patriots
Hero Patriot Dad Will Shed Blood Again If School Nazis Wreck Pledge Of Allegiance
So, we mentioned a little earlier today that an Illinois elementary school had a sheriff’s deputy assigned to guard it after a parent “complained children weren’t reciting the Pledge of Allegiance correctly,” right? So, please join us in doing a bad Paul Harvey imitation as Wonkette presents The Rest Of The Story. Yes, you DO [...]
Teabaggers Trying to Seduce Your Children With Coloring Books
The Teabaggers are in a bit of a conundrum. There are only X many white people that can be wooed with promises of Made in China flag-waving picnics, and every day America is becoming less “white” and more “immigrant.” So what’s Plan B? Sell fun Teabagger coloring books to all the white children! Even Hitler [...]
Get Paid $50,000 For Teabagging
Have you been looking for a new “biz opp”? One that would enable you to get paid to “defend our freedom” and, oh, maybe “stop Liberal Tyranny!!”? Well look no further, because now your dream has come true: An enterprise called The TeaPartyBizOpp is offering “the first ever patriotic home based business opportunity” to help [...]
‘True Patriot’ Jailed For Loving America Too Much
Michael Fenter wasn’t down with President Barack Obamar’s socialistic jillion-dollar bailouts of the nation’s banks AT ALL. So one day the Seattle area boat builder, farmer-man and hardcore Real American grabbed his gun, got into his Libertymobile and started robbing banks in Washington state and California — to take the bailout money back. For a [...]
Mike Mullen Leaks Classified Attitude Problem
“We’re going to continue to mindlessly funnel money to Pakistan so they can train people to kill us, irregardless of whatever that HippieLeaks fruit posted on the Internets.” [The Hill: Twitter Room]
Homeless Man Unwittingly Learns Secret to Earning ‘Teabagger Bucks’
Gustav Bozarth is a homeless man who lives in El Paso, a city in the Holy Sovereign Nation of Texas. Every day, he probably has to deal with people telling him to “git a jawwwwwwb” or calling him a “buhhhmmm,” or maybe just ignoring him. But now that surveillance video of Bozarth folding up a [...]
Crystal Princess Changes Bookshop Name to Avoid Patriotic Encounters
JoAnne Kohler, the proprietor of Salem, Oregon’s Tea Party Bookshop, is changing her business’s name to Tigress Books next month, because she has no time for Real Americans or their “political connotations.” Lately, Real Americans have been coming into her ”wildly independent” literature depot asking for Sarah Palin novels and getting all mad because her [...]
Michelle Bachmann Is a Star, So Let Her Shine
Barack Obama’s been getting hugs and kisses galore for the comedy routine he performed for Scarlett Johansson and other hardscrabble White House “correspondents,” but where is the adoration for Real American stage actress Michelle Bachmann? The other day she gave a masterful performance of her new Off-Broadway show, I’m Not a Betting, Casino-Type Woman, as [...]
Dumbos Baffled By Site Move
The Internet is a computer-based system that constantly baffles dumb people who use the Internet. This tragic fact was proven again today when our favorite website, “Country Above Self,” excitedly announced that Wonkette had shamefully removed all the Wonkette posts calling “Country Above Self” a virtual home for the retarded.
Wonkette Destroys Patriot/Traitor Ranking Website
[Why would we take this down? It was funny too!] You all should be ashamed of yourselves. We showed you the nice website called Country Above Self that appropriately lists “Phony Soldiers” as death traitors to America, and you go and inflate the score of Danny Glover, the b-list actor. Obviously everyone was supposed to [...]
Wingnuts Rank America’s Best Patriots, Worst Traitors!
[Hey comical idiots, we'd never take this post down!] Yes, we get many nutty e-mails, and sometimes when we open them they link to the best websites in the world. One recent example is Country Above Self, which runs this tag line: “Celebrating Patriots and Exposing Traitors.” You can nominate and rank America’s greatest patriots [...]
Global Warming Fairies Assess Toll On Football Scores
blog advertising is good for you
