pentagon
With ‘Rot’ In Missile Crews And All The Rapiness, Air Force Faces Severe Purity Of Essence Gap
Wonkers of the Cold War era (which is like all but seven of you, right?) may remember the somber documentaries about the grim job of manning missile silos, with the narrator intoning that the 2-man crews had standing orders to shoot their partner if he went insane. (This may not actually be true, but we [...]
Groggy Old Mitch McConnell Bothering Pentagon About Nonsense Again
Mitch McConnell was a busy guy back on Nov. 14 — it was the day of the first Benghazi briefing, for one, and it was also the day he happened to be re-elected Senate minority leader. Amid all this excitement, however, he also sent a letter to the Pentagon’s congressional liaison, asking about a very [...]
Leon Panetta Ruining American Samurai Honor Code
Shit, guys, I’m pretty sure our secretary of defense hates women. Leon Panetta has lifted the ban on women serving in military combat roles. He hates them so much he wants them to be equal! This is a travesty. We have abandoned all of our values — at the very least the ones where women [...]
Film School: Your Exciting New Path to Obtaining Government Secrets
Right around the time in 2011 that Robert Gates was ordering everyone who knew anything about the operations of the strike that offed Osama bin Laden to shut the hell up in the name of Secrecy, a newly-released document obtained through a FOIA request shows that top Pentagon and CIA officials were holding hot gossip [...]
U.S. Troops Won’t Answer To Liberal U.N. Secretary-General Nick Fury
Sure, every single human shelled out good money this past weekend to watch their nerd fantasies come true and all of their favorite funnybook superheroes (at least all the ones owned by one specific media conglomerate, and not counting Spider-Man because he has his own movie coming out later this summer, we guess) come together [...]
GOP Senators Beg Frugal Pentagon to Request More Expensive War Toys
A group of weepy warlords in the Senate including ol’ Jowls McGoo Joe Lieberman are busily soiling their Depends over a $487 billion planned reduction in defense spending over the next decade that was included in the White House fiscal year 2013 budget. But know who is not having a whiny meltdown over the proposed [...]
Santorum: Lady Combat Troops Will Poison Male Troops With Feelings
Most people, when they imagine combat troops fighting in a war, picture gunfire and helicopters and blood and death. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, pictures sort of a dusty night club lit by the odd intermittent explosion where you know what happens when you leave the boys and girls alone in there too long [...]
Drone Terror Attack Thwarted Because Only Pentagon Is Allowed To Do That
What could be wrong about a robot-drone plane raining death and destruction upon the Enemy? Everything, when a Muslim wants to do it! (Otherwise, this is called “10 years of U.S. war in Afghanistan.”) Somehow, the FBI found an angry young Islamic dude in America who was, for some reason, angry about the endless murder [...]
Pentagon, National Cathedral Only Victims So Far In D.C. Earthquake
Wow, God’s aim is getting sloppy these days: news reports indicate that so far the Pentagon and the National Cathedral, aka His military and His crib, were the only significant locations to have sustained damage in Washington, D.C. following the exotic 5.9-magnitude earthquake that hit shortly before 2 pm ET. CNN reports that “a considerable amount [...]
Fancy Fighter Jets Costing Nation Zillions of Dollars Do Not Work
So what do these double super killer stealth F-35 fighter jets go for these days? A few million dollars? A hundred million? A BILLION DOLLARS? No, none of those things. It is actually more like, “a trillion dollars.” We were going to do a cute listicle of “things that are less expensive and yet crucially [...]
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