Tag Archives: police

  the apocalypse starts right here right now

Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup

The South Gon’ Rise Again (in a not-racist way this time, honest)
Greeting, Wonketteers. Are you ready to take a well-deserved break from your buttsechs gay marriage orgies and sojourn with me down to Your Very Favorite Land of Snakes and Swamps, a dystopian hellscape that not even Wes Anderson could make adorable? Sure you are! Let’s get to it. Read more on Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup…
  This is DEFINITELY not racial transcendence

Charming Fella Just Needs $1 Million To Run Blacks Out Of Texas

Racist hero o' the day
America, please give a friendly Texas-sized “Howdy!” to your new racist wingnut hero of the moment, Dr. Rich Kent. He is not really a doctor, in the went-to-medical-school sense, but according to a video he posted on Facebook, “America needs a doctor, and I am him. I will cut this cancer out of America personally.” And what is this cancer of which he speaks? Al Sharpton, the Black Panthers, Baltimore, Ferguson, and anyone else who engages in “this race-baiting, just crap nonsense that’s been going on.” Read more on Charming Fella Just Needs $1 Million To Run Blacks Out Of Texas…
  Excessive Farce

SWAT Team Probably Had Very Good Reasons For Blowing Colorado House All To Hell

Shit happens, you know?
Police in Greenwood Village, Colorado, got the chance to try out some of their more advanced tactical toys last Wednesday as they brought a 20-hour standoff with an armed shoplifter to an exciting close in a barrage of flash-bang grenades, “chemical agents” — napalm, we’re guessing — and a “breaching ram” that left a suburban two-story home looking like something out of Fallujah, only less dusty maybe. We just want to know one thing: Were the cops listening to “Ride of the Valykyries” or the end of the “1812 Overture”? Read more on SWAT Team Probably Had Very Good Reasons For Blowing Colorado House All To Hell…
  To Protect And...Who Are We Kidding?

Hero Cop Protects Texas From Black Teenagers At Pool Party

He'd have felt a lot safer with a tank for backup
Friday was just another day in post-racial America, with a bunch of cops descending on a disturbance at a pool party in McKinney Texas and handcuffing a whole bunch of black kids who may mostly have been bystanders. One officer has been placed on leave after a YouTube Video showed him throwing a 15-year-old girl to the ground, pulling his gun on two male youths who approached, then pushing the girl’s face into the grass and kneeling on her back after some unknown provocation — probably being mouthy and not one of the white kids who “belonged” in the neighborhood. Happily, for a change, nobody’s dead or even shot, so there’s that. Read more on Hero Cop Protects Texas From Black Teenagers At Pool Party…
  The Tree Of Liberty Doesn't Need This Much Bullshit

Texas ‘Open Carry’ Loon Ready To Start Executing Lawmakers, Because Freedom Is Why

Fact: The Intenet has as many anime gun girls as Texas has open carry advocates
The bill to allow licensed open carry of handguns in Texas wasn’t slowed down a bit by the shootout in Waco, but it has hit a bit of a roadblock in the state legislature — police groups are lobbying to kill a clause that would prohibit cops from asking to see someone’s license — and so it’s just possible that the bill might not pass before the legislative session ends on June 1. Well, by god, Texas Open Carry advocate Kory Watkins has had just about enough of the Texas legislature’s stomping all over the Constitution of the United States, so he’s calling for some executions. Read more on Texas ‘Open Carry’ Loon Ready To Start Executing Lawmakers, Because Freedom Is Why…
  Department Of Predictable Outcomes

Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why

Was Zimmerman targeted for Loving Freedom Too Much?
In breaking “Everyone saw This Coming” news, we learn that Second Amendment Hero George Zimmerman suffered minor injuries in a shooting incident Monday afternoon in Lake Mary, Florida. Lake Mary Police Chief Steve Bracknell said that Zimmerman was not badly hurt in the incident, which apparently involved Zimmerman and one other man. News video shot from a helicopter showed a bullet hole in the passenger-side window of Zimmerman’s pickup. Read more on Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why…
  Bill O'Reilly is doing field reporting now?

Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind

Doy doy doy doy doy
Journalism-ing is tough! You try to get it right, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you fuck up. Like you misspell the name of Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei (we did that the other day, doy!), or you report that you witnessed a black man getting shot by police in Baltimore, when what you actually witnessed was a black man NOT getting shot by the police! Fox News made this age-old mistake Monday, of seeing a man running and immediately breaking into a national newscast to report that the man had been gunned down by police, without first checking to see if the man had been gunned down at all. Oops! This is why we have editors, GUYS! Read more on Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind…
  This again

Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People

The city of Baltimore is enraged this week, after the arrest and subsequent suspicious death of a young African-American man name Freddie Gray, while he was in police custody. Details are hazy at this point as to what exactly happened, but this is what we know. Baltimore cops were patrolling on bikes in an area that was “known for drug dealing,” and Gray ran away from them. By the time they caught up to Gray and arrested him, as can be seen in video footage, he was shouting that he was in pain, and a bystander yells that his leg is broken. A witness, Kevin Moore, stated that the police “folded Gray like ‘origami’,” and added that “[t]he officer had their knee in his neck. And he was just screaming — screaming for life. He couldn’t breathe. He needed an asthma pump, which he let them know … They ignored it.” Read more on Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People…
  Let's Not Jump To Any Conclusions

We Are Sure Entire Missouri Town Had Good Non-Racist Reason For Quitting When Black Lady Elected Mayor

We can see why she'd cause 'safety concerns'
Here’s a fun little political fuck-tussle: In the town of Parma, Missouri (population 713 and reportedly declining), five of the six members of the town’s police department resigned, as did several city officials, just before the town’s first black woman mayor took office last week. Mayor Tyrus Byrd won a recent election by 37 votes against the previous mayor, Randall Ramsey, who had served for a total of 37 years, and apparently the previous administration was just really, really loyal to Randall. Read more on We Are Sure Entire Missouri Town Had Good Non-Racist Reason For Quitting When Black Lady Elected Mayor…
  Truther Dare

Sandy Hook ‘Truther’ Arrested Just For Harassing Sandy Hook School Staff. How Is That Even Fair?

Wait, you mean repeatedly calling a school and asking them why they faked a massacre is a crime? Who knew?
The New World Order Reptilian Overlords claimed another victim last week as brave Sandy Hook ‘Truther” Timothy Rogalski was arrested Tuesday after leaving several harassing phone messages at the school’s temporary new location in Monroe, Connecticut, accusing staff of complicity in making up the murder of 20 children and six staff on December 14, 2012. He later called back and spoke directly to an administrative assistant; police traced the calls to Rogalski’s home. So much for Free Speach in Obama’s America! Read more on Sandy Hook ‘Truther’ Arrested Just For Harassing Sandy Hook School Staff. How Is That Even Fair?…
  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably

Funny, not one working microphone, either.
Surprising news from Michigan: On Jan. 28, police in the Detroit suburb of Inkster were caught on dashcam dragging an African American man from his car, putting him in a chokehold, then repeatedly beating and tasering him because, they say, he was resisting arrest. We were surprised to learn that there’s a Detroit suburb named “Inkster.” Read more on Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably…
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening. Read more on Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord…
  Make Your Own Billy Club Joke

Wingnut Matt Barber Will Not Be Anti-Gay-Bashed By Armed ‘LGBT Squads’!

They're definitely coming, but not for Matt.
Sometimes we feel a little bad for wingnut’s Wingnut Matt Barber, who spends so much of his time obsessing about the Gays (and the threat they pose to America) that we figure he must be exhausted by quitting time every day. Simply fagged out! His latest rant suggests that perhaps he’s getting a little desperate for material, warning that America faces a whole new danger: scary gangs of armed gay thugs, empowered by the state to make everyone submit to gayness! Read more on Wingnut Matt Barber Will Not Be Anti-Gay-Bashed By Armed ‘LGBT Squads’!…
  Madison Heights MI Safe From Tyranny -- For Now

‘You Work for ME!’ Open Carry Loon Yells At Police, Exercising Right To Be Tedious A**hole

Public servants serving the public
Via Moms Demand Action comes this proud Open Carry activist “Nunya Beeswax,” who posted a FOUR-PART YouTube video documenting a recent Open Carry walk that Mr. Beeswax took around his Michigan neighborhood. He is the very model of a free man who knows his rights, which include the Right to Bear Arms, the Right to Free Speech, the Right to Bear Arms while Speaking Freely, and the Right To Be An Insufferable Prick Toward Police Officers Because He Is A Free Man And They Are Jackbooted Thugs who are supposed to work for WE THE PEOPLE. Read more on ‘You Work for ME!’ Open Carry Loon Yells At Police, Exercising Right To Be Tedious A**hole…
  sure fine whatever

Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?

More guns just means more freedom
We are simple, trusting folk, so when people tell us they want to liberalize gun laws out of fealty to the Constitution and a love of personal freedom, we totally buy it. So thoroughly guileless are we that we don’t even question their motives when a number of them have criminal records that put them afoul of the laws they’re trying to repeal, as is the case in Texas. So what, a petty criminal can’t love freedom too? Read more on Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?…
 

How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup

The face of evil, basically
Florida? Floriduh, am I right? (I am right.) Greeting, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, aka everyone’s favorite phallus, aka America’s after-school special, home to Viagra-fueled, syphilitic octogenarians and Midwest transplants and New York Jews and Cuban ex-pats and megachurches and Key West buttsexxxers and hanging chads and gun-toting rednecks and snowbirds and face-eating zombie men and maybe-rapey sportsball stars and failing schools and theme parks and charlatans and beaches and George-motherfucking-Zimmerman, all governed by a twice-elected con artist who looks like this guy and wants to be this guy. Read more on How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup…
  We Just Like Saying 'Quinnipiac'

NYPD Making Friends And Influencing People, Except The Opposite Of That

Not actual NYPD officers
New York cops may want to rethink whether they were making friends and influencing people when they turned their backs on Mayor Bill de Blasio at funerals of two murdered NYPD officers. A new Quinnipiac University poll of New York City voters found that on the whole, people disapproved of the act by a margin of 69-27 percent. Only one demographic category approved, and just barely: Republicans were cool with it, 51-47 percent. Even cop-friendly Staten Island residents disapproved, although by the narrowest margin of any borough, with 50 percent disapproving and 47 percent approving. Read more on NYPD Making Friends And Influencing People, Except The Opposite Of That…
  Meet The Neighbors

Boston Cop Calls Guy ‘N-Word,’ Beats Uber Driver, Steals His Car. Because ‘Boston’

Image via WBZ-TV video Early Sunday morning, a Boston police officer used an everyday occurrence, an Uber ride home in the wee hours, to help his department advance its community relations with a groundbreaking new strategy: meet with members of racial minorities, then insult and beat them. Read more on Boston Cop Calls Guy ‘N-Word,’ Beats Uber Driver, Steals His Car. Because ‘Boston’…