• RUSH LIMBAUGH SCOOP: OBAMA WILL POISON YOUR ANUS: Gordon Brown if you are out there on the Internet we must pass along Rush Limbaugh’s very important safety warning about the dangers of poison anal fucking: “But the slobbering [over Barack Obama], the slobbering… this guy, folks I’m telling ya, if he keeps this up throughout the G20, Gordon Brown will come down with anal poisoning and may die from it.” Maybe he can walk us through the mechanics of this on tomorrow’s show. [HuffPo]

The Pentagon lied again today, saying the operation to nuke the poisonous satellite of death “appears to have succeeded in destroying a tank filled with toxic rocket fuel.” Well whoop-de-doo, because this threat is far from over: “Most of the debris, the statement said, already re-entered the atmosphere or would within coming weeks.” MORE »

As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time? MORE »

Former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko is claiming victory in Sunday’s national elections (in Ukraine) and the Orange Revolution blah blah blah oh my god she is still smoking hot. She’s kind of goth and habitually wears this weird “crown of hair” hairstyle — known locally as the “Yulia,” which means her name in Ukrainian — but we still support Ms. Tymoshenko as the world’s finest PMILF.

Her beauty is yet another tragic example of what experts call “The Slavic Curse,” in which all the women are impossible babes and all the men look like Yeltsin, and even the rare handsome politician is immediately poisoned to make him look like this. Anyway, good luck with whatever your party stands for, Yulia!

Opposition Claims Victory in Ukraine [NYT]

Today’s installment in the Post’s “Everything You Knew About Dick Cheney (But Would Be Disappeared For Investigating)” series is all about, well, Christine Todd Whitman. It’s remarkable that a former Republican governor of New Jersey — we’re talking about Christine “Breathe Deep at Ground Zero, Kids, Good Ol’ American Know-How Will Clean the Asbestos Off Your Lungs” Whitman here — comes off looking like a model steward of the environment, but we’re comparing her to Dick Cheney, a man who tries to interpret the Clean Air Act as a call for the government to destroy the moon. MORE »

Yesterday: MORE »

FDA vet chief Stephen F. Sundlof announced this morning that imported “wheat gluten” poisoned with melamine is what’s killing American dogs and cats and generally driving people crazy. The goop is imported from a Chinese factory and then shipped to Canada, and mushed up with god knows what at some factory in Ontario (and then in Kansas!) before being packaged in a thousand different labels — from expensive boutique brands to Wal-Mart generic — and sold all over North America. MORE »

* Bush plans to reject the findings of the Iraq Study Group, for spite. [Law and Politics]
* “Click here to add ultra deadly radioactive poison Polonium-210 to your cart.” [Defense Tech]
* New Bush appointee at the Justice Department’s Office of Violence Against Women is unconcerned with violence against women, does want to take your bongs and porn. [Feministing]
* Of “The five most powerful people in America over the next eighteen months,” only one has ever been the “fourth male lead” in Death to Smoochy. [Robert Reich]
* Giant “Republican Rubberstamp Congress” prop to be retired in whatever hilarious fashion you can think up. [Firedoglake]
* The Associated Press’ “Iraqi Police” source in Baghdad turns out to be a “Just Some Crazy Guy” source. [LGF]
* It’s not just Bush, Jim “Problem With Authority” Webb can’t stand Bill Clinton either. [Powerline Blog]

The worst assassination attempt in Washington history happened last year when some old nut in Connecticutt — not Lieberman — mailed home-baked Rat Poison Cookies to each justice. MORE »

The Associated Press reports the Colin Powell took ill last night, and totally, totally by coincidence and not related in any way whatsoever, honestly, he had just enjoyed dinner with Bill Clinton:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell was briefly hospitalized early Friday after he fell ill at a restaurant where he was dining with former President Clinton and others, police said. MORE »