Tag Archives: penis

  there is a theme this week

All About the D*cks: Your Florida Roundup

Of course the first person to receive a dick-reduction surgery hails from the state that looks like a dick. Of course he does. The unnamed 17-year-old, whom we’ll call Richard, was apparently … how to say? … wider than he was deep. Seven inches long, 10 inches in circumference, about the size of a grapefruit — while flaccid. That’s a thick piece, dude. Read more on All About the D*cks: Your Florida Roundup…
  it's the little things that matter

Free Speech Hero Wins Victory Ensuring You Can Always Talk About Howard Stern’s Penis On Television

Sure, all you ladies are boo-hoo-hooing over the fact that you can’t have birth control any more, but all is not lost. Monday also brought us a historic ruling that ensures that, at least in New York, you are free to bellow about Howard Stern’s penis on television all you want. And isn’t that what really counts? Read more on Free Speech Hero Wins Victory Ensuring You Can Always Talk About Howard Stern’s Penis On Television…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!

Vance McAllister has allegedly kissed his own staff! Wow, way to go Stretch! No, we are joking, we know Vance McAllister didn’t finally master yoga’s forbidden Contented Dog, he was merely allegedly kissing a lady he shouldna been kissing. Yes, a kissing scandal. You probably have to go back to the first Cleveland administration to find a quainter tale of martial infidelity among the power elite. From the video, it looked like he had a shot at second base, don’t you think? Now, to us, marital infidelity is one thing — you can decide for yourself if you wouldn’t vote for a guy or gal who says one thing and sucks another — but when McAllister started talking about getting the FBI involved, thus guaranteeing a fresh round of headlines with his name in them next to words like “Wants To Get The FBI Involved In His CHEATING SCANDAL,” that’s when we knew we were dealing with a special kind of ass. Now, onto Sexy Miley Pelosi. Sexy Miley Pelosi is a gross maybe NSFW thing that we will show you. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!…
  a new kind of thing

Wonkette After Dark: Which President Most Resembles A Penis? And More!

Dwight D. Eisenower is the president who most resembles a penis. Just kidding, it’s George Washington. Barack Obama looks kind of like a penis if you blur your eyes. Maybe he is the third or fourth most penis-looking president. Oh hello! We were just talking to ourselves about which presidents look like penises, and ranking them. How are you? That’s too bad. Anyway, welcome to Wonkette After Dark. Wonkette After Dark is a place and a thing, but not a person. The point of Wonkette After Dark is mostly to talk about what presidents look like what genitalia, and also philosophy, and also to rank every president named Franklin in order of sexiness, and also to have a post up here that you can fuck around on. 1) Franklin Pierce. 2) Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Did you read anything today that was funny, but you’re not sure if it was supposed to be? We did. It was this: It is times like this which demand to be altered; which call for a Martin Luther, a Tom Paine, a John Brown, perhaps a Gingrich. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Which President Most Resembles A Penis? And More!…
  what a country!

Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?

Today, students, I would like you to begin work on an essay titled, “Why Is The United States Not Engaged In A Great Civil War?” You will need to cite the following examples of disparate U.S. American cultural values, and explain why these have not led to flaming barricades of death a la Kiev, Ukraine: Case Study One: On the University of California – Berkeley campus last week, a touring group of elementary school students encountered a man in a giant penis costume handing out condoms. They also were able to watch UC-Berkeley students playing “pin-the-tail on the anus” and throwing condoms through target holes labeled and illustrated as “vagina” and “anus,” as part of the university’s celebration of National Condom Week. “All day long, little kids were prancing by the dental dam demonstrations, sex-themed games of chance, and the guy in the penis suit,” student Claire Chiara said in an interview with Campus Reform Thursday. Discussion Points: Is the fact that the penis man was not allowed to distribute condoms to the children Unfair To Kidz? Should National Condom Week be a federal holiday? P-I-N goes where? Read more on Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?…
  call a doctor if your election lasts more than four hours

Colombian Politician Deliberately Overdoses On Boner Pills, Loses Caucus

An unidentified 66-year old municipal official had to have his penis surgically removed after injuries sustained when he “enthusiastically overdosed on Viagra,” according to doctors. Just in case anything else in the story could be thrown in to make it sound completely fake, the afflicted gentleman is said to be a former member of the municipal council from the town of Gigante. After treatment at St. God’s Hospital, he will receive a lifetime supply of Brawndo. Read more on Colombian Politician Deliberately Overdoses On Boner Pills, Loses Caucus…
  a cheap shot but it writes itself come on

At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis

Science, you guys, science is revealing all sorts of terrible mysteries about the modern world. And not just the liberal kind of mysteries, like about how all the animals are dying and the ice is melting and whatever; no, it’s also revealing tough, conservative facts, like the fact that human penises are on average 10 percent shorter than they were 50 years ago. If you heard “50 years ago” and “smaller penises” and you immediately came up with “feminism” as the cause, then congratulations, you are well equipped (heh) to run a radio talk show that reaches millions of people and influences American politics. Rush Limbaugh has a tiny penis and he’s been mad about it for a long time and it explains a lot, is what we’re TRYING to say here. Read more on At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis…
  oh man

No, John Bolton, They Were Just Laughing At A Dick Joke

Yesterday Joe Biden was yakkin’ about foreign policy at NYU and said, “I promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.” All of the students laughed at this, because, ha ha, penis. Yes, that’s what they were laughing at, John Bolton. They were not cracking up at the perceived irony of this statement and Barack Obama’s actual record of asserting power versus that of Teddy Roosevelt. Dick jokes, John Bolton. They’re everywhere. Read more on No, John Bolton, They Were Just Laughing At A Dick Joke…
  potatoe?

Here Is A Story About Ben Quayle With A Potato That Looks Like A Penis

Ben Quayle — Ben son of Dan — is a congressman or something from Arizona maybe, nobody knows because it is not important. He is also very excellent at right-wing talking points, which you can tell from this letter he wrote. Yesterday the President made another campaign stop disguised as a policy speech to tout his so-called “Buffett Rule”. This ridiculous proposal is just the latest policy ploy the President has rolled out. So ridiculous you guys! Ben Quayle is gonna have a snit! Read more on Here Is A Story About Ben Quayle With A Potato That Looks Like A Penis…
  congressional dongs in the news

What Is Harry Reid’s Member Doing Still Hanging Around Congress?

Congress is still in session for about 60 seconds a day just to do things like pass a resolution extending the funding for the FAA and  block recess appointments, both of which are politically important/ newsworthy but neither of which hold much political comedy. But it has been a whole 3 or 4 days without dick jokes about some crusty Democratic politician’s wang, so here is your Newspaper of Record, the New York Times, to rescue the Friday afternoon masses: Read more on What Is Harry Reid’s Member Doing Still Hanging Around Congress?…
  vulgarians

SOMEONE SAID ‘PENIS’ SO HERE IS A POST ABOUT IT: James Carville is so excited to pass through possible heightened airport security checks: “Let me buy a [security] pass … so that they can scan me and and search me and measure my penis, then let me get on the plane.” Everyone in the TSA quit upon hearing this comment. [The Hill] Read more on …
 

Massive Penis By Idaho Governor’s Mansion CENSORED

Back in, uh, JULY, a 60-foot penis etching appeared on a hillside of the Idaho’s governor’s mansion after some scurrilous teenagers (teenagers!) “applied extra-strength weed killer” to the grass. Things move slowly in Idaho, and “officials said at the time it was too late in the growing season to attempt to remove the image.” Oh what the hell, let’s just keep quoting: “Snow hid the oversized phallus over the winter, but when it emerged again in the spring some neighbors had had enough.” So here’s what they did: “The area was recently replanted with grass seedlings and covered with straw. A previous attempt by landscapers to obliterate the image only enhanced it with a dark green outline, after which it was covered with a bright blue tarpaulin for several weeks.” [AP/Idaho Statesman] Read more on Massive Penis By Idaho Governor’s Mansion CENSORED…
 

Putin Makes Weird Penis Joke About Hillary

Hillary Clinton was trying to prove she was a tough guy up in New Hampshire last month, so she mocked George W. Bush’s dumb line about looking into Vlad Putin’s sweet sweet soul. “He doesn’t have a soul,” she said of the beloved ex-KGB agent. But Putin’s even colder and meaner than Hillary herself. Asked about her dumb line, Putin said, “At a minimum, a head of state should have a head,” Putin said. What exactly does this mean? We are pretty sure this is one of those misogynist Russian “ha ha the woman lacks a penis” jokes. [Politico] Read more on Putin Makes Weird Penis Joke About Hillary…