osama bin Laden was 1) a male who 2) sat around his house all day. Whatever could he have been up to? Oh, just THE most covert masturbation sessions in all of human history. That’s right—there was a porn stash in bin Laden’s compound. It was “extensive.” Oh no! Why did we heathen Americans have to make sexual intercourse so alluring to bin Ladne’s body? Now he’ll never get into heaven. He was so close to getting into heaven! “The pornography recovered in bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video.” He had video equipment and liked porn; there is hope for an Osama bin Laden sextape after all! (Maybe it’s that one John Edwards made?) Read more on Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden’s Inevitable Porn Stash…
  so you can get porn on the internet now?

Marriott Taking Away Old Men’s Porn Pay-Per-View

For business travelers and defense contractors of a certain age, the only real reward at the end of another crushing day of airport security and ulcer-causing plates of casual-dining-chain fat globules and the constant fear of getting fired is the pay-per-view porn on the hotel teevee. But various Christian wingnut groups who should mind their own goddamned business have been pressuring Marriott for years to end its profitable porn business. And now that pretty much everybody but the oldest, most confused business traveler has figured out how to watch pornos on the internets, Marriott is “giving in” to the wingnuts and phasing out the in-room adult video-teevee stuff. Read more on Marriott Taking Away Old Men’s Porn Pay-Per-View…
  party puffins

NSA Building Million-Square-Foot Facility To Look At Your Por

The National Security Administration is building a $1.2 billion data center in Utah that will span a million square feet, and will be the largest Department of Defense war-building building in the country. By comparison, the Pentagon is 6.5 million square feet. Do these people realize you don’t really need much physical space to go on the Internet, because it is a magical land that defies time and space? Apparently not. Apparently, in order to uphold “cyber security” against the combined forced of five guys with a Playstation 2 and some spotty dial-up AOL in a cave somewhere, they need an Internet powerhouse the size of ten thousand caves. (And then they will catalog what kind of porn each and every person in the world likes, of course.) Read more on NSA Building Million-Square-Foot Facility To Look At Your Por…
  the dean of house boners

Here Is John Conyers On An Airplane Fapping To Playboy Magazine

Thanksgiving is an annual holiday of touching people’s genitals to celebrate the miracle of flight, so here’s a video that’s emerged of Rep. John Conyers of Detroit looking at a copy of Playboy on an airplane. And through the power of journalism, we know what pages the Judiciary Committee chairman cross-examined. Read more on Here Is John Conyers On An Airplane Fapping To Playboy Magazine…
  beyond the gate of experience flows the Way

Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge

Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of touch with the Dao, has finally indicted Greene for this simple act. Do the people of South Carolina realize that what Alvin Greene had on his computer is the most pivotal experience of our existence? Read more on Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge…