Tag Archives: politico

  Tipgate

Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
It is far too early in the 2016 presidential election cycle to officially declare this is the stupidest story we are going to see, but hot damn, it’ll probably still be a strong contender by Election Day. Read more on Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point…
  Or You Could Look Up Thurber's 'If Grant Had Been Drinking At Appomattox'

It’s Appomattox Day. The South Lost. Deal With It.

Yeah, yeah, noble cause. Freaking slavers.
One hundred fifty years ago today, the American Civil War ended with Robert E. Lee’s surrender to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House, which wasn’t a courthouse but a town named after a court house, and the actual house belonged to Wilmer McLean. This is generally considered a fortunate thing, since “The Surrender At Wilmer’s Place” would not look nearly as good on a commemorative print. The relentless romanticizing of the Southern cause — state’s rights, the Old Noble Ways, the Southern Aristocracy, and the Fight for Freedom for people of a certain pale hue — started well before the war, and the mere fact of Southern defeat did little to slow it. After all, what’s more romantic than a Lost Cause? It was a good enough reason for a delusional actor to shoot Abraham Lincoln just a week later, and it was a good enough pile of romantic mush to keep the Lost Cause ideology alive long after the Confederacy and all its leaders and followers were dead and in the ground. Read more on It’s Appomattox Day. The South Lost. Deal With It….
  literally everyone in this story is an asshole

Mickey Kaus Resigns From Daily Caller To Spend Less Time Sucking Fox’s D*ck

He's already said he's not sorry
See that up there? That’s what you get when you try to access media-critic blowhard/JournoList exposer/erstwhile Democratic (sorta) Senate candidate Mickey Kaus’ most recent entry for Tucker Carlson’s Home for Gray Matter Anemia, in which he dared criticize Fox News for scaring the olds about ISIS instead of Messicans. The post, we gather from the URL, was called “Fox Makes It Easy for Amnesty,” and we’re sure it was S-M-R-T like all of Mickey Kaus’ work, but we cannot tell you all that much about it because, duh, it’s no longer there. Read more on Mickey Kaus Resigns From Daily Caller To Spend Less Time Sucking Fox’s D*ck…
  Wonkette stays on top of Aaron Schock

Aaron Schock Hires Nice Lawyers To Fix All His Not-Gay Ethics Violations

We're sure he'll find a way to Shake This Off too.
Oh, Aaron Schock, we have so missed reporting on you for the last three days or so! But we are back, because things continue to go poorly for you, you dumb, cuddly animal, and we promise we will not leave your side again, as long as you keep doing dumb, cuddly things. Read more on Aaron Schock Hires Nice Lawyers To Fix All His Not-Gay Ethics Violations…
  Behind every strong congressman is a even stronger Jonathon

Aaron Schock Spending Tax Moneys On Hot Male Personal Photographer. Totally Normal.

My goodness, America’s Top Heterosexual Congresscritter is in the news so much lately! We’ve gone from Not Gay Downton Abbey office to gayest ethics complaint ever to racist spokesgoon having to resign for being racist spokesgoon, all in the space of a week, and apparently Aaron is not done Shaking It Off, because here comes more! Read more on Aaron Schock Spending Tax Moneys On Hot Male Personal Photographer. Totally Normal….
  butchers of the world unite!

Politico Wins The Morning With Some Henry Kissinger Knob-Gobbling

The 70s were so weird.
Withered garden gnome Henry Kissinger got himself a nice little write-up in Politico the other day. The thrust of the knob-swabbing was that even at his nursing home-appropriate age of 91, visits to his consulting office to kiss the old butcher’s ring remain de rigueur for any presidential candidate from either major party. Which is how you get the spectacle of such foreign policy savants as Scott Walker, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio and Chris Friggin’ Christie parading through Kissinger’s inner sanctum to toast him with a goblet of the freshly squeezed blood of orphaned Third World street urchins that keeps the Dark Lord’s atrophied heart beating. Read more on Politico Wins The Morning With Some Henry Kissinger Knob-Gobbling…
  The Long Grift

Scammy Conservative PACs Fleece Your Grandma With This One Weird Trick

Last week, Mother Jones reported that Mike Huckabee used his PAC to funnel more than $400,000 to his family. This week, Politico’s Ken Vogel gives us a story about scammy conservative PACs that make thousands of dollars from home with just one weird trick. Read more on Scammy Conservative PACs Fleece Your Grandma With This One Weird Trick…
  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  The New Math

GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash

Pic via 1Funny As the year draws to a close, we here in the Washington Bureau are grateful for many things. Because we are Americans, we are most grateful for our capital-F Freedom and its valiant defenders, not least the right-wing fiscal fringers of the coming 114th Congress. These brave budget warriors will liberate us from the tyranny of traditional government math, freeing us from the chains of logic and allowing our wildest fiscal fantasies to come true. Read more on GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash…
  the empire strikes back

GOP Uses ‘Cromnibus’ To Let Rich People Give Tons More Money To GOP

These yokels are pure Baltic Avenue.
Take note, progressive Wonkette scum — the GOP establishment is putting on a masterclass in how to consolidate a political victory. The 2014 midterms saw the party’s elders systematically strangle Tea Party challengers in their cribs and ride a wave of outside money to victory. You might think that an alliance between the GOP and Republican-aligned groups would be nice for the party, but that’s why you’re a namby-pamby ally-having liberal and not a victorious Republican alpha man-beast. Politico’s Ken Vogel shows us how the Republicans are using the “cromnibus” to finally yank Frankenstein’s monster back to the lab. Read more on GOP Uses ‘Cromnibus’ To Let Rich People Give Tons More Money To GOP…
  Here have some news n stuff

Republican White Guy Real Sorry If Anyone Was Offended By Racist Slur Because It Is A Day

Former Gov. Haley Barbour (R-Sorryville)
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. (You have, but keep reading.) Some crusty old white guy Republican dude says a racist thing. There’s a good chance he doesn’t even realize it is racist because he is too busy wanting his country back and missing the good old days when it was perfectly A-OK and acceptable among polite society to say racist things. If enough people explain to him that, “Hey, that thing you said is racist, AND THAT’S WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!” he just might apologize. Not for being racist. Heavens no. Not for saying a racist thing. Certainly not that. But if anyone was offended, well, sorry ’bout that part.Today’s crusty old white guy Republican dude is former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour. (Yeah, we know you’re shocked.) Read more on Republican White Guy Real Sorry If Anyone Was Offended By Racist Slur Because It Is A Day…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Is Putin Spreading Ebola? Sure Why Not

With Ebola now killing 0.000001% of Americans who might have otherwise died naturally from self-inflicted gunshot wounds, diabetes, car accidents or no-knock, wrong-condo SWAT raids, The Washington Post has bravely asked what you are already thinking deep within your sub-subconscious: Isn’t this Russia’s fault, somehow? Your intrepid Russia correspondent will now confirm what is plainly obvious. Read more on Is Putin Spreading Ebola? Sure Why Not…
  Here have some news n stuff

If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
When it comes to Ebola, there’s what the experts say — no, travel bans won’t work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can’t get Ebola by looking at a picture of President Obama — and then there are the politicians who don’t care what the experts say. Like New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who imprisoned a nurse, with no Ebola symptoms whatsoever, because in his expert medical opinion, she’s “obviously ill”: Read more on If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor…
  As Always The Voice Of Reason

Bill O’Reilly Wishes You Chicks Would Stop Being Such Girls

Must be 'that time of the month'
Americans are scared, and they feel like things are completely out of control, and Bill O’Reilly is ON IT. You see, this Politico poll found that, in the most contested states in the upcoming midterms, 2/3 of voters said America “has lost control of its major challenges.” Huh. So people being bombarded nonstop with campaign ads about ISIS and Ebola feel like the nation is losing its grip? Can’t imagine why. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Wishes You Chicks Would Stop Being Such Girls…
  secret Squirrel service

Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That

Everybody needs a nap now and then
This Secret Service thing, huh? It’s quite a mess, and by golly, the right is just outraged that the agency is doing such a crappy job of defending the president they hate. Thank heavens they know who’s responsible for the security lapses: That feckless dictator Barack Obama, who just can’t do anything right except take away all our liberties and make us live in a police state that is nonetheless not very good at keeping the president of the United States. Read more on Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That…
  We just invented a new word and it is plagiarism

National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson

A Doktor Zoom original
If you were concerned that hack plagiarist Benny Johnson, Buzzfeed’s former viral politics editor and laughing stock of the internet — which he loves :) — would disappear into oblivion and fade from our memories, pinch your collective selves and quit your daydreaming because it turns out that there is still one cockroach-infested corner of the internet that thinks Benny would make a fine addition to its staff, and it is National Review! Read more on National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson…
  Darrell Issa Sucks

More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid

It’s Throwback Thursday Friday here at Wonkette, so let’s check in on one of our favorite scandal-not-scandals of last year, IRSgate. In the latest news, it turns out that the special inspector guy in charge of investigating the IRS, the guy whose report started this whole media circus, is a TOTAL PARTISAN HACK WHAT SUCKS AT HIS JERB: Read more on More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Fox Solves All Your Selfie Problems, Alaska Is REALLY Weird, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Just look in the mirror
It’s hump day. So, uh, hump something? While some people are upset about nekkid self-portraits (what the kids these days who should get off our lawn call “selfies”) floating around the interwebs without their consent, Fox News has the perfect solution, as usual. Tell us what it is, Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy (he’s the blond one, we think): Read more on Fox Solves All Your Selfie Problems, Alaska Is REALLY Weird, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  world's most deliberative bodies

Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist

k to the g
On Wednesday, the New York Post published tidbits of what promises to be an entertaining and depressing new interview with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand in which she describes being called “fat” and told to work out more since she was getting “porky” by older male colleagues in the House and Senate. What’s not to love about being a female senator? It gets you membership in a very small and exclusive club within the world’s most deliberative body, plus all the free fitness tips and affirmative motivation you can tolerate on your wellness journey! Read more on Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist…
  things that make Charlie Pierce want to guzzle antifreeze part five trillion

Guy Who Convinced McCain To Pick Sarah Palin Thinks Barack Obama Is ‘Callow’

Rich Lowry, everybody. Famous for getting “starbursts” at the sight of Sarah Palin’s lizard lips, and for running away like Rand Paul from a fight with known-bruiser Al Franken. Now? He has penned a magnificent 347 words in Politico Magazine, charging one B. Barry Bamz with the high crime and misdemeanor of saying the words “stop just hatin’ all the time.” Read more on Guy Who Convinced McCain To Pick Sarah Palin Thinks Barack Obama Is ‘Callow’…
  the family that preys together stays together

Politico Helps Cheney Family Continues Their Spectacular Charm Offensive Tour

Politico, which is a publication we all still have to pretend isn’t just a retrograde mouthpiece for dickheads, gave human death’s head mask Dick Cheney, his bride of satan, Lynne, and his chip-off-the-old-demon Liz (the gay offspring wisely declined to attend) a lunchtime platform to spew some nonsense and hate about oh, so many things really. You have to hand it to the Cheney family. Their hatefulness is really really well-rounded. Read more on Politico Helps Cheney Family Continues Their Spectacular Charm Offensive Tour…
  dead gray lady

On Internet, A Shrieking Sh*tpile Of Emotional Feminist Hysteria At Totally Non-Sexist New York Times

The New York Times — the august pinnacle of American journalism and beginning headlines with prepositional phrases — has experienced a sad tsuris this week, as a bunch of mouthy broads started giving it a rash of shit just because it fired its top editor, and first woman in the role, in a manner usually reserved for the ex-girlfriends of Kim Jong Un. But it got more shit — demonstrably worse shit, in effect a scalding boiling stinking river of gastrointestinal distress — last night, as the New Yorker’s Ken Auletta printed some cold hard numbers a little birdie gave him. First the Times let its own reporters hang out their asses by repeating to them the seeming untruth that Jill Abramson’s pay was “comparable” to not only her predecessors in various posts at the paper but her own deputy, who in fact earned more than she; the reporters were reduced to interviewing Ken Auletta about his assertions that Abramson complaining about her pay gap was a contributing factor in her firing. Then a Times spokeswoman “conceded” to Mr. Auletta that Ms. Abramson’s lawyering up was seen as too testicular during a time when her bosses were already in a spot of bother over her unladylike ways. The Times spokeswoman immediately denied having “conceded” anything. She does not seem to have been fired yet. When she is, complaining about her pay will presumably not have been a contributing factor*. Read more on On Internet, A Shrieking Sh*tpile Of Emotional Feminist Hysteria At Totally Non-Sexist New York Times…