Wonkette

No. No. 10 points? That is like a million points in the sense that HILLARY WILL KEEP RUNNING rather than letter us all take VACATIONS on BEACHES away from THIS. Blah blah blah, Hopey done blown it, more pictures below from Satan’s lair. MORE »

We ran into a group of Italian tourists this afternoon in Philadelphia who hilariously thought we were a real news organization. They’ve enjoyed seeing “the advertisements about Obama and Hillary,” making them the first group in world history to have felt this way. But they don’t like either candidate nearly as much as they like their own new Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi! The mere mention of his name set off an avalanche of stereotypical Italian overreactions and blown kisses. Then we interviewed some child who is UNDECIDED STILL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. Finally, we sneaked a peek at the Liberty Bell, which is fake, like YOU.

These news trucks are parked outside Hillary Clinton’s (and our) hotel in Philadelphia, on Broad Street. That is corrupt City Hall in the background, the evil gothic thing. What else is happening in Philadelphia today? Much of it involves Thomas Jefferson, penis food, sparkly voting signs and Star Wars musicals. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been overrun by this strange City on a Landfill. MORE »

Today your Wonkette visited the grounds of Independence Hall to discover the links between Primary Day, Liberty, Benjamin Franklin and Rock & Roll. In other words, we were looking for Paultards to harass. We didn’t find any for sure, but we found two other things! First, a nice conspiracy theorist who calls Obama a “Martinist.” A Martinist is a Satanist, more or less, because Satan was named after Martin Luther King Junior. This wise fellow is in a Rock and Roll band on MySpace, much like the second figure we ran into: Lee Ranaldo, guitarist for Satanist band Sonic Youth (another member of which we have already harassed). He doesn’t think he is a sell-out, nor does he care which Democrat wins the nomination. But is he a Martinist?

Here’s a dog that voted for Barry Obama in Philadelphia during early voting last week. Thanks to Idolator.com editor and former Gawker Media colleague (tear?) Maura Johnston for taking this over the weekend in the City of “Cheese-Fries.” [Flickr]

Here is some video from last night’s Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There’s a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says “MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE.” Then Chelsea comes on and says “my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family.” Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You’ve never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end.

Here is Wonkette’s Liz Glover making a video about Hillary Clinton’s rally last night. She is cursing loudly about Hillary and says creating this video makes her as depressed as “that Ken Mehlman reception.” Liz is an Elitist, which is why we are staying at the luxurious Park Hyatt in Philadelphia after some intensive haggling. Guess who else is staying here? Hillary Clinton, the famous person who makes Liz Glover vomit! Her campaign headquarters tonight will be on the second floor (of Hell). The Main Stream Media is swarming this place, along with a nice concierge who will probably be voting for Ron Paul.

Here’s Chelsea onstage with the cocksucker father of hers, Governor Ed “I Teach Here So Why Are You All Pretending To Be Excited About My Appearance” Rendell, and that black Philadelphia mayor who for some reason doesn’t support Obama. Ed Rendell says, “I’ll pass it over to Chelsea, who’s got some ’splainin’ to do.” Like Ricky Ricardo! But what does it mean? Maybe Chelsea will ‘Splain why all these people are here for Hillary when she’s already lost the election. Either way, the crowd goes wild. They are drooling like fools.

Your Wonkette’s Liz Glover and I are here at the University of Pennsylvania’s basketball gymnasium, in Philadelphia, at a rally for Hillary Clinton. We both want to vomit everywhere until dead several times over. Liz may have vomited already, but who knows, because she is mostly likely still getting sniffed by Secret Service bomb/drug dogs. Sucker! The treats inside include a never-ending a cappella performance (I totally know the singer!) as well as Ohio Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones SHOUTIN BOUT HILRY REAL LOUD. MORE »

Last week, your Wonkette traveled to Philadelphia for a debate and it was the worst experience of all time. So we’re getting the band back together and doing it again! Only this time, they’re voting, and they’ll probably all look stupid because who doesn’t. Also, we’ll have Famous star “Polaroid” Liz Glover on board to harass the poor citizenry of America’s Ben Franklin City. We will leave shortly, and then get stuck on I-95 for 12 hours, and then hopefully post things tonight and tomorrow from “on the ground.”