Tag Archives: pentagon

  nice time!

Congrats Trans Folk, Obama To Let You Meet Interesting People And Kill Them!

This little guy is very excited about all the civil rights advances lately!
As the old saying goes, “there are no transgenders in foxholes,” but that might have to be updated very soon, to something like “sometimes there are transgenders in foxholes” (which isn’t a good saying, really), because the AP is reporting that “Pentagon leaders are finalizing plans aimed at lifting the ban on transgender individuals serving in the military.” Chris Geidner at Buzzfeed says the announcement could even come Tuesday! Read more on Congrats Trans Folk, Obama To Let You Meet Interesting People And Kill Them!…
  Pobody's nerfect!

Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place

Coulda been worse. They coulda sent Slayer.
Oh, man, were there some red faces at the Dugway Proving Ground in Utah when it was discovered that the Army lab there had accidentally sent out live samples of anthrax to labs in six states and South Korea. Fortunately, it was just red faces, without any nausea, vomiting, or coughing up blood, so let’s all count our blessings, shall we? Read more on Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place…
  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  this Jade Helm thing just keeps getting better and better

Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You

PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!
High priest of the nutjob conspiracy theorists Alex Jones has utterly lost control of his congregation. He has tried to assure the Operation Jade Helm 15 truthers that a string of Walmart closings around the country have absolutely nothing to do with the TOTALLY REAL Jade Helm conspiracy, which is that a completely routine military exercise is actually a secret plot whereby President Obama may invade and conquer Texas, maybe as a way to give it to ISIS as a peace gift, or something, who can even know what Obama has up his sleeve? But the loons just won’t listen to Alex Jones, so Walmart has had to jump in and issue perhaps the most awesome press statement in the history of Walmart: Read more on Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You…
  Terror Alert Level Remains At 'Pantsload'

Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?

It is TOTALLY a conpisracy
In a move that was as touchingly optimistic as it was futile, the Pentagon attempted to reassure nervous Texans that an upcoming training exercise is definitely not a secret plan to declare martial law, impose UN control over the Alamo, or steal Texans’ magic bags of juju. The planned exercise for special operations troops, called Jade Helm 15, got online conspiracy theorists so overheated about the imminent end of Freedom and Liberty that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott last week ordered the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on the federals just to make sure they won’t get up to any funny stuff. And now that the Department of Defense has dismissed the conspiracy claims as “wild speculation,” you can pretty much bet that the more excitable elements of the interwebs will calm down and go back to worrying about real threats, like chemtrails and ISIS infiltration of Texas delis. Read more on Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?…
  Try Not To Be Too Shocked OK?

Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought

Imagine that.
As we’ve mentioned once or twenty times, the Pentagon has a bit of a problem with rape. Just how bad a problem with rape? Hard to say — a 2013 Defense Department report estimated that about 26,000 members of the military were raped in 2012. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand has been trying to find out more about how the Pentagon deals with sexual assaults, so last year she asked the DoD for files on sexual assault at each of the four major services’ largest bases from 2009 to 2013. After dragging its feet forever, the Pentagon finally gave her 107 case files — from one year only, 2013. And even that limited information turned up a far greater problem with sexual assault in the military than the Pentagon has been willing to acknowledge, according to Gillibrand’s report on the files, released late last week. Read more on Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought…
  Salute in your shorts

Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year

People of the wingnut variety are always yammering on about “outta control government spending!” and “I am being tyrannied into buying SLUT PILLS for all the ladies!” and dumb liberals always say, you know, if they were coming after your Viagra you’d be mad too. One entity that is NOT coming after your Viagra is the United States military. Originally, all patriotic Americans were under the impression that the military was spending about $500K a year on boners,  but the Military Times did some rock-hard-hitting penis journalism and found that the real cost of keeping your men boned up is $84.24 million per year: Read more on Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year…
  A Crock O' Shit Now

In Pentagon’s Special Vietnam History, Everything Was Beautiful And Nothing Hurt

America: Kept Safe By Being The World's Policeman
2015 is the 50th anniversary of the American deployment of ground troops to Vietnam — oh, sure, there were “advisors” well before that, but March 8, 1965 was when we first sent in 3,500 Marines. And to mark the anniversary, the Pentagon has set up a really cool website, at the cost of a mere $15 million, which aims to honor veterans and commemorate their service. The site also prominently features an educational section whose goal is to Read more on In Pentagon’s Special Vietnam History, Everything Was Beautiful And Nothing Hurt…
  its a gas gas gas

U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)

Oh, never mind: It says 'Made in USA'
The New York Times has a huge Pulitzer-bait story by C.J. Chivers about injuries to U.S. military forces from old, unstable chemical weapons in Iraq, and how the Bush administration and the Pentagon covered it all up. It’s big, it’s a jaw-dropping exposé of shoddy treatment of soldiers, and you should read it. Read more on U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)…
  Science: What Has It Done For Us?

Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming

It's Banksy, in a canal, with a spray can.
Paul Ryan one-upped the rest of the Republican Party in a debate against his Democratic challenger Monday night. Most R’s have been content to say that they don’t have to express an opinion on the reality of climate change because “I’m not a scientist.” But Paul Ryan went one better and said that neither are scientists. Read more on Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming…
  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, however, launching airstrikes on Syria. Just in Syria. See the difference? Read more on U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!…
  and who says journalism is dead?

Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money

Are you ready to be shocked? Not just shocked, but SHOCKED? In an effort to scoop the VOX-FiveThirtyEight-Industrial-Statistical-Complex, Military.com has put together a super-sophisticated voluntary online poll that asks the really tough questions: Do you want to make more money, or less? Do you want to know the results? Can you even imagine what those results might be? Because it is a really hard question to answer, and we bet that you will never ever guess what that answer is. The answer is: About nine in 10 active-duty service members oppose the Defense Department’s proposals to reduce their pay raises and basic allowances for housing, according to a new survey by Military.com. In an online chatcave survey of wonket writers, nine out of ten of us were drunk. But ten out of ten thought that this was a stupid fucking survey. Eleven out of ten of us wondered why news outlets bothered to give it coverage. Let’s sadsplore.  Read more on Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money…
  hot buttered guns

GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts

If Congress signs off on the Pentagon’s latest plans, the US Army will be smaller than it’s been since before your grandpa fought at the Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, X-Men, and Cracker Barrel, yer Gramma got a coupon. This might look like a “cut” in the sense that something is being reduced, except it’s not; the Pentagon plans to spend $115 billion more over the next five years than the Budget Control Act of 2011, aka the sequester, would have permitted. Remember the sequester? The thing that such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul of Texas voted for? The sequester cut the defense budget by about 10%! It was “devastating,” we heard! So such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul are probably thrilled with the idea of giving $115 more billion dollars to our military, right? “It’s all being sacrificed … on the altar of entitlements. This president cannot take on mandatory spending, so all we’ve done in the Congress — and this president — is basically cut discretionary spending,” [Rep. McCaul] told Fox News. Yep, he’s thrilled all right! He has found another thing to point at and yell “Obama takers did a socialism!” while being a huge hypocrite at the very same time. Mike McCaul for Darrell Issa 2016! Read more on GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts…
  master and commander

Go Away, The Army General’s Batin’

The problem of misconduct by America’s Military Leaders is a very serious matter that deserves serious attention. Happily, many fine publications are doing that, so let’s talk about this WaPo story about the fapping colonel. As part of a story on officers being less than gentlemen, the Post found the tale of Brigadier General Martin P. Schweitzer, a commander with the 82nd Airborne, who was so thrizzled to meet just-elected North Carolina Rep. Jocelyn RENEE (sorry, fap-story-related free-association brainfart) Ellmers in 2011 that he just had to send an email to a couple of other officers about how “smoking hot” the congresslady was. And then in a reply to a follow-up email, Schweitzer had to explain his tardy reply: More than an hour later, Schweitzer responded with an apology for the delay, saying he had masturbated “3 times over the past 2 hours” after the meeting with the congresswoman. Does WaPo share the full email with us? It does not. Sad state that journalism is in today. Read more on Go Away, The Army General’s Batin’…