Tag Archives: polygamy

  None of these are actually legal :(

Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower

Be honest, you're looking at his piece of equipment. His LAWNMOWING equipment.
Rep. Steve King is a glorious fucking numbskull, and he’s willing to prove it on the daily, if that’s what it takes. Having failed to stop the Supreme Court from throat-cramming America with marriage of the EW GAY kind, he must continue to warn America what dark days lie ahead, now that two men or two women can become so gay for one another that they decide to file taxes jointly, ’til death do they part. And what do those dark days look like? Matt Taibbi reported that King, introducing Mike Huckabee in Iowa Thursday, explained that marriage equality means “you can marry my lawnmower.” OH REALLY? Read more on Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower…
  Oh lord

Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog

We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks. Read more on Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog…
  Goin' To The Chapel And We're Gonna Get Married Married Married

Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License

This stuff is pretty good, actually. Made in Park City, Utah.
In a move calculated to make every fundagelical family-values type scream “We told you so!” a polygamous Montana guy has applied for a license to marry his second wife, so that she can be just as legally married to him as his other wife. We’re quite certain that we should take everything Nathan Collier says about his struggle for freedom, dignity, and equality at face value, because he is a genuine Reality TV star, or at least the focus of a guest appearance on Sister Wives earlier this year. So when he says he was “inspired” by the Supreme Court’s great big marriage equality decision last week, then by golly, we know that it’s about his sincerely held religious beliefs, and definitely not common famewhoring. Read more on Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License…
  Polygamy Is For Winners

Sister Wives: Creepy Dad Throws Creepy Party For Creepy Family, Creepy Self

This week’s episode of “Sister Wives” was more a mash up than an episode. It felt like the editors didn’t have enough on one topic, so cobbled a bunch of things together to generate 45 minutes of outcasted Mormon fun. The non-sequiters were bumpin’ and I kept waiting for strobe lights to appear and Vanilla Ice’s old beats to carry the scenes. Read more on Sister Wives: Creepy Dad Throws Creepy Party For Creepy Family, Creepy Self…
  put a wingnut on it

Worst Psychiatrist Ever Keith Ablow Declares Marriage Dead, Removes Life Support, Burns Hospital To Ground

Never one to stoop to hyperbole, Fox News Psychiatric Head Doctor Keith Ablow proclaimed 2013 the year that marriage finally died, killed by the gays and the liberals and the courts and the polygamists, and also by the celebrities, too. Game over, man. GAME OVER! And just look at the evidence: More than a year ago, when states began to legalize gay marriage, I argued that polygamy would be the natural result. If love between humans of legal age is the only condition required to have the state issue a marriage license, then it is irrational to assert that two men or two women can have such feelings for one another, while three women and a man, or two men and a woman, cannot … Gay rights groups criticized me for suggesting that their bid for marriage rights would lead to polygamy being green-lighted. Well who’s laughing now, huh? Huh? Look what happened! A federal court judge overturned Utah’s polygamy law! And now the floodgates are open! Millions of polygamists are gonna start marrying each other all over the place! Never mind that what the judge really threw out was the part of the law that made cohabitation illegal — the granting of multiple marriage licenses is still very much illegal, and all the court did was to bring Utah law into line with other states’ bigamy statutes. But never mind, Ablow’s on a roll. Read more on Worst Psychiatrist Ever Keith Ablow Declares Marriage Dead, Removes Life Support, Burns Hospital To Ground…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  blood simple

Mitt’s Mexican Family, Part Two: Homicidal Polygamist Goes On Blood Atonement Spree

Yesterday, when we brought you Part One of Vice’s intrepid trip to Juarez to meet up with Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon cousins fighting the cartels, a whole bunch of you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!” Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!) Read more on Mitt’s Mexican Family, Part Two: Homicidal Polygamist Goes On Blood Atonement Spree…
  seven more months

Your Cutesy Little Insight Into Mormonism Sucks

Oh man, so, you know that cutesy little insight you may have Mitt Romney and the Secrets of Mormonism that you think could pass off as clever or “ironic”? Well, it’s not really interesting at all, nor is it clever, and you don’t know what irony is. So please, please, cut the crap, Brian Schweitzer and Martin Bashir, because we don’t really need to spend the next seven months watching daily evil cable news debates about whether Romney’s Mormon church or Barack Obama’s Jeremiah Wright church is WEIRDER, as would inevitably — and not unfairly — be the case. Read more on Your Cutesy Little Insight Into Mormonism Sucks…