Tag Archives: pills

  call your doctor

George Zimmerman’s View To A Pill

When Trayvon Martin was killed, it looked really bad for George Zimmerman until it was discovered that he was fighting the savage effects of a marijuana-fueled person of color. Little did Zimmerman know that the young man he was chasing was seeking weedemption for all of his terrorist pot smoking members who belong to a secret organization called ‘People In The United States Who Have Tried Marijuana.’ Luckily for Zimmerman, there’s a pill for this; and he happened to be prepared by taking it well before the altercation ensued. What miracle drug allowed Mr. Zimmerman to tangle with this young man? It was none other than big pharma endorsed ‘happy place’ drug Temazepam. How can one mind altering pill that has potential side effects of violence be able to combat the threat of a stoned teen on a cell phone walking down the street? It’s easy when all you have to do is swallow it, wait an hour and hate black people. Read more on George Zimmerman’s View To A Pill…
  gah!

Surgeon General: ‘Appropriate’ To Buy Radiation Pills, If You Can Find Any

So, this is going badly: “Fire breaks out again at Fukushima’s No. 4 reactor.” That’s a new fire. And U.S. surgeon general Regina Benjamin is in the San Francisco Bay Area, telling the teevee news cameras that it’s maybe a good idea to get those Potassium Iodide tablets … which are sold out everywhere. “Oh it’s definitely appropriate,” she says when asked if it’s wise to stock up on the thyroid-protecting tablets. “We have to be prepared.” Read more on Surgeon General: ‘Appropriate’ To Buy Radiation Pills, If You Can Find Any…
  it's morning in america

Michael Steele Ready For First RNC Hip-Hop Poetry Slam Battle

Self-proclaimed “street guy” who also is “chairman of a country club political party” Michael Steele is expected to say all sorts of preposterous things during the first RNC spoken word debate this evening. And Michael is already mowing down the competition: Bunk-ass hater Gentry Collins, a former RNC political director best known for writing a rude letter about how dumb Michael Steele is, has already dropped out of the chairmanship race! This leaves a few weirdos from Missouri and Michigan to challenge Steele and his dismal fundraising numbers and overall incompetence. There’s gonna be some serious disrespecting tonight. Maybe we will liveblog this comedy? [The Hill] Read more on Michael Steele Ready For First RNC Hip-Hop Poetry Slam Battle… Read more on Michael Steele Ready For First RNC Hip-Hop Poetry Slam Battle…
  cindy mccain's fever dreams

Pharmaceutical Performance Art On Display In Union Station Today

Well, this is nifty! Consumer Reports performs a valuable service for you, the consumer, by putting giant phalluses through the rigors of a public cardiac stress test in Washington’s own Union Station. No wait, them there is pills, demonstrating how a scientist in the future might compare the effectiveness of different drugs. Note the eye chart off to the side, which says, mysteriously, “WE HIDE FROM OURSELVES [INCOMPREHENSIBLY SMALL TYPE, ETC.]”. Read more on Pharmaceutical Performance Art On Display In Union Station Today…
  peggy's world

Peggy Noonan Is Out Of Pills!

Thursday, early evening. She turns the key to her Dungeon of Medicines, an isolated pod floating atop the highest vistas of Park Avenue. It is constructed of the finest Metals and can only be reached by rickshaw. Even after all these years, the scent of myrrh lingers. A glass of scotch is poured and she takes to the shelves. Tonight will be a night of barbiturates. Full bottles of Amytal, Nembutal, Seconal, et. al, are downed within seconds. She takes to her camel fur chair — a special model, in that it is an actual camel — and waits whilst supping on a bowl of cough syrup. The hour becomes 10, then 11, then 12. Midnight. A new day. But still, nothing. She is able to walk; this should not be physically possible. Time to bring out the typing machinery. She is struck, sober, hands on the keys, sitting on a camel, poised, wrought, a wordsmith to the death, honest. Peggy Noonan has written her headline: “There’s No Pill for This Kind of Depression.” Read more on Peggy Noonan Is Out Of Pills!…
  it's on!

Coward McCain Will (Maybe?) Show Up Tonight, So Here’s Your Debate Drinking Game!

Whew, that was close. Goofy old national joke John “Walnuts!” McCain had threatened to skip tonight’s debate unless he, uh, solved the Financial Crisis. Luckily for us, the 500-year-old clown can’t “keep his word” for more than a few minutes, so of course he’ll be at the debate tonight, unless he changes his mind again, which happens often when you can’t remember what you just said and have no idea what you’re talking about, anyway. So, huzzah, we will get to drink on a Friday night after all! Get out your iPhone or whatever and make a shopping list, because it’s time for Wonkette’s Famous Debate Drinking Game! Read more on Coward McCain Will (Maybe?) Show Up Tonight, So Here’s Your Debate Drinking Game!…
  untried felons

Cindy Needs A Fix Like You Wouldn’t Believe

Thank you to reliable Wonkette Philly operative “D-mac” for sending us this image from the front page of philly.com earlier today. Ha, the “National Label Company,” WHAT? Whatever it is, they make drugs, orange drugs, and Cindy just starts feeling that itch all over her body. Read more on Cindy Needs A Fix Like You Wouldn’t Believe…
  fat cats

Enjoy Your Outsourced Bloody Beer Money, Cougar!

Presidential trophy wife Cindy McCain, who already has 20 or 30 million bucks, is going to get another million — from the sale of an American corporation! Cindy’s fortune comes from her inherited beer distribution business, of which Anheuser-Busch is a major client. Now that Anheuser-Busch is being sold to hippie Belgian giant InBev NV, Cindy will most likely pull in $1 million from the buyout and be able to keep her business connection. This should fund at least 20 of her famous Pills ‘n’ Pools parties (for journalists) in Sedona. [WSJ] Read more on Enjoy Your Outsourced Bloody Beer Money, Cougar!…
 

Cindy McCain: You’ll Never Get My Money, Losers!

Cindy “Cougar” McCain said on this morning’s Today show that she will “never” release her tax returns, because she is “not the candidate.” No, but she has all of John McCain’s assets (and some more, hummina hummina hummina), and she lets him use her private jet all the time, and she has a very public position, and she steals pills from children which is a felony. [YouTube] Read more on Cindy McCain: You’ll Never Get My Money, Losers!…
 

CINDY MCCAIN A HICK CORPORATE: From the Wall Street Journal about “Cougar” Cindy McCain: “She has sported ‘MS BUD’ on her license plate, and from the campaign trail she uses her BlackBerry and cellphone to oversee this region’s rollout of Bud Lite Lime and to expand her corporate empire.” What, she was too good for MS DOS? Dumb computer elitist pill-popper. [WSJ] Read more on …
 

WALNUTS! To Take European Vacation, For Peace

Now that “Pennsylvania is the new Iowa,” and the Democratic party is dead-set on making everyone hate politics even more, John McCain is going to pretend to be a senator again! Has he already forgotten that he is running for president? Or maybe he thought he never left the Mexican Hanoi Hilton where he was tortured as a baby during the Spanish Civil War? All of these things are true, and this is why he now plans on taking a 10-day “congressional delegation” trip to socialist Europe and communist Middle East. Read more on WALNUTS! To Take European Vacation, For Peace…
 

Wonkette’s Week in Review: All The News That Fits

* CIA Director Porter Goss called it quits this week, and didn’t make up a reason for leaving. Not even the standard “time with my family” excuse, which of course makes us think it had something to do with the hookers or the gambling and payola. Anyway, he’s back on the gulf shore already, and everyone is waiting to hear who the next shady character to take over the job is going to be. Read more on Wonkette’s Week in Review: All The News That Fits…
 

Patrick Kennedy: Drinking or Pill-Popping?

Representative Kennedy was, according to his own statement, hopped up on goofballs at the time of his early-morning car wreck yesterday. The ol’ Ambien defense, ya see. Which we believe is the same excuse used by John Kerry to justify his vote for the war resolution. But the Boston Herald might’ve hurt that alibi a bit: Read more on Patrick Kennedy: Drinking or Pill-Popping?…