Tag Archives: pete sessions

  tortured logic

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Yes, yes it is.
Yes, yes it is. Here’s a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn’t spelled G-U-N-S. This time it’s Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same person as Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions. Maybe they’re sisters! Anyway, why do we have so much gun violence, Rep. Sessions? Oh, it’s diversity, you say? Huh, WTF? Sessions attempted to explain it to radio host Chris Salcedo: Read more on Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals…
  first thing we do let's kill all the lawyers

The Week In Lawsuits: House GOP Saves Republic From King Obama With Heroic Sueage

all for you, America
Augh, summer. The heat makes everybody so agitated! Across America, politicians, ex-politicians, and the politician-adjacent have all been feelin’ extra litigious. In today’s Politigation Roundup, we bring you the beginning of one stupefyingly expensive and pointless lawsuit launched from the bowels of the House Republican Caucus, the end of another lawsuit by a former Governor and current semi-famous crazy person, and the hollowest, most eyeroll-inducing of lawsuit threats from a blogger/activist/twerp in Mississippi who doesn’t like actual journalists putting his name in the paper next to the stuff he does. Read more on The Week In Lawsuits: House GOP Saves Republic From King Obama With Heroic Sueage…
  having a ball

Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles

Oh man, guys, this Cliven Bundy thing is getting out of control. Despite his blatant racism and strong desire for the government to keep their hands off his welfare cattle, Cliven Bundy STILL has supporters. And not only do they support Bundy being a total moocher, they HATE Harry Reid. And now, these ‘domestic terrorists’ have gone one step too far: They have threatened Harry Reid’s wrinkly, hairy old-man yarbles. NOT HIS YARBLES!!1! Per Mediaite: [Mike] Vanderboegh presented an award “for incitement to civil war” in Reid’s honor and warned the senator, “Don’t poke the wolverine with a sharp stick, Harry, unless you want your balls ripped off.” We are asking Wonketeers to take one of two actions: Either send Harry Reid wolverine-resistant jock straps, or donate to the Wonket Fund To Protect Harry Reid’s Wrinkly Old-Man Nutsack (Suggested donation: $2, one for each yarble).  Read more on Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles…
  gossip girls

If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us

Harry Reid is telling tales again, and we could not love him more. He’s been fingered (gross) as the gossip girl behind the rumor that Rep. Pete Sessions told Barack Obama, to his face, in the White House, “I cannot even stand to look at you.” Wait a minute, a TEXAN being rude to a BLACK MAN? Unpossible. Is it true? Untrue? There is simply no way to ever know despite the fact that everyone who was actually there is denying it faster than Peter denied Christ. Even the White House is all, “nah mang nah mang no way and stuff.” But they WOULD say that. Because in order not to look like a giant pussy when getting told off in your own Executive Mansion, you would then have to slap Pete Sessions in the face and challenge him to a duel. And really, Professor B. Friedrich Bamzenhauer is not going to murder you unless he puts you into a coma with his droning, lecturing, professory words. But why do we believe Harry Reid? Besides because “we want to”? Let’s sexplore! Read more on If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us…
  little round top is to the individual mandate as...

Analogy Fail: Republican Rep. Compares Shutdown Fight To Gettysburg

An unnamed Republican congressman explained Thursday that the government shutdown was a whole lot like the Battle of Gettysburg: “I would liken this a little bit to Gettysburg, where a Confederate unit went looking for shoes and stumbled into Union cavalry, and all of a sudden found itself embroiled in battle on a battlefield it didn’t intend to be on, and everybody just kept feeding troops into it,” the congressman said. “That’s basically what’s happening now in a political sense. This isn’t exactly the fight I think Republicans wanted to have, certainly that the leadership wanted to have, but it’s the fight that’s here.” Hmmm… we’re sure that military history buffs in our readership could probably find far more apt historical comparisons. Read more on Analogy Fail: Republican Rep. Compares Shutdown Fight To Gettysburg…
  today in harpies

Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For Nancy Pelosi Answering Back To A Man

This is Nancy Pelosi, mom, grandma, Armani model, and once the most powerful woman in the nation. And here she is, flappin’ her gums about blah blah blah middle class blah blah blah who cares? Well, at some point during this period of time, when she is distinctly not making anyone a sandwich, Texas idiot and Ponzi Scheme lover Pete Sessions apparently laughs at her, because “gentleman.” And does Nancy Pelosi apologize as she should have, for being so ridiculous and also a member of Congress, in fact the leader of one of the two parties? She does not. She gets “snippy” with him. Read more on Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For Nancy Pelosi Answering Back To A Man…
  legendary political scuffles

Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations

Oops, it’s Friday, better check in on our beloved 112th Congress to see if they did anything (please god, spare us) or even showed up this week. Good heavens… fisticuffs? “One congressman accused another of drinking on the job in the midst of a tense exchange Wednesday night over whether the House would debate an amendment aimed at bringing the war in Afghanistan to a close.” Yes, so, again, as that masterfully constructed Politico lede (WIN!) said: The issue was an amendment to end the war in Afghanistan. Within moments, a congressman accused another congressman of drinking a legal beverage. The war in Afghanistan continued. Steny Hoyer demanded an apology on the one congressman’s behalf. After that, the war in Afghanistan continued happening. And now it’s the weekend, woo-hoo! Read more on Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations…
  oh jeez now the constitution is crying too

Constitution Was Violated By Those Who Read It Yesterday, Of Course

Two House Republicans weren’t around to strategically hand tissues to John Boehner on Wednesday as the House session opened. That wasn’t a problem, because our new speaker was able to compose himself, remembering he had to deliver a full short speech before he could hit the red wine/bronzer celebration cocktails. Unfortunately, this meant these bros, Pete Sessions and Mike Fitzpatrick, weren’t actually sworn in yesterday and were pretending to be members of Congress, in violation of the Constitution they so importantly read. Usually that sort of thing will get you shot by the Capitol Police, but they have a good excuse: When the swearing-in was going on, they were holding a fundraiser in the Capitol Visitors Center. Which is also illegal. Read more on Constitution Was Violated By Those Who Read It Yesterday, Of Course…
  'ear/voice -- e-mail'

PETE SESSIONS INSANELY GAY FOR TERRIBLE CRIMINAL: “Just hours after federal agents charged banker Allen Stanford with fleecing investors of $7 billion, the disgraced financier received a message from one of Congress’ most powerful members, Pete Sessions. ‘I love you and believe in you,’ said the e-mail sent on Feb. 17. ‘If you want my ear/voice — e-mail,’ it said, signed ‘Pete.'” So… they’re fucking. [Miami Herald] Read more on …
  media watchdogs

Joe Wilson Is Pissed At Obama For Snubbing Fox News, Or, At What Point Does Irony Become Reckless?

Sad whine, sad whine: Some of our nation’s saddest Republicans are terribly upset that Barack Obama will not put in an excruciating bad-faith appearance on some Fox News program this Sunday. You see, Obama will be stopping by the other major networks this weekend to talk about health care on “Meet the Press,” “State of the Union,” etc. etc. but has ostentatiously foregone Lou Dobbs’ highly rated Mexican vs. Lion vs. Rick Perry Gladiator Sports Match. Joe Wilson, bold idiot, decided this is unfair! “If people are going to be on the Sunday talk shows, they should be on all of them.” Joe Wilson is a public relations dare devil, he is! Read more on Joe Wilson Is Pissed At Obama For Snubbing Fox News, Or, At What Point Does Irony Become Reckless?…
  republicans in the news

GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose

Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly fantasizes about being killed for/by God, the only thing left was for the remaining wingnuts to move into caves, with their tea bags and their goats. And this may well have happened, as only 21% of Americans reachable by telephone now admit to being Republican. Anyway, now Pete Sessions is saying Obama is intentionally (and magically) causing both unemployment and a decline in the stock markets. True, maybe?! Read more on GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose…
 

Wife-Beating Loser Loses Mind

Rep. John Sweeney lost his “safe seat” in the House after it was revealed that he kinda-sorta choked his wife a while back. Since then, according to the Albany Times-Union, he has gone crazy. Read more on Wife-Beating Loser Loses Mind…