Nice hat, dude! In Time’s profoundly insightful cover package, Barack Obama’s brother-in-law reports that the President-elect is “extremely left-handed.” This is obviously some sort of code. But for what???? Anyway FAIL, Time, for not going with a more counterintuitive pick like “The Ghost of Your Fraudulent Mortgage Broker,” or “Cheryl Tiegs.” With that in mind, let’s have a look at the losers who were not designated Hawaiian Shark-God Basketballing Prodigy of the Year. MORE »

It was early an Cocktober dawn when Larry Craig, the senior senator from the great state of Idaho, finally came to terms with the path that lay before him. “Wife, come hither,” he said to his wife, who tenuously approached carrying a plate of piping hot Super Tubers. “I have been rethinking my resignation from the Senate. I said I wouldst resign due to laws barring gay men from being Republican senators. But I am defiant, wife!” His wife, however, was busy setting up an eHarmony profile, and was oblivious to her husband, the courageous Larry Craig, when he uttered these historic words: “I am an American Gay.” MORE »

Mitt Romney isn’t so happy with Time’s Person of the Year, Vladimir Putin, getting the title. “He has squelched public dissent and free press. And to suggest that someone like that is the Man of the Year is really disgusting. I’m just appalled.” The would-be Romney Administration looks forward to working with Russia, however. [CNN]

Time’s editors continued their annual assault on reason this morning by selecting Russian frienemy Vladimir Putin as its Person of the Year(tm). Impossible to relate the lameness of this selection; It’s doubtful more than 17% of Time’s readership know who Putin is. And what was so special about him this year? He had awkward dealings with the US and might be leaving power soon? Yeah, that’s what we call “any year.” Why no Rowling? I mean she only wrote about THE BATTLE OF HOGWARTS AND MAGICAL GOBLINS AND… YOU KNOW… COOL SHIT LIKE THAT. No biggie, though. [Time]

On the esteemed television program Today tomorrow (hehe, “today tomorrow”… get it?), esteemed kingmaker Meredith Vieira will announce the winner of Time’s “Person of the Year,” which the American public for some reason gives a huge shit about. MORE »

• We present 25 Mind-Numbingly Stupid Quotes by Various Idiots. Would it have killed one have them to have said their Hall of Fame worthy stupid quote TODAY? [About] MORE »

We are told that at today’s TIME Person of the Year luncheon, “Mother Nature emerged as the consensus choice.” Right. “Mother Nature.” They’ve really loosened the requirements for that “person” slot, eh? We’re hoping “The Easter Bunny” has a shot next year, or maybe “rain.” MORE »

We’ve just laid eyes on the panel for TIME magazine’s “Person of the Year” luncheon on Nov. 14 — the first of many manufactured events in the build up to the POY cover, not the least of which is the cover itself. Say one thing for the panel, though: They didn’t stint on the Coopers:

-Brian Williams
-Anderson Cooper
-Grover Norquist
-TIME’s Matt Cooper
-Donna Brazile
-Cynthia Cooper (2002 Person of the Year for ‘The Whistleblowers’)

We’re happy to see budding novelist Matt Cooper on there, of course, since otherwise the luncheon would be lacking publicity for the magazine. Does this selection say anything about who might ultimately be the POY? Speculation after the jump.

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