Wonkette

Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne announced on Wednesday that the Polar Bear would be put on the Threatened Species list, because all the ice has melted and that’s where the Polar Bear lives, on a piece of ice. Also, these comical Polar Bears actually attended Kempthorne’s press conference in Washington. See, they really have no place to go now! [AP Photo]

Rejoice, polar bears! The United States Department of the Interior just announced that the number one source of cute white bears in the world — arctic polar bears — will be designated a threatened species because of the Global Warming, which the Republicans are going to fix because John McCain remembers how tough things were during the last Ice Age. MORE »

Iraq War protester-hippies poured red paint on the sidewalk outside of an Army recruitment office today. When a recruiter — who, along with his colleagues, was counter-protesting — noticed the spill, he asked some hippies what impact pouring red paint on the sidewalk has on the war. One hippie responded along the lines of, “It’s the blood of foreign countries that you’ve spilled.” The recruiter responded with something about bringing peace to the Middle East. This really happened. They each went their own ways after a minute or so — the hippie back to his hippie mob which was chanting “fuck the war!”; the recruiter back to his Army friends who were responding with “win the war!” (although it might have been “bring the war!” which is, well, terrible). Between these two groups was a puddle of red paint on the sidewalk, claiming naive pedestrians one-by-one.

Worst protest in the history of protests. Our last pictures are below, so you can see for yourself. MORE »

Hurrah, Wonkette made a movie! We went to D.C.’s McPherson Square, which has been overrun by lefty protest group Code Pink. They have tents and will probably live there forever, because of the Subprimes. Combine the lameness of Washington D.C. with a vague, day-long protest and there’s only one possible result: a big lady, an old beardy man and a polar bear dancing to a Rage Against The Machine cover band. The Iraq War will have no choice but to stop immediately. More photos and videos from “on the ground” coming shortly! [YouTube]

Wonkette Operative “Trey” reports live from the action: “Protesters had closed off the intersection at 14th & K, putting police style yellow tape between the stop lights, dancing around with polar bear outfits and shitty music, assaulting random businessmen and drawing chalk graffiti all across the intersection.”

More eyewitness craziness after the jump! MORE »

Knut the Polar Bear celebrated his first birthday today at the Berlin Zoo. They gave him a wooden candle, fruits and veggies to celebrate while they sold slices of cake to visitors. We were going to snark about needing polar bears to thrive in captivity so our children and grandchildren can see them after global warming destroys all their natural habitat, blah, blah, blah, but, really, we just needed to see something cute this afternoon. [Yahoo News]

A family of scientifically advanced, bipedal polar bears migrated from the North Pole yesterday to participate in an adorable dance-off outside of the Capitol. And by dance-off we mean, in the WP’s words, “demonstration intended to voice a broad list of complaints about global warming, war and sexism.” The savvy beasts joined a full-size Condoleezza Rice bobblehead doll and many well-wishing humans in a rally vaguely related to the “October rebellion.” That’s the one in which a bunch of anti-neo-liberal ‘bags attacked Georgetown last Friday, and where some chick got hit in the face with a brick.

Watch the cuddly bears dance and sing about the military-industrial complex, honey pots and so forth in the video above. After the jump, watch these same cuddly bears get arrested by stupid meanie cops!! MORE »

If you see a disheveled teen-aged panda around Union Station, stinking of urine and crack fumes, that’s the once-popular Butterstick. Everybody knows babies don’t stay “adorable” for long, but the burn rate is even faster for our animal friends because they live “dog years” or something. And there’s always a new, younger, cuter animal ready to take the title of World’s Most Adorable Critter. MORE »