Tag Archives: petitions

  The Long Grift

Scammy Conservative PACs Fleece Your Grandma With This One Weird Trick

Last week, Mother Jones reported that Mike Huckabee used his PAC to funnel more than $400,000 to his family. This week, Politico’s Ken Vogel gives us a story about scammy conservative PACs that make thousands of dollars from home with just one weird trick. Read more on Scammy Conservative PACs Fleece Your Grandma With This One Weird Trick…
  and a pony under every christmas tree

MoveOn.org Demands Boehner And Cantor Be Arrested; Wonkette Demands Piper Perabo Be Washed And Brought To Our Tent

Hey there, MoveOn.org! What’s new? Boy, that shutdown sure was a dilly of a humdinger, wasn’t it? But now that it is over, what positive actions do you plan to put your energy and not-inconsiderable financial resources into in order to help the country recover from the gargantuan nightmare of the last three weeks? Lobbying Democratic members of the finally convened budget conference committee to fight for liberal priorities? Finding and encouraging more liberal candidates to run for Congress in next year’s midterms in the hopes of regaining the House and holding onto the Senate? Working with social welfare organizations on the ground to help the poorest and most vulnerable members of society who were hurt by the suspension of programs like WIC get back on their feet? Read more on MoveOn.org Demands Boehner And Cantor Be Arrested; Wonkette Demands Piper Perabo Be Washed And Brought To Our Tent…
  seriously dude you should shut the pie hole now

Having Gone Through Righteous Indignation And Emo Phases, Edward Snowden Now Feeling Cocky

No matter where you fall on the whole spectrum of “Edward Snowden is a Hero/Traitor/Floor Wax/Desert Topping,” can we all agree that this is a bad idea: For the first time, Snowden has admitted he sought a position at Booz Allen Hamilton so he could collect proof about the US National Security Agency’s secret surveillance programmes ahead of planned leaks to the media. Read more on Having Gone Through Righteous Indignation And Emo Phases, Edward Snowden Now Feeling Cocky…
 

Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not

So remember Thad McCotter? The nobody Congressman who ran for president of the Iowa Straw Poll and lost, and then failed to gather enough real petition signatures to run for reelection, and then quit Congress in a blaze of glory and banal Dylan lyrics as his former staffers were about to be indicted for petition fraud? Yeah, that Thad McCotter. But maybe Thad wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe he was a patsy. A pigeon. A mark. Someone nefarious forces could put in a frame and take control of the all-powerful 10th Congressional District of Michigan. And maybe those nefarious forces intentionally forged those petition signatures so McCotter would get caught and They could House of Cards replace him with Their hand-picked Congressman to do their bidding in western Wayne County Michigan. It all makes perfect sense. Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Yr Wonket’s Thaddeus. But he didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all along. Read more on Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not…
  democracy is for suckers

Petition To Punch Grover Norquist In Dick Removed From White House Petition Site

Well, Wonketteers, we bring you some very depressing news: the petition for “all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick” has been removed from We The People, the White House’s platform for direct democracy. This saddens us greatly for reasons that should be pretty obvious, do we really need to go into it because we’re pretty broken up about this whole thing. Also saddening for super obvious reasons: someone or someones removed the petition for President Obama to do the hokey pokey. We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well. Read more on Petition To Punch Grover Norquist In Dick Removed From White House Petition Site…
  click the thingie for freedom

American Patriots Send Mean E-Petitions Threatening Secession, Just Like Their Confederate Heroes Did

True Americans everywhere are finally wising up to the fact that they will live another four years under the rule of the Nobamanation, and that basically all hope for freedom is now lost. We remember long ago in this nation when a skinny liberal weirdo from Illinois got elected, and threatened to redistribute Real Americans’ wealth, by acknowledging that some of that wealth was actually human beings. And those Real Americans responded in the honorable fashion: by founding an entire republic based on the defense of slavery, and waging an insanely bloody war for four years in an attempt to defend it. And so in the year of our Lord 2012, similarly brave souls pledge their lives and sacred honors to fight against tighter regulation of the health insurance industry and moderate increases to marginal tax rates, by using the 2012 equivalent of charging headlong into a wave of Union bullets: adding their names a strongly worded petition on the White House’s website. Read more on American Patriots Send Mean E-Petitions Threatening Secession, Just Like Their Confederate Heroes Did…
  suggestion box

White House Will Now Pretend To Listen To Everyone’s Crazy Ideas

Hey, America! Do you have ideas? Do you think that maybe everyone should be able to smoke lots of weed, or drive in cars without seat belts, or that we should all be ruled by robots, instead of Barack Obama or, Allah-forbid, Rick Perry? Well, terrific, because now the White House will humor you with its brand new socialist program, “We the People.” Now, any meth addict or homeless person inside the local library can come up with a suggestion for this country, and at least for a second believe that it might actually come true. Here is the secret, though: it never will! Read more on White House Will Now Pretend To Listen To Everyone’s Crazy Ideas…
  saves the children but not the british children

Have You Signed America’s George Washington Petition Yet?

Fine, let’s try to tackle it. Every rich corporate D.C. conservative establishment liar is going to (went to?) Virginia’s most famous slave ranch, Mount Vernon, today, to sign some sort of Declaration thing, in this latest move in the evolution of the conservative astroturf movement. Two possible reactions: (a) What a bunch of cocksuckers! And also, they’re funny for doing this! (b) The whole American Revolution was fundamentally astroturfing, so who are we to call these nowadays-rich folk bad historians? YEEHAW! Read more on Have You Signed America’s George Washington Petition Yet?…
  of course he emails about this

Hooray, John McCain Would Like To Chime In!

Oh looky here, John McCain, for the first time ever, is squeezing himself into a situation that doesn’t involve him at all. My friends, let this man sit down! Fill out my form to buy Scott Brown a stool! He has been standing for so long and must sit. He must be seated LITERALLY RIGHT NOW IN THE SENATE! 100% of Americans want Scott Brown to elect himself president and take the Oval Office by about oh say 4:30 p.m. tomorrow, but first he must sit in the Senate — in any chair whatsoever within the physical Senate chamber — for a few minutes! AMERICA NEEDS THIS. [Cuntry First PAC] Read more on Hooray, John McCain Would Like To Chime In!…
  so quick

SIGNATURE-SOLICITING BROWN SHIRTS SEND FREE SPEECH TO DEATH PANELS TO DIE

Suddenly in America it is *illegal* to offer words of support for popular American television hosts such as Glenn Beck. This is not your grandfather’s American Internet anymore, people. (Anyway, time to stop signing it!) [Support Glenn Beck and His Values and Principles] Read more on SIGNATURE-SOLICITING BROWN SHIRTS SEND FREE SPEECH TO DEATH PANELS TO DIE…
  warring

Everybody Sign The Glenn Beck Petition!

Fat racist queer-sandwich Glenn Beck is losing all of the sponsors for his Fox television show, “The Fat Racist Queer-Sandwich Hour With Glenn Beck.” Will you stand for this? Who is going to provide the intellectual counterpoint to Obama, if his carcinogenic show about nothing, that no one actually watches, disappears? Sign this petition to “Support Glenn Beck and His Values and Principles.” It’s on the Internet as we speak! UPDATE: War over, we win, stop signing. Read more on Everybody Sign The Glenn Beck Petition!…
  bile

‘Thank You George W. Bush’ Webmaster Furiously Scrubbing Site

You anti-American homosexual Muslim book-skimming ACORNs have taken YET ANOTHER perfectly good & respectable website — this one designed to thank George W. Bush for the various wars and contracting economies — and ruined it with your filthy jokes about butts and poop. The site’s webmaster is now having to scrub your PUERILE CRAP petition signatures at a breakneck pace leaving him/her no time for SELF-PLEASURE. Let’s check out some of these toilet-humor “names” from you people who only want John Kerry to run the country and nothing else will do. Read more on ‘Thank You George W. Bush’ Webmaster Furiously Scrubbing Site…
  losers

Louisiana’s Boy Governor Threatened With Recall

In the great state of Louisiana, any citizen can file, for free, a petition to recall the governor — and that is exactly what some dude and his wife have done, because Bobby Jindal won’t veto a pay raise that would double the salary of state legislators. Will Ryan and Kourtney Fournier be able to bring down the crazed teenaged exorcism and castration fetishist who skyrocketed to the highest office in the state? Probably not, because they’ll have to collect nearly a million signatures in the next six months. But still! Read more on Louisiana’s Boy Governor Threatened With Recall…
 

National Press Club Gives Slot To Larry Sinclair??

Well. The National Press Club, Washington’s very Esteemed Lunch Club for reporters, has allowed Larry Sinclair to book 2.5 hours worth of prime real estate on June 18. Larry Sinclair is the guy who claimed he had hot gay blowjobs and did coke with Barack Obama in a hilariously fabricated YouTube video, and hasn’t given up his efforts, despite failing a lie detector test. Normally we think petitions are boring, but, well, sign this fucking petition. [Firedoglake] Read more on National Press Club Gives Slot To Larry Sinclair??…