Tag Archives: paul ryan

  what if?

What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?

A couple of weeks ago, I ended my column with a lie: “Next time:” I wrote, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog whistle so loudly that everybody, not just dogs, could hear it?” Of course I had no intentions of writing about this “What If?” subject at all; I added it as a throwaway gag. Wonkette readers can be unpredictable, though! It turns out that most of you just read the first part of the sentence, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog,” and then got so excited and overstimulated that you forgot to read the rest, and off you went chattering about Paul Ryan blowing a dog. You guys! First of all… ew. Seriously, you Wonketeers have such totally dirty minds! Gross! But… what if it were true? What if Paul Ryan really did blow a dog? I reckon that would be newsworthy! Let’s talk this one out after the jump. Read more on What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?…
  all the nudes that's fit to sprint

With (Debatable) ‘Naked/Nekkid’ Distinction, Alan Simpson Completes Transformation Into Cartoon Character

This is the sort of thing that gets a blogger through a Tuesday, it really is: When retired Senator Alan Simpson got a call from a Des Moines Register reporter, he asked for a moment to get ready for the interview because he was “stark nekkid.” “Do you know the difference between naked and nekkid?” he asked The Des Moines Register when he returned to the telephone interview Monday. “If you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on, but if you’re nekkid you don’t have any clothes on but you’re up to something.” We are convinced that Alan Simpson is working very hard on actually becoming Abraham J. “Grampa” Simpson. He may as well dye his skin bright yellow, though we won’t insist that he have surgery to remove one finger on each hand, because dedication to cosplay only goes so far. On the Standard Scale of Old Man Stereotypes, Sen. Simpson has just upped his status from “codger” to “coot.” (Mind you, we do not mean to imply this is a bad thing. Like Calvin, Yr Doktor Zoom looks forward to the day when he can “putter around.”) Read more on With (Debatable) ‘Naked/Nekkid’ Distinction, Alan Simpson Completes Transformation Into Cartoon Character…
  clipbait

Watch Jon Stewart Drop A Factical Nuke On Paul Ryan’s Fake School Lunch Story

If you follow Yr Wonket closely, you probably already know that Yr Editrix helped debunk Paul Ryan’s moving, mostly untrue CPAC story about how liberals are terrible people who want to feed hungry children food instead of brown paper, which truly loves them. True parts: there was a kid and a paper bag. The story made the rounds all weekend, and if there’s a better rapid-fire summary of just how much Paul Ryan got wrong than Jon Stewart’s, we don’t know what it is. Enjoy! Read more on Watch Jon Stewart Drop A Factical Nuke On Paul Ryan’s Fake School Lunch Story…
  not russian into anything

Rand Paul Would Solve Ukraine Crisis By Drilling Everywhere For Oil, Because Shut Up Is Why

CPAC Straw Poll winner Rand Paul proved his serious leadership mojo Sunday, telling Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace that if he were president, he knows exactly what he’d do in response to Russia’s invasion of Crimea: “I would do something differently from the president,” Paul said. “I would immediately get every obstacle out of the way for our export of oil and gas, and I would begin drilling in every possible conceivable place within our territories in order to have production we can supply Europe with if it’s interrupted from Ukraine.” Apparently no one told Mr. Paul that drilling oil and gas wells is a wee bit more complex than turning on a tap — we are not geological engineers, but we are fairly certain that it takes a little while, like at least longer than getting your car’s heater to really warm you up on a cold day, we bet. Read more on Rand Paul Would Solve Ukraine Crisis By Drilling Everywhere For Oil, Because Shut Up Is Why…
  yo momma

It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents

Paul Ryan is in the news for lying again, and Wonkette helped break the story, go us! The Washington Post cited yr Editrix’s post about a comment on this TPM story that noted how Paul Ryan’s tale of a young boy who preferred the brown-bagged love of his parents to the hard cheese of socialism was suspiciously similar to one in this book, and good work if you followed all that. WaPo’s Glenn Kessler gave Ryan’s rotten fable four Pinocchios, because Paul Ryan is a small puppet child who talks to crickets, and also because he lies a lot. But honestly, we don’t care too much that Paul Ryan is lying. It’s Paul Ryan, after all. No, we care a lot more that he has a habit of calling our parents losers. His recent quattro pinocchio is a great example. Read more on It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…
  intellectual property and school lunches are theft

Somebody Is Stealing Children To Put In Paul Ryan Speeches!

Just minutes ago, we learned about wise children leading us to an understanding that … liberals do not love their children, and love comes in brown paper bags we guess? Like 40s of Colt? Paul Ryan used the story of a sad boy who didn’t want government cheese sandwich lunch, but instead wanted a paper bag lunch, like the kind prepared by people who don’t hate their children and want them to die. Ryan was careful to cite the source of his story as some (undoubtedly racist) woman who works for Scott Walker. (Scott Walker’s office just can’t stop racisming!) And it had a homily about please don’t eat the government cheese. But would you believe that story was STOLEN? It is true. And the moral of the story was about how free lunches are awesome? Let’s sexplore! Read more on Somebody Is Stealing Children To Put In Paul Ryan Speeches!…
  suffer the little children ... no that's it just suffer the little children

Paul Ryan Knows Poor Families And Liberals Do Not Love Their Kids

Paul Ryan, remember him? He’s the jackass Mitt Romney picked to shore up the conservatives who think Mitt Romney is a goddamn commie liberal. He likes to exercise, and whine and show alpha dog Joe Biden his belly. Well, recently, he’s been on an “I’m a big bleedingheart Catholic so my thing now is poverty” thing, and he proved it at CPAC today by sadsplaining that poor families (and also liberals) do not love their kids. This, of course, is all happening because the GOP, in its infinite wisdom, has found a surefire electoral strategy, and that is being angry that poor children get to eat. So first Paul Ryan made a Take Obamacare … Please! joke, good one Paul Ryan, and then he started concernsplaining about free lunches, and how they make the Babby Jesus — the one who multiplied the loaves and fishes and then sold them to the highest bidder in a perfect market — cry. Read more on Paul Ryan Knows Poor Families And Liberals Do Not Love Their Kids…
  mo money mo problems

Wonksplainer! Congress Unveils Spending Bill That Will Probably Screw You Over Somehow

Hold on to your hats, gentlemen, and clutch your pearls, ladies, because House and Senate negotiators have come up with a … wait for it… COMPROMISE! After you pick you jaws up from the floor, we shall dig through all the nooks and crannies of this funding agreement, forged deep in the depths of Mt. Doom the Capitol Basement. There are tons of goodies in there, including a massive increase to embassy security spending because BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI. It was an increase of… let’s see… carry the 4… multiply by the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow… NEGATIVE $224 MILLION. Yep, sure am glad that 8,634 Congressional hearings into embassy security resulted in LESS funding for embassy security. Let’s wonksplore other nuggets found in the bill.  Read more on Wonksplainer! Congress Unveils Spending Bill That Will Probably Screw You Over Somehow…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  christmas miracles

How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!

Hey Congress, watcha doing? Making laws and working hard, ahahahhaha, yeah right, pardon us and our humor. The House has already skipped town to go home and await the arrival of White Santa, and the Senate just finished voting on the two-year compromise budget resolution, which passed 57-33. A COMPROMISE?!?! Yep, it seems that Sen. Patty Murray (D-Sneakers) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-P90X) came together on a very small budget deal that will maybe possibly prevent a government shutdown. Congress has been fellating itself all week because that’s what you do when you accomplish ONE GODDAM THING. We bet you want to know what is in this budget, don’t ya? Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!…
  fruits and nuts

John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars

Pity poor Weeper of the House John Boehner. He only just got the memo that conservatives are … how shall we put this delicately? … completely bugfuck insane: House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) on Thursday held firm in his criticism of outside conservative groups after a war of words Wednesday, questioning their credibility and saying they’ve gone “over the line” for attacking a budget deal brokered by Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA). “Frankly I think they’re misleading their followers. I think they’re pushing our members in places where they want to be. And frankly I just think they’ve lost all credibility,” he told reporters at his weekly press conference Thursday. Boehner is none too pleased that the tentative budget deal in which conservatives get basically everything they want — more money for the military, no new taxes, plus some extra screwing of government workers, just for kicks, and a promise to maybe think about extending unemployment benefits at a later time maybe wink wink — is still making the kamikaze wing of the Republican Party shake its tiny fists of rage just because the deal does not include making Obama impeach himself, making poors even poorer because that’ll learn ’em to be poors, or drowning the government in a bathtub. As soon as the deal was announced, and before anyone even knew what was in it, conservative deep-thinkers from the Club For Growth, Heritage Action, and FreedomWorks started getting all whiny and insisting it is a Bad Thing and John Boehner is a Bad Man who is trying to destroy the party and the Republic itself and other similar arglebargling sounds. And hoo boy does Boehner hate when unreasonable people get all kinds of critical about stuff they don’t even understand: “There comes a point when people step over the line. When you criticize something and you have no idea what you’re criticizing, it undermines your credibility.” Read more on John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars…
  political ads to bombard your television in 3...2...

Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die

OhEmmGee, you guys! Remember how a year ago we were all Hopey and Changey Part II and still drunkenly reveling in the streets because Blablack Blackbama was returning triumphantly to the White House and we were finally done with Richie Rich and his TigerBeat sidekick? Well strap on your campaign buttons because while there are only 36 shopping days until the pagan celebration of mid-winter, there are ONLY 1,085 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! Don’t care about it yet? No one else does either. But since there are only so many shit-sandwiches we can write about, let’s sexplore what completely irrelevant things politicians are doing three years out in order to get their names in the newspapers!  Read more on Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die…
  insane in the campaign

‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty

There’s a new book out about the 2012 election that made Barack Obama dictator for life (again) and exiled Mitt Romney to the wolf-stalked beaches of Southern California. It’s called “Double Down,” probably after the KFC bacon and cheese and two hunks of fried chicken instead of bread sandwich, because like the sandwich it appeals to a small group of antisocial gluttons while nauseating everyone else. “Double Down” is by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the guys who wrote “Game Change,” a book that got made into a movie about Sarah Palin and how she is terrible. LOL DIDN’T READ is what we said to that, and we won’t be reading this one either, because the liberal media has already done it for us. Here’s a taste: “I’m tired of you people!!!” the book quotes Christie as saying. “Leave me the [expletive] alone!!!!” Christie said this to some Romney lackey after Christie was criticized for making his GOP convention speech all about himself. You want more? Yeah, yeah you do. You want it bad. Read more on ‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty…
  here is my offer: nothing

Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies

Shutdown day 11! Hope you have been getting your Government Shutdown Bonus Card stamped every day, because 12 shutdown days earns you one free voter repression in the swing state of your choice! (Wonkette is going with a minority college kid in North Carolina.) Well, yesterday saw President Obama meeting with top GOP lawmakers at the White House to Not Negotiate an end to the GOP shutdown over repealing Obamacare defunding Obamacare delaying Obamacare stubbornness? Who knows anymore. But good news! “We had a useful meeting. We agreed to continue discussions,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said upon returning to the Capitol. A useful meeting AND more discussions!!1! Just the fact that there is a conversation happening sent stocks rising faster than Rick Santorum’s peener when he dreams of coupling with Ronald Reagan’s corpse. Let’s sexplore what deal may be cooking.  Read more on Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies…