Tag Archives: paula broadwell

  Misdemeanor? He hardly knew her

General Petraeus Pleads Guilty To Being Too Sexy For His Pants

Totally worth it
Great All-American Hero War-Winnin’ Savior and former CIA director Gen. David Petraeus has admitted to pillow-talking classified information into his mistress’s ear, which is against the law, it turns out, who knew? But, despite our gleeful prediction in January that perhaps he would do some, uh, HARD time for betraying his country to get some strange, that won’t be happening because what is he, some kind of common criminal? Read more on General Petraeus Pleads Guilty To Being Too Sexy For His Pants…
  But Clinton Lied About A Blowjob

You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!

Totally worth it
Wingnutty Expert on Everything Andrew Napolitano was all over Fox News Monday and Tuesday to float his expert opinion on why former CIA director David Petraeus is maybe going to face criminal charges for being a Gangster of Love. It’s all just because Barack Obama is out to get David Petraeus, who never did nothin’ wrong, because 1) Obama wanted to short-circuit Petraeus’s bright political career, and/or 2) Petraeus was about to spill the beans on what REALLY happened at Benghazi, so somebody in the White House revealed that the former general was boning his biographer, which somehow made it impossible for him to ever speak the REAL truth. Read more on You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!…
  Why does he hate America ALLEGEDLY?

Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!

Totally worth it
Don’t you just hate when you get caught sexing a lady what is not your wife and pillow-talking all of America’s classified secrets to her? Oh, you don’t do that? Then you are not ex-hero Gen. David Petraeus, who used to be America’s greatest patriot for winning ALL THE WARS and then being the boss of the CIA until resigning in disgrace for, oops, being a total disgrace to his country and himself, OOPS! Read more on Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!…
  All In? That's What She Said

General Petraeus Gives Flowers And Candy to America, Says He’s Sorry About Banging Not-Mrs. Petraeus

Disgraced ex-CIA director General David Petraeus — who was an angel-winged, gold-plated American hero until we found out he was totally banging that one chick named, no kidding, Paula BROADWELL (because Pussy Galore was already taken), who wrote that one fangirl book with the barely euphemistic title All In about how he is an angel-winged, gold-plated American hero — says he is very sorry about all of that and would like to kiss and make up with America now please: “Needless to say, I join you keenly aware that I am regarded in a different light now than I was a year ago. I am also keenly aware that the reason for my recent journey was my own doing. So please allow me to begin my remarks this evening by reiterating how deeply I regret – and apologize for – the circumstances that led to my resignation from the CIA and caused such pain for my family, friends and supporters,” he said. You see, he used to be regarded in the Hero General Who Saved America And Won All The Wars light, except by dirty fucking hippies like MoveOn.org, who said he would BETRAY US (get it?), but the chickenhawks in Congress were all, like, “Nuh uh, shut up, he is awesome and also very handsome in his uniform and stop hating America, MoveOn.” Read more on General Petraeus Gives Flowers And Candy to America, Says He’s Sorry About Banging Not-Mrs. Petraeus…
  how to make it in america

Paula Broadwell Was Going To Be A Senator, Because Why Not

Good morning, Wonkette darlings! It is Monday, and you have to ask yourself: are you getting a little bored with the Petraeus scandal? We mean, sure, it’s fun thinking about the crazy grifting identical twins and hot (?) shirtless FBI guys, but the actual core of the scandal — married dude and married lady with similar interests (one of which being the married dude’s awesomeness) spend a lot of time together and end up boning — is starting to seem a little played out. What this scandal needs is a counterfactual shot in the arm, such as: what if the FBI had never found those pesky email sexts, and then, a few years from now, it came out that CIA director Petraeus was having a sex affair with North Carolina Senator Paula Broadwell? That would certainly be an exciting scandal that would rock the nation and whatever political party Broadwell belonged to for weeks, would it not? Read more on Paula Broadwell Was Going To Be A Senator, Because Why Not…
  pix or it didnt happen

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’

By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, we got our SHIRTLESS FBI GUY!!1! (Photo from Seattle Times.) “Fred is a passionate kind of guy,” said one former colleague. “He’s kind of an obsessive type. If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.” That description would appear to fit his involvement in the current investigation. Oh, New York Times, how we love it when you’re a catty bitch. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’…
  crazy for feeling so lonely

Nuts & Sluts: In Which Your Wonkette Agrees With Pat Robertson And Richard Cohen About Paula Broadwell

There is a lot of Yap and Huff on the Internet right about now about how poor Paula Broadwell is being SEXISMED because nobody is making tons of mocking fun of disgraced former top spook David Petraeus, but people are all OH HER CLOTHES WERE TOO TIGHT SLUT SLUT SLUT. They seem to be regarding the current Unpleasantness as just another in our unbroken epochs of Blame the Floozy. But is it possible that the reason we are not making fun of David Petraeus is because the US has, 20 years after Bill Clinton, become less puritanical about affairs, and the reason we are all making fun of Paula Broadwell has nothing to do with her flooziness but rather is because she is (allegedly) a psycho nutzoid Internet stalker who is one crowbar and a pack of Depends away from driving to Houston to kneecap a bitch? Like, we are sorry there is still sexism in the world, and the women are blamed for the affairs and stuff, but maybe that isn’t actually what is happening here! For instance! If she hadn’t gone bunny-boiler (allegedly) would anybody even have cared about the boffing — if it were even discovered at all? We posit not really! Also, some Internet stalkers really are crazy, even if they are women, and it is not not-feminist to say so! (We have one ourself. We would print all her messages to us, but then you would be scared, and probably cry.) And we think it hurts equality to insist that Broadwell is somehow a victim in this, and society is to blame. And that is where Richard Cohen and Pat Robertson come in. Read more on Nuts & Sluts: In Which Your Wonkette Agrees With Pat Robertson And Richard Cohen About Paula Broadwell…
  invasion of a rack

David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone

Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today. We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap. We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency. But WOW, is there more. Read more on David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone…
  covert joint operations

Biographer Lady Revealed To Be Petraeus Mistress, Linchpin Of Benghazi Cover-Up Probably

Everybody’s all scandalized over the resignation of CIA director and retired Army General David Petraeus, who rather conveniently had to resign because of an affair one week before he had to testify about Benghazi, just sayin’, we should probably impeach the president. But! Slate has uncovered the alleged Other Woman, which lends it a bit more credibility? She is not an Elizabeth Warren aide, as our friends keep yelling at us, but is, as Fred Kaplan writes pretty definitively, Paula Broadwell, who wrote this year’s (rather … friendly) biography of Petraeus. Turns out the thing should have had a picture of Fabio on the cover. Read more on Biographer Lady Revealed To Be Petraeus Mistress, Linchpin Of Benghazi Cover-Up Probably…