Tag: philadelphia

Loser Felon Dinesh D’Souza Will Destroy Hillary Just Like He Destroyed Obama

Oh ho ho and SHOTS FIRED! and you better be scurred, Hit-lery Benghazi Vince Foster Clinton, because convicted felon Dinesh D'Souza is out of the pokey and he's comin' for you! If you've been playing hooky from Real American History...
And remember, sweetie, the termites go in after we bake it.

You Know Who Had It Pretty Good? George Washington’s Slaves

For inclusion in your "How did anyone think THAT was a good idea?" files (Martin Luther King Holiday edition): Scholastic Books has recalled a children's book depicting happy slaves joyfully preparing a cake for their owner's birthday. Apparently some...
The rapper at rest

Ben Carson Hip Hip Hops And He Don’t Stop

It seems gravy shart Jonah Goldberg's Theory Of Ben Carson's Blackness has been proven wise beyond its author's wildest imagination! Yes, Ben Carson -- who according to hip-hop expert Goldberg is so much blacker than Barack Obama he cannot EVEN...
Hunka Hunka Burnin' Planet

World’s Going To End Wednesday. Wear Something Nice!

You may have been pretty relieved when we dodged the Mormon Apocalypse last week, what with the supermoon lunar eclipse not ushering in any Utah-destroying earthquakes or United Nations invasions. Well, wouldn't you know it, another, completely different bunch of...
This is Danica Dillon. She is helping take down the disgusting Duggar family. She is also a porn star.

Josh Duggar In Sex Rehab Again, Because Check Out What He Did To This Porn Star

Wonkers, please introduce yourselves to porn star lady Danica Dillon. "Hi, Danica!" says the Wonkers. What kind of gross stuff does our new friend Danica have to tell us about Josh Duggar and the stuff he does with his penis? Oh,...
With the jello and the pudding and the Quaaludes mashed up in the jello and the pudding.

Bill Cosby: Stop Smearing Me By Quoting All My Rape Words In The Newspaper!

Ever since news broke early this month that Bill Cosby may have did drug women for the purposes of having sex with them, according to his own testimony, America has been reeling from shock over the idea that when...
Not qualified to be a teacher.

NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians

The National Organization For Marriage (NOM nom nom), you know them, right? Hilariously failed organization that for some reason still exists, even though the Supreme Court crammed gay marriage right up all American bottoms at the end of June,...
Beautiful souls, each and every one.

And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Well, Wonkers, it was a sad week, as we, and the nation, became transfixed on the gruesome murders that took the lives of 9 people attending a Bible study at a historic black church in Charleston, South Carolina. And...
Boo hoo hoo

Fired Fox Anchor Will Never Achieve Dream Of Whites, Blacks Hurling N-Word Equally

Black folks have been enslaved, discriminated against, forced to use separate water fountains, and so many other things over the course of American history, but whew, that's all over, so there are some white people who would like to...
But what about when there was only one set of footprints? I slipped in some Santorum, said Jesus.

Rick Santorum: Dumb Pope Francis Needs To Shut His Mouth About Climate Change

Rick Santorum is a Catholic lawyer who likes long piggyback rides on the beach with Jesus and snuggle time with dead fetuses. Pope Francis is the boss of Catholics, and he also has a masters' degree in chemistry, from his...

Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)

Republicans in Wisconsin, and those few Democrats who are not criminals, should be feeling extra safe about Election Day this November. That's because some anti-labor irregulars left over from the Wisconsin Union Wars are vowing to protect democracy from the many tax...
Don't You People have a sense of humor?

Philadelphia Newspaper Sorry About That Racist Photo Caption ‘Proofreading Error’

A Philadelphia newspaper is eating General Tso's Crow after it let some idiot's racist photo caption joke go to press. Free weekly paper The Philadelphia Public Record ran the above photo with what would otherwise have been a seriously...

Dadaist Robbers Commit Perfect Crime: Stealing Gun Range Patrons’ Guns At Gunpoint

In what may be the perfect ouroboros of crime, a pair of irony-minded robbers held up patrons of two Philadelphia gun ranges as they left the businesses, then stole their guns. The bandits stole eleven weapons in all, and...

Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States

  It seems like only yesterday that we could hardly believe some of the awful things people were doing to Muslims in the United States 2,000+ years after JC met his bio dad. But lately the big news has been...

Election 2013 Loose Ends: America Elects A Whig And A Klingon

Big news, everyone! American political diversity expanded considerably with Tuesday's elections. In Ulysses, New York, voters elected to their town board actor J.G. Hertzler, a human who is best know to fans of the Star Tracks: Deep Space Nine...

Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers

What up Philadelphia? Just all being the City of Brotherly Love, right? And what is more brotherly or loverly than Philadelphia cops busting into an abandoned house on a drug raid only to find some dude and his chick,...