Tag: pills

Dame Peggy Noonington Believeth Ted Cruz Deserveth One Spanking Upon His Uncouth Bottom!

How could Ted Cruz fail to endorse Donald Trump? That is what Peggy Noonan would like to know.
Pity it was Florida, not Texas. A Narcocorrido titled 'La Señora Con Xanax En Su Culo' would be so awesome.

Florida Lady Hides Xanax Up Butt While Stealing From Walmart, As One Does

Pro tip to potential criminal masterminds: If you're planning to go on a shoplifting spree, take the hidden Xanax tablets out of your butt first. Ginger Cooper, 28, was arrested Friday at a Walmart in Bradenton, Florida, after attempting to walk...
WAAAAAAAH!

Let’s Giggle At John Boehner’s Drunky Cry Faces Some More. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Oh hi, Wonkers! Did you miss the BIG BREAKING NEWS about how John Boehner is going away? Yes, it is hilarious, and yes, yr Wonkette understands that his replacement will be far worse, but just in case the end of...
HAPPY NOW?

Terrible Pill Man With Punchy Face Will ‘Drop’ Drug Price If You Won’t Murder Him Please

This week the internet has been doing a mighty good Two Minutes Hate against asshole pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli, and for good reason, since his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, decided to buy the rights to a life-saving drug, Daraprim, and...

George Zimmerman’s View To A Pill

When Trayvon Martin was killed, it looked really bad for George Zimmerman until it was discovered that he was fighting the savage effects of a marijuana-fueled person of color. Little did Zimmerman know that the young man he was...

Surgeon General: ‘Appropriate’ To Buy Radiation Pills, If You Can Find Any

So, this is going badly: "Fire breaks out again at Fukushima's No. 4 reactor." That's a new fire. And U.S. surgeon general Regina Benjamin is in the San Francisco Bay Area, telling the teevee news cameras that it's maybe...

Michael Steele Ready For First RNC Hip-Hop Poetry Slam Battle

Self-proclaimed "street guy" who also is "chairman of a country club political party" Michael Steele is expected to say all sorts of preposterous things during the first RNC spoken word debate this evening. And Michael is already mowing down...

Pharmaceutical Performance Art On Display In Union Station Today

Well, this is nifty! Consumer Reports performs a valuable service for you, the consumer, by putting giant phalluses through the rigors of a public cardiac stress test in Washington's own Union Station. No wait, them there is pills, demonstrating...

Peggy Noonan Is Out Of Pills!

Thursday, early evening. She turns the key to her Dungeon of Medicines, an isolated pod floating atop the highest vistas of Park Avenue. It is constructed of the finest Metals and can only be reached by rickshaw. Even after...

Coward McCain Will (Maybe?) Show Up Tonight, So Here’s Your Debate Drinking Game!

Whew, that was close. Goofy old national joke John "Walnuts!" McCain had threatened to skip tonight's debate unless he, uh, solved the Financial Crisis. Luckily for us, the 500-year-old clown can't "keep his word" for more than a few...

Cindy Needs A Fix Like You Wouldn’t Believe

Thank you to reliable Wonkette Philly operative "D-mac" for sending us this image from the front page of philly.com earlier today. Ha, the "National Label Company," WHAT? Whatever it is, they make drugs, orange drugs, and Cindy just starts...

Enjoy Your Outsourced Bloody Beer Money, Cougar!

Presidential trophy wife Cindy McCain, who already has 20 or 30 million bucks, is going to get another million -- from the sale of an American corporation! Cindy's fortune comes from her inherited beer distribution business, of which Anheuser-Busch...