CATHOLICS TO TAKE RADICAL STANCE AGAINST SEX WITH CHILDREN Brave Pope Ratzi spoke out today on his plane ride to our America: “Pope Benedict XVI said on Tuesday that following the Roman Catholic Church’s child sexual abuse scandals in the United States, the church is reviewing candidates for the priesthood with the objective of excluding those with a tendency to molest children.” The Pope will land this afternoon in Maryland, around the time school lets out. [New York Times]

Just kidding! Well, he does say it’s a sin, and that he’s a sinner but he’s totes not a man who would choose that gay lifestyle because the “traditional concept of sexual behavior” is breeding, period. The danger with sex today, people, is that homosexuality is one of many “publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations.” Other publicly endorsed aberrations, according to Huckles, include sadomasochism, pedophilia and necrophilia.

Ok, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these Christian conservative types? Does anyone else, anywhere, spend this much time thinking about other people having sex that isn’t doing so in order to masturbate, plan their next porno, or write for Fleshbot? Let alone, does anyone spend this much time equating the guy-on-guy anal action with fucking dead people, little kids or animals? Like, how does that even occur to you? Candidates are being assassinated in Pakistan and people are dying in Kenya over rigged elections and thousands of Americans and Iraqis are dead in Iraq because of a war we started for (apparently) no good reason and their feeble little minds are totally filled with thoughts of how God doesn’t want people to to engage in ass fucking because you can’t have babies? Jeebus Motherfucking Christ, I’m ready to start drinking now. Bring on the New Motherfucking Year.

The Catholic Church has gotten tired of all the complaints about priests abusing children and of having to work so hard to keep priests from abusing little kids and to kick them out and stuff. So, the Archdiocese of New York is conducting a cartoon campaign to teach kids how to avoid being abused, because it’s easier to teach a child to fear a priest than to teach a priest to not fuck a child.

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Another day, another dollar, another sick fuck that managed to get through a significant portion of his life without being identified by the po-po as the twisted predator he is AND be elected to public office. Though, in defense of his constituents, it was in South Dakota and maybe there just weren’t enough other options? Yeah, I doubt that, too. But, join us after the jump for what may be the most twisted, idiotic, over-planned long-term scheme to sexually abuse young women (yes, boys, this one’s hetero).

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As the nation slips into a new “Not So Great Depression,” Republicans are embracing a new kind of Compassionate Conservatism that should appeal to poverty-stricken people who’ve lost their homes, jobs and traditional abhorrence of homosexuality and pedophilia. Leading the new effort is Wisconsin Republican leader and Brown County GOP Chairman Donald Fleischman, currently facing charges of child enticement, contributing to the delinquency of a child and exposing himself to a child — all because he (allegedly) wanted to show his love to a runaway boy! MORE »

Beloved “Christian Clown” and minister arrested in Illinois “for allegedly taking naked photographs of young boys at a Philippines orphanage.” But don’t worry, the clown was only there on a “clowning trip.” (PS: There are at least two Klutzo the Clowns in Illinois, and this one isn’t the Accused Molester.) [Agitprop]

Remember the assistant U.S. attorney from Florida caught trying to fuck a five-year-old girl? You know, the one who said he’d “done it plenty”? He just hanged himself in his jail cell. [Detroit Free Press]

Nobody is mourning the suicide of St. Petersburg City Council Chairman John Bryan — “a staunch Republican and former finance chairman for U.S. Sen. Connie Mack” — who sucked a tailpipe Friday afternoon after the story broke that he had sexually molested his adopted daughters and another little girl. MORE »

Washington Times perv Randall Casseday had the misfortune to be caught just days before Mark Foley ushered in our fondly-remembered Cocktober. In case you don’t remember (and who’d blame you), Casseday was the director of Human Resources for the unread but beloved right-wing paper, until he was fired for attempting to meet underage girls for illegal sexing. We did solicit reports of his creepy behavior at the Times, but the most we could get was that he enjoyed telling everyone what everyone else was making and alerting people to firings and promotions before they happened. Also, he was kinda creepy. MORE »

We missed it yesterday during non-stop Cocktober Surprise coverage, but there’s an update on our old, busted perv from last week: MORE »

Because it’s been an extremely boring day here in Washington (seriously, we got all excited about a new Treasury Secretary), let’s turn for entertainment to the lunatic fringe of our happy socialist friends across the sea: MORE »