Tag Archives: polls

  A noun a verb and Hewlett-Packard

Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate

It's not because she's a woman, everybody just wants to see the demon sheep again.
It’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because of that Demon Sheep look in her eyes. Remember how Carly Fiorina has been complaining all the time, like every day, except for how she is SO NOT COMPLAINING (she’s been complaining), that CNN has some sort of lame “rules” about who gets to stand under Donald Trump’s armpits at the next debate? Well, all that complaining has paid off, because CNN decided to change the rules, JUST FOR HER, AWWWWWWW: Read more on Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate…
  Clash Of The Titans

Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism

Two minds with but a single thought
Two minds with but a single thought Oh, golly goodness, it would appear that there is once again discord in the House That Ailes Built. After taking a brief vacation, Fox’s Megyn Kelly returned to the network Monday night, and Donald Trump drunk-tweeted a bunch of mean stuff about her. (We are not accusing Mr. Trump of being a drunkard, of course — we know he only drinks at church. We just assume that anyone on Twitter is drunk, because it is Twitter). Read more on Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism…
  do not pass go

Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton’s real face, we guess. Oh look, it is another extremely meaningful poll to tell us the extremely meaningful things about what might happen if the 2016 election were held today, even though it’s not going to be held for (hold on, back-of-the-napkin calculations happening) at least eleventy thousand more days. Considering how Hillary Clinton is probably a ginormous email criminal, who insists on changing her email address every single time she fires up a new AOL free trial CD-ROM, should she drop out of the race RIGHT THIS SECOND? Glad we have a poll from the ever-reliable Rasmussen to tell us these things: Read more on Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!…
  helping a buddy out

Americans Pretty Much All Gay Now, According To Science

Out of the mouths of babes.
Out of the mouths of babes. Good news for all you gays and gay-loving humans out there! According to science, basically all the U.S. Americans are Doing The Gay now, having completely abandoned God-Fearing Christian Morality for the much greener grass of “It’s just skin, baby, it’s just skin.” Okay, maybe we are exaggerating when we say “basically all the U.S. Americans,” but according to a new YouGov poll, ALMOST A THIRD of American youngs say they’re not totally hetero, which means that hot straight man or man-lady you’ve always had that secret crush on? The one you’ve always been like, “Oh whatever, he is mostly straight, but I suspect that given the right combination of alcohol and spontaneity could get me RIGHT in those pants”? It’s probably true: Read more on Americans Pretty Much All Gay Now, According To Science…
  We exist! We really exist!

Rachel Maddow Wants To Gay Marry Yr Wonkette, And We Accept!

Wonkette's fiance
Wonkette is pleased to report that we officially exist on the internet, after years of relying on strangers to notice us wearing Wonkette T-shirts and carrying Wonkette tote bags (available in the Wonkette Sweat Shop for the low, low price of “money”!) and crinkle their eyebrows like maybe they recognize that logo from somewhere. Read more on Rachel Maddow Wants To Gay Marry Yr Wonkette, And We Accept!…
  YOOOOOGE

Donald Trump Already President Of All You Overrated Losers

Donald Trump built a fence around the other candidates, and it was luxurious. So that “debate” thingie last night, you saw it, yes? Where nine of America’s biggest losers pulled out their gruesome dick junk and showed it to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly and Bret Baier on live television, but nobody was paying attention, because Donald Trump’s dick junk is the yooooogest and classiest and most beautiful dick junk in all of America, and also big rapey Mexico? Yes, that thing. So the overwhelming consensus, according to Donald Trump, is that Donald Trump built a fence around that fucking debate and made it his next wife, and if you don’t understand that, well, you probably are gay for Megyn Kelly, who is overrated and a loser: Read more on Donald Trump Already President Of All You Overrated Losers…
  Let's gossip about the week's stop stories

A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten

Ooh look a kitten.
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking “ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk” and we hate to break it to you, but it’s not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we’re not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom. Read more on A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten…
  Not that we blame you

New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck

You sad bro?
What up, Republicans? You feeling sorta down, sorta bad about yourselves these days? Because of how you suck and no one likes you? And everyone is pointing and laughing HAHAHAHAHAHA, and saying, “Look at these idiots HAHAHAHAHAHA”? Yeah, we know you are. And you know you are too. And here are some numbers and graphs and nerdy nerd stuff like that to prove it. The Pew Research Center interrupted the dinners of 2002 adults and asked them what they think of the Republican Party, and they were like, “Oh, those guys? Those guys suck!” Read more on New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck…
  Breathtaking!

Donald Trump Has YOOOOOOGE, Beautiful Plan To Elect Hillary Clinton President

Not available at any Trump retail locations
Recently, Donald “I am Donald Trump!” Trump had to reassure everyone that no, he is not a secret Democratic operative, playing in the GOP primary for the purposes of making all the other candidates eat each other alive and just look dumb. OR IS HE? Well maybe he has changed his mind on the subject, because the RNC is being mean to him and saying things like “Hey, stop calling the Mexicans rapists, stop punching John McCain in the face, and also you are an asshole,” which is NOT part of Trump’s plan to Make America Great Again, so maybe if they keep being such bitches he’ll run third party: Read more on Donald Trump Has YOOOOOOGE, Beautiful Plan To Elect Hillary Clinton President…
  Probably because everybody's been death paneled already

Tyrant Obamacare Insuring More Americans Than Ever, Thanks Obama!

This is what Obamacare insurance cards look like, right?
Looking at this new chart from the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, America is starting to resemble a developed nation! In 2013, just before the forcible throat-cramming of quality, affordable healthcare began, 18% of Americans were uninsured. And now that number is down to … this can’t be right. This poll must have a liberal bias. They must have only asked Americans who don’t love America, because it says that the uninsured rate has precipitously dropped in the intervening time, down to 11.4%. Read it and weep, fuckers: Read more on Tyrant Obamacare Insuring More Americans Than Ever, Thanks Obama!…
  here's the church here's the steeple open the doors and see all the oy vey

Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals

King of the Jews
Hey Jewish people, how was your weekend? Did you go to Jew Church and get very upset because you don’t want President Obama to force your Jew Church to do gay weddings? OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. But don’t worry anymore, because when he is president, Ted Cruz will shut all that down and your Jew Church will be safe forever, PRAISE JESUS! Cruz explained his worries to fellow sane person Glenn Beck last Thursday: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals…
  Yoogest Classiest Broad Brush Out There

Donald Trump Dimly Aware That Messicans Don’t Like Being Called Rapists And Murderers

Most accurate Trump image yet
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Donald Trump Isn’t backing off from his insistence that the borders are completely open and that most of those crossing are criminals, thugs, and thuggish criminals, but he is at least becoming vaguely aware that this stance may not be universally loved. On Fox & Friends Saturday, Trump took the opportunity to explain that his immigration views were vindicated because a man who’d been deported five times was charged with murder in San Francisco last week, which simply proves that illegal immigrants are bad news. Read more on Donald Trump Dimly Aware That Messicans Don’t Like Being Called Rapists And Murderers…
  America saw him first

Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best

And that's how America was made!
Here is some interesting news, as we U.S. Americans begin our annual weekend of getting real drunk and shooting off fireworks, due to something we read in a history book about America but can’t quite remember. (Muskets were involved.) Did you know that, according to 53% of Americans, our country has a “special relationship” with God? Take THAT, 195 other countries in the world, you all are just acquaintances with God, whereas He is taking US to the prom, and is going to ask us to gay marry Him any day now, WE JUST KNOW IT: Read more on Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best…
  Show us on the doll where Obama touched Lady Liberty

Wingnuts: Sure, Josh Duggar Molested Kids, But Barack Obama Molested America Way Worse

Pollsters are hilarious sometimes. Talking Points Memo has the results of a new poll from Public Policy Polling, asking people which do they like better:  The Duggar family, kid-touching and all, or Barack Obama? You will be so shocked to find out that a full 67% of folks who voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 still like the Duggars better than Obama, whereas 87% of Obama voters think Obama is better than kid-touchers and the people who cover for them. THERE’S YOUR PARTISAN DIVIDE, AMERICA. Read more on Wingnuts: Sure, Josh Duggar Molested Kids, But Barack Obama Molested America Way Worse…
  65% of new jersey voters can't be wrong

New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America

America needs him.
According to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, there is just not enough of him to go around, and New Jersey residents would be very upset and jealous if he betrayed them by running for president of U.S. America. In an interview with Fox News lady Megyn Kelly, Christie said that the little fact that 65 percent of New Jersey voters think he would be a bad president is of absolutely no consequence. Because, you see, New Jersey voters are just lying, because they would be far too upset if he left them to be the governor of all the Americas: Read more on New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America…