Tag Archives: philadelphia

  Walker's Irregulars

Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)

Republicans in Wisconsin, and those few Democrats who are not criminals, should be feeling extra safe about Election Day this November. That’s because some anti-labor irregulars left over from the Wisconsin Union Wars are vowing to protect democracy from the many tax dodgers and fugitives who might be tempted to vote against Republican governor and urine enthusiast Scott Walker. Read more on Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)…
  An Hour After The Apology You're Offended Again

Philadelphia Newspaper Sorry About That Racist Photo Caption ‘Proofreading Error’

Don't You People have a sense of humor?
A Philadelphia newspaper is eating General Tso’s Crow after it let some idiot’s racist photo caption joke go to press. Free weekly paper The Philadelphia Public Record ran the above photo with what would otherwise have been a seriously nothing story about a fundraiser for City Councilman Mark Squilla, hosted by an Asian-American group. The caption was obviously tossed into the paper by someone who didn’t notice it included some factual errors: In addition to the amusingly racist fake names “Me Too,” “Chinky Winky,” and “Dinky Doo,” even the real attendees’ names don’t match up with the order of people in the photo, whichever direction you go. And then there’s that “fro” instead of “for,” which we’d normally be willing to overlook, but this seems like an obviously racist slur against natural African-American hairstyles. Read more on Philadelphia Newspaper Sorry About That Racist Photo Caption ‘Proofreading Error’…
  could have happened at target too

Dadaist Robbers Commit Perfect Crime: Stealing Gun Range Patrons’ Guns At Gunpoint

In what may be the perfect ouroboros of crime, a pair of irony-minded robbers held up patrons of two Philadelphia gun ranges as they left the businesses, then stole their guns. The bandits stole eleven weapons in all, and in the part that isn’t funny, shot and critically wounded a 67-year-old man, who will be OK. Read more on Dadaist Robbers Commit Perfect Crime: Stealing Gun Range Patrons’ Guns At Gunpoint…
  smallotry

Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States

That’s yr Wonkette’s shoulder and neck in the extreme right foreground. The ox-man in the flag polo was trying to steal our sign!   It seems like only yesterday that we could hardly believe some of the awful things people were doing to Muslims in the United States 2,000+ years after JC met his bio dad. But lately the big news has been “Gays win” and “Pot smokers win” and “Blacks still get murdered a lot” and “Mass shootings” and “IRS Ben Gozzi Obamacare!” That one is kinda Muslim, but we are talking about the quotidian traumas of being viewed as enemies by your own neighbors and government. These stories have lately been absent from the National Conversation, but have they been absent from real life? Read more on Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States…
  gettin' whiggy with it

Election 2013 Loose Ends: America Elects A Whig And A Klingon

Big news, everyone! American political diversity expanded considerably with Tuesday’s elections. In Ulysses, New York, voters elected to their town board actor J.G. Hertzler, a human who is best know to fans of the Star Tracks: Deep Space Nine television program as “Chancellor Martok.” Martok, of course, helped lead Klingon forces in the Dominion War (not including that unfortunate period where he was temporarily replaced by a Changeling, duh), and eventually became leader of the entire Klingon Empire. We can’t say with any certainty that Hertzler is the first Klingon elected to office in the USA, but he is definitely the highest-ranking. A former employee of the Environmental Protection Agency during the Nixon administration, Hertzler was elected on a platform that strongly opposed hydraulic fracturing as an environmental threat. Our respect for the integrity of science fiction franchises prevents us from making a Battlestar Galactica/”fracking” joke here. Qapla’! Board Member Hertzler. Read more on Election 2013 Loose Ends: America Elects A Whig And A Klingon…
  Cops of Cocktober

Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers

What up Philadelphia? Just all being the City of Brotherly Love, right? And what is more brotherly or loverly than Philadelphia cops busting into an abandoned house on a drug raid only to find some dude and his chick, high on speedballs and love, about to have sex? What to do? Well, if you are Joseph Harvey of the Philadelphia PD, right before arresting the lady you find there, you make her get all the way naked whilst you make a withdrawal from the spank-bank. Empty your gun barrel? Have a date with Palmela Handerson. Take Captain Solo on the Kessel Run? Okay, you masturbate. Onto the pants of the lady you are supposed to be arresting, because you are the good guy and she is the bad guy. Read more on Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers…
  get your teabagger bingo cards ready

Deleted Comments of The Day: How Many Stereotypes Can You Fit Into One Paragraph?

Sometimes when we open up the ol’ comment queue, that limbo where new would-be Wonketteers must first prove they are neither spam nor complete teabagging idiots, we feel like the Medieval Marxist’s wife: “Oooh, Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down ‘ere!” And so it was with two messages from “JustinHuman,” who just wanted us to know that he shares Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s disgust at all these poor people with fancy air conditioning: Sorry, but I agree with Elizabeth on this one. I work in healthcare, and it does get rather upsetting seeing all of the perfectly able-bodied young men and women who come in on disability benefits and Social Security in their 20s and 30s carrying the newest iPad while I work 6 days a week and can’t afford one. It’s infuriating to see people buying lobster and shrimp with their food stamps while I’m struggling working 2 jobs to feed my kids store brand basics. Then, I get to see them walk outside and get into their new luxury car while I hope my 96 Celica starts as it approaches the 200,000 mile mark on the odometer. “JustinHuman” has seen this, people, seen it with his own eyes, and he thinks it’s time for some class warfare on the undeserving poors. Ah, yes, we thought as we read on: there’s some lovely filth down ‘ere. Read more on Deleted Comments of The Day: How Many Stereotypes Can You Fit Into One Paragraph?…
  not the philadelphia story we prefer

Government Cuts Won’t Hurt Anyone, Except Maybe When A 12-Year-Old Dies Because Her School Had No Nurse

Before you read this story, you may want to make sure you secure any heavy objects nearby, so that you won’t hurl them through your computer monitor. From the Philadelphia City Paper, just one more example of what happens when you make government small enough to drown in a bathtub: Children will die. Sixth-grader Laporshia Massey died from asthma complications, according to her father, who says he rushed her to the emergency room soon after she got home from school on the afternoon of Sept. 25. He says Laporshia had begun to feel ill earlier that day at Bryant Elementary School, where a nurse is on staff only two days a week. This day was not one of those days. Daniel Burch, Laporshia’s father, is angry and wants to know whether Philadelphia’s resource-starved school district failed to save his daughter’s life. The Pennsylvania state legislature has declared war on funding for Philadelphia’s schools, and Laporshia Massey is just part of the collateral damage. Read more on Government Cuts Won’t Hurt Anyone, Except Maybe When A 12-Year-Old Dies Because Her School Had No Nurse…
  the violence inherent in the system

Philly Cop Videotaped Punching Woman In Face Found Not Guilty Because Videotape Might Have Missed Moments Where Cop Wasn’t Punching Her In Face

Here is a videotape of a (now former!) Philadephia police officer, Jonathan Josey, punching Aida Guzman after that city’s Puerto Rican Day Parade on September 30, 2012. Guzman was part of an unruly crowd that had gathered following the parade, but the videotape does not show her doing anything to Josey, who believed she had thrown beer at him. On Tuesday, Josey’s non-jury trial for simple assault ended with Municipal Judge Patrick Dugan finding Josey not guilty. Dugan said that the video was insufficient evidence: Dugan said that the media “sensationalized” the incident, which, he added, was captured on an “infamous” 10-second video clip that did not capture the incident in its totality. Despite being “shocked” by the video, Dugan said, he concluded that Josey had acted within reason when he took a swipe at Guzman. Read more on Philly Cop Videotaped Punching Woman In Face Found Not Guilty Because Videotape Might Have Missed Moments Where Cop Wasn’t Punching Her In Face…
  it's always obama in philadelphia

Fox Nation: Did Obama Voter Fraud All Of Philadelphia?

In fifty-nine Philadelphia voting divisions, Mitt Romney received zero votes. Fifty-nine. Zero. Italics. Fox Nation posts this Philadelphia Inquirer article, leaving their commentariat to worry that maybe Obama totally vote-frauded the city, and Romney would have won if not for Obama’s grand scheme to totally eliminate Republicans from 3.5% of the total precincts in Philadelphia, a city he won with 85% of the vote. Read more on Fox Nation: Did Obama Voter Fraud All Of Philadelphia?…
  brotherly love

Do Not Spray Silly String On This Philly Cop, Ladies

View more videos at: http://nbcphiladelphia.com. Think spraying Silly String is a victimless crime? WRONG. First, it is environmentally terrible. Second, well there is no second. It is sort of victimless, now that we think about it. Unless you are at Philly’s Puerto Rican Day Parade, in which case you will cold get chased down and punched in the face by a ginormous cop. So now there is a victim after all! Read more on Do Not Spray Silly String On This Philly Cop, Ladies…
  fight for your right to party!

Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Party Planner (And Prizes!)

Remember when we made our own fake Kickstarter, because the real Kickstarter did not think that going around the country throwing parties was “performance art”? (WHATEVER.) Well, we promised you many gifties, which we have yet to deliver, so let us tell you News about them, and announce who won the chance to decide where the bonus Drinky Thing would be! Read more on Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Party Planner (And Prizes!)…
  nutter for president

Philadelphia Mayor Tells Citizens to Stop Being ‘Idiots and A**holes’

Mayor Michael Nutter, Democrat of Philadelphia, likes to swear, but he only really swears about people who deserve it, nor does he ever apologize for his remarks, and he is therefore kind of great and should run for president. In his latest viral video attempt, Nutter made some remarks about a Tuesday shooting that killed three teens, uttering a basic truth about people who shoot people: they are “idiots and assholes.” Video evidence forthwith. Read more on Philadelphia Mayor Tells Citizens to Stop Being ‘Idiots and A**holes’…
  the chuck norris op-ed lever

Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers

Chuck Norris has a personal pastor for all of his various organization, because, well, karate needs pastors, of course. But when that pastor visited Independence Hall in Philadelphia to learn about the religion of our nation’s founding fathers, he instead was led on a tour by a guide who, rudely, only talked about the Constitution and forming a republic and the Liberty Bell and such. But doesn’t the National Park Service, which oversees the historic site, know that Christianity is the most important aspect of everything that is good in the world, such as white men like the founding fathers? Sounds like those pine-tree jockeys need some sense uppercutted into them. Read more on Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers…
  good deals

Naked Guy Promises To Share His Streaking Prize With Obama

Barack Obama had a party in Philadelphia yesterday for Christoper Columbus, the ancient sailor who accidentally stumbled across North America and then very purposefully slaughtered everyone and took their Goldline treasure. And things got a little out of hand! First of all, someone threw a book at Obama? Rude. But more importantly: A man from Staten Island named Juan J. Rodriguez got in his birthday suit, shouted Obama’s name a few times and then waved to the President, with his junk. Juan J. Rodriguez did this for a large cash prize; he was not trying to be a malicious naked person. On the contrary, Mr. Rodriguez thinks Obama is great (you think Juan would get nekkid for someone he dislikes?). Juan is even willing to donate some of his winnings to the charity of Obama’s choosing, which of course will be Hamas or maybe Center for Death to America. Read more on Naked Guy Promises To Share His Streaking Prize With Obama…
  railway fetishists

Barack Obama Loves Trains SO MUCH

The fiendishly clever President-elect will be taking a train to Washington the week before his inauguration because he caught a whiff of the shit-storm that greets any well-known figure who dares to ride an airplane into our nation’s capital. Barry said, “No thanks, I will just kick it on the train with my good friend the Amtrak whore Joe Biden,” and VOILA, our nation’s railways were saved forever from bankruptcy and neglect. Read more on Barack Obama Loves Trains SO MUCH…
  important television coverage

A Children’s Treasury Of Today’s Hilarious Fox News Clips

Beloved teevee channel Fox News is focused as shit today on race-baiting, terrorism, and pissing off left-wing blogs. It is a marvel. So we’ve compiled some of the morning’s most comical highlights here for your viewing pleasure. The best one is above, in which lobotomized Fox & Friends clown Steve Doocy sees some random black guy walk into a polling station and immediately assumes that this is Obama. Oh boy. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Today’s Hilarious Fox News Clips…
  trickery

Vote McCain/Palin, Win Baseball Championships All Over Again!

Here’s a poster spotted in Philadelphia which claims to have been paid for by the “Republican Federal Committee of Pennsylvania Victory 2008″ (full size.) These folks at RFCPV2K8 (MEMORIZE IT — QUIZ LATER) are masters of subliminal messaging. “Oh, that’s right, my favorite baseball team won the big game, and this gave me pleasure,” the average voter will say upon encountering this placard. “I will now vote for these two nuts whose names are on the sign next to that of my favorite baseball team.” [Philadelphia Will Do] Read more on Vote McCain/Palin, Win Baseball Championships All Over Again!…