Tag Archives: pope

  He even got the t-shirt

Pope Agrees That Obviously Evil Fracking Is Obviously Evil

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
Are you looking for another reason to love Pope Francis? Of course you are. A few days ago, he turned the Sistine Chapel into some kind of a titty-sucking Peaches song, like a baller. Not long after, video emerged of the Pope straight up flipping the bird to our old friend Colorado wingnut state senator and fracking enthusiast Randy Baumgardner, and by that we mean speaking out against fracking. Read more on Pope Agrees That Obviously Evil Fracking Is Obviously Evil…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  We Completely Left Out Odin Again

2014: The Year In God-Bothering

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
God had another big year in 2014, especially right near the end, when His Servant on Earth, Bill O’Reilly, finally declared victory in the War on Christmas. So we can look forward to a 2015 that’s free of that particular topic, we bet. Even so, it would appear that there are still a few areas of American life where religion has caused a wee bit of a ruckus. Like, let’s say, the courts, where the Supremes declared that the Hobby Lobby corporation’s sincerely held religious beliefs can exempt them from following laws they don’t like. Not that there’s going to be any weird fallout from that decision, like people suing for the right to ignore child labor laws because God says it’s OK. Read more on 2014: The Year In God-Bothering…
  love your fellow man unless he sucks

Peggy Noonan Wishes Barack Obama Could Be A Dead Pope

She had begun to feel stultified and dull, cooped up in New York. Her favorite saloons, those places where she could pop in any time of the day or night for a nip of sherry or a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, had begun to feel soiled and low-rent, populated with goatee-sporting, noodle-armed young men wearing skinny jeans, out for an exciting night of slumming at dive bars across the City. Her last few columns for the Wall Street Journal, that mastubatorium for the wealthy, had been stunningly, remarkably sane and coherent. She needed a change of scenery, a shot in the arm for her important work of typing lies that rich people could read on the car ride to their mahogany-empaneled offices in the morning. So she turned her eyes to Rome, to the canonization of a pope. Two popes, really, but one of them had dared attempt to liberalize her church, to try to drag it, if not into the twentieth century, at least in the century’s general vicinity. She was more concerned with another pope, a man she had known during her years working in the White House under Saint Ronnie of Santa Barbara. That first pope? Fuck him. Read more on Peggy Noonan Wishes Barack Obama Could Be A Dead Pope…
  House GOP to hold vote on repealing pope in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills

Okay, it is official: We looooooooove this new pope so much, we want to gay-marry him and have all his abortions: Pope Francis, in the first extensive interview of his six-month-old papacy, said that the Roman Catholic church had grown “obsessed” with preaching about abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he has chosen not to speak of those issues despite recriminations from some critics. “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time […] The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. “We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.” WHAT?!?! Lecturing sluts about how their vaginas are destroying our freedoms and The Gays are making Jesus cry with their gay is not the sole purpose of the church? We would be shocked — shocked! — if we were not too busy drawing hearts with “Wonkette & Pope FOREVAH!” on our notebooks because WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE. Read more on Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills…
  bring them your tired poor huddled masses

Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again

Oh. My. God. Libruls are TEH WORST! Damn hippies always seeking to create policy that benefits ‘the poors,’ when we all know that John Calvin, Wordy Shipmates, Shining City on a Hill, America, fuck yeah. Who are the heretics today who seek to desecrate the foundational principles of Jesus’s Capitalist Emporium for Jesus? None other than Senators Elizabeth Warren (D-Heart Flutters) and Ed Markey (D-New Guy). Per Daily Kos: Since Congress isn’t going to pass sane policy like an increased minimum wage and sick leave anytime soon, it’s up to the blue states and cities to do it. Next up, we hope: Massachusetts, where a coalition has formed to get these measures on the 2014 ballot. The lead petitioners’ names will be familiar: Sen. Elizabeth Warren for the minimum wage, and Sen. Ed Markey for earned sick time. While this might make New Pope happy, it will certainly anger the True Flock, who know that wealth is a sign that God loves you, which is why Jesus had a net worth of old sandals, some pieces of lumber, and some gently used nails.  Read more on Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again…
  nice time!

Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors

New Pope is making us happy again, Wonkeroos. He’s on a trip to Brazil where he is doing awesome New Popey things like riding in an open-air vehicle to be closer to the people, and actually walking into people’s homes to give them high-fives and stuff. The guy is goddam fucking just plain awesome.* And what makes our librul bleeding hearts become moar bleedier is when he says stuff like this, from WaPo: In his remarks in Varginha [Brazil], the pope criticized the “culture of selfishness and individualism,” spoke of how the wealthy need to do more to end social injustice and told residents to “never yield to discouragement” because of corruption. Ah, yes – calling on the wealthy to do more to end social injustice. As citizens of the wealthiest country on earth, we are super-excited to see what U.S. politicians and Catholic Churches do in the wake of this kind of conversation!  Read more on Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors…
  vatican doo-rag

New Pope Blesses Bikers & Anti-Abortion Activists In Well-Thought-Out Combo Mass

Sometimes we think New Pope is just trolling us. Like this weekend, when Pope Frankie folded a blessing of Harley Davidson enthusiasts — it’s the company’s 110th anniversary — into a Vatican mass commemorating the Church’s 1995 “Evangelium Vitae” encyclical that laid out official doctrine on abortion, euthanasia, and end of life decisions. As TalkingPointsMemo points out, the Church’s teaching on choice seems maybe a bit at odds with Harley-Davidson’s ad slogan for its 2013 product line: “Live life on your own terms. More than 30 ways to defy the status quo.” Then again, since Harley’s “rebel” image is as cynically calculated as the Vatican’s “sanctity o’ life” stance, maybe it all fits, we dunno. Make your own jokes about cafeteria Catholics and weekend poser bad boys? Read more on New Pope Blesses Bikers & Anti-Abortion Activists In Well-Thought-Out Combo Mass…
  We Have Always Been At War With EastOrgasmia

Daily Caller Guy Pretty Weird About Sex

The Daily Caller’s Mark Judge is something of a genius, he wants you to know. This is a man who’s pretty sure The Blacks stole his bike and who finds metaphors for the “collapse of the old liberal order” in a base-ball player’s “indolence.” And now, if you have a moment, he would like to explain at you how the election of a new Pope proves that liberals are tremendous hypocrites who only pretend to care about “social justice,” when in fact the only freedom they care about is the freedom to be disgusting sex perverts bent on enacting the sexual and political agenda of ’60s radicals. All this is revealed in a column with the irresistible headline “The Revolutionary Orgasm.” At least now we understand why everyone in our Marxist cell keeps saying “Come the Revolution.” Read more on Daily Caller Guy Pretty Weird About Sex…
  congratulations on not being a nazi

Special Semi-Nice New Pope Time: Maybe He Is Not So Bad?

NEW POPE! HOLLA! If you are anything like yr Wonkette, you’ve just spent the last couple hours refreshing Twitter, or the NPR website, or both, without actually really knowing why you were paying so much attention to who was going to lead a religion that you are probably not a part of. We cannot explain this either! However, parts of yr Wonkette are actually the best American Catholic Ever (your Editrix! who is also a Jewess!) or lapsed Catholic (me! your resident female lesbian!) and found ourselves sucked in to all the popossibilities once we saw the white smoke. Read more on Special Semi-Nice New Pope Time: Maybe He Is Not So Bad?…
  doing the vatican rag

Peggy Noonan Simply Does Not Care For All You Heathens Mockinge Her Inerrante Churche

It is time for pope-choosing and magick, and Peggy Noonan has once again taken to the pixels of the Wall Street Money-Changers’ Gazette to Opine and feel the Breath of God. But ho! Some hooligans go on the picture-box and criticize the Church and throw out words like “celibacy” and “pedophile” when discussing it! And Peggy Noonan will not allow this to stand! Oh, it isn’t that she hasn’t criticized the Church her own self; she knows there have been Dark Days. But the proper way to criticize the Church, according to Sister Mary Margaret, ruler out and at the ready, is with affection and fear of the Lord and “due esteem.” So, pretty much on one’s knees, then. Thank you, Sister, may we have another? Read more on Peggy Noonan Simply Does Not Care For All You Heathens Mockinge Her Inerrante Churche…
  history's greatest monster

Jennifer Rubin Valiantly Crusades Against Obama For The Pope’s Honor

Washington Post Opinion Columnist and intifada-themed torture porn aficionado Jennifer Rubin is not a big fan of the President. According to Rubin, our Muslin half-ling is simply an effete market-hating monster who splits his time between plotting to kill the Jews and live- streaming the murder of Chris Stevens with his bro’s in the war room, for the lolz. But while the vast majority of Rubin’s fantasies about the President lean more on the side of “psychologically obsessive antipathy” than they do actual analysis, opinion editor Fred Hiatt nevertheless sees her as some sort of Conservative luminary despite her legendary record of outright hackery. Read more on Jennifer Rubin Valiantly Crusades Against Obama For The Pope’s Honor…
  someone please call 911

This Freaky-Deaky Priest For Pope

We do a lot of joshing with the Catholic Church, mostly because we do not particularly care for how Pope Nazi personally defrocked Jean-Bertrand Aristide, or the way he treats nuns (WE LOVE NUNS), or the protection racket the Church has got going on for its cavalcades of boy-diddling priests. (When your Editrix was a little girl, everyone knew Father Pat was molesting boys, and everyone felt very sorry for how broken he must have been; what we didn’t know was that the Church was busy moving its molesters to brand new parishes and victims.) As a Catholic ourself (and a Jew), we also believe it’s high time we allowed our (male or female) priests to marry — men or ladies, duh — because we think enforced celibacy makes you weird. Which brings us to this nice priest, and his 911 call asking for help getting out of his ballgag and handcuffs. Read more on This Freaky-Deaky Priest For Pope…
  can you feel the love tonight?

Catholic Church Reaching Around To Jews and Muslims Over Shared Hatred Of Gays

Religionists in Gaye Olde Britain are all in a bother because “Equalities Minister” (get a real job) Lynne Featherstone “launched a national consultation on how same-sex marriage might be introduced.” “Indeed not!” said the papal nuncio! “Over our dead bodies!” said some Islamists. “So what who cayuhs,” said most of the Jews. But the papal nuncio was heartened by the reaction of (some of) the Jews and (many of) the Islamists, and declared a new ecumenicism — a catholicism, if you will! — in the shared facing of this common threat: some chaps and lassies what like each other. And picking up from their pals across the pond (US!), a few of them even figured out that letting someone else do something you don’t like could be interpreted as a war on you! To the battlestations! Man the ramparts! In Scotland, the Council of Glasgow Imams recently agreed a joint resolution describing same-sex marriage as an “attack” on their faith and fundamental beliefs. Oy, gevalt! Say, chaps, shall we have a spot of #WAR? Read more on Catholic Church Reaching Around To Jews and Muslims Over Shared Hatred Of Gays…
  he prefers dos equis

Fidel to Pope: So, What Does a Pope Do, Anyway? (VIDEO)

The Pope and Fidel Castro met in Havana for what was apparently a fun contest to see which octogenarian could be more passive-aggressive. Fidel was all, yeah mang, saw you on the teevee, then played dumb about why the Mass had changed since he was a child (presumably Castro is aware of the Church’s liberalizing under Vatican II) and followed it with “so what does a Pope, you know, do?” Fidel, proud (former) head of an island nation of (nominal) Catholics is vaguely aware of your quaint little “church.” Read more on Fidel to Pope: So, What Does a Pope Do, Anyway? (VIDEO)…
  sex ed

Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant

An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s required process for creating new human life forms: Read more on Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant…
  pope vs. hope

Obama and Pope Battle Over Free Condoms In Hellish Cathedral

The Taiwanese animators behind these weird videos sometimes know even less about an American Political Controversy than any random sack of highly paid pundits on the U.S. cable news. But that’s not really a hindrance when there are lots of comical human-sized condoms with feet dancing around while Barack Obama beats the shit out of the Pope. [NMA TV] Read more on Obama and Pope Battle Over Free Condoms In Hellish Cathedral…
  guys who know a lot about sex

Pope Blames Catholic Church Child-Rape On Hippies

“In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” the pope said. “It was maintained – even within the realm of Catholic theology – that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a ‘better than’ and a ‘worse than.’ Nothing is good or bad in itself.” Read more on Pope Blames Catholic Church Child-Rape On Hippies…
  the olds

BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms

Well, not exactly BREAKING or whatever, unless you’re Catholic for some reason and didn’t see this yesterday: Some old European guy in a Rome suburb told a guy who was writing a book that some people should wear condoms, if they’re gay AIDS prostitutes in Africa who can’t help themselves from giving everyone AIDS. This was apparently reported in the media because it was a slow news day, and an “old people are cute” story seemed like a good idea. And also this old man, who is a former member of the Hitler Youth, said something about Jews that Jews didn’t like very much, but what did they expect? We think we also heard that this man’s grandson is getting married to some girl named Kate Middleton and will hold a fake job similar to the one his grandfather has. Cool. Read more on BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms…
  recent poles prove it

Former Polish President Knows Glenn Beck = Manipulative Turd

Eddy Moretti and VBS Teevee traveled to Poland to interview former Polish president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Lech Walesa. They talked about dead Popes, and also how Glenn Beck is a total jerk. Our very own Liz Glover co-produces this teevee series, so you know it’s quality stuff! Watch: Read more on Former Polish President Knows Glenn Beck = Manipulative Turd…