Tag: pennsylvania

John Kasich Will Underpants Gnome His Way To GOP Nomination, You’ll See

John Kasich is a man with a (bad) plan to (not) win the Republican primary, y'all. He knows you don't actually have to win the primary to Win The Primary. See, if Donald Trump doesn't reach the 1,237 delegate threshold required...

Bill Cosby To Ring In New Year From Jail, Maybe

In hot hot BREAKING news this morning, we woke up to find out that JELLO-pop-fueled sexual assault machine Bill Cosby is goddamn finally being criminally charged. It really couldn't have happened to a more terrible guy. Now, although more than...
And to think, he seemed so stable.

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief In Hoosegow For Simple Lady-Threatening Misunderstanding

Mark Kessler, the former police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, and one of Yr Wonkette's favorite wingnut gun fondlers, has ended up pretty much where we thought he might when he first came to our attention back in 2013. (Then...
If you were lucky enough to sext with an actual human on Ashley Madison, maybe this was your girlfriend!

Ashley Madison Cheater Wannabes Mostly Just Sexting With Robots And Josh Duggar

So here is some news you can use, which will shock and awe you right to your core, if you are A Idiot. All the HEY LADIES on the Ashley Madison website? Fake. Fake fake fake fake fake. FAKE!...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side...
Not an exact rendering of the couple.

‘Dad’ Gay Marries ‘Son’ In Pennsylvania, But Not In A Gross Kid-Touching Way

Oh no, the slippery slope the religious right has been warning us about for decades is real! Boys marrying boys, cowboys marrying horses, cowgirls marrying toasters, and now, in Pennsylvania, a father has gone and married his own son....
All you have to do is look at this picture, and you will immediately lose your urge to bone people.

Rick Santorum: The Only Presidential Candidate Willing To Fist You With Your Own Moneys

Just a few weeks ago, we were very excited to hear that the frothy mix of a man known as Rick Santorum was thinking of lubing up and sliding right into the 2016 Republican primaries, so that he could...
Maybe we can blame gay marriage.

Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays

Here's a moment that's more than a little iconic of what's gone wrong with politics in your 2015 America: Within a few hours of the Amtrak crash in Philadelphia, House Republicans voted to cut Amtrak's budget by about 20...
Worth every penny

Big Oil: All Your Tax Dollars Are Belong To Us

This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, pipelines, fracking, and subsidizing our own demise via Global Warming Just in case you were wondering, America is still shoveling huge amounts of taxpayer...
Suck it up, fracking water is good for you!

Surprise! Pennsylvania Fracking F*cks The Poors Hardest And Longest

Fracking, it appears to be kind of dangerous! Beyond the fact that the byproducts of the unnatural drilling process seem to cause earthquakes in all kinds of fun places what usually do not get to experience damaging earthquakes, it...
Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all...
Haha bros, sorry you dressed up as a gay stereotype and stuff.

Clever Gay-Hating Bigot Children Hang Nooses, Offer To Lynch Gay Kids. For Jesus.

Students at McGuffey High School in Claysville, Pennsylvania -- not far from Pittsburgh, but far enough away that they are in the "Alabama" section of the state -- have had it with having to live in a world where...
You pledge allegiance to Flag Cat right now!

Elementary School Nurse Will Determine If Students Are Patriotic Enough For Her Services

It is a well-established fact that any American, for any reason, can refuse to say the Pledge Of Allegiance, as an exercise of their First Amendment rights. Perhaps they find it creepy, or aren't too keen on the religious...
Middle seat, too. Never fails.

Lady-Douche Professor Is Your New Revolutionary Thoreau, By Being A Dick On An Airplane

Some people just don't handle the stress of commercial air travel well. If you're an emotionally wrecked drunken racist, you might slap a little baby for crying. If you're an overstressed pilot, you may start ranting about Afghanistan and...
Pennsylvania's execution chamber, 2000

Pennsylvania Governor Jumps On Trendy Not-Executing-People Bandwagon

So here's one to chalk up in the "good news" column: new Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf has fulfilled a campaign promise and imposed a moratorium on the death penalty in his state, calling the capital punishment system "error-prone, expensive...

GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb

See that crew cut up there? That’s Scott Perry, representative for Pennsylvania’s fourth congressional district, spanning a wide swath along the portion of the state known as Pennsyltucky, which is basically everything between Philly and Pittsburgh, a general morass...