Tag: penises

Here Is Your Deep Dive Into The Ted Cruz Dildo Brief

Welcome to your headquarters for comprehensive coverage of Ted Cruz Thinking About Jacking It. We're planning on starting a new vertical that is nothing but stories of Ted Cruz thinking about his penis, your penis, fake penises, and love...

Christian Bride Passes Traditional Daddy Vag Inspection Before Wedding

  Weddings are the toughest, amirite, ladies? But they are the most magical day in a girl's life, if you can just make everything Just So in preparation for your big day. STEP ONE: Find a man whose walk with...
Not pictured: His dad's pride and joy, apparently.

Hey Everyone, Let’s Talk About Justin Bieber’s Penis, With His Dad!

Dads are great. (Unless yours isn't.) They share wisdom. (Unless yours doesn't.) They go to your piano recitals, and they never fail to support whatever it is their crazy kids get into, even if they don't always know what...
They make noise???

If Your Erection Lasts Longer Than 6 Days, Better Hope You’re Not In A New York Jail

So here is a frivolous lawsuit, one that shows just how litigious our society has become and why we need TORT REFORM!!! Rodney Cotton was in jail at the Manhattan Detention Complex in New York, and due to an antidepressant...

Sorry Ladies, Super Sexy Sexxxter Todd Kincannon Is Off the Market

Good news, Wonkanovas! It seems that being a perv who enjoys sending unsolicited pics of your block-and-tackle to any woman who so much as looks at you is no impediment to finding a hot young thang to settle down...

Republican Who Tweeted About Trayvon Martin As A Drug-Addled Gay Hustler Would Like To Show You His Penis

This morning we learned about Todd Kincannon, a sensitive former executive director of the South Carolina GOP. We learned that he loves to say on Twitter that Travyon Martin deserved to be put down like a rabid dog, and...

If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Shoot Their Own Peckers Off

Guns don't kill penises, people kill penises: A security guard is hospitalized in the city of San Fernando in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago after accidentally discharging his weapon and shooting off his penis. According to the Trinidad and...

At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis

Science, you guys, science is revealing all sorts of terrible mysteries about the modern world. And not just the liberal kind of mysteries, like about how all the animals are dying and the ice is melting and whatever;...

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free

Thank Jeebus that growing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with...

Susan G. Komen Foundation In Hot Sexy Hook-Up With Dictator’s Daughter

The Susan G. Komen Foundation has been so busy trying to abort their corporate image and stem the (menstrual) flow of their profits, they may have forgotten to do the proper amount of VETTENING of their spanking new breast-saving...

Lyndon B. Johnson Called His Penis ‘Jumbo’

Caro has learned about Johnson’s rages, his ruthlessness, his lies, his bribes, his insecurities, his wheedling, his groveling, his bluster, his sycophancy, his charm, his kindness, his streak of compassion, his friends, his enemies, his girlfriends, his gofers...

A Penis May Have Appeared On Fox News the Other Day

Yes, a lot of dicks appear on Fox News. But it's unusual for a literal, anatomical penis to make to air on this teevee channel for families (70-year-old white people with bloodlust). In the background of that Megyn Kelly...

Silvio Berlusconi Attaching Penises To Ancient Italian Statues, With Magnets

Italy's culture ministry on Friday defended Premier Silvio Berlusconi for giving ancient marble statues in his office replacement body parts, to the horror of art restorers. The ministry, which is led by a close ally of the premier, said in...

Another Story In the Saga of TSA Feeling Up Jeffrey Goldberg’s Cock

I pointed out to the security officer that 50 percent of the American population has no balls (90 percent in Washington, D.C., where I live), so what is going to happen when the pat-down officer meets no resistance in...

Bulge In George W. Bush’s Pants Means 9/11 Is Just Around the Corner!

Look what your favorite ex-president put up on his Facebook page today, ladies! According to tradition, when the George W. Bush 9/11 boner sees its shadow, that means six more weeks of 9/11. Hooray! Also, haha, Fox & Friends'...

While We Sit Around Yelling About Mosques, Our Moon Is SHRINKING

The Moon: it's America's moon! We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of "firsties" and "fuck off, we're using it," it is OURS. But according to NASA, the Moon is shrinking. SHUT UP,...