Wonkette

Oooh, it’s TROUBLING NEWS on the McCain front. Despite every conceivable advantage in news coverage this week, he has steadfastly refused to budge from his squatting position at the bottom of the polls. Why hasn’t John McCain capitalized on the many blessings showered on him by the press, and Fate? And what does this say about his ability to lead? MORE »

Oh hey look it’s another tracking poll! The latest Rasmussen dealy shows that John McCain is tied with Barack Obama at 44%, but if you include “leaners,” the geezer beats the pants off the charismatic upstart with a whopping 47% to Obama’s crappy old 46%. JOHN MCCAIN IS PRESIDENT OF LEANERS! MORE »

You know those folks who eat a lot of casseroles and know the first and last names of every contestant on America’s Next Top Model since “Cycle 1,” but do not know how many fingers John McCain has? (Answer: Eleven.) These people are so grossly underinformed that politicians lurve them, and every four years this coveted voting bloc called “Independents” determines who will be our next president. This year, like every year, they do not like their options: or they would not like their options if they knew what they were, which they do not. MORE »

• DISRESPECT TOWARD OUR LEADERS: A new Rasmussen poll: “This month, just 9% say Congress is doing a good or excellent job.” Here’s a poll question Rasmussen should consider for the future: Can you name a single issue Congress is currently working on? [Rasmussen]

A new poll from the venerable AP-Yahoo partnership shows that pet owners prefer John McCain over Barack Obama, 42% to 37%. (The other 21%, we assume, support pet-loving failure Mitt Romney.) Dog owners, especially, support John McCain by a wide margin, while cat owners of course lean towards known homosexual Barack Obama. Obama owns no pets because he hates domesticated beasts. But — as the AP tells us — John McCain owns a “veritable menagerie” of creatures. Sexy! MORE »

Bob Barr looks like Reverend Jeremiah Wright and will probably cost John McCain the election, and for these two reasons alone Barack Obama makes love to Bob Barr’s voodoo doll in his hyperbaric Hope chamber every night. You see, 6% of Zogby poll respondents said they would vote for the Libertarian candidate for president, and this is the exact size of the margin Obama leads by. Score one for Liberty! MORE »

Hey Canada, what’s up? Oh, you like that Barack Obama? Yeah, it figures, being as you’re kind of quasi-Europeans. Except for Alberta, we guess. And probably the “Northwest Territories,” where the Snow King lives. Oh, you really like Barack Obama? You want him to be president of your own … uh, whatever it is, commonwealth or something? Looks like you people love Our Barry more than any of your own lame leaders. And it looks like you don’t love John McCain at all, with just 3% of you naming Ol’ Walnuts as the politician you admire. [CTV.CA]

Oh hey look it’s another poll, from the Numbers People! Exciting new statistics show that Barry Obama is ahead of John McCain in the Muslim state of Michigan, plus Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Colorado. This was a poll among likely voters, which your boyfriend Chuck Todd cautions may not be the best measure in a year when turnout is expected to be OFF THE CHAIN Y’ALL. (Chuck prefers registered voters to likely ones, because he is an Elitist.) The point is, John McCain will win in a landslide when a Terrorist Meteor hits Ohio’s beloved Cornhole Tournament and all of America’s likely voters are deported to Guantanamo. [Wall Street Journal]

Proving that Obama’s 15-point lead in last week’s Newsweek poll was a liberal hoax, a hot new LA Times poll has Obama’s lead diminishing to a statistically insignificant 12 points, or 15 if you include fictional losers Bob Barr and Ralph Nader. Also, among voters who said they’d vote for McCain, only 45% are “enthusiastic” about doing that (Mexican vs. Muslim, pick your poison etc. etc.), while that figure is 81% for Obama. This just goes to show how screwed the Democrats will be come November. Sooner or later these Obamatards will realize that in the Real World, you don’t “like” politicians or presume they’ve got anything good to offer; you vote for the schlock you completely fucking hate, because why set yourself up for disappointment? [LA Times]

Huzzah, here are some new fake polling results from Quinnipiac today: Obama 47, McCain 43 in Florida; Obama 48, McCain 42 in Ohio; Obama 52, McCain 40 in Pennsylvania. Now Obama will be president for life and McCain will be banished to Mongolia to start a new life as “Maverick of the Yaks.” [The Page]

Here is a very interesting poll from your Gallup organization, which shows Undecided finally pulling away form Neither/Other in the polls. However, Candidate “Total not Obama or McCain” is beating both their hindquarters — suggesting that Ron Paul really is secretly pulling the levers of Democracy and positioning himself for an eleventh-hour November blowout. [Gallup Daily]

THIS JUST IN, HOT FROM THE E-MAIL PROGRAM: Ron Paul has something to say tonight hooray. You can watch it at Justin’s TV or whatever. What will he be Announcing? MORE »

He may be the underdog here at home, but he’s winning hearts and minds in the land of delicious beer. Hat tip to reader bitchincamaro. [Prague Post]

This general election prediction map comes from the famous angry blogger Kos. It pits Unelectable Obama vs. Maverick McCain and allocates states according to the current Pollster.com state polling averages, so there’s no “funny business” with the math. While the numbers grant Obama Ohio and Pennsyvlania, they don’t give him Michigan (supposedly a must-win), Florida, Virginia or Nevada. The result? Obama 283, McCain 255. And this is how Al Gore will become president again at the Convention. [Daily Kos]