Tag Archives: pennsylvania

  Robot sausage party

Ashley Madison Cheater Wannabes Mostly Just Sexting With Robots And Josh Duggar

If you were lucky enough to sext with an actual human on Ashley Madison, maybe this was your girlfriend!
If you were lucky enough to sext with an actual human on Ashley Madison, maybe this was your girlfriend! So here is some news you can use, which will shock and awe you right to your core, if you are A Idiot. All the HEY LADIES on the Ashley Madison website? Fake. Fake fake fake fake fake. FAKE! Like, if you are a dude, and you got on the internet and were like, “Oh boy howdy, I am going to do adultery against my wife tonight,” what actually happened is you fapped your dick furiously looking at profiles that were fake, but you don’t know that, because you are dumb. Also, too, that’s why those “ladies” never emailed you back, because they were robots, or maybe they were Josh Duggar working out yet another one of his BDSM sex fantasies, by pretending to be a lady. Read more on Ashley Madison Cheater Wannabes Mostly Just Sexting With Robots And Josh Duggar…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  nice time!

‘Dad’ Gay Marries ‘Son’ In Pennsylvania, But Not In A Gross Kid-Touching Way

Not an exact rendering of the couple.
Oh no, the slippery slope the religious right has been warning us about for decades is real! Boys marrying boys, cowboys marrying horses, cowgirls marrying toasters, and now, in Pennsylvania, a father has gone and married his own son. BUT WAIT, stop running away! This is actually a Nice Time, and heartwarming, and is NOT AT ALL about kid-touching. Read more on ‘Dad’ Gay Marries ‘Son’ In Pennsylvania, But Not In A Gross Kid-Touching Way…
  fuckin' A

Rick Santorum: The Only Presidential Candidate Willing To Fist You With Your Own Moneys

All you have to do is look at this picture, and you will immediately lose your urge to bone people.
Just a few weeks ago, we were very excited to hear that the frothy mix of a man known as Rick Santorum was thinking of lubing up and sliding right into the 2016 Republican primaries, so that he could lose again, because his only known skill is losing. (He’s VERY good at it.) And now that day has come! Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for US American President Wednesday in Cabot, Pennsylvania, a state that fired his ass from being senator, by double digits. You are probably wondering what lovely things will be on his campaign platform. Will it be the thing about how you’re not really doing Jesus-approved sex, unless you are barebacking? Will it be about how much he despises Americans, for their erotic freedoms, which are obviously not as important as religious freedom? Will he ban all the abortions, to get revenge on his wife’s hot abortionist ex-lover? It is all of these things and more, we will tell you it now! Read more on Rick Santorum: The Only Presidential Candidate Willing To Fist You With Your Own Moneys…
  Goin' Off The Rails On A Crazy Train

Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays

Maybe we can blame gay marriage.
Here’s a moment that’s more than a little iconic of what’s gone wrong with politics in your 2015 America: Within a few hours of the Amtrak crash in Philadelphia, House Republicans voted to cut Amtrak’s budget by about 20 percent. While they were at it, they rejected a Democratic attempt to increase funds to put in place a safety system that almost certainly would have prevented the crash. Read more on Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays…
  Follow The Money...And Hold Your Nose

Big Oil: All Your Tax Dollars Are Belong To Us

Worth every penny
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, pipelines, fracking, and subsidizing our own demise via Global Warming Just in case you were wondering, America is still shoveling huge amounts of taxpayer money at fossil fuel companies, because without tax incentives, the poor dears would be unable to turn a profit. Or at least, unable to pile up higher record profits. And we’d never have any jobs ever again! Or something. The Guardian brings us a fun investigation of just a few of the wonderful ways in which the world’s richest corporations are receiving big taxpayer bucks — and would you believe the subsidies for each of the three projects they looked at just happened to be pushed by politicians who received nice fat campaign contributions from the oil industry? You would? Gosh, that’s pretty cynical of you. Keep it up. Read more on Big Oil: All Your Tax Dollars Are Belong To Us…
  You thought they were doing it in rich neighborhoods?

Surprise! Pennsylvania Fracking F*cks The Poors Hardest And Longest

Suck it up, fracking water is good for you!
Fracking, it appears to be kind of dangerous! Beyond the fact that the byproducts of the unnatural drilling process seem to cause earthquakes in all kinds of fun places what usually do not get to experience damaging earthquakes, it is believed to be responsible for injecting toxic sludge into the water supply, and generally polluting everything up right nice. Noise pollution, air pollution, water pollution — pick a pollution, and fracking will probably do it to you. In Pennsylvania, where 1,400 environmental violations have been cited as a direct result of the practice, you might be very surprised to learn that poor people are bearing the brunt of it, and that all their water is brown and gross, because they do most of the fracking in very poor areas. What, did you think they were going to do it in gated communities? Read more on Surprise! Pennsylvania Fracking F*cks The Poors Hardest And Longest…
  Sunday Gossip Hour

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People…
  And they did it wearing flannel!

Clever Gay-Hating Bigot Children Hang Nooses, Offer To Lynch Gay Kids. For Jesus.

Haha bros, sorry you dressed up as a gay stereotype and stuff.
Students at McGuffey High School in Claysville, Pennsylvania — not far from Pittsburgh, but far enough away that they are in the “Alabama” section of the state — have had it with having to live in a world where LGBT also live and make a point, one day a year, about how they do not want to be bullied (and worse) by their classmates, for being gay. So in response to the high school’s annual Day Of Silence, the Not Gay kids decided to hold “anti-gay” days on Thursday and Friday, where they all got to dress up as lesbians as bears in flannel shirts, and they wrote “anti-gay” on their hands, and, according to openly bisexual student Zoe Johnson, made a list of gay kids to hang, as kids do: Read more on Clever Gay-Hating Bigot Children Hang Nooses, Offer To Lynch Gay Kids. For Jesus….
  Sounds like somebody got her school nurse certificate online

Elementary School Nurse Will Determine If Students Are Patriotic Enough For Her Services

You pledge allegiance to Flag Cat right now!
It is a well-established fact that any American, for any reason, can refuse to say the Pledge Of Allegiance, as an exercise of their First Amendment rights. Perhaps they find it creepy, or aren’t too keen on the religious part of it (which, contrary to popular conservative myth, was only added in 1954, and not by Jesus himself). Perhaps they HATE AMERICA, but probably not. This was established by the Supreme Court in 1943, in a case called West Virginia Board Of Education v. Barnette, so it’s not exactly breaking news. But some people seem to have been playing hooky from reading their 1943 SCOTUS decisions, because a school nurse at Wilson Middle School in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, decided to unleash on, and then refuse to treat, an eighth grade student who chose to exercise right to remain seated when the daily Pledge Time happened. Read more on Elementary School Nurse Will Determine If Students Are Patriotic Enough For Her Services…
  Rudes For Radicals

Lady-Douche Professor Is Your New Revolutionary Thoreau, By Being A Dick On An Airplane

Middle seat, too. Never fails.
Some people just don’t handle the stress of commercial air travel well. If you’re an emotionally wrecked drunken racist, you might slap a little baby for crying. If you’re an overstressed pilot, you may start ranting about Afghanistan and Israel. If you’re a rich televangelist, you might avoid it all by getting your flock to buy you a $65 million Gulfstream G650. And if you’re a sociology professor from Penn State,  you just might rant about the U.S. declaring war on Venezuela while you light up a cigarette to show you’re into hardcore civil disobedience. Read more on Lady-Douche Professor Is Your New Revolutionary Thoreau, By Being A Dick On An Airplane…
  The Moratorium The Merrier

Pennsylvania Governor Jumps On Trendy Not-Executing-People Bandwagon

Pennsylvania's execution chamber, 2000
So here’s one to chalk up in the “good news” column: new Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf has fulfilled a campaign promise and imposed a moratorium on the death penalty in his state, calling the capital punishment system “error-prone, expensive and anything but infallible.” Good on him! Read more on Pennsylvania Governor Jumps On Trendy Not-Executing-People Bandwagon…
  What a quandary

GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb

See that crew cut up there? That’s Scott Perry, representative for Pennsylvania’s fourth congressional district, spanning a wide swath along the portion of the state known as Pennsyltucky, which is basically everything between Philly and Pittsburgh, a general morass of meth and dumb interspersed with the occasional Amish. Anyway, Perry was hanging out with Yr Wonkette’s second-favorite Mooslim-hater — really, you need to ask who’s number one? — the other day for something called the Defeat Jihad Summit, which must have been a hoot, can’t believe we missed it. Eventually the subject turned, as these things do, to the Authorization to Use Military Force against the Islamic State that the president requested earlier this week. Read more on GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb…
  Our Cold Merely Wounded Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves

Nobody wearing a 'take responsibility' shirt would ever act irresponsibly!
Time for another roundup of just a few exciting stories of Responsible Gun Owners keeping themselves safe from crime and from the threat of tyrannical government overreach! We’ll ease into our Gun Fun with a story that’s happily non-lethal — so far, at least. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves…
  Behind Blue Whines

Pittsburgh Police Chief Says No To Racism. Cops As Fine With This As You’d Expect

Wow, that's so controversial!
Yet another leader of a large police department is learning that you’d better not ever suggest that racism is a thing that exists, or you will be accused of Disloyalty to the Thin-Skinned Blue Line. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Police Chief Cameron Mclay is getting a lesson in how post-racial America works: Read more on Pittsburgh Police Chief Says No To Racism. Cops As Fine With This As You’d Expect…
  I Was A Idiot For The FBI

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man

Mark Kessler shoots a picture of a clown while pretending it is Nancy Pelosi
Remember that insane screamy gun-humper guy Mark Kessler, who got canned from his job as police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, after posting a bunch of YouTube videos where he shot at photos of Nancy Pelosi and called on patriots to fight the tyrannical government and wanted to cleanse America of libtards, and liberal reporters and other enemies of freedom who all “take it up the ass”? The guy who even the “Oath Keepers” militia thought was a tad too radical? Last we heard from him, he was maybe going to get a reality teevee show or team up with another screamy shooty guy to form a legion of stupidheroes? Read more on Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man…