In the ninth circle of Hell, just between the usurers and the winged demon Satan flapping his wings in that frozen pond, lies a self-important little coffee house full of nerds who vote on each other’s poetry, which is universally awful. The Obamas will bring a slice of this Hell to their own home tonight, when they host the first-ever White House Poetry Slam. Why does Barack Obama hate America so much? MORE »

Here is a true story about poets: they are all a bunch of whining pussies, except for Jane Kenyon, Robert Frost, and the two guys who played the precogs in Minority Report. When JFK asked Robert Frost to read a poem at his swearing-in, Robert Frost wrote a poem specifically for the purpose and then when he couldn’t read it, on account of being a million years old and all of the terrible howling winds, he just cold recited another poem of his, from memory. Then the strapping 86-year-old walked 500 miles uphill in the snow to get home, because he was Robert Fucking Frost. MORE »

BARRY OBAMA’S RACIST POETRY: “Under water grottos, caverns/ Filled with apes/ That eat figs./ Stepping on the figs/ That the apes/ Eat, they crunch./ The apes howl, bare/ Their fangs, dance,/ Tumble in the/ Rushing water,/ Musty, wet pelts/ Glistening in the blue.” [SF Gate]

* “I’ve never paid for sex (only because I didn’t know where to find it when I was 15), but in the marketplace, I assume $300 gets you the Ferrari, or at least the Corvette. But the questions remain: What does a $300-an-hour prostitute look like? What do you get for the money? Is there a charge by the minute?” [City Desk]
* “I’m gonna ride that clock like a pony.” [Eavesdrop DC]
* “Somebody please get Christopher Hitchens a hip flask. The poor man was taking slugs from one of those little mini bottles of what looked like vodka. It was pretty clear that he desperately wanted to take a bigger belt from the bottle but had to pace himself because of its small size.” [Scribbles and Scoundrels]
* A poem for Dunkin Donuts Megan. [Craigslist]

* “And our men try to subdue it / they jump on its back / like overripe plums falling from trees / to tame the horse of the planet.” [City Desk]
* Why don’t you just walk all the way to the Alternative Transportation Fair, hippie? [CommuterPageBlog]
* Queen Elizabeth: once our oppressor, now our friend. [Yahoo News]
* Ian MacKaye hears dead people. [Idolater]
* “To whoever has our trash cans: I hope you enjoy them. I hope, very soon, you accidentally place something very dear to you in one of them. I hope you then realize that you’ve done this about an hour after the bins are picked up.” [From Harvard Street]
* Hey guys, New Intern #1 did this post! [gregwasserstrom.com]

* Don’t forget, starting January 1 no more indentured servants in New Hampshire. [Washington Wire]
* Traditional children’s Christmas poem reimagined, with skinny kid instead of little round belly. [Hotline on Call]
* Bill O’Reilly has fond memories of all the things Liberace had. [Media Matters]
* Guys who think legalized abortion stops criminals before they happen really like Tom DeLay’s blog. [Freakonomics]
* If Christopher Dodd actually believes hiring Kerry’s ‘04 campaign manager will win him the nomination, he’s not winning the nomination. [The Swamp]
* Death of Turkmeni dictator could allow for new American military base near the Iranian border, so that’s convenient. [Think Progress, The Economist]
* Jimmy Carter not racist, just baby racist, diet racist, racist light — like a racist drink with too many ice cubes. [The Volokh Conspiracy]
* The skeleton in Bill Richardson’s closet wears a blue dress. [Wizbang Politcs]

* Ever influential DC Area Film Critics Association gives Best Film honor to United 93. Come on guys. Christmas is coming. [DCist]
* Holiday Market begins today 7th and F streets, NW. Buy some crap for your relatives, but don’t come crawling back to us when they hate it. [Gallery Place Living]
* Sad news: the Cerulean Warbler (Red Sage) rejected from the Endangered Species Act (Penn Quarter). [DC Audubon Society]
* “Effective 12/01/2006, it is against the law to pass a metro bus stopped at the bus-stop near a corner and to make a right turn. You must wait behind the bus until it moves, if you need to make a right turn.” [bloomingdale]
* This guy calls himself a rapist, writes a little poetry: “During sex, all the power belongs to the male because he controls the speed, tempo, force, and rhythm…” [Roosh V]
* You are a creative bunch today — this gal destroys Duchamp & friends with a box of crayons and a thesaurus. [In the Gutter]

• Lisa Marie Presley performs an exorcism at the Birchmere. She is assisted by Ryan Cabrera. $45 at 7:30PM. [Birchmere]
• Poetry Bus Tour at the Big Hunt. This bus of poets is stopping at 50 cities in 50 days. Some locals are invited to join them for each night’s reading. Tonight’s includes Matthew Zapruder, Rod Smith and Cole Swensen, among others. $5 suggested at 7PM. [Poetry Bus Tour]
• Ian Buruma discusses Murder in Amsterdam at Politics & Prose. This much-hyped book is about the murder of filmmaker Theo Van Gogh by a Dutch-born Islamist in 2004. So Hitch will probably be there. [P&P]

Friday

• 25th Annual SEC Capital Kickoff at City Tavern Club. $30 at 9PM. Because it’s the future, no tickets sold at the door. [Mollyguard]

• Shortstack, Brandon Butler, Revival, These United States, Vandaveer, John Bustine $10 at 9PM. [Rock and Roll Hotel]
• The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour from 1967 with Mickey Rooney, Bette Davis and The Who. Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In from 1970 with Danny Kaye. Free at 7PM. LOC. [LOC]

Saturday

• Bliss 6th Anniversary Party at the Black Cat. Georgie James to entertain and stimulate. $10 at 9:30PM. [Black Cat]

• Chuck Brown at 9:30 Club. You know, “I Need Some Money.” $25. Just tell ‘em you “have a 9:30 to catch” [9:30]
• Guided educational day trip: “Follow the route of the Confederates’ 17-mile-long wagon train carrying the wounded. Included is the site of fighting that took place at Fairfield, where the Confederates routed the 6th U.S. Cavalry, as well as Monterey Pass, Hagerstown, and Funkstown.” Eat lunch at the Cashtown Inn. Say hi to George Allen. 7AM. [Smithsonian]
• Snake Apt, Pissed Jeans, Navies and Manhunter at the Warehouse. 8:30PM. [WND]

Sunday

• “National Small Works” at the Washington Printmakers Gallery. 12PM- 5PM. [Washington Printmakers Gallery]

• 2nd Annual DC Poetry Festival with Brian Jackson and Original Guerilla Band Breeze, Aqiyl, Charneice Fox,
  Anisley Burrows, Humza, Brother Earl, Shakespeare Blak, Leroy Stringer, Jr., Tim’m West Steven B and Friends. Not sure who any of these poets are, but you can de-regret your Saturday night by sitting outside, clapping. Carter Barron Amphitheater. Free at 1PM. [Carter Barron]