While all you libtards were just drunkenly having sex last November to create the new army of Kenyan Obama Babies to be born fully formed in His Image this summer, important conservative academics at our nation’s better think tanks were boldly thinking about ways to kill African Sea Pirates with laser weapons. [Heritage.org via Alex Pareene's gchat status]

The first thing wrong with this video is it shows a mixed-race couple, which must still be illegal somewhere in the “Real America,” maybe Alabama or Texas? But the rest teaches our children a valuable lesson about why they can’t have nice things: Because that’s socialist! So if you want to go to the beach, try the “American way” and earn millions of dollars, and buy some beachfront property, and shoot any mixed-race couples you catch trying to use your beach, the end. [YouTube via Wonkette tipster Curt]

While we do not condone presidential participation in the idiot follies of the White House Correspondents Association Dinner, which should end each year with the detonation of a dozen limo bombs, we have not run any photos this year of the president having diplomatic talks with a comical pirate, so here it is. [Pete Souza/White House]

Impossibly enough, this post isn’t about teabag protests but is about Ron Paul. That’s right, you guessed it, it is instead about whether Congress should distribute “letters of marque and reprisal” to stop pirates and stuff. This is one of those old-timey things that, to people in 1789, was a pretty clutch inclusion in the Constitution — kind of like assigning an accurate fractional electoral value to slaves. Ron Paul wants Congress to start using this power to send forth Privateers to the high seas. Back in the halcyon days of Mercantilism, the king or queen or dauphin would send private aristocratic warships out to sea to steal other countries’ ships and their booty, for Royal Profit. Sometimes those victimized countries would get so upset that they might retaliate with, say, A SPANISH ARMADA. This is all Ron Paul wants now, and that’s why he can’t have it. [TPM]

Yesterday Jonah Goldberg committed the surf ‘n’ turf of Republican sins: (1) he posted something on The Corner on Easter Sunday, so Jesus will probably have to kill him, and (2) what he posted was praise for Barack Obama, the noted communist! Now he is being attacked by some readers and more importantly Rush Limbaugh, who is HUNGWY. MORE »

Over Easter weekend while the rest of America was busy gaining 10 pounds eating ham and Peeps, President Obama occupied himself authorizing military action that left three Somali pirates dead and one kidnapped American captain alive. This feat of daring means that nobody can call Obama a pussy anymore. MORE »

This American president, he has fleets of destroyers and an army of fearsome AT-AT walkers at his disposal and still he cannot contend with a very organized band of Africans trolling the waters off the Somalian coast. What gives, Obama? Why do you love pirates so much? MORE »

Once upon a time when people played poker and they came across somebody who lost very large and predictable amounts at the table, other players would say, “I’d like to get you on a slow boat to China,” so that this loser could continue to shed large amounts of cash for a long period of time. You see how this all relates to the prolonged and expensive death of the McCain campaign? Good. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon

Say, have you heard that all boundaries between high and low art have been blurred? It’s true, supposedly! That’s why comic books written for socially maladjusted children are now being turned into critic-friendly movies, and famous paintings are being transformed into dopey kitsch. Is there any kind of art that it’s still legitimate to mock and deride? Why, political cartoons, of course! Join in the hate, after the jump. MORE »

OMG. Steve Novick is a hobbit from Oregon who is running for Senate as a Democrat, and he also has a hook hand. He opens a beer with his HOOK HAND, and it’s among the better things we’ve seen in life. He also owns an HDTV and is an Arugula Liberal Elitist. Vote Steve Novick! We must get this man to Washington so he can open beers for us, like a pirate. [YouTube via Steve Novick]

Thank god some people aren’t afraid to challenge Democratic golden boy John Edwards on the important issues. MORE »