Current pope “Adolf Hitler” was raped by a spider today. Look at that lil’ guy, walkin’ and spider-poopin’ all over Il Popo. Kathryn Jean Lopez is not going to like this one iota. (For some reason we assumed this was a political video, what with the subject of this website and all, “politics.”) [Rumproast]

It’s no secret that certain earthly beings harbor no love for the current Pope, a self-made Prada-clad dandy with a troubled past of torturing Luke Skywalker with his laser-beam hands. But apparently not even the Pope’s own guardian angel likes him very much, because it let him break his wrist a few weeks ago. MORE »

What enemy of America is Nobama meeting now? Oh, just former Nazi Youth and New World Order socialist Joseph Ratzinger, Italy’s latest “bad pope.” How lousy is this pope? He even let Chicago Muslin lady Michelle Obama inside His boys-only clubhouse! [CBC]

Rudy Giuliani has well-known problems reconciling his Catholic faith with his favorite hobbies: destroying fetuses, living with terrible homosexuals and cavorting around town dressed as an old-fashioned gal. Yet he took High Mass when Pope Ratzi visited New York recently even though the Pope surely hates him. The Archbishop of New York is so upset with Rudy’s participation in this ancient pagan ritual that he has issued a statement condemning Giuliani, who was mayor of the city when planes crashed into two of its buildings. Read the “ha-ha funny” statement below. MORE »

Kind of a weird week in Condiland! She had to threaten her staff again, had an awkward moment with Madeleine Albright, and endured the embarrassment of standing idly by as the Pope got kissed by — ew! — Nancy Pelosi. And that was really kind of it! So let’s flesh things out the way real journalists do: by making things up! See the pictures and feel the magic, after the jump!

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Everyone’s favorite racist presidential candidate from Colorado, Rep. Tom Tancredo, is responding to the Pope’s Tour d’America by… well how is he responding? Let’s do the math: Tom Tancredo’s only issue is illegal Mexicans; illegal Mexicans are Catholic; Catholics perform Pope’s bidding… The Pope’s bidding is telling the Mexicans to enter the United States. Tom Tancredo hates the Pope! [Denver Post]

The end. [Reuters]

The New York Times is pretty much on a “Pope Roll” today, and here’s the latest hilarious proof that should be in your NYT newspaper, if you are old and subscribe to the paper version. Here’s not-so-beloved Pope Joseph “Benedict XVI” Ratzinger, speaking to an overflow crowd of many thousands of “Victims of Sexual Abuse” at Nationals Park here in Washington. MORE »

What is this crap, you ask? Well, as of 8:53 p.m., the New York Times‘ article about Pope Ratzi — the lead story on their website right now — currently says “END” on page three, and is followed by several pages of the reporter’s notes and drafts. Too bad this never happened with any of Judy Miller’s articles. Stupid Pope! [NYT]

The leader of America’s religion, Christianity, finally arrived in America today! The president and his wife and their daughter, Jenna, rushed down to the airport to say howdy. The pope held Jenna’s hand and cackled, in German, “You’re very pretty, for a girl.” MORE »

The White House is throwing a big fancy special Pope dinner on Wednesday, complete with German Pope food and German birthday cake for “Benedict XVI,” who turns 81 years old that night. But vindictive old pope Joseph Ratzinger refuses to show up, even though he’ll be a few blocks away in Washington that very evening! MORE »