Wonkette

Rudy Giuliani has well-known problems reconciling his Catholic faith with his favorite hobbies: destroying fetuses, living with terrible homosexuals and cavorting around town dressed as an old-fashioned gal. Yet he took High Mass when Pope Ratzi visited New York recently even though the Pope surely hates him. The Archbishop of New York is so upset with Rudy’s participation in this ancient pagan ritual that he has issued a statement condemning Giuliani, who was mayor of the city when planes crashed into two of its buildings. Read the “ha-ha funny” statement below. MORE »

Kind of a weird week in Condiland! She had to threaten her staff again, had an awkward moment with Madeleine Albright, and endured the embarrassment of standing idly by as the Pope got kissed by — ew! — Nancy Pelosi. And that was really kind of it! So let’s flesh things out the way real journalists do: by making things up! See the pictures and feel the magic, after the jump!

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Everyone’s favorite racist presidential candidate from Colorado, Rep. Tom Tancredo, is responding to the Pope’s Tour d’America by… well how is he responding? Let’s do the math: Tom Tancredo’s only issue is illegal Mexicans; illegal Mexicans are Catholic; Catholics perform Pope’s bidding… The Pope’s bidding is telling the Mexicans to enter the United States. Tom Tancredo hates the Pope! [Denver Post]

The end. [Reuters]

The New York Times is pretty much on a “Pope Roll” today, and here’s the latest hilarious proof that should be in your NYT newspaper, if you are old and subscribe to the paper version. Here’s not-so-beloved Pope Joseph “Benedict XVI” Ratzinger, speaking to an overflow crowd of many thousands of “Victims of Sexual Abuse” at Nationals Park here in Washington. MORE »

What is this crap, you ask? Well, as of 8:53 p.m., the New York Times‘ article about Pope Ratzi — the lead story on their website right now — currently says “END” on page three, and is followed by several pages of the reporter’s notes and drafts. Too bad this never happened with any of Judy Miller’s articles. Stupid Pope! [NYT]

The leader of America’s religion, Christianity, finally arrived in America today! The president and his wife and their daughter, Jenna, rushed down to the airport to say howdy. The pope held Jenna’s hand and cackled, in German, “You’re very pretty, for a girl.” MORE »

The White House is throwing a big fancy special Pope dinner on Wednesday, complete with German Pope food and German birthday cake for “Benedict XVI,” who turns 81 years old that night. But vindictive old pope Joseph Ratzinger refuses to show up, even though he’ll be a few blocks away in Washington that very evening! MORE »

Readers, what do you have against this exotic creature known as the “booble head”? Why do you take his and the Lord’s name in vain? One concerned Wonkette visitor wants to know why you are such crazed haters that you would patronize a Web site that is basically Lucifer’s inferno, only with swear words. MORE »

GOP gazillioniare Mitt Romney showed up at the funeral of the Mormon President, Gordon B. Hinckley, in Salt Lake City on Saturday, but his last-minute campaigning didn’t help. Today, the Church of Latter Day Saints announced a new president/prophet guy, and this president’s name isn’t Mitt Romney, either. Thomas S. Monson is the new LDS leader. Just as we’re totally confused by the whole “white smoke/white heat” pope election thing, we have no idea how this Mormon President process works, because we do not understand magic. [Salt Lake Tribune]

Pope Benedict XVI has decided to stick his little Nazi head directly up Al Gore’s peaceful ass by calling global warming fears nothing but “scare-mongering.” He will make these completely unnecessary and regressive remarks, coincidentally, for World Peace Day on Jan. 1. That’s the same day when we’ll be wishing the Pope a jolly fuck-you. Actually, we have that day off, so whatevs. LOLpope. [Daily Mail]

The Blowvember winds blow as briskly as ever, but their patterns are shifting towards the… vagina… direction. On Monday, a 79-year-old Catholic nun, Norma Giannini, plead no contest to accusation that she did little boys or something while teaching in Milwaukee in the ’60s. Things like this are why Wonkette approves of the culture wars. MORE »

“Pope Benedict XVI will make his first visit to the United States as pontiff next year, and plans to visit the White House, ground zero and speak at the United Nations, the Vatican’s ambassador said Monday.” Still no word from ground zero officials about whether they’ll allow a state sponsor of terror to visit. [CNN]

Beloved anti-Nazi pope John Paul II is back, according to Vatican TV. And this time, he is a terrible fire monster! We know about this because we accidentally had CNN Headline News on the other day, with the sound off, for some reason we can no longer remember, and suddenly there’s a terrible picture of the dead pope next to another picture of the Fire Pope. (It was on that douchesack Glenn Beck’s show that nobody has ever intentionally watched.) MORE »