Tag Archives: pennsylvania

  Rudes For Radicals

Lady-Douche Professor Is Your New Revolutionary Thoreau, By Being A Dick On An Airplane

Middle seat, too. Never fails.
Some people just don’t handle the stress of commercial air travel well. If you’re an emotionally wrecked drunken racist, you might slap a little baby for crying. If you’re an overstressed pilot, you may start ranting about Afghanistan and Israel. If you’re a rich televangelist, you might avoid it all by getting your flock to buy you a $65 million Gulfstream G650. And if you’re a sociology professor from Penn State,  you just might rant about the U.S. declaring war on Venezuela while you light up a cigarette to show you’re into hardcore civil disobedience. Read more on Lady-Douche Professor Is Your New Revolutionary Thoreau, By Being A Dick On An Airplane…
  The Moratorium The Merrier

Pennsylvania Governor Jumps On Trendy Not-Executing-People Bandwagon

Pennsylvania's execution chamber, 2000
So here’s one to chalk up in the “good news” column: new Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf has fulfilled a campaign promise and imposed a moratorium on the death penalty in his state, calling the capital punishment system “error-prone, expensive and anything but infallible.” Good on him! Read more on Pennsylvania Governor Jumps On Trendy Not-Executing-People Bandwagon…
  What a quandary

GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb

See that crew cut up there? That’s Scott Perry, representative for Pennsylvania’s fourth congressional district, spanning a wide swath along the portion of the state known as Pennsyltucky, which is basically everything between Philly and Pittsburgh, a general morass of meth and dumb interspersed with the occasional Amish. Anyway, Perry was hanging out with Yr Wonkette’s second-favorite Mooslim-hater — really, you need to ask who’s number one? — the other day for something called the Defeat Jihad Summit, which must have been a hoot, can’t believe we missed it. Eventually the subject turned, as these things do, to the Authorization to Use Military Force against the Islamic State that the president requested earlier this week. Read more on GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb…
  Our Cold Merely Wounded Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves

Nobody wearing a 'take responsibility' shirt would ever act irresponsibly!
Time for another roundup of just a few exciting stories of Responsible Gun Owners keeping themselves safe from crime and from the threat of tyrannical government overreach! We’ll ease into our Gun Fun with a story that’s happily non-lethal — so far, at least. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves…
  Behind Blue Whines

Pittsburgh Police Chief Says No To Racism. Cops As Fine With This As You’d Expect

Wow, that's so controversial!
Yet another leader of a large police department is learning that you’d better not ever suggest that racism is a thing that exists, or you will be accused of Disloyalty to the Thin-Skinned Blue Line. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Police Chief Cameron Mclay is getting a lesson in how post-racial America works: Read more on Pittsburgh Police Chief Says No To Racism. Cops As Fine With This As You’d Expect…
  I Was A Idiot For The FBI

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man

Mark Kessler shoots a picture of a clown while pretending it is Nancy Pelosi
Remember that insane screamy gun-humper guy Mark Kessler, who got canned from his job as police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, after posting a bunch of YouTube videos where he shot at photos of Nancy Pelosi and called on patriots to fight the tyrannical government and wanted to cleanse America of libtards, and liberal reporters and other enemies of freedom who all “take it up the ass”? The guy who even the “Oath Keepers” militia thought was a tad too radical? Last we heard from him, he was maybe going to get a reality teevee show or team up with another screamy shooty guy to form a legion of stupidheroes? Read more on Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man…
  Wow So Shooty Much Tradition

NRA Protects Pennsylvania’s Right To Eat Dogs

If you eat me now, do it quick, so that the meat does not become tough
Hooray, Pennsylvania state Senate! You came close to doing a solid for our animal friends — you passed a bill that would result in a prison sentence for anyone who “[breeds,] keeps, sells, offers for sale or transfers a dog or cat for the purpose of human consumption.” Good on ya! And Pennsylvania actually needed that, seeing as how state SPCA investigators found a number of operations where people actually were doing that. Even Republican Gov. Tom Corbett was expected to sign it, because really, who wants dogs and cats being bred as food? Read more on NRA Protects Pennsylvania’s Right To Eat Dogs…
  cool story bro

Pennsylvania School Board President Sorry If You Were Offended By His Hilariously Racist Videos

Brad Rigler
We do not know much about what a school board president or member in Pennsylvania does, but there are two things we can say for sure you should not do if you hold one of those positions. One, don’t be a screeching gun nut who proudly uses pictures of Nancy Pelosi for target practice. And two, if you have a channel full of YouTube videos you created of yourself making (or pretending to make) racist prank phone calls, take them down before your school district finds out about them. Read more on Pennsylvania School Board President Sorry If You Were Offended By His Hilariously Racist Videos…
  Land Of The Freaked And Home Of The Terrified

What Stupid Pointless Ebola Freakouts Are We Having Today?

Keep Calm and Freak Right The Fuck Out
Now that the first group of people to be exposed to Thomas Eric Duncan — including his fiancée and other members of his family in Dallas — have made it through their 21-day quarantine period without developing the disease themselves, you might think that maybe people might be calming down just a little bit, maybe. But then, maybe you are not a panic-mongering moron, so you may not be typical, you un-American weirdo. Maybe you’re not rushing out to buy flimsy “protective” gear or Vitamin C (or “colloidal silver” to turn your skin blue), but plenty of people are — or at the very least, scammers hope so. And it’s never a bad time to have a good old-fashioned panic over every last rumor and sneeze, like the nice people in Mississippi who pulled their children out of the local middle school when they learned that the principal had recently visited Zambia, which doesn’t even have any Ebola diagnoses, but is very definitely in Africa. Or the timid souls of Strong, Maine, who insisted on turning their town’s name into a possible Twilight Zone locale when they convinced the school board to place an elementary-school teacher on a 21-day leave because he’d been to an educational conference in Dallas. Those monsters should be coming down Maple Street any minute now. Read more on What Stupid Pointless Ebola Freakouts Are We Having Today?…
  Statuary Rape

Pennsylvania 14-Year-Old Could Get Two Years In Prison For Desecrating Jesus Statue’s Mouth With His Wanger

Wham Bam Thank You Lamb Of God
A Pennsylvania teen is getting an education in morality and jurisprudence after he posted photos of himself pretending to do oral sex with a statue of Our Lord And Savior, Jumped-Up Jesus H. Face-Fucker. The young miscreant, a resident of Everett, Pennsylvania, posed with a statue in front of Everett’s Love in the Name of Christ nonprofit, posted the pics to Facebook, and was eventually reached by the long arm of the law, although the photo is not obscene (while shirtless, the kid is wearing baggy shorts which fully cover his Sin Parts) and the statue was not damaged. There’s no physical desecration, so this is no “Piss Christ” or “Bukakke Jebus.” Even so, this simulated oral violation of the Lord calls for some simulated justice! Read more on Pennsylvania 14-Year-Old Could Get Two Years In Prison For Desecrating Jesus Statue’s Mouth With His Wanger…
  Two Cheers For Pennsylvania (Some Conditions Apply)

Pennsylvania Gov Corbett Accepts Filthy Obamacare, Nation Weeps For Lost Innocence

skeptical nurse is skeptical
After a year of negotiations, Pennsylvania has gotten federal approval for its alternative to Medicaid expansion, which will insure about 600,000 low-income Pennsylvanians through payments to private insurers. The benefits will be stingier than the federal Medicaid program, and will add some extra bureaucracy, but Republican Gov. Tom Corbett gets to call it market-based and not quite Obamacare, exactly, so that’s a pretty fair trade-off for delaying insurance for poor people for over a year. Read more on Pennsylvania Gov Corbett Accepts Filthy Obamacare, Nation Weeps For Lost Innocence…
  Another edition of excellence in GOP lady outreach

Pennsylvania Gov Wants To Make It Easier For The Ladies To Buy Booze And Make Him Some Sammiches

Hey ladies! GOP wants you to run for Congress!
So this is a little awkward. Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett (R-Obviously, As You Shall See) has a swell idea to reach out to the ladies, because we all know how great Republicans are at that. (That’s sarcasm. Lots of sarcasm. ALL THE SARCASM.) Read more on Pennsylvania Gov Wants To Make It Easier For The Ladies To Buy Booze And Make Him Some Sammiches…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!

The right to bare legs is much more fun
Good golly, there’s a whole lot of shootin’ going on! America’s Responsible Gun Owners have been keeping the peace all on their lonesome, some with deadlier results than others. Let’s dig through the shell casings and see what’s out there! Read more on Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!…
  push the pram a lot

PA High School Principal Cancels ‘Spamalot’ After Gay Wedding Turns Him Into A Newt

Moral scolds in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania, have triumphed over the linked evils of the Homosexual Agenda and Musical Theater, cancelling a student production of Monty Python’s Spamalot that had been planned for Spring 2015. Parents complained that the play’s material — based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail — was inappropriate for students at the combined junior-senior high school because it included a same-sex wedding scene, but if any comedy is more purely adolescent than that of Monty Python, we don’t want to know what it is. Read more on PA High School Principal Cancels ‘Spamalot’ After Gay Wedding Turns Him Into A Newt…
  hey remember obamacare?

How Obamacare, John Roberts, and Pennsylvania (Nearly) Screwed My Mom

“He said, ‘If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.’ Oh yeah?” This was my mother yelling at the president, which I hadn’t heard her do since Bush II. This was a woman who can hardly believe how much the Republican Party has changed since she registered to vote for Richard Nixon. Who voted for Obama twice. “And I would again,” she says. “I really think he’s been good.” But that night on the phone, a hundred miles away, she sounded like she was rehearsing a CPAC keynote. She reminded me of an angrier, Philly-inflected Julie Boonstra, the Michigan cancer patient whose Obamacare “horror story” gave the Koch-backed group Americans for Prosperity an undeniably effective multimedia weapon in February. I was skeptical. I knew that the Boonstra story actually ends with a Washington Post fact check finding that, far from being disadvantaged by Obamacare, Boonstra “will save more than $1,200 a year.” So, I started asking questions. And it turned out that my mom did indeed seem to be getting screwed. Read more on How Obamacare, John Roberts, and Pennsylvania (Nearly) Screwed My Mom…
  congratulations graduates: science is a lie

Wingnut School Board President Uses Graduation Speech To Audition For AM Radio Show

You know what would be a nice change from the usual high school commencement speech? A speech that really lets the graduates know the challenges they’ll face in the adult world, that motivates them to be the change they wish to see, that demonstrates that they can make a difference. For instance, at last Wednesday’s high school graduation ceremonies in Quakertown, Pennsylvania, the president of the Quakertown Community School Board, Paul Stepanoff, used the occasion to rant at the graduates about how climate change is fake and abortion needs to be banned. It really gave the graduates a whole bunch of reasons to become active in local politics and to work to get Paul Stepanoff off the Quakertown Community School Board. Mission: Accomplished! Read more on Wingnut School Board President Uses Graduation Speech To Audition For AM Radio Show…
  lose this number

Passive-Aggressive Misspelled Text Messages Are The Best Father’s Day Gift

So let’s say you want to be in charge of communications for the York County Domestic Relations department, which handles things like child support payments. What is a smart thing you could do to improve relationships with the people you work with? Did you answer “send them a misspelled text message insinuating they are a deadbeat while also passive-aggressively wishing them a Happy Father’s Day? You are probably super qualified for this job! Read more on Passive-Aggressive Misspelled Text Messages Are The Best Father’s Day Gift…
  stupor tuesday

A Children’s Treasury Of Primary Election Results. Neither Crazy Idaho Guy Won :(

In the closest thing to a “Super Tuesday” in this off-year election, a whole bunch of Tea Party candidates did worse than expected against “mainstream” Republicans who had better funding and who all sound like teabaggers now anyway. The biggest win of the night was less of a surprise now than it might have been a couple months back: Senate Minority Leader Mitch “Lord Terrapin” McConnell easily won his Kentucky Senate primary against Louisville businessman and chicken-boxing enthusiast Matt “B’kaww!” Bevin. Looks like institutional money and power are everything they’re cracked up to be. McConnell will face Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes in November, and in his victory speech charmingly suggested that she is not a real Kentucky candidate, but a big Fakey McFakerton who will cram Obamacare down your throat, warning, “The people who handpicked my opponent are not on your side.” And so the Charm Offensive begins. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Primary Election Results. Neither Crazy Idaho Guy Won :(…
  another one bites the dust

In Fatal Blow To Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania Will Now Begin Gay Marriage Throat-Cramming

So unless you do not have the internets or are really really afraid of the gays, you know that yesterday a federal judge struck down Pennsylvania’s gay marriage ban. Do you know how much gay marriage throat cramming that makes? It makes so much throat cramming that we cannot even keep track any longer and had to go to Wikipedia to figure out how many states were going to make you get all gay married against your will. Short answer: non-homosexxicans, you are running out of room. Gays gonna be errrywhere soon. With all the gay gayness happening, we’d kind of forgotten that the Pennsylvania decision was even pending, which is a shame since our boy Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum is one of Pennsylvania’s finest worst achievements, and you just have to imagine that he is on his knees trying to rip his own heart out and sacrifice it to God just to make all the gayness stop. But it will never stop. In fact, if any of you homosexxican commenters hail from Pennsylvania, it’s your sacred duty to go find Rick Santorum right now and force him to gay marry you this very day. Bring your dog, of course. Read more on In Fatal Blow To Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania Will Now Begin Gay Marriage Throat-Cramming…
  at my signal unleash derp

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief Returns For Unspecified Mayhem And Hell-Unleashing

Sweet Shiva the Destroyer have we missed you, former police chief Mark Kessler of Gilberton, Pennsylvania. Whatchya been up to? Anger management classes? Crocheting some lovely booties for all the kids? Sipping herbal tea from a sunflower-decorated mug while relaxing in your herb garden? Former Gilberton, PA police chief Mark Kessler has released a new expletive-laden video in which he threatened his critics, then angrily fired an assault rifle. Hmm, so that would be “none of the above” then? Y’all may remember Yosemite Salmon-Head up there from last summer’s classic film “Let’s Kill Nancy Pelosi and Throw Her Down a Well,” along with the accompanying (poorly copy-edited) novelization calling for cleansing all the un-American liberals from the Schuylkill County government. And we don’t think he meant “with votes!” Read more on Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief Returns For Unspecified Mayhem And Hell-Unleashing…