Tag Archives: patriots

  insert your own ball joke

Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls

We were doing our goddamned level best not to care about or pay attention to the sportsball controversy some moron decided to call Deflategate, because everything needs a fucking “-gate” suffix, because every-fucking-thing is just like Richard Nixon ratfucking the country. Whenever the conversation at our happy hour/cocktail party/coke-fueled orgy turned to the subject of whether Tom Brady had deflated his footballs to give his football team some sort of advantage or another over the opposing football team, our response was always the same: Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls…
  Here have some news n stuff

Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America

How good do you heart America?
Ever wondered if you are a Smart Conservative or a total America-hating idiot? Probably not, but just in case you’re confused, the folks at the National Center for Public Policy Research — who, apparently, are not in any way kidding — have devised a super simple quiz for you to find out: Read more on Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America…
  Firing Blanks In The Culture War

America-Hating Libs Murder Veterans Day Because They Fear Guns. Or Not.

Why not just let the kids know what WW I was really about?
Thank heavens we’ve got a good Culture War overlay for your Veterans/Armistice/Remembrance Day, America. According to a number of rightwing websites, the gun-hating (and hence Freedom-hating) liberals in charge of the Eau Claire, Wisconsin, School District have completely cancelled Veterans Day programs, denying children of a chance to learn about what makes their country great. Read more on America-Hating Libs Murder Veterans Day Because They Fear Guns. Or Not….
  this time they're super serious you guys

One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper

Oh my God, you guys, get ready to pack up your sex toys and hobo beans and flee to the Mexican refugee camps, because Real America™ has had ENOUGH with this Marxo-Islamunist bull hockey in Washington, and is coming for your SOULLSSSS. Girt in the armor of righteousness, but not carrying the AR-15 of the Lord, an estimated* 10 to 30 million nonviolent supporters of Bible-based Constitutional government plan to descend on the nation’s capital on May 16, and hang around until Barack Hussein Obama, Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the worst RINOs in Congress quit out of embarrassment. Then, as called for in organizer Harry Riley’s understanding of the Constitution, a new President and congressional leadership will Take America Back to, we dunno, 2008? Some time when the president didn’t go around ordering the IRS to hire New Black Panthers to kill our ambassadors at the behest of Vladimir Putin, whenever that was. Read more on One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper…
  first they came for the teabaggers and we said hooray!

Hey What’s The Deal With The IRS Oppressing Those Poor Teabaggers? Obscure Tax Law Wonksplained

So folks on the right and in the blogospheres are all argle bargle ranty ranty because the IRS just published an apology for giving special attention to groups asking for tax-exempt status that had the words “tea party” and “patriot” in their names. Seems like there be a need for some splainin about what they hell tax-exempt groups are, and what all the argle bargle is about. Tax laws exempt some organizations from paying taxes, like charities, religious organizations, educational groups (colleges), and others. Most of these are listed under the tax code 501c3 and 501c4. 501c3 organizations are your run-of-the-mill charities, like Habitat for Humanity. If you give them money, you can take a tax deduction (yay! Happy times!). They can spend VERY limited funds on political activities (like lobbying and buying hookers for politicians). 501c4 organizations are called “social welfare organizations.” They are tax exempt, and can spend some money on lobbying and trying to influence the political debate. But their primary purpose CANNOT be political campaigning. If you donate to this type of organization, you do not collect a tax deduction, do not pass go, whatever. Neither c4 groups nor c3 groups have to disclose their funders/donors. Now, noted fucktard and shitspewer Karl Rove (R-8th Level of Hell) set up Crossroads GPS as a 501c4 organization. However, when he set it up in 2010, he actually said that political spending would not constitute the organization’s primary purpose. In reality, he spent an asston of monies trying to influence the election. But if the truth doesn’t matter about sending kids off to war, why should it matter on when filling out silly legally binding forms? Read more on Hey What’s The Deal With The IRS Oppressing Those Poor Teabaggers? Obscure Tax Law Wonksplained…
  won't Someone Think Around The Children?

Hero Patriot Dad Will Shed Blood Again If School Nazis Wreck Pledge Of Allegiance

So, we mentioned a little earlier today that an Illinois elementary school had a sheriff’s deputy assigned to guard it after a parent “complained children weren’t reciting the Pledge of Allegiance correctly,” right? So, please join us in doing a bad Paul Harvey imitation as Wonkette presents The Rest Of The Story. Yes, you DO have to say that out loud, Americans! It turns out that Colin McGroarty, a parent who was volunteering at Mill Creek Elementary School in Geneva, Illinois, was very, VERY unhappy when he heard kindergartners reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in the library, because of what he perceived to be a Marxist Nazi Islamofascist rewrite of the Pledge. No, it’s not that they left “under God” out. It’s that he heard some words that he was damned sure didn’t belong in there, and then went apeshit. Or as an email to parents from Principal George Petmezas very diplomatically put it, McGroarty resorted to language “that is not typically heard in an elementary school setting.” Read more on Hero Patriot Dad Will Shed Blood Again If School Nazis Wreck Pledge Of Allegiance…
  pedobagger strikes again!

Teabaggers Trying to Seduce Your Children With Coloring Books

The Teabaggers are in a bit of a conundrum. There are only X many white people that can be wooed with promises of Made in China flag-waving picnics, and every day America is becoming less “white” and more “immigrant.” So what’s Plan B? Sell fun Teabagger coloring books to all the white children! Even Hitler understood the importance of winning the Hearts and Minds of the youth when he famously said, “I begin with the young. We older ones are used up but my magnificent youngsters! Look at all these men and boys!” Hitler then added in his best baby-talk voice, “So, which one of you little fuckers wants a coloring book?” Some people say history often repeats itself. And others say coloring books help children learn about reckless Muslin Stimulus Spendin’. Read more on Teabaggers Trying to Seduce Your Children With Coloring Books…
  Putting America back to work

Get Paid $50,000 For Teabagging

Have you been looking for a new “biz opp”? One that would enable you to get paid to “defend our freedom” and, oh, maybe “stop Liberal Tyranny!!”? Well look no further, because now your dream has come true: An enterprise called The TeaPartyBizOpp is offering “the first ever patriotic home based business opportunity” to help you think and grow rich while you restore America’s honor. All you have to do is convince some Teabaggers to read things. Read more on Get Paid $50,000 For Teabagging…
  Hear the bald eagle cry

‘True Patriot’ Jailed For Loving America Too Much

Michael Fenter wasn’t down with President Barack Obamar’s socialistic jillion-dollar bailouts of the nation’s banks AT ALL. So one day the Seattle area boat builder, farmer-man and hardcore Real American grabbed his gun, got into his Libertymobile and started robbing banks in Washington state and California — to take the bailout money back. For a while there, he was really on a roll! But then America decided to punish him for expressing his love of country in this most eclectic manner. Read more on ‘True Patriot’ Jailed For Loving America Too Much…
  stubborn predator drones

Mike Mullen Leaks Classified Attitude Problem

“We’re going to continue to mindlessly funnel money to Pakistan so they can train people to kill us, irregardless of whatever that HippieLeaks fruit posted on the Internets.” [The Hill: Twitter Room] Read more on Mike Mullen Leaks Classified Attitude Problem…
  get rich quick!

Homeless Man Unwittingly Learns Secret to Earning ‘Teabagger Bucks’

Gustav Bozarth is a homeless man who lives in El Paso, a city in the Holy Sovereign Nation of Texas. Every day, he probably has to deal with people telling him to “git a jawwwwwwb” or calling him a “buhhhmmm,” or maybe just ignoring him. But now that surveillance video of Bozarth folding up a fallen flag has been broadcast on Fox News, Real American Patriots are waddling to the nearest socialist post office to send him money. Too bad Bozarth doesn’t have a home address where he can actually receive the money! Read more on Homeless Man Unwittingly Learns Secret to Earning ‘Teabagger Bucks’…
  trademark disputes

Crystal Princess Changes Bookshop Name to Avoid Patriotic Encounters

JoAnne Kohler, the proprietor of Salem, Oregon’s Tea Party Bookshop, is changing her business’s name to Tigress Books next month, because she has no time for Real Americans or their “political connotations.” Lately, Real Americans have been coming into her ”wildly independent” literature depot asking for Sarah Palin novels and getting all mad because her store specializes in such things as pagan cookery books and spiritual growth propaganda, plus drumming circles. Um, why did this witchy lady choose such a patriotic name for her store in the first place? Read more on Crystal Princess Changes Bookshop Name to Avoid Patriotic Encounters…
  Leave Michelle Bachmann alone

Michelle Bachmann Is a Star, So Let Her Shine

Barack Obama’s been getting hugs and kisses galore for the comedy routine he performed for Scarlett Johansson and other hardscrabble White House “correspondents,” but where is the adoration for Real American stage actress Michelle Bachmann? The other day she gave a masterful performance of her new Off-Broadway show, I’m Not a Betting, Casino-Type Woman, as dinner theater for some freedom-fighting Marylanders. But so far nobody’s been HuffPo’ing or Tweeting about her talents, because of sexism. Obama’s Net Neutrality monsters and Bill Ayers are totally splitting a bottle of tequila over this. Read more on Michelle Bachmann Is a Star, So Let Her Shine…
 

Dumbos Baffled By Site Move

The Internet is a computer-based system that constantly baffles dumb people who use the Internet. This tragic fact was proven again today when our favorite website, “Country Above Self,” excitedly announced that Wonkette had shamefully removed all the Wonkette posts calling “Country Above Self” a virtual home for the retarded. Read more on Dumbos Baffled By Site Move…
 

Wonkette Destroys Patriot/Traitor Ranking Website

[Why would we take this down? It was funny too!] You all should be ashamed of yourselves. We showed you the nice website called Country Above Self that appropriately lists “Phony Soldiers” as death traitors to America, and you go and inflate the score of Danny Glover, the b-list actor. Obviously everyone was supposed to nominate Truck Nutz. [Country Above Self] Read more on Wonkette Destroys Patriot/Traitor Ranking Website…
 

Wingnuts Rank America’s Best Patriots, Worst Traitors!

[Hey comical idiots, we’d never take this post down!] Yes, we get many nutty e-mails, and sometimes when we open them they link to the best websites in the world. One recent example is Country Above Self, which runs this tag line: “Celebrating Patriots and Exposing Traitors.” You can nominate and rank America’s greatest patriots (still living) and its worst liberal socialist traitors (their souls are always dead). It’s everything the Internet has always wanted. Read more on Wingnuts Rank America’s Best Patriots, Worst Traitors!…
 

Barack Obama Buys Some Super Bowl Fever

Every year about this time, America gathers together to watch commercials and drink beer as part of the “Super Tuesday Bowl,” which is an annual sporting contest between the Right Wing Militia Patriots and the New York Mets. Nobody knows the ultimate outcome, but people will be talking about the advertisements for several hours tomorrow! For example, did you see the one with the hot girl in underwear making a reference to the very sporting event you were watching? (See photo.) Also, Barack Obama bought some local ad time in a few places. How did this change politics forever? Read more on Barack Obama Buys Some Super Bowl Fever…
 

Global Warming Fairies Assess Toll On Football Scores

Which do you care about more: football, or global warming? Since both of these are liberal conspiracies, the common answer is usually “freedom.” Nevertheless, the Environment America organization issued a press release today trying to relate to the “average American,” who cannot understand the concept of “the temperatures are always going up and we will soon melt” and need to be patronized with football references. We’ve scanned this fucker up-and-down for red flags, but now we have stopped and assume it’s real. It is called: “Could Global Warming Threaten the Patriots’ and Giants’ Edge?: Rising Temperatures Could Lessen Home Field Advantage Over Warm Weather Rivals.” Read more on Global Warming Fairies Assess Toll On Football Scores…