Tag Archives: pennsylvania

  Undaunted Courage

Dumb Pennsylvania Democrat Doesn’t Even Know She Is Supposed To Run Screaming From Obamacare

Here’s how “cray-cray” the “conventional wisdom” has “gotten” for the 2014 midterms: according to our pals at Talking Points Memo, it’s apparently really bold and out-there that Pennsylvania Rep. Allyson Schwartz is actually running on Obamacare instead of away from it. In this ad, Schwartz, who’s seeking the Democratic nomination for governor, says she’s proud of having to helped write the Affordable Care Act, and takes incumbent Gov. Tom Corbett to task for his failure to expand Medicaid in the state. She even promises to push for Medicaid expansion if she’s elected. What kind of weird advertisement is this, anyway? It doesn’t feature even a single bit of footage of Schwartz shooting or cutting the balls off of anything. Freaking weirdo. Read more on Dumb Pennsylvania Democrat Doesn’t Even Know She Is Supposed To Run Screaming From Obamacare…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but that were far too stupid to ignore altogether. Apply alcohol directly to your central processing unit as needed. Or your computer’s. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble…
  but what party does the attacker belong to?

Gun Humpers Pretty Thrilled About Pennsylvania High School Boy Stabbing All Those Kids

You’ve probably already heard about the awful attack at Franklin High School in Murrysville, Pennsylvania; 20 people injured, four of them critically, and a suspect, a 16-year-old male sophomore, is in custody. It’s not clear how many of the injuries directly resulted from the knife; some may have also occurred while kids were trying to get away. Although some of the worst injuries were life-threatening, everyone is expected to recover. No word on possible motive yet, although it’s pretty obvious it never would have happened if children still prayed in school. You will be astonished to learn that the attack in the Pittsburgh suburb is already being cited as evidence that gun control is worthless. Read more on Gun Humpers Pretty Thrilled About Pennsylvania High School Boy Stabbing All Those Kids…
  morning boehner

John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick

You know what a fate worse than death would be? Paying the fry cook at your local McBurgerQueen slightly more than the shitty wage she is earning today. Weeper of the House John Boehner would rather kill himself than see hardworking Americans be able to earn a living wage. Per The Hill: Speaker John Boehner is so against raising the minimum wage that he once said he would rather commit suicide than vote for a “clean” increase. Okay, so “once” was in 1996, but we haven’t heard that he’s taken his head out of the oven this time around. And we kind of agree. No, not with killing himself because WE VALUE ALL HUMAN LIFE HERE. (Wonkers, no ideating on his death — or dismemberment — in the comments, thank you.) But because who would want to live in a world where someone working two part-time jobs is able to afford food for their ENTIRE family?!? *Shudder* Oh, did we mention that Boehner just bought an $835k vacation home in Florida? Haha, fuck you poor people.  Read more on John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick…
  nice time!

Quick, Let’s All Do Frauds On PA Elections

Mitt Romney’s chances of winning Pennsylvania’s electoral votes were dealt a serious blow on Friday as a Commonwealth Court judge issued a permanent injunction against the enforcement of PA’s strict voter ID law. In the ruling, Judge Bernard L. McGinley noted that, despite compelling evidence that the law would disenfranchise hundreds of thousands of eligible voters, the state did a poor job of explaining why the law was necessary, in the sense that they did not even attempt to do so: Respondents stipulated that the reason [for the law] was not predicated upon in-person voter fraud, and that there were no specific incidents of voter fraud underlying passage of the Voter ID law. Oh sure, they expect us to believe that Democrats were winning all those elections because people were legally voting for them. Read more on Quick, Let’s All Do Frauds On PA Elections…
  guns or butthurt

Suspended Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief Sues So Hearing On His Firing Won’t Move To Godless Scranton

It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from Uberpatriot Mark Kessler, the indefinitely-suspended police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania. As you recall, he created a bit of a stir last summer when he posted several videos of himself bravely shooting photographs of Nancy Pelosi and calling for “cleansing” U.S. America of liberals and liberal news agencies and so on. Last time we checked in with him was in October, when his termination hearing was interrupted by a supporter’s loaded handgun falling out of its holster and onto the floor of the meeting room. The hearing was suspended until a more suitable location with decent security could be found. Well! Turns out the Borough of Gilberton wants to resume that hearing in the Lackawanna County Courthouse in Scranton, a whole hour’s drive away. Kessler filed a lawsuit to prevent the hearing from being held outside of Schuylkill County, because obviously a hearing in the next county over would violate his rights. This man knows his rights, and they include owning guns, carrying guns, fondling guns, talking about guns, sleeping with guns, shooting pictures of people who might take away his guns, gazing lovingly at guns, talking about shooting people who might take away his guns, and not having troops quartered in his home in time of peace. Read more on Suspended Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief Sues So Hearing On His Firing Won’t Move To Godless Scranton…
  no father-land for you

Nazi Dad Just Wants His Parental Reichs

Heath Campbell, the neo-Nazi asshat who made headlines a few years back when a supermarket refused to inscribe the name of his then-3-year-old son, “Adolf Hitler Campbell,” on a birthday cake, is back in business being a free speech martyr, contending that his brand-new baby daughter, Eva Braun Campbell, was taken by New Jersey child protection workers immediately after birth because of his political beliefs. Campbell, who has nine children by five different women — and has custody of none of them — told the New York Daily News of his constant victimization: “I’m not allowed to have children because I’m a Nazi … That’s what they’re saying. Well, I’ll stop making them when they stop taking them.” In reality, despite his insistence that the state took custody of his other children — Adolf Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, Honzlynn Jeannie, and Heinrich Hons — solely because of his political beliefs, state officials have denied that Campbell’s politics are an issue in his custody case; while privacy laws prevent release of family court details, a 2010 appeal of one case indicated that the children were placed in state care because of alleged domestic violence. But with the state unable to say anything about why the children haven’t been returned, Campbell is free to say whatever he wants about his unjust persecution while he dresses up in his pretend Nazi uniform. Read more on Nazi Dad Just Wants His Parental Reichs…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Have A Banner Week (Updated)

We’re back in the Wonkette Bunker O’Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound that we reserve for stories about guns and the wonderful people who fondle them. And as usual, we have some inspiring tales of proud Americans protecting their lives and property from threats foreign and domestic — mostly domestic, as all three of our top stories involve responsible gun owners shooting family members and neighbors, which is just the price we have to pay for Liberty. That pic up top, incidentally, is from a charming Buzzfeed collection of people who got guns for Christmas and shared photos of their prizes on social media. We don’t really begrudge Dad his rifle up there — looks like an actual hunter, at least. But there are also a whole passel of teen boys who got AR-15s for Christmas — as we know, they’re traditionally the most stable, responsible part of the population, famous for their excellent decision-making. They should definitely be armed. Say, wasn’t there a song about a girl who got a rifle for Christmas? Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Have A Banner Week (Updated)…
  tidings of fear and loathing

Alleged Rapey GOP Chair And Gropey Mall Santa Go To Jail Go Directly To Jail

As usual, please resist the urge to hurl your computer across the room. Today, we have a pair of horrible people who have (ALLEGEDLY) done terrible things: A former county Republican Party chair who resigned shortly before being charged with raping a paralegal after an office party. A mall Santa who has been charged with groping a photo elf. You know, seasonal human interest story. Don’t these idiots know that Blowvember is supposed to be about embarrassing consensual sex? They not only fail at Blowvember, but at being human beings. Read more on Alleged Rapey GOP Chair And Gropey Mall Santa Go To Jail Go Directly To Jail…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy

Happy Saturday, Wonkaroonies, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, where we stomp on a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on, to squeeze out whatever funny may still be in them. If the mixture tastes a little off, add booze. (This almost exactly how they make “Sunny Delight.”) Item Numero Uno is not strictly Political Derp, but we do Media Derp, too. Plus it is from Yr Dok Zoom’s own hometown of Boise, Idaho. On Thursday, KIVI teevee sportsball guy Paul Gerke did his entire four-minute segment in costume and character as Ron Burgundy, which we understand was a character played by the great comedic actor “Kevin Nealon.” It’s just about the most press that our fair city has gotten since the Broncos won the Siesta Bowl sportsball tournament a few years ago, so we are obliged to write about it. Thanks for the national attention, Deadspin! Nice for Idaho to get some attention that involves neither neo-nazis nor Senator Widestance. Video after the jump, for those of you who are into celebrity impressions that add a Minnesota accent to a character that didn’t originally have one. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy…
  You've got to fight for your right to heart boobies

Supreme Court May Decide If You Can Heart Boobies

Damn kids these days, with their rock ‘n roll devil music and their whip-its (wait, is that still a thing?), and their bracelets to raise awareness about breast cancer. The court battle between two girls and their Pennsylvania school over “I (heart) Boobies!” bracelets could be settled by the U.S. Supreme Court. The Easton Area School District board voted 7-1 Tuesday night to appeal a federal appeals court’s decision that rejected its claim the bracelets are lewd and should be banned from school. This seems like a perfectly reasonable policy, doesn’t it? School is no place for boobie-hearting, after all. Clearly, they are just trying to turn school into some kind of “hyper-sexualized environment,” as the school district solicitor John Freund said, and could not possibly have any other legitimate reason for talking about boobies. Except for maybe this reason. Read more on Supreme Court May Decide If You Can Heart Boobies…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, that weekly big ball of wadded-up idiocy from our inbox that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite merit a full-length Wonket post. Up first, a quick visit to that land of fiscal restraint, North Carolina, where Gov. Pat McCrory presided over a 2013 legislative session that raised taxes on the poor and cut them on the rich, resulting in a projected $2 billion cut in state revenues over the next five years. The revenue loss will require huge cuts for social programs and public schools — after all, what can go wrong when you slash school budgets, anyway? — but times are hard, and you gotta be careful not to waste the taxpayers’ money. Which is why it only makes sense that Gov. McCrory is going to spend $230,000 on “remodeling bathrooms in his private living quarters at North Carolina’s Executive Mansion.” Sound like they’ll be really nice once the work is done: Planned upgrades include new marble, tubs and fixtures for six bathrooms on the upper floors of the Victorian-era home in Raleigh. We aren’t sure we can be too angry about this, though, since the last time the bathrooms in the Governor’s Mansion were refurbished was in the 1970’s. Gov. McCrory shouldn’t have to deal with all those fixtures in Avocado and Harvest Gold. Besides, there’s probably some extra costs involved in making sure the bathrooms aren’t compliant with Sharia law. You can’t be too careful about these things. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies…
  not the philadelphia story we prefer

Government Cuts Won’t Hurt Anyone, Except Maybe When A 12-Year-Old Dies Because Her School Had No Nurse

Before you read this story, you may want to make sure you secure any heavy objects nearby, so that you won’t hurl them through your computer monitor. From the Philadelphia City Paper, just one more example of what happens when you make government small enough to drown in a bathtub: Children will die. Sixth-grader Laporshia Massey died from asthma complications, according to her father, who says he rushed her to the emergency room soon after she got home from school on the afternoon of Sept. 25. He says Laporshia had begun to feel ill earlier that day at Bryant Elementary School, where a nurse is on staff only two days a week. This day was not one of those days. Daniel Burch, Laporshia’s father, is angry and wants to know whether Philadelphia’s resource-starved school district failed to save his daughter’s life. The Pennsylvania state legislature has declared war on funding for Philadelphia’s schools, and Laporshia Massey is just part of the collateral damage. Read more on Government Cuts Won’t Hurt Anyone, Except Maybe When A 12-Year-Old Dies Because Her School Had No Nurse…
  3 sheets to the wind

Government Shutdown Leaves Sad Klansmen Unable To Desecrate Gettysburg Battlefield

Here’s your government shutdown feel-good-ish story for the day: thanks to the shutdown, a KKK rally planned for Saturday at the Gettysburg National Military Park has been cancelled. A Philadelphia TV station reports that when the shutdown began, the park rescinded all permits for special events; among the events cancelled was a Saturday march by the “Confederate White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.” Read more on Government Shutdown Leaves Sad Klansmen Unable To Desecrate Gettysburg Battlefield…
  that's not racial transcendence

Pennsylvania School Administrators’ Texts Not All Racist — Some Were Sexist, Too

The Superintendent and the Director of Athletics and Activities for the Coatesville Area School District in Pennsylvania both “unexpectedly resigned” during the first week of school this year. Turns out that they had been trading racist texts on their school-provided phones for most of the summer. Not the sort of stupid Obama-as-a-witch-doctor kind of thing that county GOP officials resign over, either. Nope, these idiots (Richard Como, the superintendent, and Jim Donato, the athletic director) were swapping full-on, n-word-filled messages of pure, uncut, slap your hand to your forehead and wonder how these morons got to be in positions of responsibility in the 21st Century, racial anti-transcendence. We kind of thought that white people were only this bigoted in movies nowadays, but obviously we lead a sheltered life. Not as sheltered (or clueless) as Donato, though, since he didn’t even bother deleting the messages from his phone before asking a school IT employee to transfer all his data to a new phone, which is how they were discovered. Two cheers for technnologically incompetent racists, we suppose. Read more on Pennsylvania School Administrators’ Texts Not All Racist — Some Were Sexist, Too…
  signs of the derpocalypse

Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief To Team Up With Shooty Screamy Tactical Guy To Shoot, Scream, Fight Crime

You probably remember Gilberton, Pennsylvania, police chief and rejected Wonkette contributor Mark Kessler, the gentleman who expected to be silenced because of his principled, heavily armed stand against a paper picture of Nancy Pelosi and his obscenity-peppered warnings about libtards? Turns out he was kind of a prophet (or could just see the blindingly obvious), because he went and got himself suspended indefinitely by unanimous vote of the Gilberton City Council — officially, not so much for his precious free speech, but for “using borough property [his assortment of guns] for non-borough purposes without prior borough permission.” But don’t worry! He has a plan! He’s going to team up with James “I’m gonna start shooting people” Yeager, the idiot who reacted to the Sandy Hook massacre with an insane obscenity-peppered YouTube rant about the need to start protecting the second amendment with deadly effect, just as soon as it’s time to start the Revolution. Which is soon. Real soon. Kessler has announced that he will become a firearms instructor for Yeager’s Tennessee-based company, Tactical Response. Isn’t bromance grand? Read more on Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief To Team Up With Shooty Screamy Tactical Guy To Shoot, Scream, Fight Crime…
  one of these things is not like the other

Pennsylvania GOP Governor Logically Compares Gay People To Dumb Little Children

Pennsylvania Republican Governor Tom Corbett is not a happy man. He is bound and determined to stop a county-level municipal employee from spreading human rights and dignity, because that is not appropriate on Corbett’s watch. Since July 24, a Montgomery County official, D. Bruce Hanes, has been issuing marriage licenses to any old Adam and Steve who apply — and has issued 154 marriage licenses to sodomites and lesbomites since then. Gov. Corbett knows that ya gotta keep a close eye on that shit, or pretty soon traditional marriage will be destroyed, which would force cows and goats to marry pineapples, obviously. Gov. Corbett’s administration is not taking this promotion of basic decency sitting down — they are fighting it in court, per Philly.com: In a brief Wednesday, state attorneys said those marriage licenses were never valid, and compared gay and lesbian couples to “12-year-olds” who are also barred from marrying under state law. Come on, 12-year-olds… everyone knows you need to go to Alabama. But while you work on getting those parental consent forms, let’s wonksplore this Pennsylvania issue some more.  Read more on Pennsylvania GOP Governor Logically Compares Gay People To Dumb Little Children…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time

Somehow, the end of the week brought us a flurry of stories that are all special wonderful snowflakes of stoopid, and while they’re all worthy of pointing and laughing at, we just can’t devote an entire post to each of them. After all, we have a full day of coddling radical Islam to get to! And so, here’s a collection of shorts. If this format proves popular, we may make it a semi-regular thing, giving everyone a chance to get into Wonkette’s shorts. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time…
  the first rule of frack club

Gag Reflex: Big Gas Tries To Get Kids To Shut The Frack Up

Do not be outraged by this story of a Pennsylvania family whose settlement with Range Resources, the fracking company that (allegedly) “contaminated their water supply and caused burning eyes, sore throats and headaches,” includes a lifetime gag order on their children, aged 7 and 10 at the time of the settlement. OK, you can be a little bit outraged, as it’s less than awesome that this family had to move because their property is (allegedly) unfit for human habitation, and who knows what long-term health effects they’ll all suffer, and doesn’t the $750,000 they got from the fracking company seem kinda low? All that sucks, totally. But the lifetime gag order on these two kids whose ages didn’t even add up to one adult is actually terrific, and here’s why: Read more on Gag Reflex: Big Gas Tries To Get Kids To Shut The Frack Up…
  When Life Gives you Lemons Burn Life's House Down

12-Year-Old Robs Lemonade Stand At BB Gunpoint; NRA Silent So We’ll Assume He Is White

Here’s a data point for anyone working on their dissertation about the lemonade stand as symbolic avatar for American Capitalism.* Never mind Fox News fantasies about Barack Obama trying to destroy young entrepreneurs, now the kids need to worry about getting robbed at gunpoint. A BB gun, but still. TPM reports that a 12-year-old boy will be charged in juvenile court after using a BB gun to rob a 10-year-old’s lemonade stand: Read more on 12-Year-Old Robs Lemonade Stand At BB Gunpoint; NRA Silent So We’ll Assume He Is White…
  we call it riding the gravy train

Pennsylvania’s Screaming Parody Of A Wingnut Police Chief Now Too Radical For ‘Oath Keepers’

So you remember that charming young man, Mark Kessler, the police chief for Gilberton, Pennsylvania? He’s the guy who wants to “cleanse” America of all the enemies of liberty, like libtards who all “take it in the ass.” He also posted a video where he shot up targets that he labeled “Nancy Pelosi” and “John Kerry” and so on, but he also says he’s not in favor of armed rebellion, at least not just yet. That guy. Well since we are in the mood today for updates, how about an update on Chief Asshat? Yes, please, Salon’s Alex Seitz-Wald, we would read that! We bet this guy just has a million wingnut supporters coming out of the woodwork… Meanwhile, a group of pro-gun law enforcement and military officials with whom Kessler has aligned himself say they want nothing to do with the chief. “Chief Kessler is not working with Oath Keepers, nor is Oath Keepers working with him,” Elias Alias, who sits on the Oath Keeper’s board of directors, said in an email to Salon. Oh no…the libtards have gotten to the Oath Keepers, too! It’s the only possible conclusion! (Also, “Elias Alias” is totally a name for a punk rock singer, not a militia guy.) Read more on Pennsylvania’s Screaming Parody Of A Wingnut Police Chief Now Too Radical For ‘Oath Keepers’…
  to protect and lurve

Cussy PA Police Chief Calls For Armed March On Tyrants, ‘Cleansing’ Country Of Libtards, In Unsuccessful Bid To Write For Wonkette

It is too bad Wonket does not allow comments, because if it did, surely Gilberton, Pennsylvania, Police Chief Mark Kessler would make the cut! He could come and tell us how we worthly wonket scum take it up the ass and need to be “cleansed” from the country (as Dems, liberals, and “liberal news agency’s”) because Hitler, and how we are him. We feel like maybe Mark Kessler, the police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, is unclear on the nation-cleansing concept? Anyway, here is a thing that Gilberton, Pennsylvania, Police Chief Mark Kessler wrote! “I’m calling on all true Americans, all militia members, all true oath keepers to assemble, be ready to march on a tyrannical county government right here in Schuylkill county Pennsylvania, democrats are the true enemy of our country, our freedoms, our constitution, along with liberal news agency’s , liberal news reporters, much like hitlers nazis , time we clean these antiamerican thugs from office,” he wrote. Also, and we are not kidding, he is a member of the local schoolboard. Who else does Mark Kessler, Gilberton, Pennsylvania, police chief, think it would be hilarious to murder with his gun today, but only because of his freedom of speech? Read more on Cussy PA Police Chief Calls For Armed March On Tyrants, ‘Cleansing’ Country Of Libtards, In Unsuccessful Bid To Write For Wonkette…