It’s no secret that certain earthly beings harbor no love for the current Pope, a self-made Prada-clad dandy with a troubled past of torturing Luke Skywalker with his laser-beam hands. But apparently not even the Pope’s own guardian angel likes him very much, because it let him break his wrist a few weeks ago. MORE »

Monstrous wingnut Joseph Ratzinger somehow became pope a few years ago — this is because of ancient Catholic-Sith rules dictating that each “good pope” must be followed by a “loathsome beast.” But Ratzi is unique even among the Sith Popes, for he is the first Bishop of Rome to be an actual Nazi, for Hitler, in Nazi Germany. Jesus, talk about your breaking of historical barriers …. Obama’s got nothing on this creep! Anyway, Ratzinger comically lived up to expectations by supporting actual Holocaust-denying fellow wingnut bishops, and now he’s in Israel kissing ass, but luckily nobody believes his evil horseshit. MORE »

In this Wall Street Journal boring article about how Europeans sure love cigarettes yadda yadda, we were intrigued by this paragraph calling Nazi Pope Joe “the Plumber” Ratzinger a known smoker! Is this some hilarious WSJ New Year’s joke? Because there is no evidence we can locate, outside of some obviously photoshopped images of Ratzi in a cloud of cancer, to suggest our crappiest pope indulges in this particular variety of sucking on cylindrical objects. MORE »

The Pope is allegedly landing right now—if God is on his side, at least, and if they are not lying to us. (Or maybe God wants to kill him on American soil! God is A CRAZY, DANGEROUS BASTARD. Sort of like a Vietnam Vet with Asperger’s on the glue.) The President is welcoming the Pope at Andrews Air Force Base. Pope Ratzi will be sleeping tonight at 3339 Massachusetts Ave. NW, so maybe don’t go trolling for gay sex up by Cheney’s house tonight. D.C. will now be a mess until Friday, when the Popester goes on up to further clog New York. Just in case you should meet him, in his funny little costume, maybe you’d like to know about his religion?

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CATHOLICS TO TAKE RADICAL STANCE AGAINST SEX WITH CHILDREN Brave Pope Ratzi spoke out today on his plane ride to our America: “Pope Benedict XVI said on Tuesday that following the Roman Catholic Church’s child sexual abuse scandals in the United States, the church is reviewing candidates for the priesthood with the objective of excluding those with a tendency to molest children.” The Pope will land this afternoon in Maryland, around the time school lets out. [New York Times]