Tag: pete sessions

Texas Republican Figures It’s Cool To Screw The Gays Since Pulse Club Victims Were Just Hispanics

Why do those gays want to be protected from discrimination? Didn't Pete Sessions already send thoughts and prayers?
This is what Ted Cruz looks like when he begs for money.

Is Ted Cruz Adulterous Foreign-Born Whore? Maybe!

People, we may have to issue a correction here. We reported at you this morning that Ted Cruz had, for the first time in his life, growed himself a dick. Of course, we meant that in the sense that...
Yes, yes it is.

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Here's a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn't spelled G-U-N-S. This time it's Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same...
Mitch always goes directly into his shell when they go to marriage counseling

Republican Congress Prepares To Destroy Republican Congress In DHS Shutdown Showdown

Tick tock, tick tock, only a couple days left before the Department of Homeland Security runs out of money, and it'll be the Republicans' fault. That's a FACT, and all of America knows it. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was...
all for you, America

The Week In Lawsuits: House GOP Saves Republic From King Obama With Heroic Sueage

Augh, summer. The heat makes everybody so agitated! Across America, politicians, ex-politicians, and the politician-adjacent have all been feelin' extra litigious. In today's Politigation Roundup, we bring you the beginning of one stupefyingly expensive and pointless lawsuit launched from the...

Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles

Oh man, guys, this Cliven Bundy thing is getting out of control. Despite his blatant racism and strong desire for the government to keep their hands off his welfare cattle, Cliven Bundy STILL has supporters. And not only do...

If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us

Harry Reid is telling tales again, and we could not love him more. He's been fingered (gross) as the gossip girl behind the rumor that Rep. Pete Sessions told Barack Obama, to his face, in the White House, "I...

Analogy Fail: Republican Rep. Compares Shutdown Fight To Gettysburg

An unnamed Republican congressman explained Thursday that the government shutdown was a whole lot like the Battle of Gettysburg: "I would liken this a little bit to Gettysburg, where a Confederate unit went looking for shoes and stumbled into...

Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For Nancy Pelosi Answering Back To A Man

This is Nancy Pelosi, mom, grandma, Armani model, and once the most powerful woman in the nation. And here she is, flappin' her gums about blah blah blah middle class blah blah blah who cares? Well, at some point...

Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations

Oops, it's Friday, better check in on our beloved 112th Congress to see if they did anything (please god, spare us) or even showed up this week. Good heavens... fisticuffs? "One congressman accused another of drinking on the job...

Constitution Was Violated By Those Who Read It Yesterday, Of Course

Two House Republicans weren't around to strategically hand tissues to John Boehner on Wednesday as the House session opened. That wasn't a problem, because our new speaker was able to compose himself, remembering he had to deliver a full...

PETE SESSIONS INSANELY GAY FOR TERRIBLE CRIMINAL: "Just hours after federal agents charged banker Allen Stanford with fleecing investors of $7 billion, the disgraced financier received a message from one of Congress' most powerful members, Pete Sessions. 'I love...

Joe Wilson Is Pissed At Obama For Snubbing Fox News, Or, At What Point Does Irony Become Reckless?

Sad whine, sad whine: Some of our nation's saddest Republicans are terribly upset that Barack Obama will not put in an excruciating bad-faith appearance on some Fox News program this Sunday. You see, Obama will be stopping by the...

GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose

Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly...

Wife-Beating Loser Loses Mind