Tag Archives: peggy noonan

  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Goes For A Walk, Stumbles, Hits Head, Writes Column Anyway

Mama really needs to get some air now, children.
Sometimes Peggy Noonan, long-suffering Mother Superior of the Order of the Nitrous Stupor, liked to take the air in Central Park. She would stroll along the Ramble and bring along some crusts of bread to feed the ducks at the lake. She might find a quiet bench to sit on, to watch the joggers and the cyclists and the mothers and nannies pushing baby carriages past on their endless constitutionals. She might look up at the grand buildings of Central Park West and imagine them all crumbling to dust in a holocaust of fire unleashed by Iranian nukes. The wind would howl along the avenues, destroying everything in its path. All those beautiful saloons and watering holes gone… Read more on Peggy Noonan Goes For A Walk, Stumbles, Hits Head, Writes Column Anyway…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell

Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Early Monday morning, Peggy Noonan of the Little Sisters of the Ambien Blackout roused herself from slumber. Her head still gauzy from the weekend’s activities, she stumbled to her parlor, where her house-boy, Manuel, had already set out a carafe of strong coffee and packets of the headache powders he found at some Dominican-run bodega nearby. Those immigrants, always with the ridiculous miracle cures they imported from their native, backward countries! What she wouldn’t have given for some of her great-aunt’s strongly brewed tea right then, with just a splash of Irish to set the world right. Aye, to hear Aunt Mary singing of sailing from the sweet cove of Cork … Read more on Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin

Feel the excitement.
Spring was in the air and in her step. The long winter may have left the city’s streets with so many potholes they looked like Berlin in 1945, but the snow was melting, the homeless had cleared off the steam grates in search of cooler spots, and the warm air made New York once again smell like a landfill. After the longest winter of her years here, the city was coming back to life. Read more on Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors

The Clintons give Mama such a sad.
The Clintons! The damn Clintons! She ground her teeth as she dumped Alka-Seltzer into her gin, sending waves of liquor splashing over the lip of the glass and along her wrist. She paid no attention as she lifted the glass and drops of gin ran down her arm, soaking the sleeve of her dressing gown. Would no one ever rid her of the pestilence that was those Arkansas grifters? Read more on Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral

No, *you're* the most basic of jokes.
Oh, it has been a busy week in Deleted Comments land! Thanks to our switchover to Disqus, the comments are a bit more Wild West-y than they had been — in Olden times, new commenters had to be approved, but now, Yr Moderators have to patrol the dusty streets and clear them of miscreants who shamble into view. Happily, you Wonkers are all deputized to help us keep our comments section a happy Radical Liberal Secularist Leftist Libunatic playground as well, via the “flag” option that appears when you move your mouse over any comment, like so: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral…
  If you have such a crush on Peggy Noonan call her on the phone

August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please

Your Wonkette was just looking at the Facebook, like we do, and we saw an article our friend had posted, written by some dork named Michael R. Strain, who is a “resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute.” Already, we knew we were in for excessive vapidity, masquerading as Important Letters. In said article Michael explains that, due to his fine stature and many accomplishments, he prefers to be called “Mr. Strain.” Therefore, for the duration of this post, we will be calling him “Slugger.” Anyway, Slugger begins his little diatribe telling the story of how one time he was a little Catholic schoolboy, and the archbishop came to visit and said “hey, call me Archbishop Jim,” and that was completely unacceptable to Young Slugger, because his mom said you can’t call people by their first names, even if they ask: Read more on August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Wishes Obama Would Give Ungrateful ISIS Jihadists A Spank Right On Their Bottoms

Dammit, Mama bit into an olive pit.
Sweet Reagan’s nutsack, the cold chilled her to the bone. The snow beat against the windows of her aerie high above the deserted Manhattan streets, themselves devoid of people, filled only with great drifts of snow. She had sent her houseboy Manuel off into a howling storm to fetch more cocktail olives weeks ago and he had never returned. Perhaps, snow-blind and lost in the storm, he had wandered onto the frozen East River and fallen through the ice, or been buried under a pile of snow tossed aside by a plow, where he would stay until everything thawed and melted in the spring. Read more on Peggy Noonan Wishes Obama Would Give Ungrateful ISIS Jihadists A Spank Right On Their Bottoms…
  loud noises!

Wingnuts Add ‘Did Not Go To Paris’ To Barack Obama’s Articles Of Impeachment

Yet again, Barack Obama has made America sad.
Allah willing, we are very near the end of the news cycle for the outrage over President Obutthole insulting all of civilization by not going to Paris for this weekend’s anti-terror unity rally because he’s secretly an Islamist clearing the way for Zombie bin Laden to conquer Europe and establish the caliphate argle bargle glurrrrrrrrrgh. Soon skipping this very important rally with other world leaders will be consigned to the long list of Obama’s Katrinas, a list that includes Fast and Furious, the IRS, BENGHAAAAAAZI!!1!, golf, Hawaiian vacations, not adopting a shelter dog, expressing empathy for historically oppressed minorities, being black, winning crushing two presidential elections, the beer summit, and being black again. To name just a few. Read more on Wingnuts Add ‘Did Not Go To Paris’ To Barack Obama’s Articles Of Impeachment…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Explains Civilization To Savage Muslim Hordes

She would not cower in fear of the Muslim menace. She would not hide out in her aerie high above Manhattan with only her houseboy Manuel and a crate of Dewar’s for company. No sir, not Sister Peggy Noonan of Our Lady of the Xanax Brain Cloud! The dirty savages might have attacked a newspaper office and cut down beloved members of France’s press, but they could not kill the spirit of free nations! Turn it into a raft of terrified, paranoid, jingoistic chest-beating sociopaths bent on revenge, maybe. But never kill it! Read more on Peggy Noonan Explains Civilization To Savage Muslim Hordes…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Explains Who Is To Blame For The Torture Report: The Dastardly Japanese

The protests were over, the protestors having returned to their hovels in the far-off, darkened lands from whence they came (mostly Brooklyn, she assumed), and Sister Peggy Noonan’s beloved Manhattan had returned to its jaunty, holiday-time normal. The Santas with their bells and their Salvation Army kettles stood in front of the gaily decorated window displays of Bloomingdale’s. Children and lovers took their turns carving smiles with their skate blades on the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink. The bartenders in her favorite saloons were a little more liberal with the good stuff when mixing drinks. The only time when she favored liberalism! Read more on Peggy Noonan Explains Who Is To Blame For The Torture Report: The Dastardly Japanese…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice

She was living a nightmare. Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Methaqualone Blackout had only meant to make a short trip down the island of Manhattan to marvel at the new Freedom Tower and ponder the hardy spirit of America. But her cab found itself at a complete standstill, trapped in a jam caused by thousands of the hoi polloi out protesting a black man’s choking death at the hands of an officer of the esteemed NYPD. Moved by their spirit, she threw her cabbie several of the Liberty dollar coins in her change purse and exited the vehicle, determined to walk among the people and commune with their spirits. Read more on Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Compares Obama To Nixon For Some Reason (She’s High)

She had packed away her respirator after the big Ebola scare and joined the rest of the great city in resuming a normal life. After all, the holidays were coming. Soon would be Thanksgiving, with its feasts of turkey and stuffing and wine. Then holiday dinners and parties, with feasts of meat and potatoes and wine. Then Christmas itself, with feasts of ham and pie and wine. Then New Year’s… Read more on Peggy Noonan Compares Obama To Nixon For Some Reason (She’s High)…
  i remember you

Ebola? What Ebola?

Sigh. One day...
Bowling Ebola doctor Craig Spencer is set to be released from Bellevue Hospital Center in New York sometime today so he can continue his reign of disease-spreading terror that was so rudely interrupted by health officials determined to keep him from infecting the city’s entire population by spewing hemorrhagic-fever-laced vomit all over it. Spencer has reportedly been cured of the ‘bola and has felt well enough in recent days to ride an exercise bike and play his banjo, if anyone still needs a reason to hate him. Read more on Ebola? What Ebola?…
  lectures from the schoolmarm

Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You

Another drinkie-poo? Are you really asking me that?
Graciousness! A lost art in America, Peggy Noonan mused to herself as she wandered the marbled halls of her Upper East Side manse with a pitcher of gin-and-NyQuil martinis in one hand and her Aunt Mary’s framed Ellis Island health card in the other. The card had notches in it to indicate that Aunt Mary had passed the examination of a shipboard doctor every day during her passage across the ocean to America in 1909, back when the country feared the dirty plagues carried by the filthy Irish from their home counties of Cork or Dork or Fie-de-Horsecow, or wherever. In America, Aunt Mary had pinned the card to her coat and worn it everywhere to let her new countrymen know that she was not one of those Irish, but a clean and (of course) gracious woman who would not infect anyone with potato blight. Read more on Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You…
  sloshing towards bethlehem

Peggy Noonan Writes Column, Eats Horse Tranquilizers (Not In That Order)

A
The bleating of sirens drifted up to her pied-a-terre high above the Manhattan streets, leaking through the duct tape she had used to seal all her windows. Oh sure, one heard sirens in New York all the time, but this was now the Age of Ebola and the wails took on a certain…ominousness, as if she was living in the flashback scenes in I Am Legend. She slipped aside her facemask long enough to gulp down the rest of her highball, then resettled the respirator as she crossed to the wet bar to fix herself another. If only that terrible blackamoor in the White House had listened to her last week when she had demanded he stop the flights! Read more on Peggy Noonan Writes Column, Eats Horse Tranquilizers (Not In That Order)…
  Panic! In the Editorials

America’s Editorial Writers Fear Ebola, Should Fear Plague Of Stupid

And that's just in the editorial pages.
Time now to turn to our nation’s vaunted editorial pages for the smartest, hottest takes on President Obola’s response to this deadly plague that has so far sickened exactly two of our nation’s 330 million citizens. BURN THE BODIES! STOP THE FLIGHTS! ARGLE BARGLE! Read more on America’s Editorial Writers Fear Ebola, Should Fear Plague Of Stupid…
  time to ramble on

Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please

And she never washed her hand again.
Ah, fall in New York City! There is a chill in the air, a nip that can invigorate the soul as one sits in a favorite saloon, sipping a mug of one’s favorite whiskey fortified with a generous dollop of coffee, if one is so inclined to while away an afternoon in this fashion. An afternoon leading into an evening, a night, and then the following morning, even. Read more on Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please…
  a city girl goes to the country

Peggy Noonan Goes To Wyoming, Says Words At It

Tenderfoot is a city girl, used to canyons of high-rise buildings, not canyons of rock and dirt and running rivers that do not smell like a giant Superfund site. But she is happy to escape the city in August, that dull month when the garbage piles are as high as an elephant’s eye and the heat renders everyone, even the bartenders, even more surly than usual. Now she is in Moran, Wyoming, a place of such ethereal beauty that she does not need gin to enjoy it. Though it sure helps! Read more on Peggy Noonan Goes To Wyoming, Says Words At It…
  withered old hag says what?

Peggy Noonan Contemplates Political Division With All The Self-Awareness Of Which She Is Capable (None)

She needed a break from the city in the summer, from the heat, from the ceaseless crowds of tourists blocking the sidewalks she had to navigate to reach her favorite watering holes. From the stench of rotting garbage filling the air, invading her nostrils until even inhaling deeply the fumes from an open barrel of Tanqueray could not chase it off. The city in the summer was like the current state of America: disordered, edgy, crazed from the summer doldrums and the collapse of prosperity, the decay of its dreams. Even the graceless communist mayor had escaped, taking his family to Italy to eat pizza with a knife and fork like he was Donald Trump. She sniffed at the image. Some Man of the People! Read more on Peggy Noonan Contemplates Political Division With All The Self-Awareness Of Which She Is Capable (None)…
  prepare to be bordered

Peggy Noonan Saw A Mexican. And a Guatemalan. And A Honduran. And A…You Get The Idea

The long Fourth of July weekend had come and gone. All across the country, proud Americans participated in the great traditions of the holiday: cookouts, boating while drunk, blowing their fingers off with illegal fireworks, to name a few. But not Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of 2-For-1 Happy Hours. Her Fourth was spent holed up in her tastefully decorated pied a terre high above the teeming streets of Manhattan. Teeming…with the hordes of filthy migrant children invading America like locusts sweeping across Egypt in the Old Testament. Okay, maybe they weren’t in Manhattan yet. Maybe they were thousands of miles away in the Southwest. But still, it wouldn’t be long… “Meesus Noonan?” The heavily Spanish-accented voice echoed from the dark hallway outside her sitting-room. Peggy screamed and pushed up from her desk, almost spilling the last dregs of the emergency gin bottle she had dug out of her Mexican Apocalypse kit. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it was only Manuel, her house-boy. What was he doing here? She had given him the weekend off. Then she remembered: it was Monday. The weekend was over. She had survived. But it got her thinking. How many other proud Americans had spent their holiday holed up like she had, bravely preparing to fend off the soiled, dark-skinned ragamuffins who spell the end of America as we know it? Read more on Peggy Noonan Saw A Mexican. And a Guatemalan. And A Honduran. And A…You Get The Idea…
  denial ain't just a boutique on 5th Ave.

Peggy Noonan Tries To Pretend GOP Base Is Not Made Up Of Raging, Irrational Lunatics

Summer in New York, and the stench of the garbage piled in the streets could not reach the sealed crypt, high above the bustling streets, where Sister Peggy Noonan of Our Lady of the Stinger With a Whiskey Back bided her time. Let other New Yorkers escape to the Hamptons, or their country homes, or their tenement rooftops! No, Peggy would stay right here, fortified by her estrogen pills and crates of Old Raj, monitoring the primary elections for signs and portents, promises and perils, fading stars gracefully winking out from the firmament. In fact, here was one now. Eric Cantor, the first Southern Jew she had approved of since Judah Benjamin. Such a shame about his primary loss! The Republicans in the House had lost a fantastic token … um, leader to stand at the head of their ranks, urging them once more unto the breach in service of some lost cause or other. Now that she thought about it, the parallels with Judah Benjamin were truly uncanny. Read more on Peggy Noonan Tries To Pretend GOP Base Is Not Made Up Of Raging, Irrational Lunatics…