Tag Archives: paultards

  crazy old men

Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution

Yesterday, we learned that noted constitutional scholar Ron Paul accepts and cashes his Social Security check even though it is “unconstitutional.” He did not say why, exactly, Social Security is unconstitutional (although Your Wonkette suspects it has something to do with his poor grasp of a common law system), and so it remains one in a long list of items that Ron Paul thinks is unconstitutional absent any discussion of relevant jurisprudence. Of course, as we all know, ThinkProgress released a 2011 video listing all the things that Ron Paul finds unconstitutional but since then, there have been more! And there are some that ThinkProgress missed!  For example, did you know that sexual harassment is TOTALLY CONSTITUTIONAL but abortion is not? YES. It’s TRUE. So please behold an updated list of the things that would be unconstitutional in a Ron Paul presidency, as well as a list of things that are in fact Constitutional, which will allow for more substantive critical analysis. Read more on Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution…
  tampa is just 'armageddon' spelled in wingnuttish

Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards

As foretold in Revelation, Lord of Lunatics Rick Santorum has warned that he is fortifying his followers for some kind of world-ending battle to fend off the interloping Paultard hordes at the Republican National Convention in Florida, in August. It will be sweaty. “I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight,” said Santorum, a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.” Ron Paul’s supporters have indeed been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to the Emperor Mittens during his coronation. Rick Santorum is not having any of this. WAR. Read more on Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards…
  "begone insubstantial coward"

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. Read more on Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement…
  great moments in campaign brilliance

Ron Paul Plots New Democracy-Lite Path To Convention Glory

American democracy’s most persistent old fart Ron Paul has announced that he no longer cares for democracy per se in the traditional sense of trying to “win votes” from “voters,” because this is a hard thing to do, when your platform is mostly insane. “We will no longer spend resources campaigning in primaries in states that have not yet voted,” sayeth Doctor Congressman Paul, who will instead focus henceforth on a cheaper alternative to never not running for president, that of trying to stir up shit at state nominating conventions by pilfering delegates that he will ransom for a speaking spot or some other sexy consolation prize at the RNC convention in Tampa. Video of said shit being stirred, after the jump! Read more on Ron Paul Plots New Democracy-Lite Path To Convention Glory…
  still fightin

Paultards Launch Hot Air Balloon Over SC Freeway to Remind People Paul Exists

Disciples of roguish Ron descended on the northern regions of South Carolina with a sunny yellow van and a hot air balloon Thursday morning, hovering the giant balloon, draped in two very small, not terribly convincing Ron Paul signs, over a frontage road off I-85 near Greenville. The ballooners told a local TV station, while standing in front of a billboard that reads “Massage Envy,” that they were just “pleading with people to go vote for Ron Paul in the primary. We wanted to be seen.” (The mere sight of the thing appeared to back up traffic for four miles, so great job.) Anyway, “pleading”! Indeed, we forgot the man was still in the race. The dudes were promptly given a citation for “improper lane use,” and enraged commuters will now vote for Herman Cain in protest. [Raw Story] Read more on Paultards Launch Hot Air Balloon Over SC Freeway to Remind People Paul Exists…
  race card tricks

Paultards Hate Huntsman for Knowing Chinese, Adopting Foreigners

The New Hampshire contingent of Paultards is stooping to core-of-the-earth lows today with a new ad featuring Napster-era audio quality, proof alone that the ad was definitely not made by Paul’s official moneybags campaign, but the freaks on the fringe of the fringe, who are still learning how to use a computer. In the ad, these cinematic visionaries show candidate Huntsman speaking in Mandarin and ask, “American values? Or Chinese?” and then insult Huntsman’s Indian- and Chinese-born adopted daughters. Oh boy. Read more on Paultards Hate Huntsman for Knowing Chinese, Adopting Foreigners…
  sex bomb sex bomb

Why Yes, There IS a Hawt Ron Paul Pin-Up Calendar

The babes of Paultardlandia, all (four) of them, have banded together to bring us a campy Xmasween Ron Paul calendar. It is an amazingly weird and wild libertarian mix of scantily-clad ladies, furries, vampires and flags (plus the sexxxy Photoshopped cover below) for America’s freedom-loving fappers! Here are some of the crazy photos, go clicky click! Read more on Why Yes, There IS a Hawt Ron Paul Pin-Up Calendar…
  vanity candidates

Fashion Update: Ron Paul Possibly Wearing Eyebrow Wigs

WHA?? So according to this weird image, it turns out that Dr. Ron Paul is either an alien cyborg whose face began partially melting off under the hot stage lights of the last GOP debate, OR, possibly, he was caught strangely using eyebrow toupees to beef up the facial hair testosterone quotient of his libertarian sex god persona. No pencil thin lady brows here, nosiree! To be fair, these are just some eyebrows we are talking about, whereas Mitt Romney is actually a known entirely fake human. Read more on Fashion Update: Ron Paul Possibly Wearing Eyebrow Wigs…
  the r3volution is now airborne

Bored With Blimps, Paultards Will Now Begin Jumping Out of Planes

Blimps, they are so 2008. Why have a blimp when you can have it rain actual Paultards all over your New Hampshire campaign event? Skydivers will jump from a helicopter over Derry on Sept. 29 for an aerial display and then land in a residential yard, highlighting a special question-and-answer session about the future of the nation with Presidential Candidate Ron Paul. Read more on Bored With Blimps, Paultards Will Now Begin Jumping Out of Planes…
  saw it in a nicolas cage movie once

Paultards Race To Discover Secret Meaning of Ron Paul Retirement

Ron Paul, currently on his third run for president, is finally “in it to win” this time: he announced he will not seek re-election to his Congressional seat so he can focus on his presidential run. This has led to a massive outpouring of grief from sobbing Paultards, who all want to know WHO NOW POSSIBLY will be that lone person to cast “nay” votes on bills to divest U.S. government interests supporting genocide in Darfur. Cooler heads, however, have correctly figured out that this move is all just part of Ron Paul’s secret plan.  Read more on Paultards Race To Discover Secret Meaning of Ron Paul Retirement…
  paultards rising

Hope And Change 2012: Ron Paul Blimp Maybe Coming Out of Storage

Some things in the world work like clockwork — a gay Republican is outed, an American president launches another war, John Boehner walks into a tanning booth, Ginni Thomas drunk dials Anita Hill — so we are not surprised and maybe even a little relieved to know that the Ron Paultards are once again out to revive the beloved Hindenburg of truth and freedom known as the Ron Paul Blimp. Its timeless message, “Who the hell is Ron Paul, ask Google” still speaks with approximately the same force as it did during its last appearance in the 2008 presidential election cycle, which, can we say the same about anything else in the last four years of our lives? No! And at least the blimp cannot talk, unlike every other candidate in the GOP field, so we will consider giving our vote to the Ron Paul Blimp.  Read more on Hope And Change 2012: Ron Paul Blimp Maybe Coming Out of Storage…
  paultards > 'boners for johnson'

Gary Johnson Running For President So He Can Be Embarrassed By Ron Paul

Gary Johnson will formally announce his candidacy for president in April while stumping in New Hampshire, an adviser told POLITICO. The former New Mexico governor will skip the step of creating an exploratory committee, opting for an immediate start to his bid for the GOP nomination. Read more on Gary Johnson Running For President So He Can Be Embarrassed By Ron Paul…
  people in the market for blimps

Like All Living Beings, Rand Paul Is Considering Running For President

Rand Paul may have only given up groping eyeballs in his uncertified ophthalmology dungeon a couple months ago to become a U.S. senator, but he apparently feels he knows enough about the federal government to consider running the whole joint himself. “The only decision I’ve made is I won’t run against my dad,” he reportedly said in South Carolina, which is not his home state, and is a place people generally only visit when they’re looking to relax on a mediocre beach, incite the region to secede, or, yes, run for president. What is it about running for president that won’t let any living American man, woman, child, dog, robot, or even inanimate object (“voters would rather drink a beer with this glass of beer”) ever rule out doing it? Why is everyone perpetually about to take a shot at “winning” this awful job? Read more on Like All Living Beings, Rand Paul Is Considering Running For President…
  Facebook Elections

Win Lunch (Probably PB & J and Celery Sticks) With Rand Paul

Farmer-taunting U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul has a new scheme to make himself look popular and beloved by the American nation: a “friend bomb” campaign on Facebook. “The goal is to have over 100,000 fans who ‘Like’ Rand’s Page,” says the page itself. It’s good to have goals! And your goal in all this? To win the grand prize: Lunch with the Paulster himself, in Kentucky. But how? Read more on Win Lunch (Probably PB & J and Celery Sticks) With Rand Paul…
  bottom feeders

Famous Teabag-Beat Reporter Dave Weigel Apologizing Again

The illiterate who ineptly cuts-and-pastes things at “Fishbowl DC” (remember that site?) is trying to get some traffic for the long-ignored MediaBistro blog by posting some banal crap from that “JournoList” email group the media kids in town use to send emails to each other. What could turn that into some SEO traffic, two years after the Politico pretended it was a Hot Story for six hours? Why not claim that actual reporter Dave Weigel is the Washington Post‘s “conservative blogger” and make up some dispute with “liberal bloggers” and then throw in mentions of teabaggers, the Drudge Report, and Michael Calderone. And put “scathing e-mails” in the hed. Will that do it? Uh, probably not. Read more on Famous Teabag-Beat Reporter Dave Weigel Apologizing Again…
  go rand paul!

Rand Paul Wants You To Not Enslave Him, and He Sort of Hates Major Republican Views

Oh, you’ve read a quote from Rand Paul saying the unemployed should stop complaining and get a job already? The Louisville Courier-Journal sees that and raises you a “here’s a whole bunch of quotes of Rand Paul saying crazy things about random government regulations and stuff Republicans hold dearly.” Certainly there are a lot of things in this bargain bin of Rand Paul wisdom. For example, he is against housing discrimination laws because what if there’s a “church, bed-and-breakfast or retirement neighborhood that doesn’t want noisy children”? And he doesn’t really care for the Americans with Disabilities Act, because can’t you just force the disabled to work on the ground floor instead of installing an elevator? But the best stuff is him trying to overcome the slavery of ophthalmologists and saying stuff that will anger Republicans. Read more on Rand Paul Wants You To Not Enslave Him, and He Sort of Hates Major Republican Views…
  go rand paul!

Paultards Harassing Other Hillbillies In Kentucky

Well, what do you know, Tea Party Paultards are harassing other voters in Kentucky, and “State and local officials say backers of Republican U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul have been removed by sheriff’s deputies from an eastern Kentucky polling place after complaints that they were harassing voters,” and the Rand-Paultards have also been kicked out of another KY county’s voting locations, and turnout is really low, and Paultards will always come through on these two particular things: There will not be very many of them, and they will be obnoxious as hell. [Kentucky.com] Read more on Paultards Harassing Other Hillbillies In Kentucky…
  scott brown sheds a tear

WONKETTE PAULTARD PAL GARRETT QUINN GETS BOSTON GLOBE GIG: What happens when people write for your Wonkette? They get hired to write for other things! Joining recent “used to write for Wonkette but just got better gigs” people Juli Weiner and Dave Weigel is our young friend Garrett Quinn, who is now an official blogger for that lefty paper up in Taxachusetts. [Boston Globe] Read more on …
  release the hounds

Socialist Commies Protest Bunning’s Kentucky Office

This brings back old memories, doesn’t it, from the era when American reality was even barely tethered to Planet Earth: hollow, cranky, lame-duck Sen. Jim Bunning, out of age-related bitterness, allows vital social services to expire and thousands of workers to take multi-day furloughs in the middle of a Great Depression, and people get upset about this and decide to protest his office in Kentucky! A rational protest, people! Read more on Socialist Commies Protest Bunning’s Kentucky Office…
  hot cock at cpac

Janet Napolitano Is Fat At CPAC!

Paultards dress up as Janet Napolitano, at CPAC! She is “Big Sis” because she runs the catch-all bureaucracy no one has ever given a shit about and which has no power, or resources. In other words: “Sumo” would be apt, because she may be fat, maybe. [Photo via Garrett Quinn] Read more on Janet Napolitano Is Fat At CPAC!…