Tag Archives: pentagon

  Pobody's nerfect!

Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place

Coulda been worse. They coulda sent Slayer.
Oh, man, were there some red faces at the Dugway Proving Ground in Utah when it was discovered that the Army lab there had accidentally sent out live samples of anthrax to labs in six states and South Korea. Fortunately, it was just red faces, without any nausea, vomiting, or coughing up blood, so let’s all count our blessings, shall we? Read more on Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place…
  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  this Jade Helm thing just keeps getting better and better

Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You

PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!
High priest of the nutjob conspiracy theorists Alex Jones has utterly lost control of his congregation. He has tried to assure the Operation Jade Helm 15 truthers that a string of Walmart closings around the country have absolutely nothing to do with the TOTALLY REAL Jade Helm conspiracy, which is that a completely routine military exercise is actually a secret plot whereby President Obama may invade and conquer Texas, maybe as a way to give it to ISIS as a peace gift, or something, who can even know what Obama has up his sleeve? But the loons just won’t listen to Alex Jones, so Walmart has had to jump in and issue perhaps the most awesome press statement in the history of Walmart: Read more on Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You…
  Terror Alert Level Remains At 'Pantsload'

Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?

It is TOTALLY a conpisracy
In a move that was as touchingly optimistic as it was futile, the Pentagon attempted to reassure nervous Texans that an upcoming training exercise is definitely not a secret plan to declare martial law, impose UN control over the Alamo, or steal Texans’ magic bags of juju. The planned exercise for special operations troops, called Jade Helm 15, got online conspiracy theorists so overheated about the imminent end of Freedom and Liberty that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott last week ordered the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on the federals just to make sure they won’t get up to any funny stuff. And now that the Department of Defense has dismissed the conspiracy claims as “wild speculation,” you can pretty much bet that the more excitable elements of the interwebs will calm down and go back to worrying about real threats, like chemtrails and ISIS infiltration of Texas delis. Read more on Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?…
  Try Not To Be Too Shocked OK?

Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought

Imagine that.
As we’ve mentioned once or twenty times, the Pentagon has a bit of a problem with rape. Just how bad a problem with rape? Hard to say — a 2013 Defense Department report estimated that about 26,000 members of the military were raped in 2012. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand has been trying to find out more about how the Pentagon deals with sexual assaults, so last year she asked the DoD for files on sexual assault at each of the four major services’ largest bases from 2009 to 2013. After dragging its feet forever, the Pentagon finally gave her 107 case files — from one year only, 2013. And even that limited information turned up a far greater problem with sexual assault in the military than the Pentagon has been willing to acknowledge, according to Gillibrand’s report on the files, released late last week. Read more on Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought…
  Salute in your shorts

Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year

People of the wingnut variety are always yammering on about “outta control government spending!” and “I am being tyrannied into buying SLUT PILLS for all the ladies!” and dumb liberals always say, you know, if they were coming after your Viagra you’d be mad too. One entity that is NOT coming after your Viagra is the United States military. Originally, all patriotic Americans were under the impression that the military was spending about $500K a year on boners,  but the Military Times did some rock-hard-hitting penis journalism and found that the real cost of keeping your men boned up is $84.24 million per year: Read more on Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year…
  A Crock O' Shit Now

In Pentagon’s Special Vietnam History, Everything Was Beautiful And Nothing Hurt

America: Kept Safe By Being The World's Policeman
2015 is the 50th anniversary of the American deployment of ground troops to Vietnam — oh, sure, there were “advisors” well before that, but March 8, 1965 was when we first sent in 3,500 Marines. And to mark the anniversary, the Pentagon has set up a really cool website, at the cost of a mere $15 million, which aims to honor veterans and commemorate their service. The site also prominently features an educational section whose goal is to Read more on In Pentagon’s Special Vietnam History, Everything Was Beautiful And Nothing Hurt…
  its a gas gas gas

U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)

Oh, never mind: It says 'Made in USA'
The New York Times has a huge Pulitzer-bait story by C.J. Chivers about injuries to U.S. military forces from old, unstable chemical weapons in Iraq, and how the Bush administration and the Pentagon covered it all up. It’s big, it’s a jaw-dropping exposé of shoddy treatment of soldiers, and you should read it. Read more on U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)…
  Science: What Has It Done For Us?

Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming

It's Banksy, in a canal, with a spray can.
Paul Ryan one-upped the rest of the Republican Party in a debate against his Democratic challenger Monday night. Most R’s have been content to say that they don’t have to express an opinion on the reality of climate change because “I’m not a scientist.” But Paul Ryan went one better and said that neither are scientists. Read more on Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming…
  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, however, launching airstrikes on Syria. Just in Syria. See the difference? Read more on U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!…
  and who says journalism is dead?

Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money

Are you ready to be shocked? Not just shocked, but SHOCKED? In an effort to scoop the VOX-FiveThirtyEight-Industrial-Statistical-Complex, Military.com has put together a super-sophisticated voluntary online poll that asks the really tough questions: Do you want to make more money, or less? Do you want to know the results? Can you even imagine what those results might be? Because it is a really hard question to answer, and we bet that you will never ever guess what that answer is. The answer is: About nine in 10 active-duty service members oppose the Defense Department’s proposals to reduce their pay raises and basic allowances for housing, according to a new survey by Military.com. In an online chatcave survey of wonket writers, nine out of ten of us were drunk. But ten out of ten thought that this was a stupid fucking survey. Eleven out of ten of us wondered why news outlets bothered to give it coverage. Let’s sadsplore.  Read more on Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money…
  hot buttered guns

GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts

If Congress signs off on the Pentagon’s latest plans, the US Army will be smaller than it’s been since before your grandpa fought at the Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, X-Men, and Cracker Barrel, yer Gramma got a coupon. This might look like a “cut” in the sense that something is being reduced, except it’s not; the Pentagon plans to spend $115 billion more over the next five years than the Budget Control Act of 2011, aka the sequester, would have permitted. Remember the sequester? The thing that such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul of Texas voted for? The sequester cut the defense budget by about 10%! It was “devastating,” we heard! So such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul are probably thrilled with the idea of giving $115 more billion dollars to our military, right? “It’s all being sacrificed … on the altar of entitlements. This president cannot take on mandatory spending, so all we’ve done in the Congress — and this president — is basically cut discretionary spending,” [Rep. McCaul] told Fox News. Yep, he’s thrilled all right! He has found another thing to point at and yell “Obama takers did a socialism!” while being a huge hypocrite at the very same time. Mike McCaul for Darrell Issa 2016! Read more on GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts…
  master and commander

Go Away, The Army General’s Batin’

The problem of misconduct by America’s Military Leaders is a very serious matter that deserves serious attention. Happily, many fine publications are doing that, so let’s talk about this WaPo story about the fapping colonel. As part of a story on officers being less than gentlemen, the Post found the tale of Brigadier General Martin P. Schweitzer, a commander with the 82nd Airborne, who was so thrizzled to meet just-elected North Carolina Rep. Jocelyn RENEE (sorry, fap-story-related free-association brainfart) Ellmers in 2011 that he just had to send an email to a couple of other officers about how “smoking hot” the congresslady was. And then in a reply to a follow-up email, Schweitzer had to explain his tardy reply: More than an hour later, Schweitzer responded with an apology for the delay, saying he had masturbated “3 times over the past 2 hours” after the meeting with the congresswoman. Does WaPo share the full email with us? It does not. Sad state that journalism is in today. Read more on Go Away, The Army General’s Batin’…
  rainbow nice time

Defense Secretary Hagel Rams Gay Servicemember Benefits Down National Guard’s Throats

Happy Gayvember, everyone! How is the Pentagon defying G_d today? Per Stars and Stripes: Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel on Thursday sharply criticized U.S. states that are defying the Pentagon by refusing to allow National Guard facilities to issue ID cards that enable same-sex spouses of military members to claim benefits. “This is wrong,” Hagel said in a speech in New York. Hooray for Nice Time! Let’s see how this is gonna get resolved.  Read more on Defense Secretary Hagel Rams Gay Servicemember Benefits Down National Guard’s Throats…
  everything turning up rainbows for gaymerica

Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers

Gays have it so easy, man. They can marry in 13 states, people – THIRTEEN! That’s as many as were originally in America when Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean to found this nation! And they can serve openly in the military, no longer having to fear being outed as they risk their lives in bullshit wars that we fought ’cause of daddy issues. But it seems that the gays are never satisfied, and keep wrangling for special benefits because they are so privileged. Well, one brave senator is sick and tired of all the special benefits that the LGBTQMORELETTERS community continue to get in America, and he is not going to take it anymore! Per ThinkProgress: Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) blasted a proposed Pentagon policy aimed at giving same-sex couples the time to travel to states where they can legally marry on Thursday. YES! Anger at the military for policies about teh gheys!! This is just the kind of outreach envisioned after a crushing 2012 electoral defeat where 95% of gays voted for that effeminate Obama character! Let’s gaysplore what has Inhofe’s panties in a totally-not-gay wad.   Read more on Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers…
  playing 'ride of the valkyries' just makes it worse

Fox Nation Simply Does Not Care For Fort Hood Suspect’s Fancy Sky Limousine

From Fox Nation, another exciting claim with only a tangential connection to reality: “VIP Treatment: Accused Fort Hood Shooter Gets Daily Helicopter Rides.” How shocking! We bet he gets his very own toilet, right in his cell, too! Why on earth is Major Nidal Hasan gallivanting around in a helicopter like some kind of king, or should we say, like his buddy, Barack Hussein Obama? While a prisoner awaiting trial, Hasan is ferried by helicopter nearly every day, complete with an additional helicopter escort and security detail, for the 20-mile journey between the Bell County Jail and Fort Hood, courtesy of the United States Army and American taxpayers. Astonishing! Outrageous! You know who else got free helicopter rides? Latin American dissidents and also those nuns! Read more on Fox Nation Simply Does Not Care For Fort Hood Suspect’s Fancy Sky Limousine…
  Get Snitch Or Die Prying

We Have The Pentagon’s Training Brochures On How To Stop Whistleblowing Spy Stuff

Everyone who works for the government is a secret agent now. Their mission: spy on their coworkers just to make sure nobody leaks information — classified, unclassified or totally obvious — to the American public, but especially that Glenn Greenwald guy. (Yeesh, that guy. Amirite, General?) So, how does one educate these career civil servants and contracted employees in the Tippy-Top Secret Art of Intelligence Tradecraft? Basically: pamphlets, mandatory webinars, you know, the usual, maybe have them get together into groups later, do skits. Last week, McClatchy’s Washington Bureau — the newsgathering arm of fast food giant McClatchy’s — made waves with an investigative report detailing President Obama’s Insider Threat Program: a sweeping crackdown on all government leakers, everywhere, all the time, period, no excuses, Sasha, Malia, your mom, Joe Biden, Bo, grandma inclusive. Initiated in October 2011, Insider Threat broadly expanded the internal profiling of potentially leaky employees, as well as increasing the penalties for either leaking or failing to report things that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers would call “spicious.” In the intervening two years, FDA scientists, Peace Corp volunteers, Department of Agriculture bureaucrats and Social Security administrators have all been told to spy on one another or git burnt. Referenced in the McClatchy piece is a pamphlet put out by the Defense Security Service (DSS) titled “Insider Threats: Combating the ENEMY within your organization.” The pamphlet calmly encourages snitching on coworkers who put in “repeated or un-required work outside of normal duty hours” or coworkers who suddenly can afford things like a Bugatti Veyron. But that pamphlet was just the tippy-top of the DSS pamphlet iceberg! Read more on We Have The Pentagon’s Training Brochures On How To Stop Whistleblowing Spy Stuff…
  yeeeee-haaaaw!

With ‘Rot’ In Missile Crews And All The Rapiness, Air Force Faces Severe Purity Of Essence Gap

Wonkers of the Cold War era (which is like all but seven of you, right?) may remember the somber documentaries about the grim job of manning missile silos, with the narrator intoning that the 2-man crews had standing orders to shoot their partner if he went insane. (This may not actually be true, but we remember Alistair Cooke saying it.) Well, it turns out that the spit and polish is wearing a little thin in the missile silos these days, because after a recent review of the 91st Missile Wing at Minot Air Force Base, North Dakota, the Air Force has stripped 17 officers of their authority to control nuclear missiles. The inspection revealed what the group’s deputy commander described in a report as “rot in the crew force” leading to lax safety and readiness. So now everybody in godforsaken Minot is going to have to get their act together and stop being so rotten! Read more on With ‘Rot’ In Missile Crews And All The Rapiness, Air Force Faces Severe Purity Of Essence Gap…
  Onward Christian Soldier ... To Jail

Breitbart Says Obama To Force Pentagon To Feed Christian Soldiers To Lions, More Or Less

Oh dear lord, what is President Obummer making the Pentagon do now? Well, nothing, actually, but that has never stopped the conspiracy theorists at Breitbart from saying stuff anyway, so let’s see what they’ve pulled directly out of their asses today, shall we? The Pentagon has released a statement confirming that soldiers could be prosecuted for promoting their faith: “Religious proselytization is not permitted within the Department of Defense…Court martials and non-judicial punishments are decided on a case-by-case basis…”. The statement, released to Fox News, follows a Breitbart News report on Obama administration Pentagon appointees meeting with anti-Christian extremist Mikey Weinstein to develop court-martial procedures to punish Christians in the military who express or share their faith. Is there an actual statement from the Pentagon? No. Is there even a link to Fox News? Hell no! Is that any reason to think this rumor that some jackhole with dial-up is claiming is not, like, The God’s Honest Truth? Hell no some more! After all, this is Breitbart we’re talking about, which is the newspaper of record for people who like to have all of their “news” based on forwarded emails from their batshit crazy uncles. And Uncle Batshit says Obama is going to make Jesus illegal in the military or something like that. Read more on Breitbart Says Obama To Force Pentagon To Feed Christian Soldiers To Lions, More Or Less…
  everything on the internet is true

Groggy Old Mitch McConnell Bothering Pentagon About Nonsense Again

Mitch McConnell was a busy guy back on Nov. 14 — it was the day of the first Benghazi briefing, for one, and it was also the day he happened to be re-elected Senate minority leader. Amid all this excitement, however, he also sent a letter to the Pentagon’s congressional liaison, asking about a very troubling news report a constituent sent him for verification, because apparently people do that, still, and they are actually paid attention to! Cool. What was this thing McConnell (OK, an aide) needed to know about, from the people in the official Pentagon? He had heard that the Guantanamo prisoners were allowed to get benefits through the GI Bill, and that this story was real, and not in any way a joke, from a website exclusively full of jokes. Read more on Groggy Old Mitch McConnell Bothering Pentagon About Nonsense Again…