And you thought it was hard being an old person! Imagine being an innocent jet, of either the fighter or the passenger variety. You would be completely penniless, thanks to a pack of flightless bipeds in the United States Congress. MORE »

• MAYBE JUST STOP FLYING ON PLANES FOR A WHILE: “A passenger plane carrying 168 people smashed into the ground in northwestern Iran Wednesday, killing everyone on board and creating a huge smoldering crater.” [CNN]

JESUS CHRIST Republicans get away with everything when it comes to Warring, hmm? Barack Obama and Bob Gates raised defense spending by 4%, or $20 billion, for the new budget, but made cuts to missile defense programs — that would exist only so Sarah Palin could pretend that she’s shooting down Putin’s flying dick from outer space — and killed $140 billion in F-22 RAPTOR DEATH PLANE contractor looting schemes. The “new money” will be focused on Iraq and Afghanistan. And yet this has all been parlayed rather easily, on the teevee, into, “Why is Barack Obama not giving the Pentagon a single dollar, and why does he want to lose more wars?” [Washington Monthly, TPM]

Yesterday, Barack Obama almost died in a fiery plane crash above lovely St. Louis, and you know what, it’s his own fault. Thought experiment: imagine you are a Jew. If, as a Jew, you are borrowing a car, you wouldn’t borrow it from Adolf Hitler, right? It would probably have a bomb set to the ignition (Hitler famously disliked the Jews). With that in mind: “This was not Obama’s regular campaign plane, which is being overhauled. It was a loaner, having previously been used by Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY.” When will dumb old Barack Obama realize that Hillary Clinton is actively trying to kill him? [ABC News]

He’s got most of the money remaining in the U.S. economy, and yet. Barack Obama’s plane, a rickety old hackjob called an “MD-80 Midwest charter,” was going to crash into a World Trade Center today en route from Chicago to Charlotte — it was just that broken! Alas, his terrible pilots were forced to make an emergency landing in Missouri. Hey, Missouri… that’s one of those whatchamacallits… border states… slave states… oh that’s right, it’s a swing state. What a fortuitous terrorist crash landing! MORE »

How did Hillary Clinton, who’s been locked in her Washington home on a barbiturate bender for the last 48 hours with the press clamoring at the gates, and Barack Obama, who commands an even larger, consolidated national press corps now, manage to meet privately (for hot bottled water) at that senator gal’s house last night? Easy! An unmarked van sneaked into Hillary’s side entrance (natch) and kidnapped her, while Obama took his reporters to the airport, locked them on a plane, and drove hastily to the meeting, where he violently ripped the duct tape from Hillary’s mouth and put her through bamboo-under-the-fingernails torture. And the press missed it! MORE »

If Hillary Clinton does not become president, according to her new ad “Freefall,” you will plummet from 15,000 feet into the hard, frozen soil of the Siberian winter, where malicious Asian yak will rape and eat you and your family’s splattered remains, forever. But if she does become president, the economy will give everyone millions of dollars! Well, she probably has to play the “I know the economy” card as much as possible, and she’s… doing that. [YouTube]

Barack Obama’s plane got lost and landed at the wrong airport last night. It was supposed to land in Cedar Rapids but landed in Des Moines. Again: Barack Obama’s plane got lost and landed at the wrong airport last night. [CNN]