Tag Archives: philadelphia

  railway fetishists

Barack Obama Loves Trains SO MUCH

The fiendishly clever President-elect will be taking a train to Washington the week before his inauguration because he caught a whiff of the shit-storm that greets any well-known figure who dares to ride an airplane into our nation’s capital. Barry said, “No thanks, I will just kick it on the train with my good friend the Amtrak whore Joe Biden,” and VOILA, our nation’s railways were saved forever from bankruptcy and neglect. Read more on Barack Obama Loves Trains SO MUCH…
  important television coverage

A Children’s Treasury Of Today’s Hilarious Fox News Clips

Beloved teevee channel Fox News is focused as shit today on race-baiting, terrorism, and pissing off left-wing blogs. It is a marvel. So we’ve compiled some of the morning’s most comical highlights here for your viewing pleasure. The best one is above, in which lobotomized Fox & Friends clown Steve Doocy sees some random black guy walk into a polling station and immediately assumes that this is Obama. Oh boy. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Today’s Hilarious Fox News Clips…
  trickery

Vote McCain/Palin, Win Baseball Championships All Over Again!

Here’s a poster spotted in Philadelphia which claims to have been paid for by the “Republican Federal Committee of Pennsylvania Victory 2008″ (full size.) These folks at RFCPV2K8 (MEMORIZE IT — QUIZ LATER) are masters of subliminal messaging. “Oh, that’s right, my favorite baseball team won the big game, and this gave me pleasure,” the average voter will say upon encountering this placard. “I will now vote for these two nuts whose names are on the sign next to that of my favorite baseball team.” [Philadelphia Will Do] Read more on Vote McCain/Palin, Win Baseball Championships All Over Again!…
  machine politics

Philly Election Official: Everyone Quit Whining About Voting Problems

Fred Voight, the adorably rosy-cheeked Deputy Election Commissioner of Philadelphia, says that antsy-pantsy voters need to just “get a life” and wait in the rain for hours and hours to vote on a single not-broken machine on election day. And then he’s all, “do not get your knickers in a twist, Philadelphia’s 5-to-1 Democratic, so we know how this election will go anyway.” He is the most refreshingly candid public official since Joe Biden. [American News Project] Read more on Philly Election Official: Everyone Quit Whining About Voting Problems…
  oh imagine that

Philadelphia Hockey Fans Wildly Boo Sarah Palin

Hey McCain-Palin campaign: not to say “we told you so,” but in fact to say “HA HA TROLLOPS, we told you so,” Sarah Palin was not received well by Philadelphia hockey fans tonight when she dropped the ceremonial first puck at the Flyers’ season opener. Liberal gotcha journal the New York Times describes the chorus of boos as “resounding (almost deafening).” This video is staggering. We’re fairly certain that the arena music is turned up louder in a vain attempt to drown out the SONIC WALL of booing. [YouTube] Read more on Philadelphia Hockey Fans Wildly Boo Sarah Palin…
  whatever works

Sarah Palin To Drop Puck At Hockey Game Alongside Other Hockey Mom, Okay

On October 11 we’ll get a preview of Sarah Palin’s future career: a former insta-celebrity akin to a reality show star who flies around the country to show her face at sports games and clubs and say funny slogans like “Dontchaknow?” for five minutes to a bunch of drunks. Her rate will be $200 in scratch-off tickets, a Bud Lite-sponsored dildo and two baskets of fried shit for supper. This is her future, and it all kicks off October 11 when she drops the hockey puck at a Philadelphia Flyers game alongside some hockey mom contest winner. She has no idea what she’s getting into. Read more on Sarah Palin To Drop Puck At Hockey Game Alongside Other Hockey Mom, Okay…
  seducing the white ethnic

Joe Biden Rape-Kisses Some Racist Old Lady

Joe Biden has one job this election: to get the Bitters in Pennsylvania to vote for a black Muslim. That is literally all he has to do. Maybe Ohio, too, but mostly Pennsylvania, because he was of course born there! In Scranton, the famous town where Happiness goes to die. On Friday, he went to Northeast Philadelphia — “The Scranton of Philadelphia” — to meet some old white folks and tell ’em about Barry. He even kissed some old gal on the forehead, but she was disgusted, because there’s a huge stumbling block among these “white ethnics” Joe Biden is targeting: they really, really hate black people. Read more on Joe Biden Rape-Kisses Some Racist Old Lady…
 

Weird Scenes From Hillary’s Philadelphia Lair

No. No. 10 points? That is like a million points in the sense that HILLARY WILL KEEP RUNNING rather than letter us all take VACATIONS on BEACHES away from THIS. Blah blah blah, Hopey done blown it, more pictures below from Satan’s lair. Read more on Weird Scenes From Hillary’s Philadelphia Lair…
 

Italians Like Obama, Hillary, And Their Own Politician Guy

newVideoPlayer("italians.flv", 463, 387,"");We ran into a group of Italian tourists this afternoon in Philadelphia who hilariously thought we were a real news organization. They’ve enjoyed seeing “the advertisements about Obama and Hillary,” making them the first group in world history to have felt this way. But they don’t like either candidate nearly as much as they like their own new Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi! The mere mention of his name set off an avalanche of stereotypical Italian overreactions and blown kisses. Then we interviewed some child who is UNDECIDED STILL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. Finally, we sneaked a peek at the Liberty Bell, which is fake, like YOU. Read more on Italians Like Obama, Hillary, And Their Own Politician Guy…
 

Philadelphia So Crazy On Election Day

These news trucks are parked outside Hillary Clinton’s (and our) hotel in Philadelphia, on Broad Street. That is corrupt City Hall in the background, the evil gothic thing. What else is happening in Philadelphia today? Much of it involves Thomas Jefferson, penis food, sparkly voting signs and Star Wars musicals. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been overrun by this strange City on a Landfill. Read more on Philadelphia So Crazy On Election Day…
 

Barack Obama Is A ‘Martinist'; Wonkette Interviews Another Member of Sonic Youth!

newVideoPlayer("sonic.flv", 463, 387,"");Today your Wonkette visited the grounds of Independence Hall to discover the links between Primary Day, Liberty, Benjamin Franklin and Rock & Roll. In other words, we were looking for Paultards to harass. We didn’t find any for sure, but we found two other things! First, a nice conspiracy theorist who calls Obama a “Martinist.” A Martinist is a Satanist, more or less, because Satan was named after Martin Luther King Junior. This wise fellow is in a Rock and Roll band on MySpace, much like the second figure we ran into: Lee Ranaldo, guitarist for Satanist band Sonic Youth (another member of which we have already harassed). He doesn’t think he is a sell-out, nor does he care which Democrat wins the nomination. But is he a Martinist? Read more on Barack Obama Is A ‘Martinist'; Wonkette Interviews Another Member of Sonic Youth!…
 

Hey Look, A Dog For Barry Obama

Here’s a dog that voted for Barry Obama in Philadelphia during early voting last week. Thanks to Idolator.com editor and former Gawker Media colleague (tear?) Maura Johnston for taking this over the weekend in the City of “Cheese-Fries.” [Flickr] Read more on Hey Look, A Dog For Barry Obama…
 

It’s Hillary’s Friends, And Stephanie Tubbs Jones Shouting!

newVideoPlayer("hils.flv", 463, 387,"");Here is some video from last night’s Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There’s a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says “MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE.” Then Chelsea comes on and says “my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family.” Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You’ve never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end. Read more on It’s Hillary’s Friends, And Stephanie Tubbs Jones Shouting!…
 

Hillary Clinton’s Headquarters Invade Wonkette’s Hotel

Here is Wonkette’s Liz Glover making a video about Hillary Clinton’s rally last night. She is cursing loudly about Hillary and says creating this video makes her as depressed as “that Ken Mehlman reception.” Liz is an Elitist, which is why we are staying at the luxurious Park Hyatt in Philadelphia after some intensive haggling. Guess who else is staying here? Hillary Clinton, the famous person who makes Liz Glover vomit! Her campaign headquarters tonight will be on the second floor (of Hell). The Main Stream Media is swarming this place, along with a nice concierge who will probably be voting for Ron Paul. Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Headquarters Invade Wonkette’s Hotel…
 

It’s Chelsea And Three Dudes!

Here’s Chelsea onstage with the cocksucker father of hers, Governor Ed “I Teach Here So Why Are You All Pretending To Be Excited About My Appearance” Rendell, and that black Philadelphia mayor who for some reason doesn’t support Obama. Ed Rendell says, “I’ll pass it over to Chelsea, who’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.” Like Ricky Ricardo! But what does it mean? Maybe Chelsea will ‘Splain why all these people are here for Hillary when she’s already lost the election. Either way, the crowd goes wild. They are drooling like fools. Read more on It’s Chelsea And Three Dudes!…
 

STEPHANIE TUBBS JONES IS OUT OF HER MIND, And Other Stories

Your Wonkette’s Liz Glover and I are here at the University of Pennsylvania’s basketball gymnasium, in Philadelphia, at a rally for Hillary Clinton. We both want to vomit everywhere until dead several times over. Liz may have vomited already, but who knows, because she is mostly likely still getting sniffed by Secret Service bomb/drug dogs. Sucker! The treats inside include a never-ending a cappella performance (I totally know the singer!) as well as Ohio Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones SHOUTIN BOUT HILRY REAL LOUD. Read more on STEPHANIE TUBBS JONES IS OUT OF HER MIND, And Other Stories…
 

Wonkette Tortures Self, Returns To Philadelphia

Last week, your Wonkette traveled to Philadelphia for a debate and it was the worst experience of all time. So we’re getting the band back together and doing it again! Only this time, they’re voting, and they’ll probably all look stupid because who doesn’t. Also, we’ll have Famous star “Polaroid” Liz Glover on board to harass the poor citizenry of America’s Ben Franklin City. We will leave shortly, and then get stuck on I-95 for 12 hours, and then hopefully post things tonight and tomorrow from “on the ground.” Read more on Wonkette Tortures Self, Returns To Philadelphia…
 

Obama To Die Of Syphilis

Rowr! That’s the bottom half of Friday’s Philadelphia Gay News, the catty publication that once devoted half of its front page to a blank column symbolizing Obama’s fake-love of whiteness, or hatred of the Gays, or something. Obama has gone 1,500+ (million!) days without talking to this gay newspaper and that’s why he has syphilis, the end. [Philadelphia Gay News via Philadelphia Will Do] Read more on Obama To Die Of Syphilis…
 

Chelsea Clinton Groped By Lesbians

Chelsea was doing a gay bar crawl in Philadelphia on Friday night and while she was walking around some lady said “I grabbed her ass,” and David Shuster wept because this was proof positive that the Clintons were pimping their daughter out. Read more on Chelsea Clinton Groped By Lesbians…
 

Video Shocker: Did Obama Flip Off Hillary?

Barack Obama dismisses the trashy debate last night and then … does he give Hillary Clinton a subtle middle finger? No, sadly — it’s two fingers, and he appears to have an itch on his face or whatever. But it is an important clue into how crazy everyone is going that this video from a local teevee staion in North Carolina is suddenly being sent out by the anti-Obama Internets. ALSO: Funny extended version of this video, in the comments. [YouTube] Read more on Video Shocker: Did Obama Flip Off Hillary?…
 

Is George Stephanopoulos Actually Dead Now?

Red alert! It appears Kos and his liberal netroots have breached the inner circle of ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos and killed him to death. He is a Greek “white ethnic” so that is a Hate Crime. George Stephanopoulos was 16 years old. [YouTube] Read more on Is George Stephanopoulos Actually Dead Now?…
 

World’s Worst Debate Also Most Popular Debate

The elitist assessment of that terrible debate last night is pretty much, Oh my god, they let that be broadcast on the teevee?” So, obviously, it is the debate “Regular Americans” loved most, because ABC just announced that no primary debate has ever had so big an audience. Take that, Lincoln-Douglas Debate! Suck it, Kennedy-Nixon Debate! Read more on World’s Worst Debate Also Most Popular Debate…