Larry King’s a crazy lady now! Watch “her” guests, Ron Paul and the super-crazy Baldwin brother, get shouty about, um, Michael Phelps, teevee’s “The Aquaman,” because Phelps sat poolside with teevee’s Matt Lauer one time to talk about “celebrating” (getting high). Did you know Lauer was nearly killed by a deer today? [YouTube]

Sacha Baron Cohen, the guy who played “Borat” in that movie, and also had an HBO show… whatever, you smartasses all know him, and he’s got a new movie coming out soon. It’s about “Bruno,” the gay Austrian TV host character who was also on Ali G. It’ll basically be the same movie as Borat, but instead of making fun of American racists, he makes fun of American homophobes (REAL AMERICANS.) And in one episode, he tries to seduce Dr. Ron Paul, the secret President of the United States on the Internet. MORE »

Thursday, early evening. She turns the key to her Dungeon of Medicines, an isolated pod floating atop the highest vistas of Park Avenue. It is constructed of the finest Metals and can only be reached by rickshaw. Even after all these years, the scent of myrrh lingers. A glass of scotch is poured and she takes to the shelves. Tonight will be a night of barbiturates. Full bottles of Amytal, Nembutal, Seconal, et. al, are downed within seconds. She takes to her camel fur chair — a special model, in that it is an actual camel — and waits whilst supping on a bowl of cough syrup. The hour becomes 10, then 11, then 12. Midnight. A new day. But still, nothing. She is able to walk; this should not be physically possible. Time to bring out the typing machinery. She is struck, sober, hands on the keys, sitting on a camel, poised, wrought, a wordsmith to the death, honest. Peggy Noonan has written her headline: “There’s No Pill for This Kind of Depression.” MORE »

Hey didn’t this Ron Paul guy have integrity or whatever? He stood up to the Texas GOP and Tom DeLay and the Bush Family, he didn’t have any problem attacking lamers like Rudy Giuliani or Mitt Romney, but Doctor Ron “Go Ron Paul” Paul is just shivering in his panties when repeatedly given the opportunity to say No to America-hating sex creep Rush Limbaugh. It’s creepy! [YouTube]

Today at High Noon, the disciples of CNBC teevee ranter Rick Santelli held teabagging parties around the country. Apparently they did not pick up on the nonchalance in Santelli’s voice when he said, “we’re going to hold a… like a tea party or something because of this Obama, ha ha, weird.” Well, the biggest of these parties was in Washington, by the White House, and like 20 people took cabs from CPAC to stand around in poop hats and complain about fiat currency for a few minutes while Michelle Malkin filmed them in various pornographic poses. Major thank yous to poop operatives “Jamie” and “Ethan” for sending most of the photos below, as well as to intrepid D.C. blog reporter Dave Weigel, some of whose photos we have stolen. MORE »

Ho ho ho, street thug Barack Obama is gonna kick whitey’s ass clear back to Texas! Wait, what is this horrible thing? Oh, a fanzine for, uh, Ron Paul, the brief and inexplicable Internet fad of late 2007. (At least LOLcats were kind of funny!) Well listen up socialists, the elderly Texan congressman and very loosely aligned Republican is still alive and still has a few fans. They got together and made this “DIY” magazine. One of them drew this picture. For a donation of $500, you can hang a copy of this very drawing on your dorm wall or whatever. Chicks love this shit! Youth! MORE »

Look. These new PUMAs are really annoying. They’re as reactionary as the Paultards circa late 2007, but at least the Paultards had ideas, man, they had a fuckin’ ethos. These PUMAs, on the other hand, are thoughtless, easily manipulable and selfish to the extent that when they don’t get what they want, they blame everyone else for stealing something and offending them, when really no significant events in the real world could affect them in any meaningful way. These are the people who get personally offended, for some reason, when they hear that Britney Spears went driving with a baby on her lap, or, more pertinently, when Hillary Clinton didn’t get as many delegates as her contender. Grow up. MORE »

Thanks for your suggestions, America! We mostly agreed with your favorites, although a few “dark horses” made the final list because why not. Also, these are only teevee clips, not random D.I.Y. YouTubes of, what, Lego Sarah Palin in steampunk goggles fighting Darth Vader (Ron Paul) the fire-breathing dog with a sack of dildos & unicorn blood. (Someone please make that.) And so above — as a bonus! — we’ve posted the ABSOLUTE best self-made YouTube of 2008, in which the Paultards chase down Sean Hannity on a cold New Hampshire night. Hannity finally escapes into the hotel; the Paultards immediately grow silent until one lone hero yells, “You suck, Sean.” Man, New Hampshire was so much fun, everyone there and not one with a clue… MORE »

Mysterious Wonkette Texas operative “The Doctor” (RP?) has forwarded us a delightful e-mail (s)he received this morning, probably from a great aunt or uncle, that thoroughly explains how Texas has the resources it needs to secede from the Union, which it should do immediately, “since B. Hussein Obama won the election.” Silly sheeple, only now they get it; the Paultards have been lobbying for this since January or August or whenever it was that Ron Paul stopped running. *FACEPALM* MORE »

Here is something weird, and thank you, First Read, for pointing this out recently: the press has already found out the identity of like half of the future Obama cabinet. And yet we have no idea who’s being vetted to fill one of the most important positions of all — Treasury Secretary. What is up with that HMMM? Will it be the kindly ancient giant Paul Volcker? The stouthearted Kansan Republican Sheila Bair? The repellent NAFTA whore Larry Summers? Nobody knows — or at least, nobody’s telling! Our prediction: Ron Paul, who will unleash a “money bomb” on the United States economy in February of 2009 and then sell us to the nation of Galt’s Gulch for 50 Ameros. [Washington Post]

Doctor President Ron Paul recently went on Alex Jones’ conspiracy theory radio show and said this, about Obama and the G-20 meeting (which caused terrible traffic in certain parts of DC last weekend, and nothing else): “A world central bank, worldwide regulation and world control of the whole system, of all the commodities and all the natural resources, what else can you call it other than world government?” MORE »