Tag Archives: penises

  always with the cocks south carolina

Sorry Ladies, Super Sexy Sexxxter Todd Kincannon Is Off the Market

Good news, Wonkanovas! It seems that being a perv who enjoys sending unsolicited pics of your block-and-tackle to any woman who so much as looks at you is no impediment to finding a hot young thang to settle down with! This is a relief to yr lonely-hearted blogger, who will shortly sext every woman in our contact list a fuzzy shot of our own Lil’ Wonkette. Except you, Mom. We are speaking of our old friend and former executive director of the South Carolina GOP Todd Kincannon. This weekend Todd took a break from his usual daily activities, like wishing for the death of former soldiers whose political positions differ from his own or positing that a murdered teenager would have become a pole-smoking crack whore if he had not been tried, convicted, and executed on the spot for the crime of carrying a bottle of Snapple in the wrong neighborhood, in order to enter into holy matrimony with what appears to be a real, live human female. Read more on Sorry Ladies, Super Sexy Sexxxter Todd Kincannon Is Off the Market…
  and that's why they call it 'junk'

Republican Who Tweeted About Trayvon Martin As A Drug-Addled Gay Hustler Would Like To Show You His Penis

This morning we learned about Todd Kincannon, a sensitive former executive director of the South Carolina GOP. We learned that he loves to say on Twitter that Travyon Martin deserved to be put down like a rabid dog, and also that if he had grown up (which of course he did not) he would have sucked penises for drug money. Is that a racisms about African Americans that we simply had not heard before? Or was Todd Kincannon wishfully thinking? Rightwing blogger Brooks Bayne, attempting unsuccessfully to clean up the perv log in his party’s own eye (THE BIBLE), took the (engaged) Kincannon to task last October for sexting his cock to young ladies he did not know. Read more on Republican Who Tweeted About Trayvon Martin As A Drug-Addled Gay Hustler Would Like To Show You His Penis…
  this is my weapon this is my gun

If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Shoot Their Own Peckers Off

Guns don’t kill penises, people kill penises: A security guard is hospitalized in the city of San Fernando in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago after accidentally discharging his weapon and shooting off his penis. According to the Trinidad and Tobago Guardian, the unnamed 33-year-old man was carrying a .38 caliber handgun in his pocket when it went off, striking him in the groin. Police in the town of Rio Claro received a call around 8:00 a.m. on Sunday that witnesses had heard a shot coming from a parked car. Officers responding to the scene found the driver slumped at the wheel and bleeding from the injured area. Hokay, first of all, ouch. Wonkette is very sorry for what this man is going through and we are not making fun of him, honest. That being said, the only way to stop a bad penis with a gun is with a good penis with a gun, so maybe if we posted armed penises in all pubic public places, then everybody would be safe. Read more on If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Shoot Their Own Peckers Off…
  a cheap shot but it writes itself come on

At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis

Science, you guys, science is revealing all sorts of terrible mysteries about the modern world. And not just the liberal kind of mysteries, like about how all the animals are dying and the ice is melting and whatever; no, it’s also revealing tough, conservative facts, like the fact that human penises are on average 10 percent shorter than they were 50 years ago. If you heard “50 years ago” and “smaller penises” and you immediately came up with “feminism” as the cause, then congratulations, you are well equipped (heh) to run a radio talk show that reaches millions of people and influences American politics. Rush Limbaugh has a tiny penis and he’s been mad about it for a long time and it explains a lot, is what we’re TRYING to say here. Read more on At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis…
  born free

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free

Thank Jeebus that growing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with a brain AND an active libido, you might as well high-tail it right outa Dodge. Because Governor Jan Brewer hates your vagina. Read more on Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free…
  all that and a bag of dicks

Susan G. Komen Foundation In Hot Sexy Hook-Up With Dictator’s Daughter

The Susan G. Komen Foundation has been so busy trying to abort their corporate image and stem the (menstrual) flow of their profits, they may have forgotten to do the proper amount of VETTENING of their spanking new breast-saving partner for the Susan G. Komen Uzbekibekibekistan Race for the Cure, a certain delightful dicatator’s daughter named Gulnara Karimova. But hey, when everyone else hates you, you might as well shack up with the woman referred to in wikileaked US Embassy cables as ‘the most hated woman in rampantly corrupt Uzbekistan.’ One cable describes Miss Karimova and reads: ‘Most Uzbeks see Karimova as a greedy, power-hungry individual who uses her father to crush business people or anyone else who stands in her way … She remains the single most hated person in the country.’ So, let’s learn more about the lovely Gulnara, shall we? Here are her strongest assets: Daughter of a Dictator, whose government regularly forcibly sterilizes its citizens and whose “government engages in routine torture of citizens and has subjected dissenters to forced psychiatric treatment”; creator of many, many ‘questionable’ charities; forcer of child labor for her fashion line; and… a generous giver of circumcisions! Goodness, all of that seems somehow much more troubling than providing health services to poor women! But we’re sure we’re wrong. Read more on Susan G. Komen Foundation In Hot Sexy Hook-Up With Dictator’s Daughter…
  i call mine late for dinner

Lyndon B. Johnson Called His Penis ‘Jumbo’

[Robert] Caro has learned about Johnson’s rages, his ruthlessness, his lies, his bribes, his insecurities, his wheedling, his groveling, his bluster, his sycophancy, his charm, his kindness, his streak of compassion, his friends, his enemies, his girlfriends, his gofers and bagmen, his table manners, his drinking habits, even his nickname for his penis: not Johnson, but Jumbo. [NYT] Read more on Lyndon B. Johnson Called His Penis ‘Jumbo’…
  weiner on weiner

A Penis May Have Appeared On Fox News the Other Day

Yes, a lot of dicks appear on Fox News. But it’s unusual for a literal, anatomical penis to make to air on this teevee channel for families (70-year-old white people with bloodlust). In the background of that Megyn Kelly interview we posted yesterday, a man in a suit standing behind Weiner across the Capitol Rotunda unzipped his pants multiple times and stuck his hand in, giggling about it with his fellow frat lobbyists. Read more on A Penis May Have Appeared On Fox News the Other Day…
  countries that know nothing about art

Silvio Berlusconi Attaching Penises To Ancient Italian Statues, With Magnets

Italy’s culture ministry on Friday defended Premier Silvio Berlusconi for giving ancient marble statues in his office replacement body parts, to the horror of art restorers. The ministry, which is led by a close ally of the premier, said in a statement there’s no cause for alarm: The hand added to Venus and the penis added to Mars are attached by magnets and can be removed without damage. Read more on Silvio Berlusconi Attaching Penises To Ancient Italian Statues, With Magnets…
  putting things in perspective

While We Sit Around Yelling About Mosques, Our Moon Is SHRINKING

The Moon: it’s America’s moon! We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of “firsties” and “fuck off, we’re using it,” it is OURS. But according to NASA, the Moon is shrinking. SHUT UP, NASA. Our moon is fine. Every country we’ve ever shown it to says so. You know, some aliens even prefer a smaller moon, so there. Yes, our government has seen those late-night commercials with Jimmy Johnson and ordered those moon pills, but it’s to make our moon PERFORM better, okay? Any added size is just a bonus and is totally not why we bought them. Read more on While We Sit Around Yelling About Mosques, Our Moon Is SHRINKING…
  sex bomb

Al Gore Is Super Excited For Everyone To Hear About His Groping, Also He Likes Porn a Lot

Police in Portland have announced they are re-re-opening the investigation into that time Al Gore allegedly groped a masseuse at a hotel four years ago. Third time’s the charm when it comes to cock-grabbing incidents, apparently. As for Gore, did you expect him to offer No Comment on this? YOU GUESSED WRONG. Al Gore is like, “Bring it on, po-po’s!” And there is also news that he liked porn very much at a motel one time in the 1970s or maybe 1980s. Read more on Al Gore Is Super Excited For Everyone To Hear About His Groping, Also He Likes Porn a Lot…
  cartoon violence

Body Parts And Bodily Functions

By the Comics Curmudgeon You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump. Read more on Body Parts And Bodily Functions…
  literature

Today In ‘Great Action Scenes From Obama’s Book’

In today’s installment, we remember The Slaughter of The Cock: “I watched the man set the bird down, pinning it gently under one knee, and pulling its neck out across a narrow gutter. For a moment the bird struggled, beating its wings hard against the ground, a few feathers dancing up with the wind. Then it grew completely still. The man pulled the blade across the bird’s neck in a single smooth motion. Blood shot out in a long, crimson ribbon. Lolo rubbed his hand across my head and told me and my mother to go wash up before dinner.” As some Harvard guy writing in a small newspaper wrote today, “As we approach the critical months of the national campaign, Obama may need to recall the oedipal lessons learned from his stepfather or consult his notes on the Balinese cockfight.” Truer words. Wait, what? [The Free Lance-Star] Read more on Today In ‘Great Action Scenes From Obama’s Book’…
 

Flying Penis Invades Russian Political Scene

Here is “grand chessmaster” Garry Kasparov, who moonlights as the leader of the Other Russia movement, “a loose coalition of activists opposing Vladamir Putin and the current Russian government.” He gave a speech Saturday in Moscow when a FLYING HELICOPTER PENIS interrupted him, frightening the world, until some (gay?) dude swatted it down. Don’t believe us? Watch. [Sharenator, Waxy] Read more on Flying Penis Invades Russian Political Scene…
 

Schindler’s Lust

* Fred Thompson loves getting paid to act like a Nazi. [Real Clear Politics] * Karl Rove and Christopher Hitchens get high, light candles, paint pentagrams on the floor, each other. [Election Central] * Dennis Kucinich is a space cadet. [PrezVid] * Ron Paul debates himself. [Hit & Run] * Most famous hirsute penis in the land to party in DC next week. [The Sleuth] * Yea, but Sudan only terrorizes its own people, so it’s fine. [Think Progress] * NRA wants you to pry legally purchased guns from the cold dead hands of terrorists too. [Intoxination] Read more on Schindler’s Lust…
 

Art Night: Paintings, Sculptures, Video Installations, and Bloody Severed Cocks

Art! In Washington! It’s a crazy idea, but the kids at artDC decided to run with it. They put a bunch of art in the convention center, then lured hipsters over with the promise of beer and Ian Svenonius! And we sent Intern Nick and Liz Gorman to investigate just what these so-called “artists” were up to. Liz snapped pictures of the dance party that broke out, and Nick, after the jump, explains the terrible atrocities he witnessed. artDC Party Gallery Read more on Art Night: Paintings, Sculptures, Video Installations, and Bloody Severed Cocks…
 

Internet, Newspaper of Record Continue to Degrade Discourse

I’ll be on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360 tonight, talking about this very dirty election campaign – and how the web may have made things worse than usual. -Andrew Sullivan, the man who, according to the New York Times, has a penis for a head. Read more on Internet, Newspaper of Record Continue to Degrade Discourse…