Wonkette

Check out Walnuts and his old friend Arlen Specter campaigning in the Pennsylvania town of “Media” yesterday. The “old hands” don’t seem to enjoy schlepping this broad around very much, but whatcha gonna do? McCain rally strategy: come on stage with some other local old Senator dude, then roll out that brat in the leather jacket and have her say the words “hockey mom” and do a flip into a pool of 40-degree water, naked. [Philadelphia Will Do]

Joe Biden has one job this election: to get the Bitters in Pennsylvania to vote for a black Muslim. That is literally all he has to do. Maybe Ohio, too, but mostly Pennsylvania, because he was of course born there! In Scranton, the famous town where Happiness goes to die. On Friday, he went to Northeast Philadelphia — “The Scranton of Philadelphia” — to meet some old white folks and tell ‘em about Barry. He even kissed some old gal on the forehead, but she was disgusted, because there’s a huge stumbling block among these “white ethnics” Joe Biden is targeting: they really, really hate black people. MORE »

You may remember Tony Rodham from the 1990s when he and his brother Hugh were constantly getting their sister Hillary Clinton in trouble by securing pardons for their buddies, befriending hostile foreign leaders, having affairs, doing drugs, and so forth and so on. They were not very classy folks, unlike their morally stalwart sister and her husband, the President. And now Tony is back, fucking everything up again, and hosting a get-together with John McCain’s female outreach coordinator, Carly Fiorina, in an area of Pennsylvania that voted heavily for Clinton in the primary. [Scranton Times-Tribune]

Maverick John McCain is at it again, sticking his finger in the eye of the Republican establishment by saying he wouldn’t rule out a pro-choice running mate. Two names came to mind — Tom Ridge and Michael Bloomberg — and in a recent interview with the Weekly Standard McCain strained to point out that Ridge was far more appealing because he only loved abortions, not both abortions and The Gays. MORE »

While Barack Obama continues to putz around like a jerk on vacation in “exotic” Hawaii, John McCain has been campaigning across Pennsylvania with Tom Ridge, the guy who inexplicably decided he’d rather serve as George W. Bush’s powerless anti-terrorism bitch than remain a popular governor of a large state. Well, the Pennsylvanians are just loving this pair. They’re packing the crowds, chanting McCain’s name, you name it. And if you can even believe it, some teenage girls are waking up before dawn to get into McCain rallies. Hope is for dopes! All the kids talk about these days is that old Republican bastard, John McCain. MORE »

When a gentleman loves a state very very much, he gives it a box of chocolates and then asks it to go “parking” with him, and then he gropes it for a while and if his love is truly true, he opens up a “post office box” in that state. Thus, a declaration from John McCain’s campaign that the candidate intends to open up a PO box in Pennsylvania means he is serious about romancing the voters there. MORE »

Hey, here is a sexy state scandal while we wait for Hopey to set up his podium ‘n stuff! Pennsylvania State House Majority Leader H. William DeWeese might have to resign because his chief of staff allegedly hired some youngster he (the chief of staff, Michael Manzo) was banging to do pretty much nothing for $30,000 a year. Because all these people are Democrats, it’s a boring heterosexual affair, and while this story could be improved if the gal had been making, oh, ten times that pitiful amount, we’ll work with it. Hilarious details after the jump. MORE »

OMG Obama’s first general election ad. In case the reality of this election hasn’t fully sunk in for you yet, this ad should do it: every second of the next 4.5 months will be Barack Obama trying to convince old white Democratic-leaning voters in western Pennsylvania that he doesn’t want to blow up their houses in the name of Allah and/or O.J. Simpson. This election will literally be about that and nothing else. [YouTube]

Huzzah, here are some new fake polling results from Quinnipiac today: Obama 47, McCain 43 in Florida; Obama 48, McCain 42 in Ohio; Obama 52, McCain 40 in Pennsylvania. Now Obama will be president for life and McCain will be banished to Mongolia to start a new life as “Maverick of the Yaks.” [The Page]

The biggest investigative report during the endless Pennsylvania primary run-up involved Barack Obama bowling with some Bitters and Sen. Bob Casey, where he rolled a pathetic 37. He was so distraught over his big city fairy’s performance that he stopped campaigning altogether and played basketball — at which he excels — instead. But the man has demons, demons that require a focused purging, and that is why he now plans on destroying the White House bowling alley and replacing it with a court for his game, which, again, is basketball. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Are you tired of Pennsylvania primary news, now that it’s over? Ha ha, just kidding, obviously you were tired of it weeks and weeks before it even happened. Nevertheless, we feel that the following cartoons about America’s favorite “Keystone State” will help bring a sense of closure to this dark period in our lives, and get you ready for the next stage, which will involve wishing you never, ever heard the word “Indiana.” MORE »

Remember how Barack Obama lost the great state of Pennsylvania because he was too busy eating his Hamas waffles to explain why he’s in league with the terrorists? What you might not know is that he made his dickish, wheedling plea to “let me eat my waffles” through a mouthful of those same waffles he purported not to be able to eat. (He is a contemptible liar.) Watch Mumbly Joe Obama totally ducking important foreign policy questions, and eating waffles, in this video. And then see this other less good video of exactly the same thing after the jump! MORE »

Here’s your Barack Obama, all alone on this giant luxury jet plane, reading his newspapers and perhaps flipping the bird to Hillary, the airplane, and especially the political journalists who are again pretending that Hillary Clinton can “win” the nomination, when she doesn’t have enough votes or delegates to actually do that. Also, taped to the cabin ceiling … a blood-stained towel? [AP Photo]