Fine, let’s try to tackle it. Every rich corporate D.C. conservative establishment liar is going to (went to?) Virginia’s most famous slave ranch, Mount Vernon, today, to sign some sort of Declaration thing, in this latest move in the evolution of the conservative astroturf movement. Two possible reactions: (a) What a bunch of cocksuckers! And also, they’re funny for doing this! (b) The whole American Revolution was fundamentally astroturfing, so who are we to call these nowadays-rich folk bad historians? YEEHAW! MORE »

Oh looky here, John McCain, for the first time ever, is squeezing himself into a situation that doesn’t involve him at all. My friends, let this man sit down! Fill out my form to buy Scott Brown a stool! He has been standing for so long and must sit. He must be seated LITERALLY RIGHT NOW IN THE SENATE! 100% of Americans want Scott Brown to elect himself president and take the Oval Office by about oh say 4:30 p.m. tomorrow, but first he must sit in the Senate — in any chair whatsoever within the physical Senate chamber — for a few minutes! AMERICA NEEDS THIS. [Cuntry First PAC]

Suddenly in America it is *illegal* to offer words of support for popular American television hosts such as Glenn Beck. This is not your grandfather’s American Internet anymore, people. (Anyway, time to stop signing it!) [Support Glenn Beck and His Values and Principles]

Fat racist queer-sandwich Glenn Beck is losing all of the sponsors for his Fox television show, “The Fat Racist Queer-Sandwich Hour With Glenn Beck.” Will you stand for this? Who is going to provide the intellectual counterpoint to Obama, if his carcinogenic show about nothing, that no one actually watches, disappears? Sign this petition to “Support Glenn Beck and His Values and Principles.” It’s on the Internet as we speak! UPDATE: War over, we win, stop signing. MORE »

You anti-American homosexual Muslim book-skimming ACORNs have taken YET ANOTHER perfectly good & respectable website — this one designed to thank George W. Bush for the various wars and contracting economies — and ruined it with your filthy jokes about butts and poop. The site’s webmaster is now having to scrub your PUERILE CRAP petition signatures at a breakneck pace leaving him/her no time for SELF-PLEASURE. Let’s check out some of these toilet-humor “names” from you people who only want John Kerry to run the country and nothing else will do. MORE »

In the great state of Louisiana, any citizen can file, for free, a petition to recall the governor — and that is exactly what some dude and his wife have done, because Bobby Jindal won’t veto a pay raise that would double the salary of state legislators. Will Ryan and Kourtney Fournier be able to bring down the crazed teenaged exorcism and castration fetishist who skyrocketed to the highest office in the state? Probably not, because they’ll have to collect nearly a million signatures in the next six months. But still! MORE »

Well. The National Press Club, Washington’s very Esteemed Lunch Club for reporters, has allowed Larry Sinclair to book 2.5 hours worth of prime real estate on June 18. Larry Sinclair is the guy who claimed he had hot gay blowjobs and did coke with Barack Obama in a hilariously fabricated YouTube video, and hasn’t given up his efforts, despite failing a lie detector test. Normally we think petitions are boring, but, well, sign this fucking petition. [Firedoglake]

Bill