Tag Archives: policy

  Party Like It's 1999

Centrist ‘Democrats’ Unveil Bold ‘Plan’ To Stop That Commie Elizabeth Warren

See, 'cuz the cow is straddl-- Never mind.
Since its founding in 1997, the New Democrat Coalition (NDC) has been a safe space for liberals¬†who consider themselves “conservative-curious.” For 18 years, these¬†still-finding-themselves Dems remained silent about their true desires. But this week, they finally came out and said what everyone knew they wanted to say. Read more on Centrist ‘Democrats’ Unveil Bold ‘Plan’ To Stop That Commie Elizabeth Warren…
  very serious people

Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway

Listen you guys. We know that you were looking forward to retiring at 67, but we just can’t have that because if we do, Iran will get a nuclear weapon and blow us up. This is the ACTUAL ARGUMENT that “Security Analyst” Robert Kagan is making in the Washington Post, so do not laugh (yet) because this is apparently not meant to be funny. It is meant to be a Serious plea for us stupid liberals to be reasonable and compromise with John Boehner in the upcoming “fiscal cliff” negotiations, because if we don’t, Iranians will come kill us and it will be ALL OUR FAULT for refusing to eat cat food and to continue working till we are dead. Read more on Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway…
  kill kill kill

House Republicans Aching To Destroy Another Useful Thing, The ACS

The House passed an amendment Wednesday night to get rid of the American Community Survey entirely, on Privacy Grounds. Oh, god, you can hear them through your windows probably, fapping about their privacy. The ACS is a mandatory survey with 48 questions that a few hundred thousand people are chosen to fill out each month. The numbers are used to determine federal spending allocations based on changing demographics and consumption trends and whatnot. It is Helpful. There’s a fine if you don’t fill it out, although the enforcement there is lenient. But since some of the questions ask you about what kind of toilet you have and stuff, this gives Republicans an excuse to say Democrats are watching you poop and so we need to destroy another program. They say it’s “Orwellian.” (Ha ha, that’s from the Weekly Standard, which exists mostly to push through privacy-crushing surveillance bills and make sure as many people as possible are killed and tortured for no reason.) Read more on House Republicans Aching To Destroy Another Useful Thing, The ACS…
  the things george will doesn't find sexy

Obama To Call For Budget Freeze, End To Earmarks In Boring Speech

What will be overshadowed by the soaring rhetoric in tonight’s State of the Union speech? Nothing too interesting. Obama will be calling for a freeze on spending for five years and a ban on earmarks. In other words, the only things Republicans seem to care about passing these days, besides that single pointless bill against health care (DONE!). Last year, Obama promised the same freeze, but that one was for three years. (It didn’t happen. Surprise! But maybe it will happen now, if people remember that our country has no economy.) He’s basically just giving up on policy and shifting back to the campaign mode people love, the Obama who said a bunch of really great-sounding stuff that didn’t mean much in terms of actual governance of the country. Read more on Obama To Call For Budget Freeze, End To Earmarks In Boring Speech…
  good luck getting a 'real' teevee news job!

BUSTED: Jon Stewart Caught Talking With Tim Geithner About ‘Policy’

After carefully inspecting “the Treasury Secretary’s calendar,” Bloomberg News has revealed that Tim Geithner had a top-secret meeting with teevee comic Jon Stewart. What could this mean, besides “Tim Geithner probably doesn’t put ‘secret’ meetings on his calendar”? Brace yourself: Read more on BUSTED: Jon Stewart Caught Talking With Tim Geithner About ‘Policy’…
  good ways to shore up your base

Robert Gibbs To Order Mandatory Government Drug Testing For Libruls Who Criticize White House

The Obama administration is sick of libruls such as Rachel Maddow who dare CRITICIZE them, the librul political party’s presidential administration, when they fail to do important librul things. “I hear these people saying he’s like George Bush. Those people ought to be drug tested,” Robert Gibbs said. (But he is like George Bush, because he lives in the same house and has the same job and also calls himself “President.”) Why are the “professional left” not in lock-step with their dear leader? Isn’t there a chemical that makes you oppose gay marriage and support Guantanamo Bay that Robert Gibbs can inject people with when he’s checking them for teh drugz? Read more on Robert Gibbs To Order Mandatory Government Drug Testing For Libruls Who Criticize White House…
  rhetorical strategies

Healthcare Themes To Become Loftier, Hopier

Here is your daily White House Healthcare Messaging Update! Having failed at the whole “talk to insured voters about what’s in it for them” approach, various strategists and advisors are now telling the Obama administration to talk about “morals” instead. Good luck with that! Read more on Healthcare Themes To Become Loftier, Hopier…
  small plates

Dining With a Napoleon Complex

For whatever reason, the phenomenon of eating multiple small plate dishes (also know as tapas) as a meal has taken over dining in the District. There are some food trends that we moderately enjoy: Cupcakes, we can deal with those. Wine bars, they work for impressing dates and for the wining and dining of summer associates from big law firms (lucky bitches). And we can even deal with the influx of fro-yo shops. But this fascination with small plates is just beyond us. Either the city is (not so) subtly trying to convince everyone to be anorexic, or someone needs to come up with a new, more filling, and less expensive food trend, fast. Read more on Dining With a Napoleon Complex…
  busybodies

Michelle Obama Just Hillary Clinton Minus Pantsuit

Ohhhh the nerve. The new First Lady, having spent two years giving lengthy policy speeches on the campaign trail in support of her husband, is apparently now giving lengthy policy speeches again. This is highly inappropriate behavior for a lawyer and former executive who now finds herself jobless due to her husband running America. Read more on Michelle Obama Just Hillary Clinton Minus Pantsuit…
  policy lightweights

Every Newspaper On Earth Says John McCain Is An Idiot

Oh good God what is going on today? Pretty much every publication in the country has a big article about how John McCain — the guy who just attacked Barack Obama for being all style and no substance — knows literally nothing about anything, and just blurts out a random arrangement of words whenever he’s asked about foreign or domestic policy. As a consequence, he comes off sounding underinformed and not terribly interested in the details of governance, not to mention possibly senile and a little bit retarded. Read more on Every Newspaper On Earth Says John McCain Is An Idiot…
 

Obama Opens Transcendant National Conversation On The Economy

Barack Obama addressed a packed crowd at Cooper Union today in order to address head on a very difficult subject for most Americans: the economy. It’s a sore point, a source of lingering bitterness, resentment, and misunderstanding for many; and St. Barack of Obama has taken it upon himself to clear the air once and for all by addressing the American people as adults. Read more on Obama Opens Transcendant National Conversation On The Economy…
 

Bureaucratic Smackdown!

It’s a former CIA analyst going toe-to-toe with the Executive Branch! Pillar’s got the folding chair of careerism and he’s smashing it right on the the administration’s shoulders of ideological zealotry! Read more on Bureaucratic Smackdown!…