Tag: politico

Ivanka Trump Wants To Fight Climate Change, May Be Chinese Spy

Maybe she's Writing A Letter to Daddy.

How Is Donald Trump Poor Today?

Is Donald Trump lying to the tax assessors, or is he lying to us? Guess we will ever, ever know.

Old Handsome Joe Biden Might Be Hillary’s Secretary Of State, Which Would Be A Big F*ckin’ Deal!

SOURCES SAY Joe Biden is at the top of Hillary's short list for State. Make it so, Hillz!

We Figured Out Why Donald Trump Thinks He Is Worth Ten Billion Dollars

Wonket Investigative Journalism, or not.

Donald Trump’s Russian Buddies Probably So Excited About Trump’s First Classified Intelligence Briefing!

Could Trump's national security briefing end up leaking state secrets to Russia? MAYBE.

Whiny Wall Street Babies Preemptively So Mad At Vice President Elizabeth Warren

Anonymous hedge fund managers want to know: Why won't Elizabeth Warren stop breaking the economy?

Politico Writes Dumb Thing About Elizabeth Warren. Shall We Read It, Together?

Politico wrote a very dumb thing about the possibility that Elizabeth Warren may like Hillary Clinton. Imagine that!

Wingnuts Will Never Forgive Michelle Obama For Outlawing Bacon Sundaes In Schools

Michelle Obama, Queen First Lady of our hearts, has long cared deeply about America's obesity crisis, particularly among kids. How have right-wingers been dicks to her about it over the years? Let us count the ways. First, some quick backstory....

Fear And Loving In New Hampshire: Your Wonkebago Primary Wrap-Up!

It was supposed to be eight hours from our Pennsylvania rest stop to Nashua, New Hampshire. But 13 hours later, we were still driving, looping around looking for a freeway that wouldn't lop the top off our Wonkebago. We...
Smug and Smugger

Donald Trump Knows Who Gets Yooge, Classy Pussy, Tucker Carlson, And It Is Donald Trump

Dear Christ help us, Tucker Carlson has written a think-piece for Politico in which he sermonizes to "Washington Republicans" -- you know, the bad, Establishment kind, not the honest decent folk who read the Daily Caller -- about how...
I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH

Tom Cotton Screwing Up The One Good Thing Congress Might’ve Done This Year

Wow, it looks like Congress is actually going to accomplish something for once, on prison reform! Surely, no one can screw this one up for us, right? Ohhh, you sweet summer child. So who's here to rain on our happy...

BREAKING: Kim Davis Did NOT Say President Obama’s SOTU Speech Was ‘Good’

Attention, please! Important journalism update! As we all know, the most important news of the week -- if not the whole year or the whole EVER! -- is that Kim Davis, the gay-hatin' quadruple-married ex-whore-slash-clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky,...
It's the bloody tears that really make this one work

BREAKING: George Bush Kept Us Even Safer Than We Knew On 9/11!

Bad news for revisionist historians who have decided to Never Forget 9/11 by simply forgetting 9/11. Or saying Bill Clinton did it. Or insisting the first terrorist attack on a president's watch doesn't count. Or all of 'em, Katie. While George Gee Dubya was...
Warrior president.

Rick Santorum Beated Up Whoopi Goldberg And ISIS, Will Be Toughest President

Rick Santorum, whose polling throughout the primary season hasn't risen higher than Rick Santorum's dick when he discovers sexts from his wife's hot abortion doctor ex-boyfriend, has sent out a fundraising email. No, we do not know how the Washington...
Good job, Dubya

Congratulations, George W. Bush, Half The Country Doesn’t Hate You Anymore!

At last, some good news for America's worst president ever. Not every single person in the country who isn't related to him or collecting a paycheck from Fox News still spends much time thinking about how much George W....
Eat my Lycra bike shorts...which I have the sense not to wear near a photographer

Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!

As you may have heard, Secretary of State John Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycle accident Sunday, and had to stay in a hospital overnight. Ah, but that accident happened in the snotty French country of France, while...