Tag Archives: paul ryan

  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  christmas miracles

How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!

Hey Congress, watcha doing? Making laws and working hard, ahahahhaha, yeah right, pardon us and our humor. The House has already skipped town to go home and await the arrival of White Santa, and the Senate just finished voting on the two-year compromise budget resolution, which passed 57-33. A COMPROMISE?!?! Yep, it seems that Sen. Patty Murray (D-Sneakers) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-P90X) came together on a very small budget deal that will maybe possibly prevent a government shutdown. Congress has been fellating itself all week because that’s what you do when you accomplish ONE GODDAM THING. We bet you want to know what is in this budget, don’t ya? Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!…
  fruits and nuts

John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars

Pity poor Weeper of the House John Boehner. He only just got the memo that conservatives are … how shall we put this delicately? … completely bugfuck insane: House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) on Thursday held firm in his criticism of outside conservative groups after a war of words Wednesday, questioning their credibility and saying they’ve gone “over the line” for attacking a budget deal brokered by Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA). “Frankly I think they’re misleading their followers. I think they’re pushing our members in places where they want to be. And frankly I just think they’ve lost all credibility,” he told reporters at his weekly press conference Thursday. Boehner is none too pleased that the tentative budget deal in which conservatives get basically everything they want — more money for the military, no new taxes, plus some extra screwing of government workers, just for kicks, and a promise to maybe think about extending unemployment benefits at a later time maybe wink wink — is still making the kamikaze wing of the Republican Party shake its tiny fists of rage just because the deal does not include making Obama impeach himself, making poors even poorer because that’ll learn ‘em to be poors, or drowning the government in a bathtub. As soon as the deal was announced, and before anyone even knew what was in it, conservative deep-thinkers from the Club For Growth, Heritage Action, and FreedomWorks started getting all whiny and insisting it is a Bad Thing and John Boehner is a Bad Man who is trying to destroy the party and the Republic itself and other similar arglebargling sounds. And hoo boy does Boehner hate when unreasonable people get all kinds of critical about stuff they don’t even understand: “There comes a point when people step over the line. When you criticize something and you have no idea what you’re criticizing, it undermines your credibility.” Read more on John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars…
  political ads to bombard your television in 3...2...

Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die

OhEmmGee, you guys! Remember how a year ago we were all Hopey and Changey Part II and still drunkenly reveling in the streets because Blablack Blackbama was returning triumphantly to the White House and we were finally done with Richie Rich and his TigerBeat sidekick? Well strap on your campaign buttons because while there are only 36 shopping days until the pagan celebration of mid-winter, there are ONLY 1,085 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! Don’t care about it yet? No one else does either. But since there are only so many shit-sandwiches we can write about, let’s sexplore what completely irrelevant things politicians are doing three years out in order to get their names in the newspapers!  Read more on Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die…
  insane in the campaign

‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty

There’s a new book out about the 2012 election that made Barack Obama dictator for life (again) and exiled Mitt Romney to the wolf-stalked beaches of Southern California. It’s called “Double Down,” probably after the KFC bacon and cheese and two hunks of fried chicken instead of bread sandwich, because like the sandwich it appeals to a small group of antisocial gluttons while nauseating everyone else. “Double Down” is by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the guys who wrote “Game Change,” a book that got made into a movie about Sarah Palin and how she is terrible. LOL DIDN’T READ is what we said to that, and we won’t be reading this one either, because the liberal media has already done it for us. Here’s a taste: “I’m tired of you people!!!” the book quotes Christie as saying. “Leave me the [expletive] alone!!!!” Christie said this to some Romney lackey after Christie was criticized for making his GOP convention speech all about himself. You want more? Yeah, yeah you do. You want it bad. Read more on ‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty…
  here is my offer: nothing

Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies

Shutdown day 11! Hope you have been getting your Government Shutdown Bonus Card stamped every day, because 12 shutdown days earns you one free voter repression in the swing state of your choice! (Wonkette is going with a minority college kid in North Carolina.) Well, yesterday saw President Obama meeting with top GOP lawmakers at the White House to Not Negotiate an end to the GOP shutdown over repealing Obamacare defunding Obamacare delaying Obamacare stubbornness? Who knows anymore. But good news! “We had a useful meeting. We agreed to continue discussions,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said upon returning to the Capitol. A useful meeting AND more discussions!!1! Just the fact that there is a conversation happening sent stocks rising faster than Rick Santorum’s peener when he dreams of coupling with Ronald Reagan’s corpse. Let’s sexplore what deal may be cooking.  Read more on Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies…
  nice time!

Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors

New Pope is making us happy again, Wonkeroos. He’s on a trip to Brazil where he is doing awesome New Popey things like riding in an open-air vehicle to be closer to the people, and actually walking into people’s homes to give them high-fives and stuff. The guy is goddam fucking just plain awesome.* And what makes our librul bleeding hearts become moar bleedier is when he says stuff like this, from WaPo: In his remarks in Varginha [Brazil], the pope criticized the “culture of selfishness and individualism,” spoke of how the wealthy need to do more to end social injustice and told residents to “never yield to discouragement” because of corruption. Ah, yes – calling on the wealthy to do more to end social injustice. As citizens of the wealthiest country on earth, we are super-excited to see what U.S. politicians and Catholic Churches do in the wake of this kind of conversation!  Read more on Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors…
  my primary function is failure

Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President

In deciding to run for President in 2012, Mitt Romney ignored his family’s advice and his own vote in an informal family poll, according to an upcoming campaign book obtained by the Huffington Post. Sam Stein reports that over the 2010 Christmas holiday, the Romney family took a vote on whether he should run for President in 2012. Of the twelve votes, 10 were against the idea, including Mitt himself. Refusing to see this an inevitable foreshadowing of the rest of the country, and unable to override the “% become POTUS” command line in his programming, Romney was left with no choice but to run anyway. Read more on Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President…
  Let them eat nothing and like it

Paul Ryan Still Focused On Hating The Poors, But In A New Special Way

Rep. Paul “P90X” Ryan, the Great Policy-Doin’ Hope of the Republican Party until he helped assure that Queen Ann Romney would never install a car elevator in the White House (and a grateful nation thanks him!), has been “focused on poverty these days.” Oh, don’t worry. He’s still focused on how much he hates the poors. He just has a new reason now: “Look, I’m a conservative who believes that our constitutional principles, founding principles are the key principles for the day and they’re the best if applied to our problems to solve problems,” Ryan said during an appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “And we need to have that kind of temperament. This is why I’m focused on poverty these days, this is why I’m focused on — we’ve got the 50th anniversary of the war on poverty coming up next year. We don’t have much to show for it.” He used to hate the poors because his “Catholic faith” and “the social magisterium” and “fucking poors should stop being taker moocher scum and GET OFF HIS LAWN BECAUSE JESUS!” But then all the Jesus experts — like the Catholic bishops and a cadre of nerdy Catholic scholars who have actually read the Bible, not just the abridged version as imagined by Ayn Rand — were all, like, “Shut the fuck up, you big-eared prick, that’s not what Jesus said AT ALL. Stop making him cry.” Read more on Paul Ryan Still Focused On Hating The Poors, But In A New Special Way…
  Cavalcade Of Futility

Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President

Here’s a poll from Gallup that nicely encapsulates why the Republican party is so screwed: Among Republicans, Paul Ryan is the top choice out of five prospective candidates to lose the presidency to Hillary in 2016 (the others were, in order, Rubio, that amateur dentist fellow, a known Canadian anchor baby, and Chris Christie), but among “adults,” Ryan comes third. The adults like Chris Christie best because he is “real,” probably, and also “bipartisanship,” which in this case means he was not a huge dick to a man he was about to hit up for several billion dollars. We’ll take it, we guess. The big question, of course, is: Will Republican primary voters look past Christie’s flaws, like how he was nice to that Kenyan imposter, and how he maybe thinks evolution is real, and realize he’s pretty much the only person with an “R” after their name that stands a snowball’s chance in the Senate of getting elected? Read more on Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President…
  kids these days

Paul Ryan’s ‘Sole Intern’ Is The Delightful Sextortin’ Sociopath You Expected Him To Be

Okay first off it must be said that nothing pains yur Wonket more than having to credit former Washington Times Editor and fancy-puter using white supremacist Robert Stacey McCain with publishing something that is genuinely interesting or relevant. But indeed, he seems to have found a piece of news that involves more than just rambling about how Emmett Till had it coming: Adam Savader, a former intern for Paul Ryan, was arrested by the FBI and charged in a weird sexual extortion scheme Yeah “weird” is a bit of an understatement. Turns out that the intern in question is a baby-faced ratfucker to the stars who worked with not just Paul Ryan but has been passed around to Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. In other words young Adam was not just a participant in the world’s worst imaginable foursome, but his resume virtually guaranteed that he was primed to get a plumb job ruining the world. (Did you know Paul Ryan got his start as Jack Kemp’s intern? Well you know it now!) According to the affidavit, from May 2012 through February 2013, Adam Paul Savader sent anonymous text messages using Google Voice numbers to 15 women stating that he had nude photographs of the women and threatening to distribute the nude photographs to the women’s friends and family members unless the women sent him more nude photographs of themselves. Savader sent some of the victims links to a photo-sharing website where nude pictures of the victims had been posted. That’s some fine rational self-egoism there sport! We’re sure the folks at the Atlasphere will really enjoy your tales of besting those young ladies and getting them to show off their Taggarts under duress (that is after your five years in the federal pokey). Read more on Paul Ryan’s ‘Sole Intern’ Is The Delightful Sextortin’ Sociopath You Expected Him To Be…
  down the rabbit hole

Paul Ryan Unveils Budget, Makes ‘White Rabbit’ Our New National Anthem

It is budget season again in Washington, D.C., which means it is time for the villagers in our nation’s capital to pretend that a plan written by Congressman Paul Ryan, who was last seen on election night icing down his tuchus after being spanked hard by Barry Bamz and Old Handsome Joe Biden, is not the legislative equivalent of a rotting whale carcass washed up on a beach. We admit, sometimes your Wonkette struggles to dislike Paul Ryan. How can you dislike a guy with that shayna punim? Those soulful eyes! That hangdog expression! It is as if a bunny rabbit and a tree sloth had a baby, and then that baby had sex with pouty-lipped Scarlett Johansson, and then she had a baby, and that baby is the unholy but soooo adorable bunny rabbit/tree sloth/pouty-lipped Scarlett Johansson mash-up that is Paul Ryan! Then words begin spewing out of the mouth hole of the unholy Paul Ryan thing and you want to scream “What part of shut the fuck up and go the fuck away, Paul Ryan, do you not understand?” Read more on Paul Ryan Unveils Budget, Makes ‘White Rabbit’ Our New National Anthem…
  people behaving completely appropriately

Mean Lawyer Booed Paul Ryan, We All Weep For Paul Ryan

Today’s morning revelation comes to you from the rough-and-tumble conservative blogosphere, which is now so tough that it is calling out individual people who are mean to congressmen. The most recent offender is Dan Freeman, who claims to have started the round of booing that greeted Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Faded Dreamland) when he made an appearance at the inauguration Monday. Since he is not a Corporation, we are furious that he is allowed to have political speech! Read more on Mean Lawyer Booed Paul Ryan, We All Weep For Paul Ryan…
  regulate women not markets

Paul Ryan Focusing On Jobs With New Bill About One-Celled Embryos

Lucky you, Amercia, Paul Ryan (R-Complete Tool) is back at work and ready to focus on the issues. After all, Paul Ryan is a Very Serious Person who is Very Concerned about Jobs and The Economy! So when he was campaigning we were all bereft of his leadership on these and other pressing issues, and it was sad, and surely we suffered mightily for it. But today we bring you good news, for he is BACK, you guys, and now that he is back, he is dedicated to his number one legislative priority: cosponsoring legislation that promotes job growth  protects one-celled embryos. Read more on Paul Ryan Focusing On Jobs With New Bill About One-Celled Embryos…
  seether

Watch Paul Ryan’s Wife Janna Stop Herself From Tearing Unemployed Guy’s Throat Out With Her Teeth

Here is a rather whiny guy (Millennial, obvs) who simply will not leave Paul Ryan alone, when all Paul Ryan is trying to do is mind his own business and walk in a Memorial Day parade or something and not talk to him about his silly old “can’t get a job” problem! He is WALKING HERE!!! The whiny Millennial is all like “So what should I do, work for a dollar an hour like in China?” which is an excellent point considering His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney was exposed today talking about how China is “better” for business than America, which we will presumably write about when Kris E. Benson wakes up. So Paul Ryan does what Paul Ryan always does, and brushes him off with an offer of candy. (We bet the homeless fellow that Paul Ryan did not punch in the face would have liked some candy, but he got the gift of twice-washed dishes instead.) That is all well and good and exactly what you would expect from Paul Ryan. We are more interested in Paul Ryan’s seething wife, Janna, who seems to be an Egg in the making! Read more on Watch Paul Ryan’s Wife Janna Stop Herself From Tearing Unemployed Guy’s Throat Out With Her Teeth…
  he's sorry if any of you crazy bitches took offense

On Behalf Of Fellow Women Everywhere, John McCain Accepts Richard Mourdock’s Rapebortion ‘Apology’

Richard Mourdock has “apologized” (no he hasn’t) for saying rape is Jesus’s special way of giving you something productive to do for the next 18 years instead of whoring around on Saturday nights like common trollops, and on behalf of us all, John McCain has graciously accepted his “apology”! So it’s cool you guys, John McCain says it’s cool. Ladies, put down your bras and pitchforks and go back to crowing over the corpse of your mortal enemy CNN. But is there anything … odd … about this “apology” and McCain’s acceptance of it on behalf of us all? Well why on earth would you think that? Read more on On Behalf Of Fellow Women Everywhere, John McCain Accepts Richard Mourdock’s Rapebortion ‘Apology’…
  rafalca goes to war

Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’

Mitt Romney got his ass handed to him last night, but to be fair, sometimes he handed himself his own ass, like when he claimed that Syria was Iran’s “route to the sea” and also, most of the other times that he opened his mouth and words came out. (Maybe the moderator could have helped him out by asking a question about the Cayman Islands? Last we heard, those are foreign!) ANYWAY, probably the finest of these non-self-inflicted ass-handing moments came when Romney was comparing today’s military to the military of the early 20th century, arguing that Obama was going to leave America unsafe forever and ever by refusing to give the Navy a bunch of ships they never asked for. Obama replied that yeah, he’s going to give them fewer ships, because DUH, they use fewer ships, and also, fewer horses and bayonets, IDIOT. This, however, hurt Fox News’ feelings, as it is apparently still remembering with longing 1917 in Flanders Fields. And it also hurt the feelings of this one serviceman who Tweeted at Fox News that we still do use bayonets in the military! Read more on Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’…
  We are all over this

Ohio Soup Kitchen Obviously The Real Villain In Paul Ryan’s Dishwatergate

In yet another example of the weird-ass confluence between food and politics in the current campaign season, the Youngstown, Ohio soup kitchen where Paul Ryan staged a photo-op by washing clean pans is now facing an angry wave of cancelled donations, maybe! Nothing supports the GOP stance of letting private charity take the place of government programs like starving some homelesses out of bungled-photo-op spite. Or maybe it’s receiving a surge of generous private donation fom libruls who want Big Government to provide everything to the Poors? Or some of each? As you recall, the St. Vincent DePaul Society’s president, Brian J. Antal, objected after the Ryan team “ramrodded their way” into the kitchen after it had already finished serving local Poors their gruel for the day, saying that the empty gesture never should have been allowed. As a result, Romney/Ryan supporters have withheld donations from the Catholic charity and flooded it with angry phone calls. God told them to, we are quite sure. Read more on Ohio Soup Kitchen Obviously The Real Villain In Paul Ryan’s Dishwatergate…
  dishwatergate

Paul Ryan Loves Poors So Much He Didn’t Even Punch This Homeless Man In The Face (Video)

Remember yesterday, when we learned that mortician’s apprentice* Paul Ryan likes to help poor people by doing jobs that have already been done? (And THANKS, Wonkette tip line tipsters, for asking this morning why we are not all over this. THANKS FOR READING, SO MUCH. Here, let us give you that link AGAIN.) And not only that, but he “ramrodded” his way in, and everyone was sooo pissed? Well above is the fascinating behind-the-scenes video of “Mr.” Ryan so naturally rolling up his sleeves to wash that clean pan for the cameras. My, he doesn’t even have to think about it for a moment! Clean pan? Sure! Got a brush? It is vaguely fascinating! But we also have a new aspect to this story, and that is the homeless man Paul Ryan graces with his mouthwords right at the end of the video. Read more on Paul Ryan Loves Poors So Much He Didn’t Even Punch This Homeless Man In The Face (Video)…
  if dishes were wishes beggars would ride

Dishwatergate: Paul Ryan Dishwashing Scandal Worse Than Ever Imagined

In the distant past — a couple hours ago? — we saw on the Tweeter that utter douche Paul Ryan had done some stupid photo-op at a soup kitchen where breakfast had already been served and the dishes already washed. But never one to let a 15-minute investment be for naught, he picked up a sponge and faked washing some pans for the cameras. Now, we did not run with this TERRIBLE SCANDAL because we honestly figured that pretty much every politician on the planet would do the same thing, and sometimes (weirdly) we are not Titans of Hypocritical Partisanship. BUT! Now the soup kitchen’s president has bitched to the Post that HE OR SHE (okay, he, we checked now) is MAD AS HECK, because not only was it a bullshit photo op, but the Romney-Ryan campaign had “ramrodded” their way in. That does not sound very nice! Or heterosexual! Read more on Dishwatergate: Paul Ryan Dishwashing Scandal Worse Than Ever Imagined…