Tag Archives: phyllis schlafly

  actuarial tables are so mean

GOP Full Of Olds Who Will Die Soon, Says Science

These ladies were never part of the GOP base.
According to an article in Politico, the GOP may have a bit of a problem going into the 2016 election, and it’s not that all their candidates are morons who frighten the American people, though that is also an issue. Rather, it’s that many of the people who make up their core voting base are Olds, which means statistically, they may die before they can bring Mike Huckabee the victory his heart desires: Read more on GOP Full Of Olds Who Will Die Soon, Says Science…
  probably the gays' fault too

Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife

Dang bitches, ruining marriage for everybody.
Marriage, it is under attack, on both sides of the Atlantic! And Phyllis Schlafly’s niece, Suzanne Venker, knows why, because Venker has spent many years studying at the base of Schlafly’s gargoyle hooves, and she’s picked up a little information along the way. Before we even get in to reading, and thus mocking, this column, let’s make a guess as to how it goes: Feminists ruined marriage by saying “Hey, we would like to be equal and also not be shamed about sex,” which led to gays taking marriage and making it more egalitarian, and now the straight men have no power, and nobody in Europe or US America gets married, and all because some pit-haired 1960s lady named Bernice wanted the freedom to fuck. Let’s see how close we are! Read more on Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife…
  Jamaican everybody gay!

Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay

Abracadabra, ur all gay now LOL.
President Obama visited Jamaica this week, the first time a president has done that in over 30 years. Upon his departure, he turned around to shoot a beautiful, giant rainbow at the island nation, right out of his hand, proving definitively that he has some special tricks up his gay wizard sleeve! This act was caught on camera by White House photographer Pete Souza, so we guess Obama is okay with his magical powers not being a secret anymore. How will Hillary Clinton top THAT, when she is president? Read more on Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay…
  Now how's about all you lezbogays get in the kitchen and make South Carolina a sammich?

South Carolina Waves Constitution Around To Prove Gays Can’t Get Married And Ladies Are Chattel

South Carolina woman no longer protected by the 14th Amendment, we guess.
The Supreme Court is planning to hear arguments at the end of April in Buttsechs v. Phyllis Schlafly (not what it’s really called), the case they will most likely use to permanently cram gay marriage into the throats and bottoms of all the American people. This means that everyone and their wingnut uncle is submitting an amicus brief that says either “here is why I want to be able to marry the person I love” or “God will bomb America with fire if we let those faggots destroy our way of life!” But the state of South Carolina has sent the Supreme Court a truly stunning love note, which essentially says that due to the 14th Amendment, they are TOO allowed to discriminate against the homosexuals. Why? Because the 14th Amendment says they can also clearly discriminate against ladies. According to this logic, ladies are just like gays, in that they are inferior to straight white Christian slaveowners, wait what? Read more on South Carolina Waves Constitution Around To Prove Gays Can’t Get Married And Ladies Are Chattel…
  Tucker Carlson is gonna FREAK OUT

Trans People To Rampage Through White House ‘Gender Neutral’ Potty. Hide Your Kids!

Relax, Tucker. You can do this. Just think of waterfalls.
Oh, no, Tucker Carlson is going to be so scared and threatened next time he has to pee when he’s in the White House! Talking Points Memo reports that, in keeping with the Obama administration’s constant obsession with destroying the traditional family, the White House will be installing a gender-neutral bathroom onsite: Read more on Trans People To Rampage Through White House ‘Gender Neutral’ Potty. Hide Your Kids!…
  Bend over so Phyllis Schlafly can give you your 85 birthday spankings

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben Carson.) The doctor said many nice words about America’s Jesus Grandpa, like how he is so positive about everything, as opposed to the negative people (GAYS). Also making an appearance in this here commemorative video is the booby-draper himself, former Secretary of State John Ashcroft. Luckily, he didn’t have to drape any boobies at Robertson’s party, they came pre-draped! Ashcroft said, and we quote, that he doesn’t want Pat Robertson to stop using his voice, because “America needs it, and I needs it.” Read more on Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!…
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  Enjoy your sexytime while you still can

Wannabe Missouri Gov Lady Wishes Liberals Would Stop Porning The Children

She seems nice
Lucky you, Missouri. If you play your voting cards just right, your new governor in 2016 will be this real nice lady, Catherine Hanaway. She has some neat thoughts on sex and liberals and ladies, and sorry, Missouri, but if you elect her, you will probably never have sexytime fun again because she is REALLY against that: Read more on Wannabe Missouri Gov Lady Wishes Liberals Would Stop Porning The Children…
  Where's Gen. Sherman When We Need Him?

Georgia Senate Demands A.P. History Only Teach About Shiny, Happy America

George Washington crossing the Red River
The Georgia Senate is considering a resolution condemning changes to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) test, because they’re worried the new framework doesn’t adequately teach high schoolers how wonderful America is. Georgia is only the latest of several states to have itself a nice freakout over the College Board’s new APUSH framework since the Republican National Committee complained last August that it presented a “consistently negative view of American history.” Read more on Georgia Senate Demands A.P. History Only Teach About Shiny, Happy America…
  boys have a penis girls shouldn't go to college

Phyllis Schlafly Finds Way To Finally Give Men A Fair Shake

When Mother was a girl, men didn't need saving.
The last time yer Wonket visited noted feminist icon and gay-son-having mother of the year Phyllis Schlafly, her noxious Eagle Forum organization was arguing it IS TOO okay for companies to deny paychecks to women who have the utter gall to be both pregnant and employed. Before that, she was explaining that women could avoid a whole lot of that rape and violence stuff if they’d just go ahead and get married, because as Phyllis has explained time and time again (why do you not listen?), it’s not rape if you’ve said “I do” at least once in your life. Then of course, there was that whole incident in the olden times when she pretty much started a riot. Read more on Phyllis Schlafly Finds Way To Finally Give Men A Fair Shake…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  Like Women Are Even People -- Ha!

Phyllis Schlafly Knows Who Is Destroying America (Pregnant Women With Jobs, Duh)

Attack of the stock photo pregnant workers
Wondering how feminists are destroying America today? Of course you are! Lucky you, the dude lawyer representing Phyllis “Yep She’s Still Around, She’s Worse Than Cockroaches” Schlafly’s organization devoted entirely to keeping ladies who aren’t Schlafly in their place has your answer right here, for you to choke on. Read more on Phyllis Schlafly Knows Who Is Destroying America (Pregnant Women With Jobs, Duh)…
  Great Female Women And Ladies

Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War

Insert Pink Floyd joke here
Michele Bachmann just wanted to let you all know that not only is she an American hero, she also has an American hero: anti-feminist and riot-starter Phyllis Schlafly, whom Bachmann describes in an interview with wingnut paranoia clearinghouse WND as “the most consequential female woman in public policy in the last 50 years of the 20th Century.” And why is she such a consequential female woman? Well how does being personally responsible for the end of the Cold War grab you? Read more on Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  Bring Back Menstrual Huts Too

Phyllis Schlafly Says Just Get Married, Ladies, And End Rape And Violence Forever

Logically consistent since 1964
Veteran riot provocateur Phyllis Schlafly has a simple solution to two problems at once: If women are so all-fired worried about sexual assault and domestic violence, then they darn well better hurry up and get married instead of pursuing a career, since both rape and domestic abuse are caused by women having jerbs. Now, sure, even married men are still animals, but far less so, since a woman’s touch calms them down a whole lot. Schlafly cleared all this up during her weekly radio program last Thursday: Read more on Phyllis Schlafly Says Just Get Married, Ladies, And End Rape And Violence Forever…
  the me decade

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks In Leisure Suit Denial

Happy 420 Easter (also unfortunately Hitler’s birthday), everyone! This week, a bit of a surprise: we had anticipated that our textbooks for the Christian-school market would lead off their discussion of the 1970s with a lot of excuses and soft-pedaling of Watergate, perhaps depicting it as the destruction of a good man by radicals in the liberal media. But we were wrong! There’s almost nothing in their coverage of Watergate that you wouldn’t find in a secular text. Once we got over being puzzled, it occurred to us that these texts are both products of the 1980s’ Moral Majority/Reaganite camp, and so of course they’d have no particular reason to whitewash Watergate — Nixon wasn’t their kind of Republican anyway, so there wasn’t much incentive to try to rehabilitate him in a textbook. Besides, the real fun will come after 1976, when they can bash Jimmy Carter and hail the Advent of Reagan. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks In Leisure Suit Denial…
  and now for something completely similar

Phyllis Schlafly & ‘Obama’s Army Of Blacks’ Guy: Liberals Giving Your Kids To Teh Gheys As Sex Toys

You might think that by now, we were no longer capable of being surprised by Phyllis Schlafly and the merry band of rightwing loonies in her orbit. And for the most part, you’d be right — we’re no longer shocked by much of anything these twits say, because like Taco Bell, they’re in the business of putting together the same few components in infinitely varied combinations. Even so, we did at least raise an eyebrow* at the latest Fiery Doritos Mega-Beeflike Shitburrito Supreme from the Derp Brigade: On Tuesday, Schlafly chatted with minor-league radio bigot Stan Solomon, who fully expects that any moment now, the gummint is going to start declaring conservatives to be unfit parents, and will “take your children, whether they’re in the womb, or already born.” Schlafly agreed that so-called child protective service agencies should be called “the Gestapo,” and claimed that the bureaucrats all get a bonus every time they put children up for adoption on “some flimsy pretext.” Solomon concurred, adding that there are lots and lots of cases where gay adoptive parents have done sex to their adopted kids, and made child porn, “and the media won’t even talk about it.” Read more on Phyllis Schlafly & ‘Obama’s Army Of Blacks’ Guy: Liberals Giving Your Kids To Teh Gheys As Sex Toys…
  #RIPpatriarchy

Hey Ladies, Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Says Get Yourself A Hubby Because ‘You Can’t Take Your Paycheck To Bed With You’

So, Superwoymns, you know how are are trying to Lean In and Have It All and Support Yourselves And Your Families because those unshaved bra-burning feminazis have poisoned your beautiful minds with their alluring lies of equality and grrrrrl power and being able to pay the bills? Well, Suzanne Venker, who is A Expert on how women are awful (she is Phyllis Schlafly’s niece, so she comes by it naturally), has some sage advice for you: Cut that crap out right now and get yourself a big strong lots-of-zeros paycheck-earning husband: Read more on Hey Ladies, Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Says Get Yourself A Hubby Because ‘You Can’t Take Your Paycheck To Bed With You’…
  fight for your right to the party

The Time Phyllis Schlafly Incited A Riot

Phyllis Schlafly Was There to Kick Ass And Chew Bubblegum, And Phyllis Schlafly Was All Out of Bubblegum It was spring of ’66 in Washington DC and the smell of Napalm was in Phyllis Schlafly’s hair. She’d just been robbed of her coveted Presidential coronet at the 14th biennial convention of the National Federation of Republican Women, whose board had pulled a procedural trick to avoid her automatic succession from “First Vice President” (she had been elected to this post at the previous convention in ’64) to National President, a succession that had been almost guaranteed (according to Phyllis) to all First Vice Presidents since the 1st biennial convention in 1940. Read more on The Time Phyllis Schlafly Incited A Riot…
  put out that lamp--somebody might see it

Phyllis Schlafly Has Had It With People Thinking Statue Of Liberty Welcomes Immigrants

Phyllis Schlafly, the Queen Mum of rightwing hate, is getting pretty tired of the poor and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. So yesterday, she tossed a tempest; in a radio commentary, she insisted that the Statue of Liberty actually “has nothing whatsoever to do with immigration.” Schlafly also dismissed Emma Lazarus’ poem “The New Colossus” as some disgraceful graffiti that actually ruined the monument. In her version of the statue’s history, “people who had nothing to do with this great gift from the French were allowed to paste a plague on the base of the statue with a quotation that has misrepresented the statue as an invitation to open immigration.” “Remember, it’s the Statue of Liberty, not the Statue of Immigration.” We’re not sure whether Schlafly will now call for the banning of Neil Diamond’s “Coming to America” and sentimental movies depicting hopeful immigrants cheering as their ship enters New York harbor, or if she’ll settle for the inclusion of a disclaimer on all copies of these popular lies. Read more on Phyllis Schlafly Has Had It With People Thinking Statue Of Liberty Welcomes Immigrants…
  bigot is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Phyllis Schlafly: Why Is The Supreme Court So Bigoted Against Phyllis Schlafly Just Because She Is A Bigot?

People, it is HARD out there for a bigot these days. Even attention whore Anthony Kennedy called you out on your shit in his I Love The Gays court decision, and now you have no country for old haters. Fortunately, Phyllis Schlafly, who is remarkably STILL ALIVE, has got your back and will be spokeshater to the masses and explain how wounded you are by being called a fucking bigot when you are a bigot: Speaking with Steve Deace yesterday, Schlafly said that it was “inappropriate, unprecedented and really nasty” for Justice Anthony Kennedy to find that DOMA’s passage had anything to do with “animus against gays.” “I feel personally insulted by what Justice Kennedy said,” she added. Read more on Phyllis Schlafly: Why Is The Supreme Court So Bigoted Against Phyllis Schlafly Just Because She Is A Bigot?…