Tag Archives: porn

  Jump in the pool -- the santorum's fine!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!
Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary: Read more on Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!…
  Sexxxy Nice Time

Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!

What a thrilled zookeeper that must be, peeping in the background!
Move over, all you other panda dudes who think you’re hot shit or something. This Chinese panda bear studmuffin has set a whole new sex record that will leave you feeling downright flaccid and Not Good Enough. His name is Lu Lu, and all the panda ladies and the gay panda bois can’t stop talking about him because, according to the Daily Mail, he fucked this one panda, name of Zhen Zhen, for seven minutes and forty-five seconds, which is a very long time for panda sex! Read more on Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!…
  nsfw

Wingnut OUTRAGED Obama Gave Interview To Noted Gay Porn Site ‘Huffington Post’

  Big news: President Obama finally did an interview for a gay porn website! Which one, you might be wondering? Fratmen? No, silly, Barack Obama isn’t a fratman, he is the president! Broke Straight Boys? Wrong again, Obama has enough money already. Cocky Boys? We would have seen that already … ahem. No, it is Huffington Post, the gay porn site Arianna Huffington made! Read more on Wingnut OUTRAGED Obama Gave Interview To Noted Gay Porn Site ‘Huffington Post’…
  on fire for the Lord

Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus

We were just saying that we wanted to find a Funny to write about for Friday afternoon, and HERE is a funny for you. Actually, it is not all funny, because the owners of the Hollywood Nights porn shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan, lost everything when a local “hair designer” (we guess that is one step above “hair decorator”) named Mitchell Hapner grabbed an ax and did the Lord’s Work of burning a sexxx store to the ground. Local Michigan news source WOOD-TV (ha ha ha ha ha) reports: Read more on Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus…
  He's going to fix your cable all right

GOP Congressjerk To Government Workers: Stop Fapping On The Taxpayers’ Dime!

That's the congressman on the left
Republican Rep. Mark Meadows of North Carolina is a guy with NO sense of fun at all. He’s got a real hard-on for this bill he keeps introducing — the Eliminating Pornography From Agencies Act — which, strangely, Congress isn’t in much of a hurry to even vote on, HMMMM. Read more on GOP Congressjerk To Government Workers: Stop Fapping On The Taxpayers’ Dime!…
  Dicktember Surprise

New York Pol: Hackers Made Me Follow That Porn Star On Twitter! HACKERS!!!

We were in a hurry, but you can still photoshop the sex toy of your choice in there.
Here’s a Dicktember item for your Likely Explanations bin: A county official in New York knows exactly why he’s “following” a porn star on his Twitter account: He was hacked! Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone, a Democrat, explained to the New York Post that nefarious hacker activity was the only possible reason his Twitter account shows him following porn actress Belle Knox’s twitter stream (link NSFW if you look around for a while. Message: we care). Read more on New York Pol: Hackers Made Me Follow That Porn Star On Twitter! HACKERS!!!…
  The First Amendment Will Be In its Bunk

British Nanny State In Spot Of Bother At Freak Mustachio-Ride Skinflick Demises

Didn't they send all the Puritans over here?
British porn fans are about to see some changes in the material available for their wanking pleasure — or at least in the domestically produced stuff. Last year, the Conservative government banned rape porn — not in-real-life rape, which is of course evil and already illegal, but the pretend fantasy kind, involving well-paid consenting actors, which some people are into, we have been told. Now, under the guise of making porn safer for those involved in the business, the government arbitrarily banned a whole slew of sex acts (and this is where we probably should remind you that this article will name some of them, but not include any illustrations, so depending on where you W, what follows may be NSF that place). Read more on British Nanny State In Spot Of Bother At Freak Mustachio-Ride Skinflick Demises…
  Conduct Unbecoming To A Human Being

Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron

True fact: The Anchorage Press's filename for this photo is 'assface_lawendowski.jpg'
Wonkette would like to give a hearty welcome to Lt. Col. Joseph R. Lawendowski, our daily (hourly?) “He seems nice” contestant. Lt. Col. Lawendowski is a rough tough military man and the Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations and Training of the Alaska National Guard. Please note the use of present tense there, which is rather surprising, given that military investigators submitted a confidential report (an “AR 15-6” in military terms, not to be mistaken for the similarly named semiautomatic rifle) back in March and leaked to the Anchorage Press. Read more on Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron…
  environmental porn agency

EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash

Does your job blow? Do you ever fantasize about just kicking back and watching porn all day, but wish you could still pull down a nice six-figure salary? Yeah, us too, so click on those goddam ads swirling around, ok? (Note: do not actually click on those ads unless they are things in which you are interested, or that is “click fraud.” DO NOT go to click-fraud jail!) Our other option would be to work for the Environmental Protection Agency, per HuffPo: An employee at the Environmental Protection Agency allegedly downloaded over 7,000 files of pornography on a government computer and watched them two to six hours per day, the agency’s investigative unit revealed Wednesday. First off, holy shit that is a lot of porn-watching! But could it have been work-related porn? Is the EPA seeking to give grants to environmentally friendly porn producers? Maybe there were lessons at the end of them, like “Tell corporate polluters to stop treating the world’s oceans like a woman’s face. No ejaculating onto the world’s oceans!” We’d support our tax dollars going to that. Let’s sexsplore.  Read more on EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash…
  You'll Go Blind But The Planet Will Thank You

Pornhub About To Provide An Even Greater Public Service Than It Already Is

Used to be a man (or a lady!) could watch some tentacle porn in peace, not having to worry about how it might affect the planet at large. But now, thanks to the hippies at Pornhub, we’re all expected to act locally and wank globally. Pornhub, a website that is exactly what it says it is, has announced an exciting Arbor Day initiative that will transform your base, sinful urges into pure, sweet oxygen. According to the (SFW) website for Pornhub’s campaign, in the week following Arbor Day on April 25, Pornhub is donating one tree for every 100 videos watched in its “big dick” category. “While you’re watching some nice pieces of ash, you’ll also be helping spruce America up! (Bushes are optional),” the website says. Oh ho ho, Pornhub, with your saucy sense of humor! Still though, trees, wood, engorged sexual organs, we get the connection here, very clever Pornhub. Read more on Pornhub About To Provide An Even Greater Public Service Than It Already Is…
  spank bank

Porn Performers: Chase Bank Does Not Want Your Jizzed-On Money, Nosiree

You will probably not be surprised to learn that here at yr Wonkette we think that porn is a totally respectable way to earn a living, presuming, of course, that consent and equal power and equity and yadda yadda exist. Point is, we don’t discriminate about how you pay the bills. Chase Bank, on the other hand, is pretty certain they don’t want your filthy money if you ever made it doing sexytime, as Chase has sent letters to hundreds of porn performers telling them that they’ll close their bank account in May. Read more on Porn Performers: Chase Bank Does Not Want Your Jizzed-On Money, Nosiree…
  the closest exit may be behind you

US Airways’ Tweet Of Airplane In A Ladygarden Overshadows Pulitzers, Because America Has Priorities

The Pulitzer Prizes were announced Monday afternoon, with top honors going to The Guardian and The Washington Post for their coverage of the Edward Snowden NSA revelations. That news was largely lost on users of Twitter, however, as they all were looking at pictures of a model airplane with its cockpit inserted into a lady’s boarding gate that was accidentally tweeted by U.S. Airways’ corporate account. Instead of finding out about how the Post and the Guardian blew the lid off the National Security Agency’s far-reaching domestic surveillance program, most Twitter users were instead grabbing screencaps of the bizarre image, which stayed on the airline’s Twitter page for nearly an hour. To protect your continued employment, we have covered up the tweet with an appropriate censorship item; the full, very NSFW image is at Deadspin (NSFW) and all over the freaking place. Pretty sure that someone has lost their corporate social-media job over this one; we’d just like to say that while we may not be able to match an airline’s pay scale, they’re welcome to share their portfolio at Wonkette. Read more on US Airways’ Tweet Of Airplane In A Ladygarden Overshadows Pulitzers, Because America Has Priorities…
  media circus

What Is Nancy Grace Being A Douche About Today?

Perhaps when you first saw the terrible evidence piling up against Oscar Pistorius in the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, you were saddened by the emotional abuse. Or maybe it was because she seemed wonderful: strong and nice and feministy and awesome. Of course, if you’re Nancy Grace, the important thing was Pistorius liked porn. Read more on What Is Nancy Grace Being A Douche About Today?…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  dumbfuck dynasty

Nashville ‘Church Member’ Sues A&E And Barack Obama For Being So Mean To Duck Dynasty Star

A Nashville guy who claims he’s a member of Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson’s church is suing A&E Network for its suspension of Robertson. Chris Sevier claims that the private company’s personnel decision will have a chilling effect on decent Christian weirdos like himself, inhibiting them from preaching damnation for the gheys. For good measure, the lawsuit also names President Obama, because obviously he tells cable teevee networks what to do. This is just logic. Chris Sevier pretty much lives for stupid lawsuits; he’s the goofball who tried to sue Apple because it brought porn onto his computer. This new lawsuit is already every bit as successful as that one, since it’s gotten Chris Sevier’s name on the interwebs. He would also like you to know that he has a band. Guy’s a regular Buckaroo Banzai. Read more on Nashville ‘Church Member’ Sues A&E And Barack Obama For Being So Mean To Duck Dynasty Star…
  say no more!

PornGhaziGate! Guy What Photographed Naked Ladies Also Took Pictures Of Barack Obama This One Time

For your Blowvember consideration, this shocking headline from Brent Bozell’s CNSNews.com: Obama Had Senate-Office ‘Portrait Session’ With Pornographer. OMG! Finally, the Obama gay porn scandal we’ve been waiting for! The breathless lede does everything it can to suggest that something scary has to be hiding behind those quotation marks: On June 20, 2007, then-Sen. Barack Obama (D.-Ill.), who was seeking the Democratic presidential nomination at the time, hosted a “portrait session” in his U.S. Senate office where he posed for and with Terry Richardson, a man already well-known, as the flyleaf of a coffee-table collection of his work put it, as the photographer who “took 1970s porn esthetic and made it fashion chic.” He posed for and with a guy who took naked-lady pictures, which pretty much makes Barack Obama a naked lady himself! So! What sort of wild ghey carousing happened during this “portrait session,” eh? Photography, eh? Candid photography, nudge-nudge-wink-wink? In Obama’s Senate office — probably with the doors closed, too! And in fact, as the two covers above indicate, Richardson the pornographer took portraits of Obama, which maybe kind of makes those scare quotes “unnecessary,” what with there not being anything to “euphemize.” And what is it with wingnuts and punctuation this week, anyway? Read more on PornGhaziGate! Guy What Photographed Naked Ladies Also Took Pictures Of Barack Obama This One Time…
  masters of sects

Porn Band Videos Nekkid Bass Player On Westboro Baptist Church’s Lawn, Shocking No One

In a fortuitous conjunction of publicity whores, Get Shot!, a California band billing itself as “the sleaziest punk band in the world,” has shot a two-minute video of its bass player lying on a blanket and masturbating on the lawn of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas — the “God Hates Fags/America/Puppies” loonies. Internet reaction appears to span the entire range from “ha-ha” to “meh.” Someone, somewhere was probably shocked, although the allegation has yet to be proved. Read more on Porn Band Videos Nekkid Bass Player On Westboro Baptist Church’s Lawn, Shocking No One…
  don't stand so close to close to me

Sydney Leathers’ New Boobs Bounce Importantly Into Anthony Weiner’s Concession Speech

While we are all very busy remembering to never forget, let us take just a moment for A Very Important Think Piece on Sydney Leather’s new boobs and their appearance at Anthony Weiner’s NYC mayoral concession speech. (He lost big time.) Cause oh yeah, she got some, and boy, they are not real and we are not so sure they are spectacular, but we will stay tuned for whatever porn she says she is definitely not doing, for which she used (we are sure) some guy’s money to buy them. To flash around. At a concession speech. Like a lady. Read more on Sydney Leathers’ New Boobs Bounce Importantly Into Anthony Weiner’s Concession Speech…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth

Welcome to another edition of our Derp Roundup, that collection of virtual floor sweepings that are too stoopid to completely ignore but not worth a full-length post. To start with, let’s give an Excellence In Trolling medal to the sometimes-funny Andy Borowitz, whose New Yorker piece this week was characteristically meh, but managed to fool a few people, including Stupidest Guest Blogger On the Internet Mara Zebest, over at Gateway Pundit, whose impassioned overreaction — “Obama is a thin-skinned man-child and the laughing stock of the world” — doesn’t really depend on the veracity of the source material anyway. After commenters pointed out that Borowitz is satire — and a commenter whined about Obama being elected by “low information voters who get their info from Hollywood and comedians” — Zebest pulled the article, but it’s preserved by the magic of Google cache. Thanks, internet! Wonkette wishes a speedy recovery to Jim Hoft, and is exploring the possibility of asking Andy Borowitz to run a story about the $3150 that Gateway Pundit owes us. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth…
  better than poor old octomom

Sydney Leathers Is Your Newest Octomom, With The Pornos, And The Sad

Aww yeah — Anthony Weiner’s delightfully zaftig, beach flopping, tatted-up phone-sexting partner Sydney Leathers has gone and made herself a porno! And what pray-tell is the gal who declared that dear old Carlos Danger is “too busy jacking off to be mayor” doing in said video? Why jacking off of course! And just how many ways can we say ‘saw that coming’ har-har? Yes, Sydney’s solo-porn is already done and up on Vivid’s website, ready for your pay-per-perusal. We do not know how much money she was paid yet, so we aren’t sure how appalled we are — but hey, you know, good for you Syd — what 23-year-old doesn’t dream of becoming one of 6 to 10 girls sexted at by an ex-congressman about her big old feet, boobs and butt? And then getting appropriate representation so that you may profit from said dalliances? Well done, Sydney Leathers, well done. Really makes Fawn Hall and Donna Rice look silly with their “No Excuses” jeans, and do NOT get us started with those purses Monica did. Read more on Sydney Leathers Is Your Newest Octomom, With The Pornos, And The Sad…
  no really the internet is for porn really

Hero Lawsuit Dude Will Stop Apple From Ramming Porn Down Your Throat

Ahem. We were under the impression that we had addressed the key purpose of the internet last week, when we told you what you already know: the internet is for porn. Apparently there is one dude who lives in Tennessee who believes that the internet is for other stuff AND that Apple should have protected him from all the sweet delicious porn he ended up consuming: Read more on Hero Lawsuit Dude Will Stop Apple From Ramming Porn Down Your Throat…