Tag Archives: paul ryan

  another reason he'll never be president

Paul Ryan Knows Real Problem With Welfare Is How Rich Those Poor People Get Off It

Paul Ryan, high as fuck
Republican Rep. Paul Ryan is the wonky boy genius of the House of Representatives, according to his colleagues and the voice in his head, because he wrote a “budget” one time to privatize Medicare, slash welfare benefits, and tell the poors to feed themselves with their own damned bootstraps, like Jesus said. Read more on Paul Ryan Knows Real Problem With Welfare Is How Rich Those Poor People Get Off It…
  You just have to love America enough for it to work

House Republicans’ New Budget Holds Every Terrific Idea The Teabaggers Have Had … And More!

You just have to love America enough for it to work
Oh neat, it’s that time again when Republicans introduce their plan to make America flush with cash and liberty by drowning government in a bathtub and letting olds figure out their own damn health care and generally requesting that we all grab our ankles and hold on tight. Again? Yes, again. So what kinds of nifty fix-everything ideas did the GOP come up with this time, using an abacus and some of Rep. Paul Ryan’s left over magic fairy dust from his days as budget chairman, when he tried and failed to save America? Oh, the usual: Read more on House Republicans’ New Budget Holds Every Terrific Idea The Teabaggers Have Had … And More!…
  It's Obama's fault

Paul Ryan So Mad At Obama For Inventing Poverty

lying liar who lies
We know what you are thinking, and it is that you haven’t seen enough of Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)  in the news lately. What has he been up to? Oh, nothing much, just saying lies about President Obama’s new budget proposal in his best sanctimonious voice, but it doesn’t really matter, because he is only the extremely powerful chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, which is in charge of tax legislation. Read more on Paul Ryan So Mad At Obama For Inventing Poverty…
  What The (Bleep!) Does Anyone Know?

2014: The Year Of Terrible Science From People Saying ‘I’m Not A Scientist’

Science: now officially optional!
We know that politicians actually started saying “I’m not a scientist” well before 2014 — Marco Rubio adopted it in 2012 when asked how old the earth was — but this was definitely the year it became Republicans’ go-to strategy for avoiding journalists’ questions about global warming and/or evolution. On matters of climate, it’s a fine supplement to the previous favorite dodge, “I believe the climate is always changing.” And what a fine year of not-science the Right has given us! Read more on 2014: The Year Of Terrible Science From People Saying ‘I’m Not A Scientist’…
  The New Math

GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash

Pic via 1Funny As the year draws to a close, we here in the Washington Bureau are grateful for many things. Because we are Americans, we are most grateful for our capital-F Freedom and its valiant defenders, not least the right-wing fiscal fringers of the coming 114th Congress. These brave budget warriors will liberate us from the tyranny of traditional government math, freeing us from the chains of logic and allowing our wildest fiscal fantasies to come true. Read more on GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash…
  Science: What Has It Done For Us?

Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming

It's Banksy, in a canal, with a spray can.
Paul Ryan one-upped the rest of the Republican Party in a debate against his Democratic challenger Monday night. Most R’s have been content to say that they don’t have to express an opinion on the reality of climate change because “I’m not a scientist.” But Paul Ryan went one better and said that neither are scientists. Read more on Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Good morning, everything is terrible again. Hooray, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-His Butt) has a new book out, called How I Learned To Stop Caring What Jesus Actually Had To Say Because I Sure Do Hate The Poors, or whatever he’s calling it, who cares? Courtesy of The Agenda Project Action Fund, please enjoy the original book cover above. You’re welcome. Read more on Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  reunited and it feels so good

Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?

America, are you ready to take a chance again? Are you ready to have the white-hot flames of passion lick at your nether regions? Are you pining for a real man who will sweep you off your feet? Are you wishing you’d never lost that lovin’ feeling? Then America, you are so ready for the Mitt Romney resurgence. Yes, Mitt is back, baby, and he is blander than ever. Read more on Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?…
  unto the least of these

Nifty Kid, 8, Raises Money For School Lunch For Everyone (Hey, Michigan: He Shouldn’t Have To!)

Let’s have a round of applause for 8-year-old Cayden Taipalus of Howell, Michigan, who did a pretty awesome thing with a little help from his mom. One day at lunch, Cayden saw another kid being served the Poverty Lunch — a slice of American Cheese on plain bread — because the other kid’s lunch account was in arrears by more than $5. You know, there’s no free lunch, gotta teach responsibility, can’t let people get away with being moochers. But instead of triumphantly writing in his Junior Objectivist Journal about how good it felt to know that he had Responsible Parents, Cayden felt bad for the other kid, and told his mom about what happened and asked her what could be done. His mom, Amber Peters*, also failed to tell Cayden it’s a hard world but you have to be tough on Those People, and so instead they decided to start a little fundraiser, calling it “Pay it Forward — No Kid Goes Hungry.” Yes, we’ll wait while you get a tissue. Read more on Nifty Kid, 8, Raises Money For School Lunch For Everyone (Hey, Michigan: He Shouldn’t Have To!)…
  Hush Hush

Sextorting Billionaires Will Probably Not Make You Rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, Will Get You FBI Visit

So you got your girlfriend to let you take nekkid pictures of her, of course. So far so normal. But if you are Douglas Tarlow, whose nekkid pix were of Nina Khosla, daughter of Vinod Khosla, batrillionaire founder of Sun Microsystems, you apparently stash those pix away for later sextortion attempts. Read more on Sextorting Billionaires Will Probably Not Make You Rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, Will Get You FBI Visit…
  real kabuki has slightly more action

House GOP Passes Ryan Budget, Offers To Help Democrats Write Campaign Ads For Fall

The House of Representatives voted 219-205 to approve the terrible Paul Ryan budget plan that everyone agrees doesn’t have a chance in the Senate and, for that matter, isn’t even likely to result in any actual spending bills in the House. But the sucker has been passed, and that’s an achievement right there; since it got more votes than the White House budget plan — which was rejected 413-2 — then obviously the Republicans won, and America has spoken. You just can’t hear what America said too clearly since the House has the Koch Brothers’ dicks in their mouths. Read more on House GOP Passes Ryan Budget, Offers To Help Democrats Write Campaign Ads For Fall…
  wonksplainer

Oh Look, Paul Ryan Lied About Something

Are you done yet? Did you read all eight gazillion pages of the Ryan Budget, or did you stop after the first few lines and pleasure yourself thinking about his dreamy biceps? Well, we didn’t read it all either because we were distracted by whiskey. And his biceps. But luckily other people read it and managed to find (SPOILER ALERT) some big ol lies in it, especially as they relate to Social Security and the Olds. Haha, that’s not a spoiler alert — of course there were lies in his budget. Let’s get our wonksplanation on and figure out how Paul Ryan is trying to screw the Olds, and the rest of us.  Read more on Oh Look, Paul Ryan Lied About Something…
  can't feel the love tonight

Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough

Professional Eddie Munster imitator Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan had to be feeling pretty pleased with himself yesterday, raining all over B. Barry Bamz’s football-spikin’ party with a new 10-year budget proposal. Ryan’s lil’ April Fool’s Day prank would slash domestic spending by nearly 30 percent by 2024 (BIFF!), bump up Pentagon spending WAY over current budgets (POW!) and … wait for it … repeal Obamacare and make Medicare a voucher program for private health insurance (FLAWLESS VICTORY!). So, the screeching monkey wing of the Republican party had to be pretty chuffed about Ryan’s swan song budget, as he prepares to step up from the Budget Committee to obstruct run the Ways and Means Committee as chairman, right? WRONG, you are WRONG, libtard Wonket reader person, they are the opposite of chuffed!* You see, unless you grab aholt of the wheel and steer the budget Titanic directly INTO the iceberg, you are a RINO and just Part Of The Problem. Ask Sarah Palin, who took to the Tea Party version of the Wall Street Journal editorial page (Facebook) to blast Ryan with words, that she undoubtedly wrote herself because just read them. Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough…
  what if?

What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?

A couple of weeks ago, I ended my column with a lie: “Next time:” I wrote, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog whistle so loudly that everybody, not just dogs, could hear it?” Of course I had no intentions of writing about this “What If?” subject at all; I added it as a throwaway gag. Wonkette readers can be unpredictable, though! It turns out that most of you just read the first part of the sentence, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog,” and then got so excited and overstimulated that you forgot to read the rest, and off you went chattering about Paul Ryan blowing a dog. You guys! First of all… ew. Seriously, you Wonketeers have such totally dirty minds! Gross! But… what if it were true? What if Paul Ryan really did blow a dog? I reckon that would be newsworthy! Let’s talk this one out after the jump. Read more on What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?…
  all the nudes that's fit to sprint

With (Debatable) ‘Naked/Nekkid’ Distinction, Alan Simpson Completes Transformation Into Cartoon Character

This is the sort of thing that gets a blogger through a Tuesday, it really is: When retired Senator Alan Simpson got a call from a Des Moines Register reporter, he asked for a moment to get ready for the interview because he was “stark nekkid.” “Do you know the difference between naked and nekkid?” he asked The Des Moines Register when he returned to the telephone interview Monday. “If you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on, but if you’re nekkid you don’t have any clothes on but you’re up to something.” We are convinced that Alan Simpson is working very hard on actually becoming Abraham J. “Grampa” Simpson. He may as well dye his skin bright yellow, though we won’t insist that he have surgery to remove one finger on each hand, because dedication to cosplay only goes so far. On the Standard Scale of Old Man Stereotypes, Sen. Simpson has just upped his status from “codger” to “coot.” (Mind you, we do not mean to imply this is a bad thing. Like Calvin, Yr Doktor Zoom looks forward to the day when he can “putter around.”) Read more on With (Debatable) ‘Naked/Nekkid’ Distinction, Alan Simpson Completes Transformation Into Cartoon Character…
  clipbait

Watch Jon Stewart Drop A Factical Nuke On Paul Ryan’s Fake School Lunch Story

If you follow Yr Wonket closely, you probably already know that Yr Editrix helped debunk Paul Ryan’s moving, mostly untrue CPAC story about how liberals are terrible people who want to feed hungry children food instead of brown paper, which truly loves them. True parts: there was a kid and a paper bag. The story made the rounds all weekend, and if there’s a better rapid-fire summary of just how much Paul Ryan got wrong than Jon Stewart’s, we don’t know what it is. Enjoy! Read more on Watch Jon Stewart Drop A Factical Nuke On Paul Ryan’s Fake School Lunch Story…
  not russian into anything

Rand Paul Would Solve Ukraine Crisis By Drilling Everywhere For Oil, Because Shut Up Is Why

CPAC Straw Poll winner Rand Paul proved his serious leadership mojo Sunday, telling Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace that if he were president, he knows exactly what he’d do in response to Russia’s invasion of Crimea: “I would do something differently from the president,” Paul said. “I would immediately get every obstacle out of the way for our export of oil and gas, and I would begin drilling in every possible conceivable place within our territories in order to have production we can supply Europe with if it’s interrupted from Ukraine.” Apparently no one told Mr. Paul that drilling oil and gas wells is a wee bit more complex than turning on a tap — we are not geological engineers, but we are fairly certain that it takes a little while, like at least longer than getting your car’s heater to really warm you up on a cold day, we bet. Read more on Rand Paul Would Solve Ukraine Crisis By Drilling Everywhere For Oil, Because Shut Up Is Why…
  yo momma

It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents

Paul Ryan is in the news for lying again, and Wonkette helped break the story, go us! The Washington Post cited yr Editrix’s post about a comment on this TPM story that noted how Paul Ryan’s tale of a young boy who preferred the brown-bagged love of his parents to the hard cheese of socialism was suspiciously similar to one in this book, and good work if you followed all that. WaPo’s Glenn Kessler gave Ryan’s rotten fable four Pinocchios, because Paul Ryan is a small puppet child who talks to crickets, and also because he lies a lot. But honestly, we don’t care too much that Paul Ryan is lying. It’s Paul Ryan, after all. No, we care a lot more that he has a habit of calling our parents losers. His recent quattro pinocchio is a great example. Read more on It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…